You're Not Dysfunctional and Why Comparing Yourself To Others Isn’t Helping You

Most of us don’t talk openly and honestly about our relationship and sexual challenges. So it’s no wonder that we look around us at everyone else and assume they are having great sex and easy relationships. Today we're talking about how that mistake can actually harm us. 

We're diving into the incredibly common habit of "Compare and Despair" as it applies to our relationships and sex lives. We'll talk about why you are more normal than you may think, no matter what struggles you're having, and why assuming others are are having better, easier relationships is 1) not true and 2) not helping you. We’ll also talk about how to stop this energy sapping habit, and how that can help you feel better now, while also making it easier to make changes you'd like for your future. 

Get the free guide Find Your Secret Turn Ons to discover the roadmap to your best sex life at https://laurajurgens.com. You can also learn more about me and how to inquire about coaching availability.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

PS: If you are offended by some swearing, this podcast is not for you.

Transcript

[00:00:20] Hey everyone, welcome to episode 23. Today, we are talking all about the habit of compare and despair. And if you don't know what that is, you're going to learn. And especially we're going to talk about why you are more normal than you may think and why assuming others are better off doesn't actually ever help in sex and relationships.

[00:00:49] And we'll talk about how to stop this energy sapping habit and just kind of how to normalize people having challenges in sex and relationships. So let's get going. This topic, comparing ourselves to others, thinking they have it better off, and that they're somehow better than us, or more worthy, or more lovable because of it.

[00:01:12] And then feeling really shitty about ourselves and our situation. You know, that is just, we call it compare and despair. It's really common. And It really feels awful, and I was reminded of this recently because I did it, and I hadn't been doing it for a long time. I really trained myself out of this, but it still crops up.

[00:01:34] It's still a pretty easy habit to get into, and it's still a pretty easy thing just to have happen, and so it really helps to be onto yourself about it. And I was onto myself. I noticed I was doing it. And I was just feeling really awful, I was feeling really envious, and I don't enjoy the feeling of envy, so it, and it's not very common for me, so it felt really weird.

[00:01:58] And I just, it was towards, it was just this funny situation, towards another, you know, Coach. She coaches in a totally different sphere than me. And it was just this little thing that I've actually been really wanting to get done in my business. And she had done it. And I was looking at her and being like, imagining that it must have been somehow easy for her, and that it was super successful for her, and that it was totally worth all her time, and she didn't struggle with it.

[00:02:30] Even though she said she struggled with it, I was just sort of minimizing that in my head and having this fantasy about how easy this was, and oh, why couldn't I do that, right? And I was asking myself that sort of like, really disempowering question. Why can't I? Whenever you start a question with why can't I in your head, you will get the worst, most disempowering answers.

[00:02:53] So I was doing that and I realized it and I took some time to journal about it and really separate myself from that. And I realized that it would be really good to talk with you all about it because it's a thing I see all the time in my coaching with individuals. with couples is this idea that the grass is greener somewhere else and other people are better off.

[00:03:20] And this is, I mean, it's just really normal when we think about sex and relationships because Most of us don't actually talk openly and honestly about our challenges with relationships and sexuality. So it's no wonder that we look around at everyone else and assume they are having great sex and easy relationships because we are not sort of wearing t shirts saying my sex life sucks or I don't know how to connect to my partner or we haven't talked in a while.

[00:03:49] about our sex life in a year, we've just avoided it. Even if we're someone who's more open than most people, we probably just complain a bit to our close friends about what we're not getting or doing. We may look for advice online. Only to run into, you know, kind of a shitstorm of ads for supposed quick fixes or medicalized language purporting to diagnose our supposed dysfunction, and they call it that.

[00:04:16] Or sometimes we get the sort of random internet advice crew, which is like telling us how to manipulate our partner into being different or how to magically make ourselves different. And all of these supposed help articles and videos, and that's not to say nobody has good information out there.

[00:04:32] They do. It's just not that easy to find. And it doesn't tend to be the top of the search results. So most of the things that we do get at the top of our search results are sending us this one overarching message that there's something wrong with us, something wrong with our partner, or we're not doing something right.

[00:04:48] And this really bums me out. I'm sad about this. really horrible landscape of supposed help available to people. But here's what I really want to tell you today. This message that there's something wrong with you, or you're not doing it right. And I mean, there may be some things to learn, right? But this idea that there's something actually fundamentally dysfunctional about us is just not true.

[00:05:14] You aren't dysfunctional. You aren't a problem. And Let's not keep assuming that other people are somehow better off and that it's somehow abnormal to have struggles with relationships and sex. There's this weird idea that we're supposed to somehow quote unquote like know what to do just innately or magically that it's somehow natural.

[00:05:40] To know exactly what to do in romantic connections, in partnerships, in sex, and that is absolutely not true. Not wanting sex, wanting sex all the time, not being able to talk about sex, even when you can talk about anything else to your partner. Not having orgasms, having orgasms more quickly than you want, feeling resentful in relationships and feeling guilty about it, wishing your partner were different, wishing you were different, feeling unattractive.

[00:06:08] Feeling like your partner is unattractive. All of these things are so incredibly normal and common. When we assume that they're uncommon, when we look around and we don't see, see people, you know, advertising these challenges, and then let ourselves assume that we're the only ones who are struggling, when we assume all these other people are having the type of sex and easy relationships that happen in the happily ever after part in movies, right?

[00:06:36] We're not only completely wrong. We are creating despair and hopelessness that saps our ability to take action, because we're looking at it and thinking we are just weird. We are, there's something dysfunctional or not normal about us. There's something wrong with us. So this kind of comparison to others where we're idealizing people and we're sort of fantasizing about, we have this fantasy built up about everything sort of coming naturally or easily to them.

[00:07:06] That's what we call compare and despair. And you can do it about literally anything. And it always has the same shitty results. It makes us feel awful and it SAPs our will to take action, to get help and to do what we need to do to make change. And I know you can do it about anything because I used to do it about so many things, , right?

[00:07:30] People do this, including me. I've done it in the past about, you know, being fitter, not. eating that or not drinking that, getting the job, being multi orgasmic, having great skin, being nicer, having more friends, whatever, right? I did it about somebody actually just creating, a particular style of quiz that I've been like planning for you all that I really want to get out and I just haven't been able to like finish.

[00:08:01] I've just been prioritizing my clients and I haven't been able to finish getting the quiz out and I was like, envious that she had gotten this out, right? So, such a tiny little random thing. I, you know, I've done it with people at the gym when I'm weightlifting. I'm like, oh, look how much weight she can lift.

[00:08:19] That's amazing. And if I'm in the compare and despair phase, where I'm letting my brain sort of just fantasize about the story behind that and not see the struggle behind it and that it probably took her years and years and years to get there and she started where I did, then it just feels overwhelming and despairing.

[00:08:38] But if I'm in this sort of aspirational where I'm like, Oh, maybe, actually, this person worked really hard for a really long time, and maybe there's all kinds of other things in their life they put aside and didn't do so that they could get to this place where they're lifting that amount of weight over their head.

[00:08:55] Then it doesn't feel so despairing, right? Because I'm not creating this fake fantasy that this was easy and it was easy for them and it's hard for me, right? That's the compare and despair part. So you can always compare yourself to others and always find people better than you at literally anything.

[00:09:13] There's billions of us after all, right? Or you can look at people who have more stuff, prestige, attention, whatever. And then we make up a story that makes them happier or more lovable and that it was like easy and all this other stuff and we'll never have it, blah, blah, blah. So that is the recipe for misery.

[00:09:35] And it's actually. It's really not true. None of this stuff is really making people happier or more lovable. And a lot of times if they struggled along the way, that's actually what's given them the lessons that help make them happier if they are happier, right? But some of the most miserable people I've ever met have had the most money, fame, looks, all these things that we look at and compare and despair around.

[00:10:04] Even people who easily have multiple orgasms are often not happier people. So some things actually we know, and I'm not saying nothing helps with happiness, right? Some things do help with happiness. Having basic needs met, like health, physical safety, autonomy. Loving connections, enough money for food, shelter, some savings in case there's an emergency, right?

[00:10:29] But even for these things, comparing ourselves with others and just stewing in self judgment or envy and imagining it was easy for them and not seeing the hard work it probably took and thinking that we just can't have it. Right? That doesn't actually help us take action to improve our situation. The same thing happens with our sex life and our relationships.

[00:10:53] If we're looking outside ourselves and looking at other people and thinking they just have it better and there's nothing we can do, it saps our will to take action and to take change, right? We wind up just binging and doom scrolling or whatever numbing behavior is your flavor of choice, right? So when we compare What we know about our internal experience of our lives, which is a heck of a lot.

[00:11:20] We know our own ups and downs. We know our internal unvoiced disappointments. We know our hidden struggles, our hurts, and the places we don't feel seen. When we compare all of that, that internal information, with other people's outsides, what they show to the world, We will always feel more fucked up than them, right?

[00:11:44] Because we have this whole internal landscape and then we're just looking and we're comparing with some sort of external view of someone else. We're comparing our insides to their outsides and they're probably doing the same thing for us and we don't actually know what each other's insides are. We don't know what that full story is.

[00:12:06] We don't know what the struggles are. Remembering that we can't judge our internal experience as somehow abnormal relative to other people's external experience. So, the actual reality is, it is super normal to have challenges in sex and relationships. And I know because I hear people's internal experiences all the time, lovely, functional.

[00:12:37] I mean, they are, they're normal people, right? Normal, lovely, functional humans who have internal struggles and private frustrations about their relationships and sex lives. Everybody has them. It is very rare that I meet someone and tell them what they do, what I do, and they're like, Oh yeah, I have no problems with my sex life.

[00:12:56] It happens. But when I talk to them more about it, it's because they have done a lot of work on that usually or because they're in denial sometimes. But most of the time it's because they've actually really intentionally focused on those things and they tell me their story about focusing on that. and learning.

[00:13:14] So most people have some real internal struggles and private frustrations with their relationships and sex lives. These burdens that they deeply want to lay down, get past, move on from, that is really, really common and normal. So if that's you, you are in the majority. And We can, right? We can learn. We can get past these burdens and frustrations.

[00:13:40] We can move on from them. You can. They can. And if the, you know, their only difference, if there is one between you and them, is if they're coming to see me, they're just hap they're in a phase where they're ready to get help, right? And maybe you haven't been ready for that yet. That's okay. So usually when others have what we think is a perfect relationship or sex life, it's because we are either one, we are wrong, or B, they did all that hard work already to get there and you haven't seen it.

[00:14:13] They may have taken a lot of hard, vulnerable action along the way. They may have made a big commitment and an investment. You know, that's how I got a really, I'm so happy with my relationship and I'm so happy. I'm glad that we put the work in, but it was really hard at times, and there was a lot of work, and I spent a bunch of money on getting help, too, and all of it was worth it, right?

[00:14:37] So please do yourself a favor and stop thinking there's something wrong with you, shameful or abnormal, for having very normal struggles common to everyone. Everyone in a society that shames us left and right around sexuality and our attractiveness and how it doesn't teach us at all, gives us actually horrible messages about how to relate to each other.

[00:15:01] And they tend to be manipulative and inauthentic and they just plain don't work, right? So it's so normal that we have struggles because of all that. So when we compare ourselves to other people and we imagine they're just better off, we make ourselves miserable and we shame ourselves with this thing that's just not even true.

[00:15:18] So the real truth is that you aren't dysfunctional. You may be struggling, and that's okay. And you're probably having very normal responses to some things that are dysfunctional in your present or past situation. And the dysfunctional things that happen to you have created some sort of blocks that might be getting in your way of authentic sexual expression or relating to others.

[00:15:43] And that's okay. That's normal. And we can just remove the blocks. Because underneath, you are just as worthy, sexy, and lovable as anyone else. No one is more worthy, sexy, or lovable than you. You just have some things in your way. And people have acquired different sort of numbers and sizes of blocks based on their life experiences, and in some cases even their genetics.

[00:16:09] But that's okay. The vast majority can either be removed or worked around so that you can have more pleasure and connection. So the bottom line is there's nothing At its core, that is wrong with you as a person. So we can stop then indulging in the compare and despair habit. And it is actually a habit, like the more you do it, the more you do it, and the worse you feel.

[00:16:34] And it's something we either encourage in ourselves by just letting ourselves do it willy nilly, or we actively discourage it. And I would suggest you get on team actively discourage it, because Those of us on that team feel much better. So when I caught myself doing it and then I was able to stop, I feel way better and now I'm prepared to finish this quiz for y'all.

[00:16:57] It's going to be great. And I've actually put time in my calendar to get it done instead of sitting in the despair that I somehow haven't managed to do it magically already, right? So here's what to do when you notice yourself creating demoralizing fantasies that compare you to somebody else's outsides.

[00:17:17] Step one. Remind yourself it is not helping. Okay, step two, remind yourself that you don't actually know that person's full story and yet curious about the things you might not know, right? You don't know their insides. You don't know their secret shames and struggles, what they're awful at, what hurts they have, what kind of work and obstacles they overcame to get where they are about that whatever thing that you're looking at.

[00:17:48] Because I promise all those things were there. So when we actually stop spending time just imagining and indulging in the fantasies about how awesome it must be to feel like them, we can actually imagine their struggles and then we stop reducing them to this sort of like caricature, right? We let them be human.

[00:18:08] We stop making ourselves feel awful. So that's your exercise invitation for this week is to check in. with yourself and really ask yourself, when and where do I compare myself to others negatively? And let yourself do this with compassion. Don't give yourself a hard time for doing it. It's a normal human thing.

[00:18:31] Just call yourself out on it with compassion and say, okay, hey love, that is not helping me. And then get curious. I wonder, What could this person have as internal struggles and history that I'm just not seeing? Just even imagine what kind of shames or hurts they have, what kind of commitments they had to make, what kind of help they had to get have to get there and see how that feels.

[00:18:58] I bet it feels loads better than the compare and despair and might actually feel kind of motivating. to take some action where you want to make some change. It makes it a lot easier to take action when you're comparing only to sort of aspire, right? Think of it as aspire, inspire, right? Let people inspire you.

[00:19:25] Admire and inspire instead of compare and despair, right? So have a lovely week, my friends, and I will see you here next time.