What Am I A "Yes" To (Even If I'm A "No" To Sex)?

It is super hard when you feel stuck in the Big No. You feel like you always have to say no to your partner. You may wish you wanted sex, but the truth is that you don't. There are loads of good reasons for that (see episodes 3 and 4 for many of them!). 

But it also just sucks to feel stuck there, worried about your relationship, worried if you'll ever feel differently. I am not here to tell you to change. In fact, I firmly believe there's nothing wrong with you. You are most likely having a very normal response to whatever the underlying situation is for you. We're not going to solve that in one podcast, but I can give you one simple thing to do to start feeling better. (It does NOT involve telling you to have sex when you don't want to!)
This is a simple and fun game to help you find what your body is a yes to, apart from sex. Check it out. 

Get the free guide Find Your Secret Turn Ons to discover the roadmap to your best sex life at https://laurajurgens.com. You can also learn more about me and how to inquire about coaching availability.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

PS: If you are offended by some swearing, this podcast is not for you.

Transcript

[00:00:20] Hey everyone, welcome to episode 28. I am really excited to bring this one to you today. It is short, but it is sweet. And it is for all of you who feel stuck in the big no. The zone where you are just used to saying no to sex a lot, and you feel like it is hard to get out of that place.

[00:00:46] It IS hard to get out of that place, to want to say yes, you really feel kind of maybe even stuck in obligation and there's just this internal resistance. You feel like maybe the two of you haven't--you and your partner --haven't been connecting sexually in a long time. You just don't feel like you want to say yes, but you want to want to say yes.

[00:01:08] This is for you. And it is not sex. I am not going to ask you to have sex. You are not ready for that yet. And there is a reason that you feel a really strong internal resistance. So we want to respect that. But we also want to help you get out of the place where you just feel stuck in constantly saying no.

[00:01:32] Because there's, there's a lot that's available to you and sometimes seeing what you can say yes to is just one of the most powerful things you can do. Both for you and your partner. adventure, your journey in whatever you're experiencing, and you could, you could be experiencing sort of being stuck in the big no for a lot of reasons.

[00:02:03] But also for your relationship, because it can feel really hard, and it, it's one of the sort of things that can feel like a lot of pressure internally for you to say yes, is your fears around how saying no is impacting your relationship. And so By playing this game, it gives you something to say yes to, gives you a lot of practice with listening to your body, and it also will really open up dialogue in the relationship that probably really needs to happen.

[00:02:33] And it may seem a little scary at first, but it's really fun. So I just want to invite you and your partner to think about playing this game. And this game is a what can I say yes to sensation game. So, we want to help you find what your body is a yes to. What sensations does your body actually want to experience?

[00:03:02] What sensations is it open to trying out even if it's not sure how it, how much it wants that or not? But it's definitely not a no. We want to make sure we stay on the line away from the body. or like on this side of the line, on the yes side of the line, or on the maybe side of the line. I definitely don't want to cross the body's no side of the line.

[00:03:25] But part, some of the reasons why we can get kind of shut down around sex is because we haven't really explored listening to our body to find out where those lines actually are. And this game will really help you do that. And it can really open up the yeses. and help you find both your yeses and your nos.

[00:03:50] So this is really easy. All you need to do is set aside some time to say, and you can play this with yourself too if you want I really do highly recommend playing it with your partner. And having your partner listen to this and the two of you talk about it, and then finding a time where you can play together.

[00:04:11] And the whole thing is to set aside some time and say to yourself, what am I a yes to? What could I be a yes to in terms of experiencing sensations? Start with a brainstorm. And really check in with your body. to feel whether you are a yes or a no. There should be a, an internal gut response from, from your, like, from your belly, from your heart, from your genitals, from some part of inside your torso.

[00:04:48] that lets you know that you are a yes or a no. Now it may be very faint. If you're not used to listening to it, it may be very quiet and it may take a while. You have to be really patient. Your body doesn't respond at the same time frame as your brain. Your brain's going to be like, yes, no, maybe, what am I supposed to say?

[00:05:08] It's going to be going a million miles an hour. But your body has a very slow response. So. You need to really be patient and listen. If you ask it, for example, Would I like a soft finger run down my forearm? To listen, you might get it like a, Well, that could be okay. All right, give it a try. See if your body likes it.

[00:05:37] See if you can feel a yes or a no, or see if you can feel it. Oh, I might like that, but I'd like it a little bit different, which is wonderful. And then you can ask your partner to do it a little bit different, right? Or your body might like, you might like to ask your body, would you like you know, cooler or a warmer air temperature.

[00:05:59] Even starting with that, seeing how do I like the air temperature? How does my body like the air temperature? And trying not to think your way into the answer, but to actually feel it inside and listen your way into the answer. So all you need to do, set aside, you know, 20 to 30 minutes, you know, get a willing partner and ask the question.

[00:06:21] What am I a yes to? What sensations does my body actually want to experience? And what might it be open to experiencing? What is it definitely a no to? Don't do anything that you're a no to. If you have a hard time coming up with some menu options and you're brainstorming, I'm going to give you some ideas.

[00:06:43] So, you can think about different types of objects that you could experience the sensation of. So for example, you could have a hand towel, a rock, a fork, a soft blanket, a feather, right? Any sort of household object. Somebody could touch you with it, right? You could touch yourself with it. , where do you want that touch?

[00:07:09] Do you want to experience it on your hand, on your elbow, on your ear, on the back of your knees, right? Do you wanna experience it running down kinda the outside of your, your thigh or your calf on your feet in your butt crack, wherever, right? So think about what locations might I like to experience this in?

[00:07:28] Where would I like to try this? This is just a sensation play game, there's no right or wrong, there's nothing shameful, right? There's just like a, how might that feel on this giant organ that is my skin? Would you like the object to be warm or cool? Would you like the air to be warm or cool? Would you like there to be a blanket that you're laying on?

[00:07:50] Would you like there to be a pillow under your neck? Right? Just really feel into what your body would like to say yes to. If you'd like to have person touch. There might, there's all kinds of options. Super light, like barely touching the hairs on the skin, let alone the skin, right? Like a very light feather touch.

[00:08:12] Or a scratch with the nails, or a grabbier touch, or like a firm hold. A light bite, a harder bite. Kneading, just simply cupping, or like a firm pressure somewhere. How much movement. Would you like, would you like kind of repeated regular movement? Would you like more random movement? Would you like stillness with the touch?

[00:08:36] Would you like any other like lotions or oils, right? Almond oil, coconut oil, grapeseed oil. Would you like to experience airflow from a fan or somebody blowing across the surface of your skin? The whole purpose of this is to continuously ask, what am I a yes to? And what am I a yes to next? And then really ask, when am I done?

[00:09:06] Is it okay for you to let yourself be done? Try to notice when your body feels done and kind of complete with the whole exercise. And really this only needs to be, you know, 15 to 30 minutes, but I find this is a really game changing practice. And if you. If you have a hard time communicating with your partner around it, if you feel really self conscious asking for this, if you feel like it's too hard to ask them to play with you around this, then we really need to examine what's happening there for you, right?

[00:09:41] And what's happening for your communication in your relationship, because we want you to be in a position with any primary partner where you could do. Just like a fun sensation playtime, right, without there being any shame or anything hard about that. And if there's hard there, you need to help ease the communication and release any shame that's in your way.

[00:10:08] Because of course you're not like, it's, I mean, I can't imagine wanting to have sex in a situation where I didn't feel comfortable even playing this game with someone. Okay, so I offer this with loads of love and hope that you have a really great time. If you are someone who feels stuck in that big no, or if you're just feeling like you need a little bit more change and novelty in your.

[00:10:36] sensual experience of each other. This is a great reset. And if you need some ideas, you know feel free to reach out, but I think I, I, I think there are so many ideas that are probably in your head, or if you just like walk through your house and look for objects that you could use look for materials or oils or lotions or things that might change temperature that you could experience, really open up your imagination to think about what kinds of sensations you could invite to your body and then listen deeply to see what your body Is actually interested in experiencing and be patient enough to really hear the answer.

[00:11:22] Okay? Have fun with that game, and I will see you here next week. 

[AI generated transcript]