What we did in sessions this week

Ever want to know what actually happens in coaching sessions? This episode is story time. I’m going to give you a peek inside my office at what we did in several different sessions this week. Through these little stories, you will get a flavor of the kinds of activities we do in my particular coaching practice, and get a sense of the kinds of help available to you as an individual or a couple who wants to have a better love life. Take a listen and discover how progress and solving problems can actually be fun!

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Transcript

[00:00:20] Hey, everyone. Welcome to episode 34. So today is like story hour. I'm going to give you stories that give you a peek inside what we did in sessions this week. And my goal for with this is to just better understand what types of play and What types of exercises are available to help people have better love lives so that if you ever want that for yourself, you have some information of the, just the kinds of things that you would be doing with a coach.

[00:01:00] And, you know, I had that episode on sexological body work, and I want to also clarify coaching as a modality versus some other things like therapy. And we'll also get into some other modalities down the road. I'm going to bring on a pelvic floor therapist, physical therapist, and some other types of helpers so that you just understand the landscape of what's available to you when you want to reach out for help with something.

[00:01:29] And, gosh, so, the other thing I guess I just want to say about that is Definitely, my perspective is, if you can, do it proactively, like, don't wait until you're in an emergency because it is a lot harder to help couples, especially who have gotten to, like, the, the depths of resentment. And we can still, we can still do it.

[00:01:57] We can still clean that out, clear things up, help you communicate better and figure out what it is that you really want. You know, thinking proactively and doing fun stuff to really increase your connection now even if you don't have that problem, or to increase your connection with yourself so that you're feeling better about dating and relationships if you want them, is also available.

[00:02:22] So just keep that in mind. And, you know, today up first I'm going to share Number, session number one, I think there's about seven little stories I'm going to tell you. So session number one, negotiating the first ever BDSM style kinky role play. So I. I worked with a wonderful couple this week to help them figure out what kinds of roles fit their core desires.

[00:02:48] We had done that previously, right? We'd figured out their core desires. And those are the kinds of ways they want to feel emotionally during sexy times. What arouses them psychologically, right? If you want to know any more about that, go back to that episode on psychological arousal. But we had done that.

[00:03:06] And we had also spend some time finding characters that they really wanted to play to stoke those feelings with each other and how those might fit together with the partners. So then what we did in session this week was I taught them how to negotiate and set up their first BDSM scene. And this one will inevitably be awkward, right?

[00:03:29] So we'll troubleshoot that together next time so that they can continue to build confidence. But You know, this is really about helping them learn how to fit their desires together in playful ways with consent and safety, emotional safety, boundaries, aftercare, all of those things. So helping them know how to sort all that stuff out and how to talk about it in advance so that they feel more free to just play with it and do it.

[00:04:00] Right? And this was super fun because in context, this is part of helping two people who came with a lot of mismatched desire and resentment and have now really released a lot of that resentment are communicating super well, enjoying each other again, and then helping them find ways to do fun, playtime, sexy stuff like this is the next step.

[00:04:23] So that was great. All right. All right. Number two. I have a few clients I'm working with who haven't yet had an orgasm and they aren't sure exactly what they like, the, all three of them actually aren't sure exactly what they like or how to relax enough to get out of their heads to get there. So this client that I'm describing this, this time in this story, we are playing with different approaches to discover what turns her on, what she likes, and help her learn to actually notice what her body enjoys.

[00:04:56] And we can do that with really simple exercises that just involve things like touching on the arm or the neck, right? And this week we did a discovery game with touches on the arm and the neck and the thigh, exploring how to notice what we like, how to listen to our body, and then how to actually say it, how it also might feel to stop worrying about whether the other person is enjoying our touch and actually enjoy the sensation of touching someone else.

[00:05:28] And we practiced with how to notice what our body is saying about pacing, about how slow or fast it enjoys things, and actually give that information to our partner. So that was really fun. Number three, with another client who's been doing such great work, decreasing his anxiety in his relationship, But learning to feel more secure and more grounded.

[00:05:52] We started in on attunement, is such an important skill, right? In relationships. So fundamental. And most of us never get taught how to do this. So I led him through how to attune to himself first. And then another person, in this case me, right, step by step, and we practiced several times so that he felt comfortable with it.

[00:06:14] And this is not really intuitive for most people in our modern society, but with guidance, it is actually super natural. And he did such a great job. And we talked about how there was just No way he would have been able to do that a couple of months ago because he was so anxious and dissociated. This was really a big celebration that he's gotten to this place now where he's able to learn the skill for connection.

[00:06:40] And now he gets to go home and attune to his wife and his friends and family and people in his community, which is going to feel amazing to them and to him and get him way more of the connection that he desires. For All right, number five, I worked with another couple where one partner really wants to be a bottom and surrender completely, but the other partner is scared to be mean or aggressive.

[00:07:07] And they think that topping or quote unquote dominance means you have to be mean. aggressive, right? And she feels like she doesn't know how to top. And if she's thinking it means she has to be aggressive, she's right. She doesn't know how to top, right? So we debunked all of those myths we talked about.

[00:07:25] what soft topping is and sort of service, dom, energy, then that regardless of how you do it, it doesn't have to be, it isn't meant to be mean necessarily, unless that's what somebody's asking for, right? And it's actually a relief for the other person that you're offering to just take the lead so they don't have to.

[00:07:47] This like, I just, I got you kind of energy, right? And then we did a bunch of practice so they got to experience the dominant energy from me first, which is so important to just experience how that feels and then how to bring that up for themselves. Practice with that energy, finding that. that place in us, and using it to do fun top, soft top stuff, like putting your partner, you know, throwing your partner against the wall in a super sexy and safe way.

[00:08:20] And we practiced that a bunch. So they were way more turned on than they had been in years, they told me, and it was so lovely and fun to see how they just lit up doing this, these exercises. These women are, Such a wonderful couple. They're super connected, but they just really had lost their spark and it was awesome to see the spark so big and palpable in the room.

[00:08:45] Okay, number six. Another client I had really needed support. Just feeling more confident about entering the dating arena post divorce. Especially how to talk to women about his desires, about sex, how to escalate with consent in, you know, like kissing, touching, you know, making out, like, what do I do next?

[00:09:07] How do I ask? He hadn't learned that in his generation back when he was dating, and he certainly didn't know how to keep it sexy, which most people don't. So we just did a bunch of practice. practice conversations, I explained and demonstrated how to have a consent conversation and how to keep things sexy while checking in with the other person.

[00:09:29] And then we practiced. And he did amazing. And by the end of the session, he felt really comfortable and capable about going out and doing it with people he's. meeting and dating in his online dating world. All right, so the last one I want to give you, number seven, is a client who's been really struggling to feel free in her sexuality and find her authentic erotic self and not just keep trying to please her partner, which she's been doing a lot of obligation sex for many years and it has really tanked her libido.

[00:10:02] So we did a bunch of de shaming around some fantasies and turn ons. that she had that she just hadn't really even kind of like fed or allowed to be. She was struggling so much to just try to be sexy for the other person that she didn't really know what she felt was sexy. And it was so beautiful and fun to see her actually let herself just light up and not feel bad about the fantasies anymore.

[00:10:30] And she could tell me, you know, the one session she couldn't tell me them, she didn't feel comfortable yet, which was totally fine. And then the next session she felt ready to talk about it. And we really celebrated it and helped her. really just own all that and understand where they come from, where her fantasies were coming from, claim her power in them, claim them as her right to feel yummy, right?

[00:10:56] So And those are just some examples from this week. And I offer them because so many people have similar challenges to all these clients, right? And I've had most of them myself. And it's just so hard when you're in it to see a way out. And it seems like it must be like, super painful and you're going to have to like, dig into some like, like arcane information about your childhood and like, your, you know, your The, your seventh grade soccer coach or your priest or like, whatever, and it just, it feels so hard to understand sexuality.

[00:11:33] And so I just want to paint the picture that there are absolutely ways out of being stuck, and they can actually be really frickin fun. Right? These were actually fun sessions for all of us. And Growth does not have to be a miserable slog. It can be joyful and confidence building and you can walk out of a session feeling great, empowered, amazing, and like, Oh, I got this, right?

[00:12:04] So your invitation this week, because you know, I always like to offer you an exercise because it's really about the rubber hitting the road, right? We can talk all day long. That's what I do in this podcast. And it's what a lot of people do. If they go to, you know, certain, certain types of helpers, you'll just talk, but I really want to invite you to implement.

[00:12:24] And you might notice that all these stories, there was a practice involved, right? There was play and practice, and that's what, it might feel a little bit scary at first, but that's why you do it with a guide. And then you get to walk out feeling so confident and so good about yourself because you actually figured out how to do this.

[00:12:43] It's not just theoretical anymore. So your invitation this week is to reflect on whether there were stories here that sounded particularly intriguing to you and really consider How could you take inspiration from these people, from my clients in these stories, who I promise have also been nervous and unsure, just like all of us, but are now actually having a great time while they grow.

[00:13:10] And I want to invite you to really think about and even write down the answer to this question. Where could I bring more play and fun into my love life? And see if you can brainstorm. Five things, five ways, whether you're single or you're partnered or you're poly, whatever you are, how could you bring more fun?

[00:13:35] And whether that's the love life with yourself, whether that's self pleasuring, how can you bring, how can you think of five ways to make, bring more fun into your, and more play into your experience of yourself and your body's pleasure potential, or and or with a partner. All right, so that's your little exercise challenge for the week.

[00:13:57] I hope you have a wonderful week. It is early September here. One of my clients brought me these yummy apple cider doughnuts this week. I, and he did bring me enough that I could share with my husband, so I didn't eat them all myself. And there is, I'm just like loving the seasonal stuff. So I hope whenever and wherever you're listening to this, you are having just an absolutely wonderful week and a wonderful season.

[00:14:21] I'll see you here next week. Hey, if you're curious about how you could have better sex and connections, go grab my free guide, find your secret turn on. It's right on my website, www.laurajurgens.com. And the link is in the show notes. I'll see you here next time.