How to Feel Better About Getting Rejected

Today is all about how to build rejection resilience.

How do you deal with rejection by default? How do you feel? How do you actually want to feel? We're going to dive into how to feel better when we don’t get what we want from someone. I’ll share the 4 options for responding to rejection. I’ll break down which ones undermine and which ones support continued connection so you can choose your own adventure in response to rejection. 

Get the free guide Find Your Secret Turn Ons to discover the roadmap to your best sex life at https://laurajurgens.com. You can also learn more about me and how to inquire about coaching availability.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

PS: If you are offended by some swearing, this podcast is not for you.

Transcript

[00:00:20] All right. Hey, lovely people. Welcome to episode 27. So today is all about how to build rejection resilience and what the heck that even means. How do we deal with rejection by default when someone says no to us? How do we actually want to deal with it? How do we learn to feel better when we don't get what we want from someone?

[00:00:49] We are going to answer these questions today. I'm going to share the four responses to ongoing rejection that people kind of generally choose from by default, but we'll help take a look at them and break them down and see how we might want to choose on purpose based on which ones kind of undermine and which ones support continued connection and help us feel you know, as empowered as possible, given that other people have free will, which is sometimes a bummer to deal with.

[00:01:22] And we'll think about what we want to consider when you're choosing your own adventure in response to rejection. All right, so since this podcast is all about sex and intimate relationships, we are going to focus on rejection in terms of sex, dating, and relationship stuff. So, You can apply a lot of these same principles to other types of rejection in life, but in the context of today, of course, we're going to talk about sex and dating and relationship stuff.

[00:01:54] So this could be a new person not wanting to go on a second date with you, or a lover not wanting sex with you, or a partner not wanting to join you for bowling night, or go out with your friends, or whatever. But it could also be about other rejections, like promotions, jobs, not making the cut on a sports team, not getting your million TikTok followers goal, not getting invited to that girl's trip to, you know, whatever island.

[00:02:23] You get me here. We make offers to people all the time. And sometimes we get a yes, and a lot of times we get a no. And you might not see other people collecting their no's, but they are. And they're not usually celebrating all their no's on social media. So, you may really have a bias in thinking that you are receiving more no's than other people.

[00:02:48] But even the top Celebrities, you know, your movie stars get turned down for parts, for dates, and for sex. I promise that they do. It is an absolute fantasy that anybody gets all yeses. And in fact, it's a fantasy you're sold on all the time by advertisers who try to make you think that if you buy whatever shit they're selling, that brand of jeans, hair product, beer, psoriasis medication, whatever.

[00:03:15] That you will always be included and desired. It is a classic ad strategy. If you really look at the ads, they have people who are in groups or couples the vast majority of the time. They are trying to show you that other people want them and therefore you should buy their crap. And this is all playing on this basic human fact that we all want to be wanted and included.

[00:03:43] Of course we do. Of course we are scared of being rejected. And so I just want to really normalize that if you struggle with rejection, that is because you are a human being and that is okay. But I also want to invite us to really get under the hood of all this and see where we might be giving away more power than we have to and feeling more miserable about things than we have to.

[00:04:14] The type of rejection we're typically most terrified of is the, what I call the who we are rejection. The, like, idea that somebody doesn't want who we are. You don't want who I am. And that is what I call a big R rejection. It's the one where we feel like part of our identity is being rejected. We don't get nearly as freaked out or frightened of the little R rejections when people just don't happen to feel like whatever we are offering in the moment or they already have it.

[00:04:50] Like when what we brought to the potluck doesn't get eaten. It's a bummer, but it's not usually heartbreaking unless we've attached some sort of identity to it. And we've all met those people, right? Who like, their like ambrosia salad didn't get eaten and they're having a breakdown in the corner because it's like all about who they are.

[00:05:07] But I'm assuming that you're not that person. If you are that person, yes, please get some help for that because it's okay for your shit at the potluck not to get eaten. In fact, I'm usually like, Ooh, more for me because I usually make things that I like. So, unless we've attached some identity to it, it's not usually such a big deal if somebody says no to us.

[00:05:30] You know, maybe we offered a partner someone in tango class and they tell us they've already got a partner. It's kind of hard and awkward, but it's not devastating. Contrast this with that moment in middle school, the kid who is Not just the last picked in gym class, the one left over after the last one was picked in gym class.

[00:05:54] And I hope, somebody needs to tell me, please tell me that they don't do this in gym class anymore like they did when I was a kid because this is like a classic, like traumatizing experience for people. But anyway, the kid who's left over after the last pick in gym class and has to slink off to the team that never chose them and didn't even pick them last.

[00:06:16] That is devastating. That stays with you. I know because that was me and it stayed with me and I can feel in my body how horrifying that feels right now decades later. So we can see that it's these big R's that really hurt. The ones where we feel like who we are is being rejected. Where we feel that we are personally unwanted.

[00:06:45] And that can happen in relationships. It can happen all at once when we experience the pain of a breakup initiated by the other person, or it can happen slowly over time in trickles when we make offers for something and get no's over and over. And that's whether it's in dating or in a relationship, right?

[00:07:07] If we're making offers to multiple different people while we're dating and we keep getting no's or we get ghosted or whatever, or in a primary relationship where we keep making offers, maybe for sex, maybe for cuddles, maybe, you know, for affection, whatever, and we keep getting rejected. The big breakup pain of rejection is a whole topic on its own.

[00:07:27] And One that we all know can be super hard, and I'm not going to actually focus on that one today. I really want to focus on the trickle type rejection, mostly because it gets a lot less airtime and it's super duper common. And it generally causes a lot of friction in relationships if one or both partners are feeling regularly rejected.

[00:07:51] And so much of the time there builds up this real underlying kind of trash heap of resentment that goes, is like stinking up the cabinet in the trash can, right? But we're not looking at it. And it can also cause a lot of struggle and angst in dating if you feel rejected repeatedly. And I work with people on these things all the time, so both to clear out the pain and resentment and also to solve whatever is causing the rejections, which is usually solvable.

[00:08:23] So that's why I want to talk about this today. And the top reasons we experience these trickle type repeated rejections, whether they're for sex or other activities, I just want to like break these down for y'all. So, one reason is we might not be asking clearly or well, and we just think that we are.

[00:08:46] This is so common. We think that we are being clear about what we want, but we aren't. And we're relying on innuendo or like some sort of code for what we want, and the other person is not working from the same manual. And that, you know, that is just really common. And so. are we being as clear as we really think we are?

[00:09:08] And we may need to ask our partner about that. Do you understand what I'm doing here? Right? The other thing that could happen is that we're not asking well. We're not asking in a way the other person enjoys. Okay, so There's, in fact, you know, maybe like hit up that podcast episode on initiating sex because that has a lot about sort of how to, how to talk about the ways that you both enjoy initiation and how to make invitations and figure out what kind of invitations your partner might enjoy.

[00:09:42] So that's one. Number one, we're not asking clearly or well. We just think we are. So number two is we're missing a warm up that is needed. This is really common when the ask is for sex. So sometimes people are just asking for sex or trying to do their little, whatever their little ritual is that is the way that they ask for sex, which might be like kissing their partner's neck or whatever, rubbing their ass or something.

[00:10:10] But they're not actually doing it. putting in the time and effort to really warm up their partner and give their partner the room and the time and the patience that they need to be in a position to actually feel like they actually want to have penetrative sex. So missing the warm up But it can be, it can be common for other stuff too, like social events that we want our partner to join us for.

[00:10:36] We just need to make sure that the pilot light is on, that we've given them what they need to say yes. So. For example, I am not someone you can physically ignore all week and then just ask me for sex. So some people that works, it does not work for me. It doesn't work for a lot of women actually, but it doesn't work for a lot of people in general.

[00:10:57] I need flirting and touch in between every time, like all the time. And I need attention and affection, otherwise my pilot light is just off. There's no way that water is going to boil. And for social stuff, I'm kind of similar. If I just get asked to go see a band I don't know or go out with people I don't know, I need warm up for that too.

[00:11:18] Like sell me on it. Tell me how great they are. Tell me how awesome the venue is. Tell me, like, some fun stories about it. Right? You get the picture. For both of these things, it's missing the warm up. And so that actually also, you can check out the episode on initiating, which I think is number 19. All right.

[00:11:42] Another reason that we can get rejected pretty often. One of these trickle rejections is this is just the other person's just not feeling into it. And I know this sounds really obvious, but I really want to challenge you to think about this differently than a rejection of like who you are, what you have to offer.

[00:12:06] The other person is just not feeling into it. They don't want it for a bunch of their own reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with us. There are a lot of good reasons as it relates to sex that somebody might not want sex. And I list a bunch of them in episodes three and four. If our partner actually wants help in those areas, they can get it.

[00:12:31] But regardless of whether they want help or not. It's important to realize that the rejection is not about you. It's not about who you are. It's not about you. It's about them. And that feels really different when you realize that look, they have wants and desires and challenges that aren't at all about you.

[00:12:57] Now look sometimes it is about how the two of you are doing things together and that can also get sorted out with some support. It is absolutely a specialty of mine so I do it all the time and I know it can get sorted out. But just knowing that it's not a rejection of you, it's not about you not being attractive, it's not about you not being a good person, it's not about you not being loved, right?

[00:13:24] They just have their own things that have nothing to do with you. Okay. Number four, the other person isn't feeling into it for reasons that do have to do with you, but aren't actually about them rejecting who you are. So for example, it's very common for there to be a buildup of resentment or unresolved conflict in a relationship.

[00:13:48] Or maybe they can tell like, You're pretty checked out and not present with them or you're kind of just like trying to like almost use their body to masturbate because you're feeling stressed out and you just want to get off or like, you know, you just need a distraction or something. There's ways, you know, your partner can tell those things.

[00:14:09] We always think we're pulling the wool over people's eyes when we're not sort of telling them verbally something. But, oh my gosh, can everybody can read. read between the lines. They, they know what's going on. So they may not know why, but they've got some spidey senses. So don't discount your partner's spidey senses.

[00:14:28] So it might be about us, but it's not really a rejection of like who you are. It's just that there's some conflicts or some resentments, or there's some sort of spidey senses that feel off to them because of where you're coming from. That is all solvable. Okay, now look, number five, there is the option that maybe they are rejecting you because of who you are.

[00:14:53] Let's not pretend that that option doesn't exist. This is where the person is just not feeling into it, whatever it is that you're asking for, for reasons that actually are about who you are. And this one happens a lot in dating, especially. Like, we are trying to date. And we run into people and we're just not their cup of tea.

[00:15:16] It is not a good fit. Maybe we talk too much or too little for them. Maybe we ask too many questions or too few questions. Maybe we are too loud or too quiet, too short, too tall, too skinny, too muscly, we don't smell right to them, whatever. Everyone has preferences and we don't always fit their budget.

[00:15:37] group of preferences. I, that's where I just say, you know, we're not their cup of tea. Or maybe there's something we're doing that comes off as like creepy or otherwise hits their buttons. That's okay. That still doesn't mean we're horrible and awful and that no one will ever want us, right? But this person or these people aren't into what we're bringing to the table.

[00:16:00] They do not like our ambrosia salad. They do not like what we brought to the potluck. And maybe there are some things to look at there. We could reflect and figure out, okay, well, if I'm getting this from a lot of people that I'm trying to date, maybe there's something I could learn here. We're probably not going to be able to ask that question and actually learn anything if we're making it this, you know, horror, like, shameful, horrible, like, we are awful.

[00:16:31] And and just like feeling super bad about ourselves. But if we're looking at it like, oh, there might be a pattern here I could fix, then we have a much better chance of approaching it with, and actually getting solutions, right? But that kind of rejection that like, you're just not their cup of tea, is much more likely in dating than it is in a long term relationship.

[00:16:54] Because in long term relationships, look, you're somebody already decided that you're a good fit for them. Your voice, your smell, your looks, your behavior, et cetera, your sense of humor. Now, look, if those things change dramatically or that person changes what they want, maybe you're not such a good fit anymore.

[00:17:14] And that might mean like renegotiating, making some decisions, deciding if you want to change or learn if they want to change or learn. Or if you need to move on and, you know, think about uncoupling on purpose. But just notice that of all these things on these five things on the list, only one is actually about who we are, and even that doesn't mean that we're horrible, awful, no good, and no one will ever love us.

[00:17:42] So, That's how it feels when we let that, you know, like gym class type of rejection in. It feels like we are just like unlovable and unwantable. And I just want to challenge that, that we don't always, we don't have to make it mean that. You know, I would love to be in a situation like middle school gym class again.

[00:18:05] Sign me the fuck up because I would love to have the experience again where I get to show up as who I am now. And if people are just picking teams, I'm like who I am now would have so much fun with just tearing that whole structure down and just be like, I do not care. You want me on your team, I'll be on your team.

[00:18:28] You don't want me on your team, like, fuck off. It's your loss, right? But I was not there as a middle schooler. I was not there as a little kid. And we all of us have that little sensitive inner child inside who takes rejections as this, you know, like, total, like, dramatic hand on the head, gone with the wind moment of like, I am utterly unwanted, right?

[00:18:56] And that's where We need to check ourselves and really be careful about what we're making a no mean. Because when we put so much pressure on another person that they have to say yes to us or we're going to have like this whole emotional dramatic response, even if we think we're hiding it, it feels like pressure to the other person and it is not going to make them want to say yes.

[00:19:29] checking to make sure we're not putting so much emotional baggage on any sort of like, you know, request that we make of anybody for any activity, whether it's sexual activity or not, somebody saying no to us, you know, I don't want to have sex with you right now, is not an emotional rejection of who we are.

[00:19:48] Okay. So our core being is not, your core being is not a problem. Most often it's some aspect of like changeable behavior or some sort of fit situation or something going on with them or something just going on between you. And behavior change options are really, you know, behavior change is not as hard as everybody makes it out.

[00:20:14] as, but it does usually benefit from having some support and some help and somebody help you identify, like, what is it that you're doing and help you practice doing something different. And I mean, that's, that's exactly what I do. That's my whole job. I love it. But it is also really important to, like, I just want to emphasize that.

[00:20:34] There will always be nos, and that is a good thing. Your behavior change options can lower your, your nos dramatically, but you will still get nos, and It is good. No one needs to get everything they want all the time, including me. I'm really glad I don't get everything I want all the time. I would be fucking insufferable.

[00:20:57] We are not entitled to people catering to our every desire. Thank God. Right? It is okay to have other people have free will and I You know, they say no, and I am so grateful for their no's. I am so grateful when someone says no to me, because I know that they are protecting and caring for our relationship by not people pleasing me and doing something they don't want to do, which is just going to build resentment and break the connection between us.

[00:21:30] I am so glad when they tell me an authentic no, but what we don't want to do is make every rejection. that sort of big R make ourselves feel awful and horrible every time someone says no. So, we need to figure out how we deal with the nos, and that we are inevitably going to come across, right? There are four main ways.

[00:21:55] You know I love numbered lists because I feel like it organizes things for people, and maybe it just organizes things for me, but it, in my head, it helps me organize things and be like, all right, I don't want to do x, y, and z. I want to do. that one. So there are four main ways people deal with getting a note.

[00:22:14] We can do what most people do and just pick subconsciously with whatever feels easiest. So that's what most of us do and what I used to do. And sometimes what I still default to doing first, which is just pick whatever feels easiest in the moment. Unfortunately, that often gives us pretty crappy results.

[00:22:33] Or we can choose on purpose what approach we actually want to take. And there are some pros and cons to going the easy route versus the hard route. I mean, both of them have pros and cons. So here are the four options. The first three have something in common, which is that they involve pre deciding what happened.

[00:22:54] And the last one is different. Number one is we can just quit. So this is all responses to sort of getting repeated no's, right? So we can just quit asking. This is where we've decided, like, I'm not going to get it, so I just give up. And it's a valid option. And sometimes it's a really smart one. But sometimes it's not.

[00:23:17] So, in relationships, this option tends to build resentment inside us, because secretly we're actually pretty mad about not getting what we want, and are telling ourselves that we were forced into giving up by the other person. But it is a choice that we are making. We have decided that whatever We're wanting, we're not going to get it, and we've given up.

[00:23:43] So the rare exception to resentment in this situation is when we have intentionally gone through a deeper process of grieving this, I, this thing that we are wanting and not getting, and we've actually gone through the grief of really letting it go. very intentionally. And that is sometimes a good choice.

[00:24:09] But a lot of times people take the option of quit asking without actually knowing whether they're not really ever fully finding out whether it's impossible for them to get it. If you find out, for example, from your partner that it is impossible for them to get it, your partner comes out as asexual, your partner has, you know, a radical.

[00:24:33] You know, prostatectomy and like they have erection complications and they're never going to get an erection again and you need to decide that you are never going to have an erections based sex with your partner. Then you know, going through a supported grieving process of what you're not getting and really letting that go so that then you can.

[00:24:56] come back and to the table and figure out what you can do together if you so choose. That's a different type of stopping. You know, that's not just like quitting. That's like an intentional process. All right. So number one is that just sort of like stop asking. There are some pros there and there are some cons there and there are some ways to do it that can be a good option.

[00:25:24] But there are some cautions, right, if we're just doing it subconsciously. So number two, another option that people take a lot is we can just get mad at the other person. So if we want something, we're not getting it, One common option is just to get really mad and blame the other person. And we often will either shame them verbally or we will fume silently and give them like the silent treatment or the cold shoulder.

[00:25:51] The decision we've made here is that it's their fault that I'm not getting what I want. And obviously this one also has a heap of resentment. Baked in. The other person will know that we are blaming them, by the way, and we can't fool ourselves into pretending that they can't tell. They will know. They might not know all the details, but they will know something's wrong.

[00:26:14] And so that is an option that a lot of people take. And I've certainly taken it before without really thinking about it. And, you know, it doesn't feel that good in the long term. It kind of feels good in the short term because there's this sort of like I'm letting myself off the hook, right? Because I'm just putting all the blame on them.

[00:26:32] I'm not taking any responsibility for my part or taking any power in the situation at all. I'm just giving all the power to them and saying this is their choice and I'm forced to deal with it and therefore this is all their fault. So, pros and cons again. All right, number three, we can get mad at ourselves.

[00:26:53] So, I've also taken this option many times. We have, this is the one where we've decided it's my fault that I'm not getting what I want and therefore I suck. And we think we're hopeless in some way and we turn the blame and shame on ourselves. And this is what I used to do about gym class rejection is I used to just think I suck and therefore I'm not getting chosen by people.

[00:27:21] And what happens with this one is we break connection with the people around us and we retreat into our hurt. And then we tell stories to ourselves about how bad and awful we are. And Just a reminder, those stories are not true stories, those are just optional stories that we are telling, right? It is not an option that feels particularly good, and it also doesn't have a lot of power in it, because we've made this decision that there is just, there's blame, we are, it's our fault, and we are somehow bad.

[00:28:00] Alright. So, These are all, those three options, we've all sort of like pre decided that we know what's going on. But option four is different and option four is we haven't made a decision about anybody being at fault and we haven't given up. Instead what we do is we get curious and we say to ourselves, what can I learn here?

[00:28:23] I keep getting a no for this thing that I want. I wonder what is happening for me and for the other person or people involved in this situation about this desire of mine. And we investigate our own responsibility without blaming anyone. In this case, nobody actually has to be at fault. I know this can kind of break our brains sometimes to think that nobody has to be at fault for us not getting what we want, but it's true.

[00:28:52] What we do is we look around instead and we see where might I have power to help the situation or change it? Where do I not have power? And what is learnable here? I can promise this is not anyone's default response to rejection. It really takes some thoughtfulness for pretty much everyone. Nobody's like magically able to do this without.

[00:29:17] without really setting an intention to do it. But this is the only option that doesn't erode our connection with ourselves and with the other person. And it keeps our options open. So that is not to say it's never a good choice to pick one of the others. And I, I just don't think that staying in the blame versions are usually terribly helpful.

[00:29:39] Staying mad at them or ourselves, even if it can be an understandable default or just giving up, right? There's not a lot of empowerment there, and there's not a lot of learning potential. So If you are thinking that you might have some interest in option number four, it will generally feel best and it will generally get you the best outcomes, the best chance of getting what you want in the future and staying connected, having a better relationship with yourself and with your other people involved in the situation, getting curious without assigning blame and looking for where you have power, including power sometimes to support someone else.

[00:30:21] is that option. But it does take some patience with yourself and some intentionality. So I'll give you a couple examples of clients that have or have not taken these different options. So a couple I worked with, they did an amazing job of getting curious. They didn't start out that way. So they had a pattern where she wanted sex or affection more often.

[00:30:44] This is a heterosexual couple, and he felt resistant. And they defaulted to the sort of number one through three, right? Giving up for a while, she'd sort of stop asking and then break down in tears or blow up at him or both. And he'd shut down more and blame himself and also get kind of mad about kind of being pushed.

[00:31:05] And they noticed this wasn't helping and they came in for support. They had decided they were willing to be curious. Right. And we were able to shift into number four, stepping away from any blame. And once we were able to actually step away from any blame and talk when they weren't activated or triggered by each other through this pattern, right, they were both open to seeing their own roles.

[00:31:34] And how they were playing this out, and we were able to figure out what would actually help them feel more free and connected. And what was behind the behaviors for each of them, what was it that they needed, and find playful, fun ways for them to reconnect sensually and sexually. And it was even like, you know, they've been doing this for years, but we def, it was pretty quick.

[00:31:57] We defused the tension in about, you know, four or five sessions. And then the rest of their time with me, we spent helping them navigate the ups and downs that come once you've sort of solved the, you've released the tension, right, and you're kind of back connected together. Go through the situations that typically trigger that pattern and play with new ways of approaching it.

[00:32:22] And then we also did all kinds of fun stuff like discovering and communicating deep desires and stuff too. No more rollercoaster pattern, no more pulling away, blowups, breakdowns, just more connection and working through things together in a fun and curious way. So I want to contrast that with this guy I met a few months back.

[00:32:44] So this was somebody who, he's an ex pat so he's from a different culture and living in the U. S. And he was getting rejected a lot, asking women on dates. He decided American women are just super sexually repressed and that's why he can't get sex or a relationship.

[00:33:06] And there are definitely cultural differences, including sexual repression in the U. S. I absolutely acknowledge that, but, so this guy's doing number two. He's blaming the other person and it's going nowhere for him. He has zero power in that situation as he's created it. He would have to move and try his luck elsewhere, which frankly, I don't think would work because He's just going to take the same pattern with him wherever he goes and keep blaming the women somewhere else for whatever other reason he concocts, right?

[00:33:39] If he'd instead asked what was in his power to change about his own approach, he could get somewhere. And so that's what I offered. That's what I told him because I help people with this all the time. I even go on mock dates and give feedback. I help men with this regularly. But he wasn't, this guy wasn't willing to get curious.

[00:33:58] He was really focused on his explanation that it was American women and their sexual repression, which is why his appeals to them wasn't working. Right. So you can see how that blame just stopped. any hope of progress. Basically, all he can do from now on is try to date other expats, but he's cutting off his dating pool dramatically because he lives in the United States.

[00:34:25] And chances are he'll find some other reason to blame the expat women for not responding the way he wants either, because we tend to take our patterns and just repeat them in different flavors, right? So here's what I want to send you home with today. So it's worth remembering. in any situation where you're getting a no, to try as hard as you can to make it a little R and not a big R.

[00:34:52] It's not about who you are. And this is what people mean when they say, you know, that don't take it personally thing. But I, That never made any sense to me and I kind of hated that advice because it's really unclear how the heck to do that. People just say, well, don't take it personally. Like, well, how, how do I not, right?

[00:35:10] And so that's what I want to invite for you here is how to actually not take, make it a big R. To actually remember and list, like write it down, all the other reasons that you might be getting a no that have nothing to do with you being unlovable or undesirable or unwanted as a human being. So get really curious and active about finding other reasons.

[00:35:41] interpretations to help your brain not make it about who you are. Number two, see if you can get curious and look for where you can take some responsibility without taking blame or blaming the other person. So the difference between responsibility and blame is like this, this was really hard for me for a long time.

[00:36:01] So I explained this and, you know, skip it if you totally understand it. But for me, it really took me a while to internalize the difference and it made it. It's such a huge, profound shift in my life that I don't want to skip over this part for people. So my analogy is like blame. So responsibility is like having a dog that shits in the yard, and the dog has shit in the yard and you could sit there and just say, well, I didn't do it.

[00:36:35] So I'm, I'm not to blame. I'm not going to do anything about this. Right? And, or, you could blame the dog and be like, dog, you need to pick that up because you were the one who shat. Right? But the dog's not going to pick it up. So responsibility is saying, okay, it's my dog. It's my yard. Or even if it's not, especially if it's not your yard.

[00:36:58] It's my dog. I'm going to pick up the poop. And nobody is to blame. The dog's not to blame for being a dog that poops. And you can think of the dog as the universe, right? The universe is going to shit all over the place. And sometimes it's our responsibility to pick it up because nobody else is going to do it for us.

[00:37:17] Right? And it's like, well, if I don't want there to be shit all over my front yard, maybe I should just pick it up. But I don't have to feel bad about myself. I don't have to blame myself for it. Right? So, See where you can take responsibility, like maybe I have, maybe I have been getting rejected on dates all the time because I'm not really taking care of personal hygiene.

[00:37:38] You would be surprised at how many people, men especially, this is your answer guys. Some of it is actually just personal hygiene. And so, you know, Can you take responsibility without feeling horrible about yourself? Yeah, you don't have to feel bad that you haven't gotten a haircut or like brushed your teeth or, you know, whatever, plucked your eyebrows in years, but just go do it.

[00:38:05] Take responsibility for it. Right? That's a really simple and seemingly unimportant, but actually important example. Okay. So where can you take responsibility without taking blame or blaming the other person? And then ask yourself, what can I learn here? What can I learn about me? What can I learn about them?

[00:38:26] What can I learn about us? And can I just let it be? be okay that this person has a no sometimes? And if I would like to have a higher proportion of yeses, how can I learn, how can we learn together, if they're interested in participating in that process, how to increase that proportion of yeses? And that's, you know, that's something I help people with all the time, so I know it can be done.

[00:38:54] So I want to invite you to do it for yourself if you feel like you are getting rejections really often. And if you need help, reach out, you know. But first, you know, take a stab and see what you can find on your own. And so I offer you the exercise this week to identify areas of your life where you feel rejected.

[00:39:12] Do you feel rejected a lot? in what areas of your life or relationships. And then get curious about whether you're making the rejection about who you are, like a big R rejection, and get curious about what else it could be. So that's it for today, my loves. I will see you here next week. And Yeah, I hope you have a week full of both yeses and no's and let them both feel good.

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