Relationship Skills Part 2: Attuning to Your Partner

Attuning well to your partner feels great for both of you. It enables emotional intimacy, which makes sexy time way better and much more likely to happen. It's also key for the special kind of non-verbal communication required in physical intimacy. But how do we do it well? 

This episode will walk you through how to attune well to your partner. It will also help you avoid the top 3 big things that get in the way of attunement, understand how to differentiate attuning from projecting on someone, and give you a satisfying, easy practice that will help you get great at it. 

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Transcript

[00:00:28] Hey everyone, welcome to episode 21. Today we are talking about another key relationship skill for great intimacy, attuning to your partner. There are some ways that people tend to misinterpret what this means and that can cause intimacy problems. So I'm going to walk you through how to do it well and what to avoid.

[00:00:48] So hopefully you are ready to rumble because here we go.

[00:01:00] Hey friends, welcome. Episode 21. All right, we're going to do this. Attunement to your partner. And if you're listening to this in June of 2024 when it first comes out, I just want to say happy summer to everyone. It is almost the longest day of the year, not quite. And I had a magical hike last weekend.

[00:01:24] Like about eleven and a half miles ending in a waterfall swim beneath a giant gushing waterfall. And, you know, this is what life's all about. It is also about attuning to ourselves and our partners. So today that is what we are talking about. We are talking about what attunement is not to start with.

[00:01:48] Then we're going to talk about three big things that get in the way of attunement, how to actually do it well, and a practice that will help you get great at it, which is really pretty fun to do and really, you know, just satisfying. So I think you're going to really enjoy that one.

[00:02:06] So... Attuning to your partner, it's not hard, but it does take some learning and some practice because we're basically trained out of it. We are all capable of attuning to ourselves and others because we're made for it. As humans, we have an internal landscape that we can be present to if we're not fully dissociated like I used to be.

[00:02:31] And we can actually just take a moment to check in with ourselves. And that is really what self attunement is. So much of the time, though, we just don't, but it is always there waiting in our bodies. And we are also wired for connection with other people. And especially, you know, we are great at nonverbal communication, although many of us kind of forget that fact.

[00:02:58] We are a socially evolved species and for millennia and millennia, we had nonverbal communication before we even started really talking. And certainly we were making noises at each other before we even had words, right? So this is all baked into our DNA. We are all capable of attunement. Modern society has just really done kind of a number on us.

[00:03:27] We're bombarded with advertising, devices, all kinds of seeming obligations. Many of us are actually disconnected from our bodies and each other, and we're taught to focus outward from a very young age, you know, to sit still and to pay attention outside of ourselves, to consume entertainment, to hurry, to focus on others for what we need to fix or what we want them to do for us, right?

[00:03:56] So attunement, we can think of it as really just a return to our basic human roots. And I think because of that, it feels really easeful and wonderfully recharging when we do it. But it also makes sense that we need help knowing how to do it. And we do need some practice. And so that's what we're going to dive into today is how to return to that state for yourself and return to that capacity and how to build it through some fun practice.

[00:04:29] Okay, so first up, what attunement is not? So attuning to another person is not mind reading. We can't do that. And attunement doesn't replace communication. It's also not projecting on someone and deciding what's going on with them based on our own anxieties. So we're going to cover how to determine the difference between projection and attunement at the end today.

[00:04:58] But it's really important just to remember attuning is not assuming. So what is attunement if it's not mind reading or projection? It is actually Just a grounded awareness of another person, attuning to ourselves first and holding that sense of what's going on with me allows me to then turn towards another person with an openness to seeing who they are in this moment.

[00:05:32] Where are they? Who are they? Here we are together. Right? It's being present with someone wherever they're at. Now here's the secret. To be present with someone, we do have to be present with ourselves first. Otherwise, it's kind of like there's no one actually there to do the being present part. There's no one home.

[00:05:57] And so the first and most important principle of attuning to someone else is attuning to yourself. first. So if you haven't yet, go listen to Episode 8, which is Relationship Skills Part 1, Attune to Yourself First. That's what it's called. And it's really super important that you do that first. This episode is building on that one.

[00:06:22] Once you are self attuned, then you can take a part of your awareness and focus outward. But the key is just a part. You need to keep a part of yourself, a sort of tendril of awareness, attuned to you that will keep, that will just enable you to stay in your own boundaries and be grounded in your own presence.

[00:06:46] And it's much more delicious to your partner if you are grounded in yourself. It feels so much safer, so much more like there is a connection there because there's somebody who's staying home to connect with. Okay. So why does that matter? And well, when we try to attune to someone else without attuning to ourselves or, and staying connected to ourselves, we wind up kind of jumping out of ourselves and being over focused on the other person.

[00:07:18] And this is super common. So if you do this, do not feel bad about it. It's just a really common situation. I think almost everybody does it until we learn. another way. The people who are sort of natural exceptions, many kudos to you, but it's really easy to jump out of ourselves and be over focused on other people.

[00:07:39] And we tend, when we do that, we tend to feel kind of anxious, a little bit hypervigilant. And we're doing a scanning, sort of a scanning for validation, rejection, or danger. And to the other person, it actually kind of feels like pressure. Because their partner isn't grounded, it feels like pressure.

[00:08:01] overwhelming, like an overwhelming amount of attention, a little graspy, a little too much, and it can feel like pressure to perform, to soothe, or to caretake, and tends to feel really unsexy. So now look, I get that this may sound very woo or out there, right? But remember, we are Very, very adept at nonverbal communication.

[00:08:30] It is something we come out of the womb into the world doing and being primed for and ready for. It is really our first language, along with touch, right? So nonverbal communication. So All of these things are actually really tangible, even though it may not be something that science has spent a lot of time in trying to measure.

[00:08:54] But there is actually some science around social cues and nonverbal languaging and nonverbal communication that does seem to be not completely universal across cultures, but a lot of it actually is. So it's maybe not that easy to quantify these things, but they are actually very concrete and real. So, the lack of self attunement, that is the number one thing that gets in the way of properly attuning to someone else.

[00:09:23] When I talked about there being three things that get in the way, this is number one. And you can notice if you are failing to attune to yourself, because you may feel resistant to or reactive when you get feedback from your partner about what they'd like, or if you feel hypervigilant. worried or anxious about rejection or over focused on wanting evidence that your partner is pleased or having pleasure in each moment.

[00:09:54] It doesn't mean you don't care. If you're just caring about your partner's pleasure, it doesn't mean that you're not self attuning, but there is a aspect of it where it's like hard to relax because you need to check in and make sure that there's this anxiety around whether the person is being pleased so then that you get to feel pleasure because you've accomplished that in some way.

[00:10:19] And people who are in that mode where they're looking for sort of vicarious pleasure through their partner tend to be not Okay, so just noticing, are you able to be relaxed and gently inquire about whether your partner would like something different? Or are you sort of jumped out of yourself and kind of hyper focused on them?

[00:10:42] One of the ways that can also manifest really commonly is through the eyes. So when you are not really attuned to self and you're kind of hyper focused outward, the gaze also gets really outward. There's a, the eyes tend to be bigger, the, they're a little bit more fixed, there's like a fixed gaze on the other person with a really expanded gaze.

[00:11:08] and more tense eyelid. And it can actually feel, you can really see it. I wish I could demonstrate for you through a podcast. I do this with my clients all the time. But it's really easy to see when someone demonstrates it. But just imagine right now, kind of opening your eyes really big and like staring at somebody.

[00:11:28] That can feel like a little bit of what's happening when somebody is. is kind of really outwardly focused. And it does feel kind of oppressive to the partner a lot of times, and they're not sure why, right? But if this is your tendency, Try just relaxing your gaze. You can still look at the other person, but allow your eyelids to be a little lower and more relaxed.

[00:11:55] Make sure you're breathing deeply all the way down into your belly, even into your pelvis, just allowing the breast to come all the way down through your torso. So you're not up in the throat, right up in the upper chest breathing and allow yourself to pull your gaze back from the intensity of outward focus.

[00:12:15] And for you, your practice, if this is your thing, will be to really nail all the self attunement in episode eight. Okay, so go back there and practice that. The second big pitfall that gets in the way of good partner attunement is having an agenda for what you want to get for your, from your partner. If you have a, like in your head it sounds kind of like, well this is what I want to happen, and this is what I'm going for attitude.

[00:12:43] And it, you may not be thinking those thoughts consciously, but you can kind of tell that you have an agenda. You really have something you want from your sexy time together, and you know you'll be disappointed if you don't get that thing from them. Whether that's penis and vagina sex, or whether that's a boyfriend.

[00:13:01] I'm going to show you how to do that in just a second, but I'm going to show you how to thing or not. That you aren't able to attune to your partner moment by moment, right? When this is the case, you actually, the best thing to do is just slow your roll and practice letting go of the agenda. And that doesn't mean that you won't ever get that thing or you should never have a conversation about wanting that thing.

[00:13:45] But I can promise that you are much more likely to have more good experiences overall and keep your partner coming back for more so that you can practice letting go. Or move towards getting that thing more if you release your tight grip on it being an agenda every time you are together. Okay, so how you do this if you are, if you notice that you are one of the people who have this sort of agenda based pitfall here is you, there's three steps.

[00:14:14] You slow down before any sexy time happens and take at least ten deep belly breaths. Number two, see if you can release the need to get that thing. Just ask yourself, can I release my focus on getting X today? And then number three, invite yourself to just be willing to enjoy whatever the two of you do create together during this experience.

[00:14:43] Right? So slowing down and breathing, at least 10 breaths, deep breaths. See if you can release the need to get that thing today. And see if you can allow yourself to just enjoy whatever you do create together in this experience in the moment. Okay, so the third pitfall, the third thing that gets in the way of good partner attunement is mistaking projection for attunement.

[00:15:09] So I alluded this to this at the beginning of the episode, but this is a big one. Attunement has curiosity and not judgment. So remember. that you can be open, noticing, and curious about someone who's with you in this moment. But you're not trying to read their mind, and you don't get to assume or decide what someone else's internal experience is.

[00:15:36] And it's really super easy for the parts of us that have attachment wounds and, you know, just, you know, The pain that we've accumulated over the course of our life, emotional pain, right, or anxieties. It's very super easy for those wounded parts to decide we know what someone else is thinking or feeling.

[00:15:58] And the truth is that we don't. No matter how long you've known them for, I've been with my primary partner for 24 years and I've never I am not able to actually reliably figure out what is going on in his head. And that's okay. Same thing for him. He can't figure out what's going on in my head either.

[00:16:23] And that's okay. That's good, actually. We're kind of glad we have a little privacy in our own head, right? But when you're open, noticing, and curious, you may get a hunch. And that's okay. You can ask. And just be open to your hunch being wrong. So it may sound something like, Oh, hey, it seems you might want to slow down.

[00:16:44] Am I right about that? So that's very different than, You're not into this, are you? So the first one, I'm bringing curiosity. Oh, hey, it seems like this might be what's going on. Am, am I right about that? Tell me if I'm wrong. Very different than me assuming Am that my partner is not into something and saying, you're not into this, are you?

[00:17:06] Right? You see how there's a really, there's like a judgment in that second one. It's coming from an anxious projection of my fear that my partner is not into what I'm doing. And that's just one example of projection. There's a million examples of projection. They could be about anything. And it takes a lot of practice to discern the difference.

[00:17:29] between checking in on a hunch and projecting on someone. And it's kind of a really inexact science. It's a, it's a not, I mean, it's not really reliable. So our job is actually then just to decide we're going to be onto ourselves as much as possible about projection and that it's probably going to happen.

[00:17:52] And it doesn't mean we're bad people. We're just human. And so what we do then is just bring curiosity to ourselves. Am I projecting or am I, or is, is, am I, you know, picking up on something? So in that way, we can then go back to that gentle checking in. So just remember projection has judgment and attunement has only curiosity.

[00:18:16] And so that's how you know the difference. Okay. And not that we can't lie to ourselves about whether we're being curious or judgmental because we can do that too. But again, trying to be onto ourselves as much as possible, right? Nobody's perfect. So self attunement, releasing your agenda and being onto yourself about projection are the prerequisites for good partner attunement.

[00:18:43] And when you are ready, when you've checked all those things and just kind of checked yourself for them, Here's how we do partner attunement. We've again, we've got three steps. So one is attuned to yourself first and go to episode eight to get walked through how to do that. Number two is releasing your agenda and being willing to just be together with this other person.

[00:19:05] And then number three, the attunement, which is keeping a sense of awareness with your own internal landscape, your body and your emotions. You bring a relaxed gaze to your partner and you just notice this other person existing in the same space and time as you. Bringing a gentle awareness of them, allowing them to be wherever they are in their own bodies and emotions, and just noticing them with some curiosity and some presence.

[00:19:35] They are having an internal experience just like you. You don't need to know everything about it. You can't intuit everything about it. But you can be curious together about how your experiences flow together in this moment. Attunement is sort of like, hey other human, I see you here and we are here together kind of moment.

[00:19:57] That's it. Just allowing them to be where they are while you are here where you are. That's all there is to it. So the practice I highly suggest is this, and it's a pretty easy and fun one. Go through these three steps with people in your life at least once a day, you know, three times a day is even better and more fun, but do it for like regularly for at least a week.

[00:20:25] You know, attuning to people is a muscle to build and it needs exercise to really get it down. And we don't even learn, you know, you don't really learn how to squat properly in a week. You don't learn how to play, you know, pickleball or whatever the hell you play in a week, right? So think of attunement as a sport, a very wonderful, rewarding, fun sport, and practice it like a lot for a long time, you know, for weeks and you'll get great at it and it feels wonderful.

[00:21:00] So you don't have to practice this with sexual partners only at all. Practice it on everyone. Attuning to people is key. Wonderful, and it will enrich all your relationships, including your non sexual ones. You can attune to your kids. You can attune to colleagues. You can attune to family. You can attune to a random person that you are interacting with at the ice cream shop or the coffee shop.

[00:21:26] It's just an open awareness of others while connected to yourself. So remember the process is just Attune to yourself first, number one. Number two, just release any agenda for what might happen. And number three is just open to a gentle, relaxed awareness of this other person. Just kind of taking them in.

[00:21:46] And that's it. No one even needs to know you're practicing with them. But it feels really good to you. Thank you. And At least it feels really good to me and it feels really good to my clients. So I'm guessing it'll feel really good to you too. And for heaven's sake, do not use this as a reason to berate someone for not attuning to you.

[00:22:08] Not that I haven't been tempted to do that or even done it in the past, but you can notice if you're not getting attunement. the way that you would like, or you don't feel like your partner is attuning to you, and you can gently invite them to learn with you. Everybody is capable, but some people have a really hard time slowing down enough to actually try it, especially the first time.

[00:22:35] Once you get over the first time and you notice how good it feels, it's a lot easier. Most of us though, we will always attune imperfectly to each other, and that's okay. You know, our brains are busy with lots of stuff. But if we can even do it 30 percent of the time, it can be a game changer in relationships and just really nourishing to everyone.

[00:22:57] So please do share it with partners and friends, share this episode with them, and just practice together. And I know that sounds, in some ways it sounds so simple, right? But it also might sound really vulnerable to actually share. this with someone and say, Hey, I would like to do this better. I would like to have deeper connections and just feel more connected and be able to attune to other people better.

[00:23:24] And I'd like to feel that attunement myself from someone. Yeah. Okay. That is vulnerable. And you'll be a really brave badass if you do it. And if you really, really want it. Because it does feel really great to be attuned to. It feels really great to be able to attune to someone else. I just encourage you to try to be brave and have that conversation because it's really rewarding.

[00:23:53] Okay, so don't forget to grab the Find My Secret Turn On's guide on my website, laurajurgens. com, which is L A U R A J U R G E N S dot com. It is a great guide to finding the core desires that are underneath how you really want to feel during your intimate time. So grab that on my website and I will see you here next week.

[00:24:19] Hey, if you're curious about how you could have better sex and connections, go grab my free guide, Find Your Secret Turn Ons. It's right on my website, www. thorajergens. com and the link is in the show notes. I'll see you here next time.