How to Support a Partner with Sexual Trauma

It can be hard to know what to do when you're partnered with someone who is starting to heal from sexual trauma. They may be pulling away sexually. You may be feeling rejected, resentful, and/or disappointed. You may want to support them, but not know how.

Today we’re going to cover the key things you can do to support your partner’s healing and your intimacy together. Four things are oriented specifically towards how you interact with your partner and four are oriented towards supporting yourself.

Join me and let's help you both stay connected and get to the other side.

Get the free guide Find Your Secret Turn Ons to discover the roadmap to your best sex life at https://laurajurgens.com. You can also learn more about me and how to inquire about coaching availability.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

PS: If you are offended by some swearing, this podcast is not for you.

Transcript

Welcome to episode 16. How to support a partner with sexual trauma. So we're going to cover the key things that you can do to support your partner's healing and your intimacy together. Four of them are oriented towards your partner and four are oriented towards you. So let's get going. Hello, everyone.

Welcome to episode 16. I'm really excited to talk with you today about this topic. I get a lot of requests from people who want to know how to support their partners who've had sexual trauma. And I'm actually, I'm headed off to LA this week to do some additional trauma training that I'm so excited about.

And I-- it's one of the great things about my job --is I get to keep learning and keep picking up new tools that can help me help my clients better. So when you are receiving this, I will actually be in my training and bringing back some new juicy tidbits. But I get a lot of requests from people, right, well intentioned people who want to know how to help their partners and who probably have a bit of an inkling that there's a few things they could do that would probably not be very helpful, but just are kind of feeling like it's a, a minefield and in a lot of ways it really is.

Many of the couples I work with even. Not just one partner, but sometimes both have sexual trauma, like fairly severe sexual trauma. And it's really important, whether it's you or your partner, to think about intentionally how to support each other and how to support yourself. So today will be short and sweet.

We're going to cover the key things you can do, and all of them benefit from you as the partner of the traumatized person, having some sort of support. And a few of them actually require it. So I do want to just like encourage you to get some professional support that makes sense to you if you are in a position to do so.

Of the eight things I'm going to list, four of them are oriented towards you and four are oriented towards your partner. All right. Starting out, let's just acknowledge that your partner may be recoiling or pulling back from sex when they start healing sexual trauma. This can feel really hard to you, but know that it is a normal and actually really important part of the healing process.

But it does mean that you need to have resources in place to take care of yourself and to know what to expect. If done well from both parties. The pulling back can actually be a matter of months rather than years and the reconnecting can be amazing and your sex life will be better than ever afterwards.

But You are important here too, for your own sake and for your partner's, because your partner's healing will be a hell of a lot slower or can even stall out altogether if you are in disconnection, resentment, anger, neediness, and just not taking care of yourself. So here are the critical things to be aware of that can really nurture healing for your partner.

And there are two big things to do around consent, and I have a lot of exercises that I use with couples to help with these, but I'm just going to outline them for now. So one is going back to that consent episode, right, and really learning to be incredibly consent competent, embracing it to the nth degree, asking for, everything, sensual or sexual.

It really helps. This will help just de escalate your partner's nervous system when they are allowed to have consent, are really encouraged to do it. So Um, ask for, ask before you touch, ask if the person would like a kiss, ask even if they would like a hug, unless they tell you, unless they give you blanket permission, right?

Go through, um, I believe it was episode 14, that's all the consent stuff. So really internalize that, wait patiently for the yes or no, accept both answers with thank yous, whether it's a yes or a no. really know the principles in your bones because that makes you the safe person and it will go so much smoother for both of you if your partner's nervous system knows that you are the safe person.

They may know intellectually but really putting this into practice will help internalize it in their bodies. All right, number two, go overboard with permission to say no. And I don't just, this is beyond the consent principles. This is letting your partner know verbally and with your body language that you support them saying no, that you love that they're learning their no's so that they can find their authentic yes.

I actually love doing this for people. Sometimes people are so surprised. It happens a lot in my friendships where somebody will just say, Oh no, I can't make it that day. Or I would really love to, but I'm, I can't, or we're just like, I don't want to do that. That's not something that's fun for me. And I always thank them.

And I think it's so surprised and like happy and overjoyed in a way. It's so surprising to people to be appreciated for having boundaries. Let them know you love them and will be there whatever they choose. So remember that sexual trauma inhibits and damages our capacity to own our autonomy. It is hard to feel allowed to have a no, so you can really help speed along healing in your partner by being an enthusiastic supporter of their new and fragile boundary seeking.

And you may need to really push it, like, like, are you sure you're a yes? Do you, are you, you know, you don't have to go overboard, like definitely listen to them. If they say yes, I'm really a yes, right? But even with little things, like do you want to go to your mom's barbecue, right? Do you really want to make cupcakes for that school soccer game or whatever?

You know, you can say no, those kind of things. Sometimes it's really helpful. All right, number three, releasing expectations and entitlement. This one. is hard. But remember, no matter what your relationship is with someone, you are never entitled to anyone's body ever. Hard truth. Doesn't matter if you married them, you're not entitled to their body.

It also doesn't mean that your sexual needs don't matter, but you do need to release the expectation that your partner is the one responsible for fulfilling them. You are the person who's responsible for fulfilling your needs. If you don't release the entitlement, you are either going to stall out their healing because it's going to put inadvertent pressure on them.

No matter how much you think you're hiding it, you are not hiding it. It comes out in body language, it comes out subconsciously, and people pick up on that. You do not want to stall out their healing for either of you. Right? Because that sucks for both of you. And you don't want to build up a heap of resentment and anger in yourself because you feel like you're entitled to something that you're not getting.

So number three is challenging. You may very much need support on this. It's so understandable to need support. You're not a bad person for having expectations of your sexual relationship with your partner, but they are going to need to be put aside for some time. And really re examined what it, what exactly do I feel entitled to?

Right? There's some work there for you to do. Number four. Encourage them, but don't push them to get practical help. And please not talk therapy for God's sake, but like real trauma support, a therapist trained in eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, commonly known as EMDR or somatic experiencing are two methods I highly recommend for the trauma itself, if they haven't fully processed it somatically, and then someone like me for sexual re empowerment or empowerment in the first place, and re engaging with their own body and pleasure after they've processed the trauma itself.

So you can encourage them but don't berate them into it because people have to come willingly and at their own pace and when they're ready to be healed. Okay, so those are the things that are really for how you are orienting towards your partner. The next four things are about how to take care of you.

So number one is watch out for that resentment. Keep a tight eye on yourself and be very, very honest with yourself. Try to be aware when it's building and really get on top of it to clean it out because it can be sneaky. And if it's really bad, you may need to find creative ways to get your emotional and sexual needs met either with your partner in new ways or through consensual outsourcing.

I mean, if you don't want to blow up the relationship by non consensual outsourcing. And you may need support for that process, the negotiations with your partner about how you're going to get your needs met, what needs can be met, which ones you might need to process some disappointment around, whether you can, figure out some way to negotiate consensual outsourcing for some of those needs, and that could be as simple as just starting to go to a, you know, a dance night where you just get to dance and be in your body with sexy people around, right?

It doesn't have to mean you're engaging in sexual activity with somebody else. The outsourcing can be kind of creative to figure out, okay, well, you know, I just need touch. Maybe I just need to start going to a cuddle party, right? Or, I, I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna go to some BDSM munches, which are kind of these like casual get togethers that are non sexual in the BDSM community where you can just meet people and you might be able to do some, you know, apprenticeship kind of relationship that's not really explicitly sexual.

with somebody in the BDSM community, but where it feels kind of sexy to you and you feel like you're getting attention. So there could, there can be creative ways to do consensual outsourcing if you're not up for opening your relationship. But you may need support for all of that. So reach out to, you know, a professional who can help you with that.

Number two, Patience, and with it, self care. You're going to need both. You're going to need patience and a hell of a lot of self care when you're supporting someone who's going through a period of sexual healing. The only way people can have patience is to make sure you're taking care of yourself.

You're filling your own cup. With things you love to do that you have support, either through a trusted therapist or coach who is compassionate, but also helps you stay in your own responsibility and power rather than sliding into self pity or blaming your partner for not being quote unquote better already.

Right? Because it's really tempting to be frustrated with the pace of someone's healing. So you need to get support, and not just from like a buddy. who's just going to tell you what you want to hear or kind of help you badmouth your partner. You need support from someone who's really going to be, you know, who doesn't have a horse in the game.

That was a really mixed metaphor. In the race, I guess is what I mean. Um, somebody who can sort of step back and really help you take a look at it in a way that will serve you better. So. That number one is watching out for resentment. Number two is patience and self care for you. Number three for you is to avoid disconnecting with your partner.

Try to find alternative ways to connect rather than pulling back entirely. And I understand very much that it can be really tempting to feel like you're just rejected. You are not being rejected. You are actually the safe enough person that this person has reached a point in their life where they feel safe enough to actually do this healing work.

That is actually a really big compliment to you, but it can feel like rejection. And when somebody turns away or when they actually reject your advances, which can very much happen because that's part of what they might need to do. They might need to say no to everything for a while until they can trust themselves.

And that can just feel really hard and it can make you want to disconnect from them. So I invite you to instead have a really proactive conversation with your partner about what How it would be okay and feel safe to connect. You might need to take penetrative sex off the table for a bit. That's really common if there are sexual trauma involved, right?

But maybe they're great with sensual massage and you can learn each other's bodies in new ways and discover your Rajna zones together that you didn't even know you had, right? Learn to let other types of connection fill you up and also masturbate freely and often, right? So. Take care of yourself and try to avoid disconnecting from your partner, emotionally, and even physically.

Number four, something that helps you stay out of resentment and avoid disconnecting is actually embracing disappointment. So number four is embrace disappointment. Learn to own it when it's yours. Let yourself actually feel it and process it rather than suppressing it because that just leads to anger and resentment.

It's okay to feel disappointed sometimes in life. It happens all the time. We don't get what we want. And it can be hard, right? It can be tough. But if you need support dealing with disappointment, that is really good and normal, just get help from a coach or a therapist who knows how to help you process challenging emotions and tell them you have some disappointment to work through.

And if you're interviewing somebody, you know, let them know, I have a lot of disappointment, I'm trying not to be resentful, I really need someone who's going to help me be in this emotion and process it instead of turning it into blame, right? Can you do that? How would you do that? Okay, be a discerning consumer of the professionals you seek support from.

All right, so your exercise today, I want you to grab a journal. This one is a reflection. Go through each of these things and rate honestly how hard or easy they feel to do right now on a scale of one to five. With one being super easy, no big deal, I can do it in my sleep, and five being I'm probably going to struggle with that.

Okay, we're going to go through all the eight things I just said and you're going to rate them one to five. Number one, consent, asking permission for touch and sexy stuff. Number two, encouraging boundaries, giving lots of proactive permission to say no. Number three, releasing expectations and entitlement to your partner's body.

Number four, encouraging without pushing them to get professional support. Five, being aware of building resentments inside you. Six, cultivating patience in yourself and self care to fill your own cup. Number seven, Avoiding disconnecting emotionally with your partner. Number eight, letting yourself process and feel disappointment.

So which of those feel easiest and which feel hardest? I want you to go back to the list now and look at the ones that feel like you are going to struggle with. And now your task that I invite you to do, or your challenge is to brainstorm some ideas for how to deal with that. So you know it's going to be hard.

How will you approach it? And just, I want to give you one note to remember as we close up today, which is just the other side of this process is a way better sex life. It will be different. It will definitely be different. But it will be more authentic to both of you. Your partner needs to discover their voice and what they really like underneath all that trauma, disconnection, and disconnection from their sexual selves.

So in a lot of ways, they're going to be a brand new partner and life will be different. But it's also a really beautiful thing to support someone's healing and you'll get to discover all the fun stuff in your new partner and what their joys and delicious loves are. Tsar, you know, you'll get to discover their desires with them.

And I just applaud you for being a kind and loving person who wants to support their youth. All right, I'll see you here next time.