Initiating Sex: Key Troubleshooting Questions for Couples

This episode helps couples troubleshoot problems around initiating sexy time. In it, I guide you through how to talk over two of the most important topics for you and your partner to cover:

1) How are we dividing up initiation and do we both like the split? If not, what kind of split might feel better to each of us and why?

2) Are the initiation styles we've been using working as well as they can for both of us? How can we improve them?

We'll cover some styles of initiation that can fall flat and why, plus other common pitfalls. I'll also help you distinguish between initiation problems and other sexual challenges in relationships. As always, this episode will emphasize the need to ensure ongoing consent, pleasure, and enthusiasm from each partner, rather than assuming that "initiation" means some sort of foregone conclusion.  

Join me and discover how to troubleshoot your own challenges around initiation today. 

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Transcript

Welcome to episode 19, everybody. Today is all about troubleshooting a common challenge area for couples, sexual initiation, or just initiating sexy time. So if you have questions about how to do it in a way that works best for you and your partner, who does it, whether it should be the same every time, you are in the right place to get some answers.

And one thing that will be really handy for you is to know your deepest desires so that you can get the kind of initiation going that works well for both of you and helps you get turned on. In fact, knowing your deepest desires is just really important in general for getting fulfillment. So to find yours, grab this free guidebook I created for you on my website.

It's called Discover Your Deepest Desires. You just go to https://laurajurgens. com. It will walk you through an easy way to find and know how to communicate what you really want to feel when your partner invites you to sexy time. So go grab that today and we'll get started with today's episode.

Hello, hello everyone. I am so glad you're here. And we're going to talk about initiating sexy time and troubleshooting it because it is just a challenging topic for a lot of couples. And we used to have a hard time with this too in my primary partnership. And when you're not on the same page with initiation, it can make both people feel really resentful.

So that's not a recipe for great sex and connection, right? But what we're going to do today is actually address some of those common problems and show you how to start solving them. And It's really important to identify the feelings and challenges both people have around initiation in the partnership.

So I strongly advise sharing this with your partner and working through it together and I will give you some tips on how to do that. in this episode. I have a little bit of an admission today, which is that just be aware, I am like having one of those days where I'm very tongue tied and I keep stumbling over my words.

So, you know, you just might have to roll with that today. Okay, so there are two key challenges we are going to cover here. One is the initiation split. So who's doing it most often. And then the second one is initiation styles and whether they're working for everyone. And I'm going to do this episode like a flowchart or a troubleshooting guide.

You can follow along and write down yes or no to each question to pinpoint where your challenges are. And try to be as, obviously this is obvious right, try to be as honest as you can from your perspective and just being, be open to your partner having a different experience or a different perspective.

It doesn't mean either of you are lying. You're just having different experiences of the situation. So, for example, if you believe that you are the one who initiates almost all the time, but your partner doesn't agree. It then chances are that you are, you have different ideas about what initiation is, and you might not be picking up on the other person's idea of what it is.

It's not just, it's just not registering that way. So, That could happen and no one is wrong, right? And that's the most important thing in troubleshooting anything in couples is allowing yourselves to understand that you can have different perspectives and neither of you has to be wrong. You don't have to be on different sides.

You can actually be on the same side, the side of your relationship. And when you. approach relationship challenges as like, it's not me against them. It's actually both of us on the same team to solve something that affects both of us that we both deeply care about, which is our connection together. When you do it that way, you can acknowledge that it's okay that you have different experiences because you're different people after all, right?

But it means that you need to communicate openly with each other so you can problem solve for the relationship. Okay, so we'll talk a little bit about more on how to implement with your partner. today. But let's first get to some nitty gritty and some what are we talking about versus what are we not talking about today.

So one critical thing is that initiation does not mean there is a foregone conclusion. There is no such thing as teasing someone for sex by agreeing to make out. That is not teasing, that is just an agreement to make out. You are initiating, when we talk about initiation, you're initiating physical intimacy.

not signing a contract for penetrative sex or orgasms, right? No one's, it's not written in blood. Nobody owes you any fucking. So no one is entitled to particular activities with their partner's body, no matter how far along you get, no matter how horny you are, they get to stop at any time and just say, you know, great, thanks, babe.

I'm done for now. And you know, it's okay if you are disappointed, you have the right to be disappointed. You have the right to go have a wank. Or just to be gracious and grateful, which is also a good option, but you do not have the right to coerce them, guilt them, shame them, pressure them, or otherwise emotionally manipulate them into doing what you want.

So we're all just going to agree that initiation could be for any sort of physical intimacy and the activity it initiates can stop at any time. So there's no. Guarantee. And it's always an invitation with an open exit plan. And this is really important if you want initiation to work, that everyone always feels at, like, at choice at all times.

So we're, that's, this is like ongoing consent. Okay. So we're going to, now that we got that out of the way, let's dive in on the initiation troubleshooter. Okay. All right. So I'm going to put these questions to in the show notes so you can go over them with your partner. But first up, how do you as a team divvy up initiating sexy time?

So try to estimate from your perspective, a percentage. And if you can use actual data, rather than just like, I feel like I do it all the time, right? But think back to some specific times recently where you've had sexy times. And we can include anything from makeout sessions to oral sex to whatever your grandest, kinkiest, swinging from the rafters sex acts are.

Is the same person mostly or always trying to initiate? Who's doing most of it as you see it? And remember, any way of divvying up initiation can be great. Whether it's 100 percent on one person or closer to 50 50, the key is whether you both like the proportions. So first figure out That question, how is it divvied up from your perspective?

And then you need to ask yourself, am I happy with that situation? When it comes time to talk with your partner, or if you're listening to this at the same time together, which is great, good idea, good job. You want to. Ask, remember at the end of, after this episode is over, go back to the show notes and ask yourselves these questions.

How are we divvying up initiation? And are we both happy with that situation? Am I happy with it? And is my partner happy with it? Do not assume your partner is happy with it. You need to actually ask your partner if they're happy with it, and don't accept any sort of like, you know, bullshit kind of answers.

Oh, yeah. You know, if there's like weird noises coming out of their face, You want to see if you can, you know, know, babe, I really actually want to know, can we sit down and talk about this? I very much like this matters. And I want to make sure you're happy with this, right? So are you both happy with that divvying up?

If yes, oh my gosh, congratulations. You get to have a celebration. And it is really important to celebrate what's working for you in every part of your life. But. You know, especially if you are working on your sex life, which may be one of the reasons why you're here. Celebrate everything that is working for the two of you and that you're doing well.

Or however many partners you have, right? If it's a no, if one or both of you doesn't like the balance of initiation, let's put that on your list for problem solving together. Okay? Alright. Next question. Is the approach to initiation working well for both of you? So that means when one person initiates some physical intimacy, does the method or style they use work well for the other party?

Do they feel inclined to say yes if they are actually feeling up for it? Or does something about the way the initiation is happening make them actually want to say no and kind of turn them off? And do they also feel free to say no without coercion or negative consequences? You know, negative consequences could be like, well, every time I say no, my partner sulks for days and gives me these like, like side eye or whatever, you know, that like, it's kind of like being threatened with disconnection because you somehow disappointed your partner.

So just. See if you can have an open conversation about, is this style of initiation working well for both of us? And now look, try not to get too attached to what you've done in the past. Like, get all ego attached to it. If what you're doing isn't working for your partner, then it's not working for you.

And you actually don't want to keep doing that. And it doesn't mean that you were a bad person or that there's something wrong with your game or whatever. I mean, you know, it could improve, right? But it doesn't mean there's anything bad about you or wrong about you. So try not to take it super personally if your approach just isn't working for your partner.

That doesn't mean it wouldn't work for, you know, 20 other people. But this is the person that you are currently having sex with. And You want your approach to actually just fit their style so that both of you get to really enjoy them getting turned on by your invitation for sexy time. Right? So if it works for your partner, it will work a lot better for you.

So we don't want to get all kind of like, you know, ego involved in this, if at all possible. It doesn't mean it won't hurt a little bit to learn that we've done something that is just not working well. And I would also encourage you not to get too resentful about your partner not having told you before that.

You know, maybe the two of you just didn't know how to have this conversation. It's nobody's fault. Try to look forward towards what you are creating together and anticipation of all the better juicy activities you're going to have if you can match up your initiation style with what works with your partner.

Okay. So here's just some examples of initiation styles that can fall flat for many people, even though they aren't wrong per se. They just are really common ones that I encounter with clients where they just typically don't work for at least one person. And which means that they're not working for the other person either.

So number one, I call the bare bones ask. And it's basically exactly what it sounds like. It's saying, do you want to have sex? Just like out of the blue, without any warmup or ongoing flirtation. over the course of like the day or the week or anything. It's just kind of going up to your partner and saying, you want to have sex?

I mean, it could even be said really sweet, right? Like, Oh, do you want to have sex? But there's like no warmup beforehand. Now, look, this works for a few couples and it also works occasionally, even in couples where somebody usually doesn't like it. But Just because it's worked a couple times because somebody's like, oh yeah, fine, or like, oh, actually, like, you happen to catch me.

One moment where that style, the bare bones ask worked, does not mean it works as a regular approach to initiation for the partner. So be aware, check in on that if that's something that you do. Or if that's something your partner does and it doesn't work for you, it's very normal for that not to work.

Number two, What I call the tell it's this is a poker reference, but this is like some type of physical affection or kissing that always includes an attempt to escalate to sex. And this is where one partner pretty much never does that thing except when they want sex. And so it's become a code for, I want sex from you.

And you know that if you accept this thing, the partner expects you to have sex with them. So what happens is the receiver doesn't actually get to enjoy the sensation without the strings attached. So for example, if my partner only ever kisses the side of my neck, when? They want to have sex, and that's their way of initiating.

They may think they're being loving, attentive, giving me some sort of nice sensation, but because it's always got an agenda, it feels icky, and it just kind of turns you off. So. This is pretty, this is a pretty common turn off during initiation that can be a challenge. And again, you can see how nobody's doing anything wrong.

In the first case, with the bare bones ask, somebody is just being really straightforward. In the second case, somebody thinks they're giving some sort of affection. but it's not really working for the receiver, which means it's actually not working for the initiator either. Okay, so those are just two common examples that show how well intentioned initiation can result in rejection, even if the other partner actually does want to have sex, but the initiation style is just kind of turning them off.

So another thing to be aware of is that any initiation style that doesn't include Regular touch and affection, flirtation, in between sexy times, just on a regular day to day basis with your partner. If you just try to initiate out of the blue, it's also likely to fall flat for many people. And this makes a lot of sense because the pilot light is just not on.

The pilot light is not lit. There needs to be some erotic energy, some physical connection for most people in a relationship on a regular basis before any sort of invitation to sexy time is going to be able to really land. It needs, you need to have that pilot light on or the oven dial doesn't work.

Right? Doesn't turn on the oven. So I also want to offer just a couple caveats of things that we are not covering today because they could be affecting the outcomes of initiation and we are, they're, they're beyond the scope of this particular episode, but you might want to discuss them with your partner or just reflect on them for yourself anyway.

So number one, we are not explicitly dealing with major libido mismatches in this episode. You have a big discrepancy in the frequency of your desire for sex. You may not actually, look, initiation issues can really obscure that whole thing. There can be a lot of complicating factors. You may underlying actually want more sex than you think you want.

But that's a whole nother kettle of fish. And I work with real and sort of masked libido mismatches with couples all the time, very successfully, but it's more than we can do in this episode. However, it is useful to get it out in the open. So when you're talking about initiating, It's never a bad idea to talk about how often you would realistically like to be having sex.

So, I mean, given that you have a job, kids, other obligations, whatever is going on in your life, when would you like to fit sex in? And how often does that, what does that look like? So even if there's not a huge libido mismatch, there may be some Okay. There are also some other problems that can lead to a desire to say no, no matter how great the initiation is.

And I mean, I have a whole episode on libido blockers. I really encourage you to listen to that, but no matter how great the initiation is, it's important to acknowledge these even though we're not really focusing on solving them today at all, because they really do affect how well the initiation goes.

And I just want you to be aware to keep them in the back of your head. So, or in the front of your mind, if you notice one of these hits you like, yes, that's me. So some big ones are, one is repeated disappointments with the type of sex you're having. So look, if the menu doesn't have what you like, If you've been to this restaurant a lot of times and the menu never has something that you like on it, it is not satisfying you, this menu.

You are not going to be jazzed to accept this, another invitation to that restaurant, right? You are eventually going to be like, nope, I don't go there anymore. So repeated disappointments with the type of sex you're having, where maybe you're not really feeling super aroused, you're not really feeling seen, you're not feeling connected, or you're not feeling satisfied, you're not having an orgasm.

You don't always have to have orgasms, but you might be wanting to have them more often than you are, or your partner's having an orgasm and then turning over and going to sleep, whatever. There's, those are some examples of repeated disappointments that can result in just wanting to say no, no matter how great.

the person is at initiating. Unresolved sexual trauma obviously is a reason that you'd want to say no no matter how great the initiation, no matter how attuned your partner is. If you have unresolved sexual trauma, then your body is just going to want to say no in your mind. There's going to be sort of a fear response there at some point.

So we need to, you know, help you release that if you, if you want to, and if you choose to. Another couple of things are, you know, a total lack of foreplay. So if you're, if you consistently, your partner's great at initiating, but then there's almost no foreplay. Okay. And you are, especially if you're a female bodied person and you really do need foreplay because most of us need 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay, not the average, you know, 5 to 10 that most of us are getting.

If you're not getting the foreplay or the woman's orgasm is getting forgotten, Or if there's been pain with sex, those are all reasons why you would be just inclined to say no, no matter how great the initiation is. So just make sure that if you're talking about initiation and there's these other issues that you're separating out what those issues are.

Okay. Another one that's really important is just if there's been emotional manipulation patterns. like guilting or shaming around not wanting sex. If that has happened in the past, if you have been the party who's done it, you've guilted or shamed your partner for not wanting sex you have to repair that before your partner is going to be able to trust you again.

Really. And before your, if you want to work on initiation issues without repairing that, your efforts are really not going to go as far and they're, they're going to be really in vain. So it's important to go back and take ownership and repair those hurts. So that when you do work on initiation together, it actually works right.

And you will need professional help to do that. Almost no one has. The skill to repair that kind of deep hurt without help. So just to be very honest and clear with you if there's been guilting and shaming in the relationship about not wanting sex, that requires some professional support in my mind.

You are welcome to try to do it on your own, but I really do encourage you to get some professional help with repair. If you are the partner who's experienced that, then it's normal for you not to be able to respond freely to your partner's overtures, even if they're not guilting and shaming you now.

But if they've done that in the past, your body has a memory of that, and you will need to have that rupture repaired before you can really feel free in your response. Okay. So those were the caveats. To review the two key questions, oh there's my tongue tied today, the two key questions to tackle with your partner.

Do we like the split of initiation responsibility that we currently have? Number two, is the initiation style working as well as it can for both of us? And I really encourage you to approach these questions as a troubleshooting team together, knowing that it's okay for you to have different preferences and needs.

And if you need help finding what works for you, or if there are feelings of rejection and hurt, or a history of guilt, coercion, shaming that need to get cleaned out and repaired, please reach out for support. That's what I do. And if I'm not the right person to help you, I can often refer you to somebody who is.

And if we want great initiation from our partner. It is really important to take responsibility for helping them gently understand how to do that for us. So one of the best ways to do that is to really share our deep desires. Those are our psychological arousal needs. And Exactly, give them the roadmap to how they can best help us get those feelings when they are initiating sex with us.

So, for a partner to do that, we have to tell them, we have to help them practice. Because, unfortunately, people don't read our minds as well as, you know, we might sometimes wish that they did. I mean, I think none of us want everybody to read our mind all the time. I wouldn't want people to know what's in there, but sometimes we just, Oh yeah, we just wish our partners could read our minds, right?

Especially if we don't really know what we want or if we think there's something wrong with us having to ask for it. But as adults, we need to recognize that that's not the world we live in. People don't read our minds and we need to be able to ask for what we really need and help people. When they don't get it perfect, practice getting it better.

So if you want to be able to do that. A really great place to start is the Discover Your Deepest Desires guidebook. You will be able to figure out exactly what your top two deepest arousal needs are and communicate them much more clearly with your partner after you've gone through that. guidebook. It walks you right through it.

It's super easy. You can also check out episode five on psychological arousal to help with context, but you'll still need to grab that guidebook. So it's on my website, www.laurajurgens. com, and that's linked also in the show notes. 

All right, friends, I hope this episode was helpful for you. I hope you have great conversations about how to So I support your relationship, having more sexy time by, and just like more satisfying initiation by having conversations about it together.

And I'll see you here next week.