Skip The Frustration By Understanding Attachment Styles

Everyone has an attachment style. Knowing yours will enable you to manage relationships effectively as an adult, not just react at people. You'll feel much more able to communicate your needs, and much more in the driver's seat of your own experience in relationship, if you understand your own attachment style. 

So join me while I break down the main attachment styles. I'll explain how to manage and even avoid conflict in relationships where you have different styles. 

Get the free guide Find Your Secret Turn Ons to discover the roadmap to your best sex life at https://laurajurgens.com. You can also learn more about me and how to inquire about coaching availability.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

PS: If you are offended by some swearing, this podcast is not for you.

Transcript

[00:00:20] Hey everyone, welcome to episode 31. Today we are diving into attachment styles and how understanding yours can really So, attachment styles tend to come out in all our relationships, we'll focus today on romantic or sexual relationships, but even friendships and workplaces definitely come out.

[00:00:51] And everyone has some sort of attachment wound. We just don't get out of childhood without a little bit, and knowing yours is so important to be able to manage your relationships effectively as an adult, and not just react at people and make it their problem. Because I promise you, You have an attachment wound and if you don't know about it and kind of own your own patterns Then it's going to come out and undermine your relationships in some sort of way that you're not gonna love and that's gonna be somewhat painful it also is really helpful to know your attachment style so that you can really figure out how to get what you want and How to and sort of when to try to get what you want from someone and when to try to manage what you want for yourself and give it to yourself.

[00:01:41] So discerning that difference is one of the real benefits to understanding your own attachment style. So it is really useful in sexual and romantic relationships. Attach, understand the attachment patterns of yourself and your lover. And Let's just remember, if you're in a romantic relationship and your partner is in it with you, you both actually want connection or you wouldn't be there.

[00:02:13] I mean, except in very rare cases, which you know, as a side note, if you don't want connection, you have no business being in a relationship, right? I mean, hire a sex worker or just date casually and tell everyone that's all you're up for. Whatever. don't let it escalate. But assuming you have let it escalate into a relationship, then you at least subconsciously really want an emotional connection with someone.

[00:02:37] But 99 percent of people in relationships actually are in them because they want a, an emotional connection with another human being. Okay, so that's probably you and that's probably your partner. And just because we want them, this emotional connection, doesn't make us great at them. Right? And I mean, I will own that I wanted emotional connection, but I was horrible at it for a really long time.

[00:03:07] Wanting doesn't mean that we know how to have. So, we want connection, which means we will always run smack into our attachment wounds. And then we will play them out subconsciously until we get a handle on them. And getting a handle on them does not mean connection. fixing them. I'm, you know, it's not really that possible to fix them.

[00:03:33] We will always have this. We carry it through our life, but we can manage it. Just like, you know, you have a certain type of hair and it grows in a certain way. You are never going to be able to sort of like fix that. That is the type of hair you have. You are, what you can do is like Learn to manage it.

[00:03:52] Get hairstyles that work with your flavor, your type of hair, right? But you don't sort of get to magically grow a different style of hair out your head. So think of your attachment wound as something that we don't fix, we just manage. And one of the things we do with managing is we play it out more and more consciously.

[00:04:13] And managing means we can handle our attachment wounds better. much more consciously so that we can do two things really. One, when we own our patterns, we can tone down our trigger reactions. So note, I didn't say eliminate our trigger reactions, but tone them down. And that makes us much less likely to shame ourselves, blame our partners, or get all fraught with drama and conflict.

[00:04:41] So that's the number one. We can help tone down our trigger reactions so they become a little bit more tolerable and less overwhelming and hijacking our nervous system. Number two is we can learn how to give ourselves what we want. and how to receive what we want from other people, and how to ask for what we want from others better.

[00:05:05] And remember, it's not just about the asking, it's about really also learning to receive and let it land so that when someone is offering you that thing that you think you want, you actually get to feel, feel it and feel good to receive it. And so that will help us also feel better and calmer and more secure more often.

[00:05:25] Yay. We'd like that, right? We all want that. So here's the deal. No one is 100 percent secure all the time with everyone in their attachment. So just accept that as a reality. That includes you. That includes me. That includes your partner. That includes everyone. That includes your children. That includes people you walk by on the street, right?

[00:05:46] That includes your boss. You will have some of these. sort of wound patterns. And so we want to figure out what ours are. So sometimes we have secure attachment patterns with some people in our life. And Yet, we still typically don't have it with everyone all the time, and sometimes we even have it with people who are really close to us sometimes, but just not all the time.

[00:06:14] So the people we tend to get most triggered by, who tend to trigger our attachment wounds most often are the people who are closest to us, who we care most about our relationship with, and the people who put the wounds there in the first place. Many of, you know, well meaning, inadvertently, right, in many cases, our parents, and Your parents may have been the most wonderful parents in the world, and yet still, there's, there's just no way to avoid ever interacting with your child in a way that creates some sort of wound.

[00:06:52] Right? Humans are just very emotionally sensitive critters, and we will accumulate some sort of attachment wound, and typically the parents will always be able to push our buttons. And then some of you, like me, may have had parents who were really. problematic and put a lot of attachment wounds out there, right?

[00:07:14] So we have a little bit extra to manage a lot of times because of that. Okay, so those are the kind of people who will most commonly do it. Sometimes there's situations also that will most commonly trigger your attachment wounds and those can be like fraught situations at work where you feel like there's some sort of security at risk, right?

[00:07:33] So that can also be. Place where we tend to get a little bit extra triggered. The two most common patterns, and these are the ones we really wanted to focus on today, are avoidant attachment, which is sometimes called the island. And I love these. the island kind of imagery. And neither of these are, first of all, neither of these are bad and neither of them are worse than others.

[00:07:58] And so that's one of the reasons why I like the island imagery is because it's not shaming. So typically those of us with this style who are islands, we have experienced a lot of boundary crossing, oppressive parenting, criticism, abuse, and or neglect as kids. When we are triggered, we tend to isolate to take care of ourselves and self soothe because that was the coping mechanism that we learned was the safest, right?

[00:08:31] So we still need affection and connection like all humans, but we often need It's time and space before we can receive it, before we can receive the affection and connection from others, we need time and space to self soothe. And then we will become ready to re engage and receive connection with other people.

[00:08:53] The people who are islands are used to relying on themselves, and when they are stressed, alone time feels safer. And it avoids getting overwhelmed or feeling enmeshed or engulfed by other people and their needs. This is incredibly common and it is no better or worse than any other style. And it doesn't mean that this person doesn't want connection as much as you.

[00:09:18] So if you are the other style, That is very common assumption that the people who are islands somehow don't want connection. And that is absolutely not true. They just tend to need space to take care of themselves and self soothe before they come back into connection. Okay, so the second type is a connection.

[00:09:40] anxious attachment, which is also called the wave. So just like there's an island, right? There's a wave. And this is also I like the term because it's not as shaming, right? As anxious or avoidant or those things. But typically these folks had as children experienced some sort of either conditional love, where they really had to behave a certain way in order to be loved, or abandonment or sort of unpredictable or periodic closeness with someone else.

[00:10:15] Connection that came, was there sometimes, a lot of love, and then sometimes it wasn't. So these folks, they tend to feel really desperate for connection when they are triggered. And they may, the sort of patterns that they may play out instead of withdrawing, like the island, they may pretend to abandon, but typically more often they will cling, or fight, or chase the other person trying to get them.

[00:10:45] that level of closeness that feels soothing to them. So instead of the other person is more of a self soother, the island is a self soother, these people, the waves are trying to get soothed by others. And sometimes also the soothing that they need is a really high level and they're, they're really trying to get a level of closeness that feels enough to fill them up or alleviate the anxiety which they're feeling.

[00:11:16] And that can sometimes be actually an impossible level. of connection or closeness. So while it can seem like this person is the one kind of, quote unquote, trying to connect, and often they think they're the ones trying to connect, their pattern is actually just as disconnecting as the avoidant or island person when triggered.

[00:11:37] Because the attempts at connection are actually coming from an anxious, ungrounded, kind of childlike need and feel impossible to fulfill. to the other person, and often it backfires. They often aren't actually received as offers of true connection from the other person because they kind of get the sense, they can really feel that it's not really about connecting with them, it's about this sort of like filling this void that feels almost impossible to fill from long ago.

[00:12:13] So these are the two kind of most prominent styles, the wave and the island. There's also Really there's four. So there's also something called disordered attachment, which has elements of both of these patterns. Like people kind of go either sequentially or switch between the wave and the island style.

[00:12:35] But typically in a given relationship, we often have a dominant pattern. And our patterns can be different with different people. So for example, if you have two avoidant people in a very close relationship, it may lead to one person taking more of an anxious role and the other person taking more of the avoidant role.

[00:12:56] And the same thing can happen when you have two avoidant people in a relationship, you can have someone who has sort of like, Take in that role more extremely and the other person might wind up playing more of an anxious role. Or you can have two people who are just extremely anxious and continue to play that out and two people who are avoidant and continue to play that out in their dynamic.

[00:13:20] Finally, the last one is secure attachment, which means. We feel free to come and go in our connection. We feel secure that it's okay for us to go out and explore. We know that we're going to come back and reconnect. We don't worry about the attachment being at risk. And this is actually pretty common. And it's especially common in sort of lower stakes relationships.

[00:13:48] or at times when you are feeling particularly secure in your relationship, but at times when you are feeling very insecure, most people will tend to play out either an island or a wave pattern, okay, especially if you're really emotionally triggered. So whether they're sexual relationships, friendships, family, workplaces, whatever, you will tend to have desires for other people's behavior that is oriented around your default.

[00:14:16] attachment style. So it's important to know that we kind of create almost like a manual in our head for how other people are supposed to behave that is based on our attachment style. So for example, for me, I have more island tendencies, although I can be a little bit disordered in my attachment. So I have a little more island tendencies.

[00:14:38] And I like people to let me know that it's okay for me to take my own personal space. I think everybody should be okay with me taking my own personal space to self soothe, no questions asked, right, and celebrate me for it. It's like my manual for everybody. And that does not mean that everybody else is operating on the same manual.

[00:15:01] So we want to own our style with some compassion for ourselves to We don't have to love that we have this pattern, right? I don't always love that I tend to need to like run away and hide and self soothe when I'm really, really upset. I don't always want to have to do that. It's sometimes inconvenient. I don't hate it though, but I would hate being forced or pulled into connection.

[00:15:33] during a time when I need to disconnect to self soothe. That would definitely not work for me and it wouldn't, it would make me run away harder and it would be incredibly violating for me. So it's really important to understand that you can have a manual based on your particular flavor of attachment wound and how you like to soothe yourself or get soothed by others, but that doesn't mean that anybody else is going to operate that way, and it also doesn't mean that they should, and it definitely doesn't mean that you can force them to do that.

[00:16:08] It just doesn't work. It will typically backfire horribly. Okay, so it's not ever helpful to accuse your partner of being one particular way and decide that way is more problematic than yours. It's not at all true, frankly, that either one is more problematic. So please avoid pathologizing yourself or your lovers.

[00:16:31] This is just normal human patterns and differences. And it is okay. Any sort of anxious or wave type person and island type person dynamics, a lot of times those can be managed really effectively. And in fact, in my primary partnership, we do that really well now. We didn't always. And I work with people all the time to do it better and more effectively.

[00:17:00] So what we can do with this knowledge is use it to recognize our wounds and our desires And where our desires for different behaviors from our partners are coming from, right, to allow ourselves to not make either of us wrong, right, or think that somehow they're doing something to make us feel bad on purpose, instead we can begin to negotiate how we lessen the impacts of each other's actions.

[00:17:33] each other's tendencies to trigger us and how we lower the level of our triggers when they do happen. So if you take responsibility for your pattern and what you really want when you're upset, so typically it's either to feel free to self soothe or to feel reassured and close, those are kind of the two big ones, then you can find honest ways to ask for help there from your partners.

[00:18:00] So, for example, I mentioned I'm an island partnered with a wave. So now I, we know these things. We had to practice, right? And really communicate clearly and kindly about how to get to where we're pretty good with each other's patterns now. It was really important for me to articulate that my need for alone time wasn't about not wanting him.

[00:18:26] It was about what I needed for me and to let him know that I I would come back and be much more available for connection when I was allowed to withdraw. And that chasing me would definitely make things worse and make me run away harder and faster, more resentfully. So I even asked for him to reassure me that it was okay with him for me to go because we had this pattern where he would like sulk about it and it like Felt really like this heavy emotional strings and made me feel really disconnected and resentful So once we figured out that these were our patterns and I could say actually this is what I need and I this is what?

[00:19:14] It means it's not It doesn't mean that I don't want you, but I also need reassurance that it's okay with you. I need to hear you and see your eyeballs, like really be honest with me that it's okay that I leave. And that felt so good to me. So he learned to let me go and wish me well sincerely. And that took some effort and practice.

[00:19:38] We had to do it a few times and have me come back, right, and reconnect in order to kind of prove to his nervous system that that was going to happen. And on my end, I really had to realize that I needed to take the time and effort to really reassure him and offer connection, say, Hey, this is definitely not about you.

[00:20:01] I just need this time for me. I'm going to have to pull away. And also really make sure that I reconnect intentionally when I come back and that he can see the light in my eyes, that I'm happy to see him, that I'm very excited to be back, or even just that I'm ready to have a deep conversation about whatever our rift was, right?

[00:20:23] But that I'm ready to re engage. And we talked about the kind of reassurance he needed, and I learned to offer that, right? This is how you can manage that type of dynamic, and I work with couples on doing that effectively and well and through play and practice and stuff all the time. So remember also that it's not just your job to communicate well, but it's also our job to allow the support and reassurance from our partners to actually reassure us.

[00:20:59] We have to receive it. We have to nurture the feeling of reassurance, allow ourselves to receive that, allow ourselves if they're offering freedom to go take care of ourselves, allow ourselves to really see that they're doing that and take it and say, okay, I am free. I'm not going to. I'm going to let myself be free to self soothe, and then it feels so much easier I feel, what happens for me is I feel overwhelmed with gratitude that I was given this space.

[00:21:30] I feel so loved that somebody was able to trust me to take the time I needed and come back and it feels really connecting for me to be given that space. So then I come back with all this love and gratitude and ready for connection. Right? And if you're more of a wave, know that if you have a partner who's an island, you may get that benefit by giving them that space of really getting all the juicy connection that you want because that feels like love to them.

[00:22:01] Right? And I also learned that what feels like love to my partner, what feels like love to a wave, is to really be intentional about reassurance, about my desire for them, my desire for connection, to really be present, to really like, what is it that I can do, how, what do you need, how can I tell you this in a way that's going to feel good, right?

[00:22:25] But then it's all of our jobs to receive what our partner is offering. So your exercise invitation this week is to identify which style you are, which chances are you have identified already like in a snap, but really also I want you to think about what kind of support and reassurances from a partner would feel good to you.

[00:22:49] Write down the best thing someone could say when you are feeling upset in the relationship in a way that triggers your attachment response. If I were your partner, what could I say that would feel the most wonderful and is just the exact thing you would need to hear, right? What could I offer you? What do you, what could I give you in that moment?

[00:23:16] Okay, so that's your exercise today. Actually write it down. Brainstorm it. Really figure it out. This is how we do relationships well, is by identifying what we really need and helping someone else understand that, right? That's actually what a lot of last week's session was about that you heard in the podcast where we were talking about what are the needs here and how could we ask for them.

[00:23:41] Right. And Kris did a great job there, didn't she? So, alrighty, my friends, go forth and normalize your attachment wounds. We all have them. And let us all take good care of ourselves and each other this week. Alright, I'll see you here next week.