More Orgasms with Partners: Vulva Edition

So you want to have more orgasms during partner sex? Awesome! 

This is a common goal for female-bodied people and I am 100% here for that. Women have much lower rates of orgasm during partner sex with men than their male-bodied partners do (and fewer orgasms than men think we're having). Lesbians don't have this problem, nor do women of all persuasions during self-pleasure/masturbation. So let's change this situation, starting with you!

We'll cover what's in our way, how to overcome those challenges, and my top 4 tips for having more orgasms during partner sex -- including some important lessons from lesbian sex. 

We'll close as always with an exercise to help you clarify your own path forward.

Get the free guide Find Your Secret Turn Ons to discover the roadmap to your best sex life at https://laurajurgens.com. You can also learn more about me and how to inquire about coaching availability.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

PS: If you are offended by some swearing, this podcast is not for you.

Transcript

Hey everyone. Welcome to episode 12. We are talking today about orgasming more during partner sex for people with vulvas. So cis women and NB or trans folks with vulvas, this is for you and your partners. It is super common to want to have more orgasms with partners and we'll talk about why you might want that, how to get there, and what could get in the way.

You'll also get an exercise to help you find your own unique path to success.

Hey everyone, I hope you are having. An awesome day. It is rainy here and kind of cozy, which feels good. I just got back from a festival where I taught the Becoming Shameless episode you got last week as a workshop to over 60 people, and it was just so magical. I'm wonderful. I have so much wonderful feedback from it that it just really filled me up.

So I'm feeling great. Today is the first in a multi part series I'm calling, So You Want to Orgasm Differently. We are going to dive in today to a common goal my female bodied clients have, which is having more orgasms with partners. And you know, the orgasm gap is real y'all, and it's one of my missions to help close it.

That orgasm gap is the fact that women overall have fewer orgasms than men. And the solution is really reclaiming our sexuality on our own terms. That's what my clients do. They do it with support and guidance, but I hope that's what you're also doing. And I'm just I just want to take a moment to say how proud I am of all my clients because they're doing so amazing at this.

They are just changing their own worlds and lives by reclaiming their own erotic selves and their own sexuality, self liberating, and it just really affects the lives of everyone around them too. You know, their children, whether daughters or sons, their partners, their friends and family, the random people they see in the world.

by just being in their own power and through their own example of reclamation. So I just want to shout out to my clients that I love you so much. Okay so today I'm going to talk a bit about the stuff in our way of orgasms with partners and then why it's really important to uncover our own reasons for wanting more orgasms with partners.

We'll talk a little bit about orgasm gap statistics that are helpful for interpreting what might be going on and some of my top suggestions for how to increase your frequency of coming with a partner. We'll close as per usual with an exercise and this one is going to help you clarify your own path forward.

Alrighty. So, we know from research overall, women have fewer orgasms than men, statistically speaking. And you know, women are incredibly orgasmic. It's not that. More than 92 percent of us report orgasm with masturbation. And the majority of those that don't will get there at some point in their lives. So women are having orgasms when we're with ourselves, when we're self pleasuring.

But there's some serious shit stacked against us with our own, I mean, we just receive so much sexual repression, miseducation, toxic masculinity and assault, being generally stripped of autonomy and taught to people please, having our bodies criticized constantly and compared with each other our whole lives.

I mean all that shit is just really in our way. Then to add on that most of us aren't using all the tools available to us and are often holding shame for how we do orgasm, plus people pleasing our partners rather than saying what we need in order to get off, and many of us are often not holding any standards for sex.

There is no shame in that. I, I did not used to hold standards really at all. I was somewhat infantilizing my male partners and assuming their fragile egos couldn't handle hearing my actual needs. And I think I see that all the time. It's actually really common. And you know, those needs usually involve way more foreplay, more full arousal before any sort of insertion, lots of clitoral stimulation.

And we're not, holding those standards necessarily for sex, many of us anyway. Cheers to you if you are one of the people who do. My hat is off to you. Good job. But one thing I want to invite for all of us to do right now is just give ourselves permission to ask for what we need in bed. Whatever your gender, give yourself permission to ask for what you need in bed.

Let yourself believe Your partner can rise to the occasion. If they really truly cannot, I promise that it's better to know that than to live with just stuffing down your needs. So this brings me to a particular question I have for you, which is where you need to start. You need to start with this question if your goal is to have more orgasms with your partner.

And that question is where is that desire coming from? It is really important to know this. The desire to have more orgasms with partners is 100 percent valid. I absolutely want that for you. But you need to be onto yourself about whether it's coming from you or what you think or know your partner wants.

And those could be totally different things. If you imagine it is from your partner, but they haven't said anything. So, you think that it's your partner that wants you to have more orgasms, but they haven't actually said, I want you to have more orgasms. What this means is that you are trying to protect or validate their feelings by coming more often or avoid disappointing them.

And it's really important to be on to that. It could be subconscious. It's okay. You can be a smart, capable, successful person and still have that unconscious patterning in there. But if it is there, it will really affect your experience and your success rate. If you need help cleaning that up, come see me.

It's possible you can just hear this and get onto it and like release it but that's not super easy and not common really in my experience. So if you need help releasing it, just give me a holler. If your partner has actually complained to you or told you that you need to be more orgasmic in some way, then the pressure is external and that is going to shut down 99 percent of people.

Pressuring orgasm does not work. Orgasms are like beautiful wild birds. They do not respond well to being chased. Your partner needs to know this and deal with their own emotional issues so they aren't pressuring you. And if you are the one pressuring someone, the same thing here. You need to look at why their orgasm is so critical for your own self validation and you need to get some help you learning to validate yourself and releasing that pressure or you're really going to shut your partner down and make it very hard for them to actually do this thing that you would love and that they would probably really enjoy.

So also invitation come to me for help if you want. I have a couple open slots right now as people are just graduating so get a consult. On the other hand, if neither of those situations are you and the desire is very clearly from you. You want to have new experiences. You want to have more pleasure.

Awesome. That is a reason that will help you be successful. And if it's kind of mixed, you know, build that part up, the part that's for you, and see if you can release some of the other external pressures. All right. Once you're clear on your why, we can move on to the how. So some statistics are actually really helpful here.

And I want to really use them to normalize the situation. It is so normal for women not to come in partner sex, particularly with a man. So, and I'm talking about heteronormative stuff here, so mostly cisgendered women, cisgendered men. That's who these studies are on. Men, and the studies are varied, right?

But I'm going to give you the ballpark. So depending on the study, men report orgasms with sex between 80 and 95 percent of the time. Lesbians having way more orgasms. So close to the statistically, basically similar to men's reports around 75 to 87 percent of the time. Unsurprisingly, heterosexual men way overestimate the orgasms their partners, their female partners are having.

But the truth is, so their estimates are off, the truth is women having sex with men report orgasms with partners less than 62 percent of the time. So, more than a third of the time, not coming. And the vast majority of those orgasms that do occur, The 62 percent are using clitoral stimulation to get there, not just insertion alone.

So that's 70 to 80 percent of those orgasms. Only around 18 percent of women report orgasms with insertion based intercourse alone. So the first thing you need to know if you want to orgasm more with a partner is that you will probably need to have clitoral stimulation. 70 to 80 percent of women are going to need that.

So that is very normal. The easiest way to do that is to get a vibrator involved. And you can use a vibrator easily, even with a partner inside you with a penis or a strap on, and the dual stimulation is really great for a lot of people. If you have not tried that, it might be because you think it's somehow quote unquote unnatural, Or you're worried about your partner's ego.

Or maybe your partner's even expressed that they feel threatened somehow by a vibrator. But look, you use a fork when you eat. It's a handy tool, right? When you are faced with a salad, do you worry about your fork being unnatural? No. And if you are more worried about your partner's ego than your own pleasure, Then also you should please come see me because that is A, unnecessary, and B, it's not doing any favors for your relationship, right?

Over protecting your partner out of either an idea that they can't handle you using a tool that actually works to help your own pleasure, or the belief that that's the case is not doing any favors for your relationship, I promise you. And using a vibe during partner sex is so normal and so common. So, lots and lots of women are doing it.

I would say, you know, potentially the majority. I don't actually have any statistics on that. But at least the majority in my circles are definitely doing it. I certainly do it. I really recommend it. I strongly recommend a good cordless wand vibrator. Those are the kind with like-- they look like microphones and they have like a big sort of bulbous head.

Some sort of adjustable power, but you don't need anything super fancy. It's normal to be shy about introducing it if that's new for you. So have a conversation about it when you are not having sex, express your interest to your partner and a supportive partner, which is, you know, by the way, the only kind I recommend fucking a supportive partner is going to be more than happy to support you having more orgasms.

But you know, introduce it when you are not in the middle of sex so that both of you feel comfortable and kind of know this is what's going to happen if it's new, right? All right, so that's my number one tip. Get the, a wand vibrator, have a chat and play with it. And the reason I recommend the wand vibrator is because it generally gives the best clitoral stimulation to the most amount of people.

Those little like bullet vibes can be really hard to navigate when you've got another partner going. And there's all kinds of stuff going on and they don't tend to have as good a vibration for the majority of people. So I would also just say that the handle makes things a little bit easier. So I would try a wand vibrator first and then if you need to branch out and try some other toys.

You know, sex toys are one of those things that are very personal, so you might need to try some different ones. Other types of clitoral stimulation to try are with your own fingers during partner sex. With your partner's fingers, if you have trained them well and they are really good at helping you orgasm with their fingers, Or with oral sex, just make sure at some point during your sexy times, you get lots of clitoral stimulation directly in a way that feels good for you for as long as you need it.

There is no shame in taking a while. Take your time. It's not a race. You are not in a movie where they need to finish filming this scene in 2.4 seconds. Extend your pleasure. Have a nice time. It is good for everybody. Anybody who's going to get overly impatient about that isn't really worth their salt as a lover, right?

So go ahead, take your time. All right. Number two. If you are someone who reliably orgasms. from external clitoral stimulation. You are in the majority of people and you can increase your capacity for other types of orgasms like g-spot or cervical orgasms or blended ones where the g-spot or cervical orgasm is also there with a clitoral orgasm, or
external clitoral stimulation at the same time. But I don't recommend trying to learn to orgasm from insertion alone as a goal. If it happens, awesome. And the more you get the cervix and the G-spot online, the more pleasure you'll have anyway. And I am going to cover how to go about all of that in an upcoming episode.

But for today, I want to caution you not to put those kinds of internal orgasms on a pedestal. That started with Freud --fuck him-- and he had this idea that somehow insertion based orgasms for women were more quote unquote "mature." I mean, what kind of patriarchal bullshit is that? Totally bullshit.

Everything we know now is that orgasms are very much all clitoral in some way, shape, or form. You're just either accessing the clitoris directly from the tip that's on the outside of the body or you're accessing it from the internal sort of through the vaginal wall. That's the thought today anyway. But those orgasms are wonderful, they're great, but they're just not, they're no better than clitoral orgasms.

It doesn't make you a better person and they're generally harder for most women to bring online. They take a lot of patience and you can get really frustrated easily if you're hanging your hat on that being sort of the end all be all. So I want you to take a moment and just let the way your body comes most easily be wonderful.

Whatever works for you is great and we just want to get you to have more of it. So focus first on making sure you're reliably orgasming with partner sex in any way that works for you and then start mixing in some other options that could take a while to learn. Okay. If you are, on the other hand, someone who needs a lot of G spot or cervical stimulation to orgasm and you are not getting the right stimulation with your partner, that's another really common issue and another common reason women might not be cumming as much as men during sex.

So you need that G spot or cervical stimulation, but you're just not getting the right stimulation stimulation with your particular partner. This is really common, most common with heterosexual women, again, because women having sex with women are usually using whatever toys work for their body. Which is smart, and what I recommend to all heterosexually partnered women too.

So you may not be getting the stimulation you need because your partner doesn't, there's a few different reasons. Your partner might not stay hard long enough, and there's more on that for both of you in an upcoming episode soon, both around erection challenges and early ejaculation, or because his penis just isn't shaped the way you need it to reach your particular bits.

in the particular way you need them to be stimulated. And that's okay. There's no shame for your partner, for having erections that come and go, that's so normal, for having early ejaculation, also totally common, or for having a penis that just doesn't happen to be shaped in the way that it reaches your particular bits just the way you need them.

All of that is totally okay. But you also need to ask for what you need. and explain that there is, you know, nothing wrong with his penis. We definitely don't want to shame anyone. And at the same time, this is just the way your body is and what you need to orgasm. So you'd like to use a toy that fits you right.

And you can show him how to wield it to help finish you off. Okay, so let's just go back to the stats for a second because I love that lesbians are having lots of orgasms. That makes me very happy. What can we learn there about how to apply it to women having sex with men? So, what's different for lesbians?

One big thing is that it's inherently, the sex is inherently focused on women's pleasure. There's less of a script, right? Based on expectations and culture, because culture has largely ignored sapphic sex as if it's some sort of like, what do they do? What could they possibly do? I mean, it's offensive, but it's also kind of hilarious because I can tell you there's plenty of things we can do.

Three things about lesbian sex. that are also really important in my mind to why women having sex with women are coming more. So not only is it just focused on women's pleasure, but it's often a lot less rushed and no one is sort of stopping the second one partner comes, which is often what happens when a man comes in heterosex.

The sex just is over. That's it. We're done. Okay. That's not necessary. We don't have to stop. And we don't have to roll over and go to sleep. We can continue to pay attention to the female partner. So in lesbian sex, no one is stopping the second one partner comes, typically, unless everybody feels like it, often after multiple orgasms.

The second thing is, It's often based on turn taking. So the giver gets to really focus on giving, and the receiver gets to really focus on their experience of receiving. So none of this like Hollywood shit of everyone thinking they're supposed to, you know, come together all at once magically, which is not usually the way anything happens.

Separating giving and receiving is really great for women. In my experience, it helps us be fully in the moment, in our own bodies, and less in our heads when there's not so much stuff going on. It's also really good for neurodivergent people to have one role, right? So if that's you, remember this. But I strongly recommend for everybody taking turns in hetero couples too.

Oral sex is a great example. If you're trying to 69, what a shit show. It is just hard to feel sensations when you're trying to pleasure someone else. And it can be fun for a couple minutes just to throw in as part of like a play session if you want. But to really feel into oral sex, I strongly recommend only having one person receive at once.

So the third thing that lesbians are doing really well is they are using toys well. They are using the right tools for each other's bodies. So, whatever toy works best that fits with your particular body, rather than trying to rely on what equipment their partner comes with out of the box. So if you need a hook on that dildo using a hook cheese pot toy, if you need a longer or a girthier cock using a toy that is longer or wider, definitely using vibes and other toys regularly.

The synopsis of my tips for people with vulvas and clitorises to have more orgasms with your partner. One, there's four. One, get lots of clitoral stimulation going, and I recommend a wand vibrator and or using insertion toys that fit your body's particular needs. Number two, slow down and ensure loads of foreplay and full arousal.

Number three, keep going until everyone feels fully pleasured, orgasm or not, right, until everyone actually wants to be done. and not leaving somebody sort of hanging, right, disappointed. Number four, take turns really focusing on one person at a time. All right, so your exercise today is, this is a journal one, so you're going to want to grab a journal and if you're listening to this in the car, just, you know, come back to it.

One, I want you to write down what are all the reasons that I want to orgasm more with a partner. And I want you to really challenge yourself to list all of them here, without judgment, just let them all out. And just notice if any of them are external, where you feel like you need to orgasm more for another person's happiness.

Can you release that easily or do you need help because it feels sticky? So just get really honest with yourself about that. Number two, I want you to write down what comes up for you when you think about using a vibrator or dildo with your partner, asking for more foreplay or sticking with sex longer until you orgasm.

Ask yourself what comes up when you think about implementing my top four. Okay. Write down all the thoughts and feelings because it's so important for you to know these things. They are there whether you acknowledge them or not. So just get them out of your head and onto a piece of paper so that you can see what you're working with.

Okay. All right. If you need help, I strongly suggest taking action to get it because this stuff doesn't just go away on its own. But you can absolutely work through it with help. I have had some, I have had so much, so many successful clients and some of them have just graduated so you have an opportunity to come on in and get a consult.

They are free. If you're ready to be done with stress or anxiety around orgasming with a partner or any of this internalized pressure that you get, fears, right? Come see me. All right. I wish you a wonderful week ahead and I will see you here next time. 

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