8 Core Principles of Consent & Why They Will Make You Super Sexy

Learn the 8 core principles of consent, why consent competence makes us all sexier and more respectful lovers and human beings, how to share and model consent principles with kids, and some advanced issues around consent for those interested in kink and/or BDSM. 

Here is the basic outline of the 8 core principles of consent:

1. Ask first, rather than just trying or assuming. 
2. Accept that anything that’s not a clear Yes is a No, and that’s ok. 
3. Slow down to find your yes or no, and let the other person have time for theirs. 
4. All honest responses are kind, including No. 
5. Get curious each time: don’t assume a Yes this time is a Yes always. 
6. Be open to offer or receive creative alternatives.
7. Kind people still make mistakes, but they also listen and learn from them.  
8. Checking in afterwards is important. 

Get the free guide Find Your Secret Turn Ons to discover the roadmap to your best sex life at https://laurajurgens.com. You can also learn more about me and how to inquire about coaching availability.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

PS: If you are offended by some swearing, this podcast is not for you.

Transcript

Welcome to episode 14. Today is all about how to be sexier and more respectful as a lover and a human being for yourself and others by getting really competent with consent. We're going to talk about why it's sexy and how to keep it sexy, how to share consent principles with kids. and some advanced issues around consent.

Hey, hey, sexy people. So here we are for episode 14. And this is a really important one in my mind, in my soul, in my heart for you. And I think it will give you some really good ideas to think about. And to talk about, to share with partners, friends, and even your kids. I hope you have these conversations with them.

Because lack of consent is still a huge, giant problem causing tons of harm in this world in little ways, in big ways. And you know, the kids have problems with it too. Even though they now hear the word earlier, it doesn't mean they know how to do it or that they feel entitled to it. So this episode is for everyone, whether you're just on a date or having sexy playtime in a couple, a threesome, 100 person orgy-- everyone can learn and adhere to basic consent principles to stay within their own boundaries and respect other people's.

And we actually do need to really lay them out explicitly. Because sometimes we have blind spots around this and we make assumptions and that's what consent is about, is about really not making assumptions about what's okay for other people or even what we're into in the moment. And consent competence is one of the sexiest traits out there.

I mean, whew, I get turned on just thinking about people who are good at this. Thanks. So, today we are going to talk about consent basics first. Why and how to get great at this critical skill for dating and sexuality. And this applies whether you're on a first date or you've been married for 50 years.

You may have negotiated some things that you're always up for in long term relationships. But let's not just assume. Let's actually have that conversation. And that conversation can open up some new possibilities for you too. Consent conversations are inherently also conversations about what would you like to try?

And all these things, these conversations that make everyone feel more autonomous and safer and clearer with their partners will also often expand. their interests. Because it lowers our risk of feeling unsafe, that means we have more room to adventure. So sometimes people have this idea that asking before touching or kissing someone takes the spontaneity out or is somehow less sexy.

And I do think this comes from the media, and from a sort of general entitlement mostly in the male part of the species, in how people are socialized. But nothing could be further from the truth. Asking shows respect, and it is so sexy. And for women, it can be a total game changer. In a world where often we aren't asked, or respected, or even treated as human beings who get to decide what to do with our bodies, being asked, and being in the presence of someone who is clearly competent and confident enough to Take a moment and ask and respect our no as well as our yes really helps a lot of us relax into our sexiness.

And sometimes we don't even know how much we need it until we receive it. And then it's like the whole self, just the nervous system, relaxes. And we all of a sudden have access to a huge body of arousal that we didn't have before. And for me, it's such a turn on when I am near someone with a high level of consent competence. And it's a total turn off when I am not. 

And yes, so sometimes if you are a person who just really enjoys and wants to be grabbed and kissed or pushed against a wall, you'll want to let someone know that you're into that and when you're into it by having the conversation in advance. But that is still having the conversation.

And it is not ever okay to just go for it until you know that's what someone's into. So, this is for all genders, and I want people who tend to lead in sexual situations, what are often referred to as quote unquote tops, to focus on practicing especially the asking and respecting the answer parts. And I want to invite people who tend to be followers, whatever your gender, often referred to as quote unquote bottoms, to focus on really holding some standards with this stuff. If you are switchy --between top and bottom like me, where sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow-- or you want to be, then it is not too much to focus on both. This is really, these are really simple principles.

Everybody can understand them all. But a big note to the bottoms here. If you tend to be a follower, you are not generally an initiator, you are not generally the escalator, you need to be consent competent too. You get to have, in fact you need to have, standards and expectations for your partner's behavior.

Please. For the love of God, let's all start having some more consent standards for ourselves and for others. So I'm going to explain the eight principles that I always teach and that apply for all sexual snuggly or touch based situations, including just going on dates, right, where there might be some touch.

You know, a lot of these actually apply for things that aren't even touch, but we're going to talk about them today in the touch context. We'll talk about other types of consent. In relationships, on other episodes, especially consent for things like venting at people, and just sort of consent for having difficult conversations, those things, those are relational consent.

But we're mostly talking today here about touch based consent. So I'll explain the eight principles, then we'll talk about some ideas for keeping consent conversation sexy, and some things about advanced situations like BDSM, and consensual non consent, those kinds of things. But the big thing I want you to take away here are these eight basic consent principles.

Have these tattooed on your children. Well, actually, maybe not tattooed, right? But make sure you talk to kids about these things. It is not, it literally would not be too much to have them printed large and written on the wall of your living room. But even more than just talking to kids about them. It's important to live them with your children.

Kids learn from our modeling behavior more than anything we say. So actually asking them if they want a hug or a kiss, letting them choose to hug their granddad or not, encouraging them to actually practice knowing what they want in the moment and saying a kind, no thank you. If they're not up for it, living the consent practices are much more important even than explaining them. 

Okay, so here are the eight basic principles. I'm also going to put them in the show notes. And as we go through these, I just want you to reflect and imagine if this is how the world worked and expected us all to behave. If these were the standards held in workplaces, in nightclubs, in universities, for God's sake.

I've set these out as requirements at events, and I've had women just weeping tears of joy because they finally felt safe in a space and they knew other people were going to be held to the standard. That's how important these are, despite how simple they are. So here they are. Number one, Ask first, right?

Would you like dot, dot, dot. Those are some of the sexiest words ever. Are you ready for, are you ready for me to kiss you? Would you like to try this new position? Are you ready for fingers? Asking first before touching shows respect and it shows you are consent competent. Always ask, even if it might seem simple touch to you, like a hug, if you haven't done it before, negotiated some blanket or ongoing consent with that person. You know, asking, are you a hugger or would you like a hug? And saying, would you like, or are you ready for, rather than can I? Because you probably technically can, but that doesn't mean the other person actually wants you to. And the question can be kind of confusing.

So asking, would you like, prompts the person to actually reflect, would I like? So, number one is ask, really simple. Number two, anything that is not a clear yes is a no. Sometimes it is hard to say no, especially if you are not used to exercising your choice muscles or you are socialized as a woman and taught that you are not supposed to say no.

If it is not a clear yes, then you need to take it as a not right now. And it may sound something like. Okay, or er, sure? And that, those are not yeses. Those are not yeses. You can repeat the question, or you can just say, you know, it doesn't sound like you're really clear on a yes right now, so maybe we should wait.

All right, that's number two. Anything that's not a clear yes is a no. Number three, slow down to find your yes or no. And let the other person have time for theirs. Look, everyone has autonomy and body sovereignty, but we all don't know that we can access it in the moment. It sometimes is really hard. We might need to check in with ourselves to find our really honest answer in our bodies, our yes, our no, or not right now with every invitation.

So just agree to give yourself and your partners whatever time you or they need to answer. So number three, slow down. to find your yes or no. Number four is all honest responses are kind, including no. And it's really important to agree to allow others to have an honest no without shaming or attempting to coerce them.

A no is not a rejection of us as people. It's just a reflection of what someone prefers in the moment. There's a lot of things I really like, but I might not like them in the moment. If you are the person saying no, honor yourself for that. You are not being mean. You are taking care of both yourself and the other person by not crossing your own boundaries, which just leads to resentment.

And that's not fair for them. That's not fair to resent somebody because you failed to hold your own boundary. So you can just say, not right now, thanks. If you have a hard time getting the word no out of your mouth, you can use some of those alternatives. So that number four is all honest responses are kind, including no.

Number five, get curious rather than assuming in any new situation. So even if you've received a yes before, that doesn't mean our partner is a yes in this moment. So unless you have negotiated that blanket consent for a particular activity, like I'm always up for a hug or an ass grab, right? You can do that anytime you want, babe.

Unless you've negotiated that in advance for whatever time period you're together, explicitly ask each time. Number six, be open to offer or receive creative alternatives. So notice what you are a yes to and offer that as an alternative if you want to. So an example would be, I don't actually want to make out right now, but I'd love to dance.

As the inviter, you want to be open to collaboration with your partner and consider whether you are up for the alternative activity that they proposed. Number seven is how we respond to mistakes matters. So look, caring humans still make mistakes. But they also make sincere efforts to listen and to learn when mistakes happen.

So if you cross someone's boundary, intentionally or not, be open to hear their experience and feedback with empathy rather than defensiveness. It's not always easy, but it is really important. Number eight is check in and closure and just knowing that they're important. So it's always a good idea to check in with your sweeties after playtime. So first off, are they actually ready to call it good for now? Are we done? Are they feeling good about what you shared? What do they need to come down softly from this experience? What kind of aftercare do they need to maximize pleasure and repeat opportunities? This is also a perfect chance to express appreciation for what they shared with you.

All right, those are the eight. How did they land for you? Are there any that feel harder or easier? It's just good to know those things. I'll recap them a little bit in a minute and we'll check, we'll check and see again with you which ones are harder or easier for you. So just know that these are principles to work on and oftentimes we're not perfect at them at first.

But it's really important to work on getting really damn good at them if you want to be invited to repeat performances and if you want to hold some standards for yourself. Get good at offering boundaries and get good at requiring consent conversations of partners. And yes, holding standards, people like inviting consent, handling no's with grace, and generally being a thoughtful person around what other people are up for in the moment.

It is so admirable and so sexy. So after we get those basics down. We want to make sure to have conversations with our lovers about this. So not just on our own, right, but actually having that conversation. And if it's a new lover, you have a blank slate. So I suggest starting with lots of consent conversations off the bat.

Also they can just be so sexy because you're so sexy. Talking about what's on your menu, right? What would you like to try? How would you like to be invited to do these things? So for example, early on, I let all Playmates know that some of the things that I love, right, where I like to be touched, how I like to be touched.

And I also let them know that I want to be asked regularly. And I let them know that grabbing and squeezing boobs is entirely off the menu for me. So I give them like a menu of all the juicy yummy stuff and I give them the like what is not on my menu. If you're with a new or established lover and there are types of touch you know that you're just open to whenever without being asked and you want to offer blanket consent.

Let them know that too. That's really encouraging to people. They're like, Oh, okay, great. Now I, it just clarifies everything. Now I know what I ask for and what I just go for, you know, that makes life so much simpler. It makes it more likely you're going to get the touch that you like. So also let them know, even if you're in a long term couple, you know, let them know really what you, when you want to be asked and what you want to be asked for.

For example, I love a kiss on the back of my neck. I do not love it when I am trying to compose an email. So my partner knows now to ask me. And we used to have some challenges around this. I was asking for more affection and demonstrations of affection from him. And you know, he was, Feeling like, well, every time he tried, I was not happy with when he did it, you know, so we really needed to have an explicit conversation about, just please ask me because I do want that. I'm often the initiator. So I really love getting an offer and being asked and it's extra special to me. And then when I get asked, I also get to anticipate it coming, which feels really sexy to me. So it's normal that it took us a little while to negotiate that and get good at it. And for him not to feel like I was rejecting him if I said not right now.

But I got better at saying it in a kind of a flirty way and that I'd love it later. And he got better at receiving that. and recognizing that it wasn't a rejection. It was just a timing thing for me. So that's just one example in a long term relationship, how you can continue to have consent conversations that really make things better and juicier, right?

So now I get a lot more kisses on the back of my neck and I get to kind of anticipate it and I get to get asked. It's really great. All right. What about advanced or like kinky shit? So if you're going to try some kinky shit, and I love that for you. So just be aware that if you are new to the BDSM world, consent is very, very much a huge part of it.

And actually a good BDSM community is an amazing place to learn consent competence. So any kinkster worth their salt basically has a full on degree in consent. And if you run into somebody who doesn't and wants to tie you up or do whatever to you, run the other way. really fast. They are not safe. So anybody who is in the BDSM scene should know very well how to negotiate actual scenes in advance.

And a scene is just a plan for the role play that you are going to do that is explicit about what will happen and what the boundaries are for everyone. And negotiations for BDSM scenes, they happen in advance and they include all the activities and also safe words. You can always use really simple ones like green, yellow, and red, right?

Where red is full stop of everything, yellow is pause and check in. But there are also situations where words don't work. Someone has a ball gag in their mouth, for example, and that means negotiating nonverbal cues in advance. And I just want to say this is a little public service safety digression. But there was a crazy article in the New York Times that was talking about the rise of choking in teenagers just the other day -- during teen sex.

And I just want to say this is so problematic for so many reasons, but -- never ever obstruct breathing unless you are highly trained because it is very easy to cause permanent brain damage. Permanent brain damage, okay? And in fact, even really professional doms do not do any choking play without extensive training in making it seem like there's choking without actually choking someone or putting pressure on their carotid artery.

Because you can restrict blood flow to the brain and you can cause brain damage. So in that case, right, there's another situation where somebody is not able to express a verbal no. That all needs to be negotiated in advance, and you need to make sure the person very much knows what the fuck they are doing.

So the, apparently there's a trend in this in teen sex -- both non-consensually and even consensually but untrained choking. So talk to your kids about that, too and make sure that there is a -- you know, that they are informed. So that was my public safety digression. But the point is, if someone can't speak, you need to be very careful to have a plan in place where they can express the need to stop.

And that's the same for consensual non-consent. So that is just role playing a non consent situation as a kink. And it's okay. There's nothing wrong with that as long as it is set up safely in advance with safe words or movements. And it should only ever happen with consent and someone who is capable of having really great extensive communication and negotiation as part of the scene in advance with zero coercion. Okay, so that's some advanced stuff in a very nutshell form. If you want to play with that, I suggest finding a good BDSM beginner class online or in person, and we'll talk more about the whole topic of BDSM soon with a guest which I'm really excited about.

But I'll just leave it at that for now in the context of consent. So your exercise today is to take a moment to reflect on each of the eight core principles and see where you could practice more and improve. So for me, I know I could get better at number six, which is offering alternatives when I'm in no.

What am I a yes to? And sometimes when I'm a no I kind of go blank and I'd like to practice more of coming up with ideas to offer in those situations. So I'm going to tell you the eight again so that you can reflect and maybe just think about whipping out a journal and writing them down, going to the show notes, and just reflecting on where you really want to practice first and how can you bring these eight principles into your life on a more daily basis. How can you integrate these in your life? So those are the two questions I want you to ask yourself. How do I bring them into my life and where do I really want to focus my first efforts at practice? So number one is asking first rather than just trying or assuming. Number two is accepting that anything that's not a clear yes is a no.

Number three is slowing down to find your yes or no and letting the other person have time for theirs. Number four is knowing that all honest responses are kind, including no. Number five is getting curious and not assuming in new time periods or situations. Number six is being open to offer or receive creative alternatives.

Seven is responding to mistakes with empathy and openness instead of defensiveness. And number eight is being willing to check in and have some sort of closure process with your partner. So that is your show today, folks. I am wishing you All good things today, wonderful, sexy times, whether with yourself or with partners, and I will see you here next week.

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I'll see you here next week.