Why don't they just know?

What can you do when you really want your partner to know what you want and they just don’t. You keep waiting and they keep not knowing and not doing it. You are disappointed, frustrated, or heartbroken (or all three). This is a recipe for disaster if you stay on the disempowering side of this. Take a listen and learn how to get out of this stuck place and move forward. 

Get the free guide Find Your Secret Turn Ons to discover the roadmap to your best sex life at https://laurajurgens.com. You can also learn more about me and how to inquire about coaching availability.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

PS: If you are offended by some swearing, this podcast is not for you.

Transcript

[00:00:19]  Hey everyone, welcome to episode 33. So today we're talking about what to do when you really want your partner to know what you want and they don't. So it's this question of, like, why don't they just know? Many of us have it. Almost all of us have it in some way, shape, or form.

[00:00:45] And so we're going to dig into this. And we kind of wonder, right, why do they just not get it? And we keep waiting, and they keep not knowing. Right? And this is super common, and we want them to know, but we also sometimes don't want to tell them. We don't want to tell them what it is that we want. Maybe we don't even want to be responsible for knowing what we want.

[00:01:07] We want our partner to figure it out. Regardless. Regardless. Of whether you know what you want or don't know what you want, but you're waiting for somebody else to understand it and figure it out. This is a recipe for disaster in relationships and sexuality because it's just a really disempowering place to be.

[00:01:27] So today you are going to get a little bit of very loving, tough love from me around this. I promise it is all here to help you. So, here's the deal. Our inner child, everyone has one, our inner child wants everyone to read our minds, right? I mean, when we're babies. We are born into a world where we can't really express what we need, we just scream about it, and if we're lucky we have adults around who will come take care of our needs and sort of guess until they figure it out.

[00:02:04] And that is normal for infants, right? And we kind of carry these little people, these little vulnerable babies, um, That are us. We carry our little vulnerable inner child with us throughout our whole life. In fact, we kind of carry every single age we've ever been. Right? There's a part of me, right now as I talk to you, who's 5.

[00:02:30] There's a part of me who's 7. There's a part of me who's 11. Right? That part may be having like social anxiety about whether you're going to like me or not, right? So we all carry these vulnerable little inner children. So it's okay to have a part of you that really wants people to read your mind and give you exactly what you want.

[00:02:54] All right. And there's a part of our partners. That wants that too. This is the part, this vulnerable inner child is the part that wants our partners to just know what we want without us having to say it. So while that is normal, it's also just not gonna happen. So people don't read our minds. Every now and then we get lucky and someone magically stumbles upon that thing that we like.

[00:03:25] Maybe they only ever do it once. We wish they would do it all the time. But maybe they don't know that, right? Maybe they magically stumble upon it again. Maybe we've even given them some positive feedback so they learn or maybe they notice that it really lit us up and they do it over and over again.

[00:03:42] Great. Luck was on our side in that time, but most of the time people are not going to be able to just stumble upon what we need. And part of the reason is that Everyone has a different set of life experiences and that leads us, and sort of different wiring, right? And that leaves us all with different desires and different interpretations of things.

[00:04:08] So what feels like obvious to you, well of course everyone would want this. Everyone would know because everyone feels the way I feel inside. That's just not true. Not everyone does feel. In fact, no one feels the way you feel inside. You are unique, and that is okay. There are things that are relatable, and there will be people you run into in your life who do get that one specific thing, right?

[00:04:34] That you want flowers every week, right? Or that you love to be told that you're wanted. Or that you like to be sort of silly flirted with, right? Some people will get it. And that's great, but you're not necessarily dating or in a relationship with one of those people. And if you wait to be, your dating pool is going to be very, very, very small.

[00:04:59] And maybe you don't like any of their other qualities. They just happen to get that one thing about you. So most people are not going to magically stumble upon the thing that makes you happy. They're also not going to magically know what it is. And Chances are, what does it for you isn't what does it for them.

[00:05:18] So they may be barking up a totally different tree, right? And this is where sometimes people use, you know, that like love languages book and, and that whole idea to try to see if they can get on the same page with a partner or to try to understand why a partner might not get them, quote unquote, or might have a different love language, right?

[00:05:39] And I think there's value in that, but it also goes a lot deeper and we can take this a lot deeper than just thinking, okay, well, touch is my love language and my partner's love language is acts of service. And so like, what do we do with that? Right? That's a helpful and I think really useful to know. And if you don't know about the love languages, we can talk about it some other time, or you can go Google it, but.

[00:06:05] But the idea is we want to get actually as specific as possible because people are not going to read our minds. So we can either live in the land of being constantly bummed about that, disappointed, resentful, why doesn't he or she or they know, right? Or we can release the fantasy. And that's a little bit hard, but.

[00:06:32] It doesn t mean we have to throw our inner child under the bus, right? What we need to do is just take responsibility to soothe our own inner child. Oh, it s okay that I want this, but Actually, it's not really realistic, right? We can soothe our own inner child and let our partner know what specifically we actually want for them.

[00:06:55] So there's a couple problems here that we run into when we think about doing this and living in the land of reality where we have to ask for what we want. A lot of us actually don't want to take responsibility. to ask for what we want because at the core of it, we are ashamed of our desires. So it's really important to be onto ourselves about this if that's the situation.

[00:07:18] And this was me for a long time. So no shade on anyone for being ashamed of your own desires, right? We can be, I mean, we are capable as humans of being ashamed of literally everything. You can be ashamed that you are too tall or too short. You can be ashamed of like literally everything. Any flavor of anything about humans, we have found a way to be ashamed about.

[00:07:45] So you could just be ashamed of even having desires or having needs. Trust me, I have been there. So of course that becomes a problem when we want someone to magically know what we want So we don't have to ask because we're ashamed of even owning that we have wants in the first place. But let's just notice that's really unfair to the other person, right?

[00:08:11] So we need to do the work to de shame our own desires and to allow ourselves to have wants and desires. And if you need help, you know, that's what I'm here for. Reach out. I do this all the time and I absolutely love doing it. We will celebrate the shit out of your desires together. We will find them. We will celebrate them.

[00:08:30] We will de shame them. But please, whatever you do, don't make your own shame into an excuse to expect someone else to read your mind. That's what It becomes a really big problem in relationships. So maybe that's, and maybe that's not it, right? Maybe that's not it for you. Maybe you just have shame about asking for anything.

[00:08:52] That is also really common. And you may. own what you want, but you just don't, you just feel ashamed about asking, right? And here's my tough love again. It comes from absolute love for you. And it is like, yeah, we got to get over that shit too, right? Your partner deserves to know what lights you up and what they can do, right?

[00:09:17] Your partner deserves to know what. They could do to make you feel good and yummy, right? So it's not just okay to ask for what you want, it's really important to ask for what you want. And it's a gift to your partner to be specific. And guess what? You are much, much more likely to get it if you ask for it.

[00:09:42] Okay, so I also have a bunch of clients who come in with this thing that is really pervasive in our culture, which is this idea that, quote unquote, if I have to ask, it doesn't count. Like, all right, I mean, come on. We are not babies anymore. We are adult humans. No one else has our exact set of wants and preferences.

[00:10:13] So no one else knows exactly what we want without us telling them. So yes, if you have to ask, it still counts, and it's our job to make sure we let it count even if we have to ask. Because of course we have to ask. Yes, you want flowers for your birthday? Ask. In fact, we can let it feel even better that our partner did the thing we asked for.

[00:10:37] Because we get a twofer. We get, they did the thing we wanted, right? They gave me flowers. And also, they listened to what I wanted and cared enough to do it when it wasn't something that occurred to them naturally. They're not a person who ever thinks about, you know, texting three times a day but that's what I want, right?

[00:10:58] I need to ask for that. They're not a person who thinks about sending, you know, I don't know, little dirty videos when we're traveling or like whatever it is that is what feels like you really want and haven't been asking for. But when they do it, after we asked, we get to feel even better because they actually responded to a request that was outside of their norm.

[00:11:28] That's some. That's, they like stepped up to do something that they wouldn't have even, wouldn't have even occurred to them, that's, that's even better than them doing it spontaneously. And if you let it be better, it will feel good. If you tell yourself, it doesn't count because I had to ask, it will feel like shit.

[00:11:48] So you get to choose your own adventure there. You can choose the one that feels like turds, or you can choose the one that feels wonderful, right? But don't tell yourself a crappy story, like, if I have to ask it doesn't count. And then, Make it all out like it's somebody else's problem. Okay, this is my, I told you I was going to be tough love.

[00:12:07] But I know about all this because people do it constantly and we've all kind of been through it at some point. It's really common in teenager land, right? We've all been there. Including me. And at some point, We need to look at this in the eye and decide how we want to proceed. Do we want to grow up and be in an adult relationship where we have to communicate as adults and we can understand that other people don't read our mind or do we want to stay in that sort of preteen inner child dynamic.

[00:12:43] Okay, so one of these, this is a thought exercise that can really help shift this. It's a really simple one for folks who think it's a problem to ask for what you want, that it means it doesn't count. I offer this to you. So imagine, I want you to really imagine into this, you're a partner, you're dating someone, doesn't matter if you're single or not, just imagine you're dating someone, you're in a relationship with someone, And they have a desire, there is something they really want from you, but they think if they tell you what it is, it doesn't count.

[00:13:17] So they go around feeling sad and frustrated that you haven't figured it out. and eventually they resent you for not figuring it out. How does it feel when the shoe is on that other foot, right? Not very fair, right? It's not very fair. So now imagine, here's another scenario, this partner, they ask for the thing they really want, whatever it is, by yelling at you about the fact you haven't given it when you didn't even know about it or understand that's what they wanted.

[00:13:48] This one's also really common, right? We build up all this anger and resentment and frustration that our partner hasn't read our minds or hasn't magically given us the thing we need or figured out what we wanted when we don't even know in the first place and it comes out in this. burst of Emotion and anger and charge and then we get upset that they don't give it to us after that consistently Well, let me tell you Imagine that was you imagine your partner blew up at you for this thing that you haven't you didn't even know they wanted doesn't feel very fair, right?

[00:14:25] And also, does it make you want to do it? Probably not. It probably actually makes you feel like, well, fuck you. I'm not going to do that. Now I feel like you just yelled at me for it. I just, like, have no desire. Just feels like I'm on the hook. You know, it just feels icky. Plus, that's if they even hear what it is that you actually want.

[00:14:45] Because probably not. Chances are it's going to register just as you being there. All they're registering when you're yelling at them or when you're being huffy or like just like pissy or something. It doesn't even have to be yelling. Anything, when you come at somebody with frustration, all they're going to register is that you were frustrated.

[00:15:04] They are really, whatever it is that you're asking for is not going to sink in very well because we have an emotional response to somebody being mad at us and it's just as going to They're going to be so focused on you being mad and their response to being Felt like you were mad at them that they can't actually take in new information about what you're requesting.

[00:15:25] Okay, so That's where we come in to the last option. Let's try a different approach Right. Imagine this partner instead Of running around being resentful and not talking to you about it or yelling at you about it Yeah sets a time to talk and explains that for them, this thing they want just makes them feel really good in some way.

[00:15:50] They are specific. They tell you exactly what to do or say that feels great to them. Right? I want, you know, I want more than a peck on the cheek when you leave for work. I really want you to look into my eyes and, you know, wrap your arms around me and say, I'm going to miss you today, babe. Okay. Maybe that's what you want, that's fine, right?

[00:16:16] You get to hear them say, this is what I need, this is what I want. They tell you exactly what to do or say that feels great to them. They might even let you practice, like, well, like this, do you like it like this or is that right? Now you get to decide if it's something you want to do. And how often? Right?

[00:16:38] At least you know now. And maybe it sounds great to you. Maybe this is easy. Maybe you would love to leave for work that way. And you'd love to give that to them. It just didn't occur to you. Wonderful. Maybe not. Maybe it sounds awful, and you hate that idea, and you're just like super stressed before you've gotten your, I don't know, you know, murder podcast on the way to work with your dog.

[00:17:01] 20 million ounce cup of coffee or something and you don't have capacity to do that for somebody in the morning. Maybe it sounds horrible and you want to then have a conversation with them to see whether there are alternatives that would be more within your capacity that would work for them. You know, hey babe, I actually don't feel like I can do that when I leave for work, but how about when I get back?

[00:17:25] Because you know, this is kind of where my head space is at in the morning, but when I get home, I would absolutely be down for that. Would that, would that work for you? See now you can have a conversation about getting your needs met and them getting their needs met right within your capacity. Or if you just want to say no, maybe this just isn't a thing.

[00:17:45] Maybe they're asking for something, you know, hey I really want to get pegged by you and you're saying actually, you know, butt sex just scares the crap out of me and I'm just not ready for it and I just need to say no. That's okay too. You get to mutually decide how to deal with the situation, process some disappointment maybe on their side, you know, hold their hand through it, say, I still love you, whatever it is that you want to do, or maybe, you know, you split up, but it's better to know, get everything out in the open rather than sort of stewing in this frustration, resentment about, whether you're ever going to get this need met, or whether, whatever is going on, right?

[00:18:27] And at least they're not being all inexplicably mad and weird and you're wondering what the fuck is going on because they're not telling you about this desire. So, I recommend trying option three, setting aside a time to talk, preparing by knowing exactly what you want to ask for, that, and I mean being specific.

[00:18:47] You need to have examples. You need to have an exact method of how they can do it, right? Not just, I want. you know, more attention. Like what does that mean? What does attention mean to you? How would that look? Right? What, what could I do that would feel like attention to you? You need to be really specific.

[00:19:09] Sit down with them, make a time, and explain that this would feel really good to you without blaming them for not magically already knowing this. Right? So, asking clearly Right? Being specific. You want, you know, eye gaze flirting. You want oral sex with three fingers instead of two. Uh, you want dirty texts.

[00:19:33] You want date nights once a month. You, whatever it is that you want, right? You want the person to invite you to hang out with their friends every Friday night when they do pizza and bowling, whatever it is. Get really clear on your own desires and own them. De shame yourself around having them, right? Or get help if you need to.

[00:19:57] Ask for what you want when you feel calm and can ask from a place of feeling love for both of you. Loving yourself, like you're You know, you're knowing that your desires are valid and okay and loving to the other person and curious and open to their level of interest in that activity. All right, my dears, so your exercise for this that will really help and bring it home is to make a list.

[00:20:28] Something, identify something that you want in this, and I'm, I'm like, I'm going to suggest you start really, really small because if you're not used to doing this, you need to start really small. It's very hard if you're not used to asking for what you want. And I get you. It is hard. I titrate it in, right?

[00:20:48] Take little baby steps. Don't ask for the biggest, deepest desire right away if you're scared of that. So what is one small thing you could ask for today that you have been avoiding asking for? Is it help planning meals for the week? You know, it could be something really simple. It could be like, I would just really like you to pick out that restaurant the next time we go on a date night because I don't want to do it.

[00:21:15] I'm tired of making decisions. I do it all day at work or whatever, right? So. Could you do this for me? This would feel really good and loving to me. It can be super duper small. Just pick something you want to ask for and then take it for a spin and actually ask. Write down a bunch of your desires that you haven't asked for and just pick one on the list that feels accessible and try that out.

[00:21:41] Okay, that is your homework. Have fun with it and, you know, as always, holler at me if you need some support. Okay? Alright, see you here next week. 

Hey, if you're curious about how you could have better sex and connections, go grab my free guide, Find Your Secret Turn Ons. It's right on my website, www.laurajurgens.com, and the link is in the show notes. I'll see you here next time.