Up Your Foreplay Game

This episode will help you get more creative and relaxed about foreplay. We'll cover why that’s super important for keeping the fire lit in your sex life, and what some of the blocks are to good foreplay. We're also going to dive into what's up with the foreplay deficit in America, the common problem of boring foreplay, and discuss how to overcome the worries and logistical issues that can keep us from getting more exploratory and creative. 

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Welcome to Sex Help for Smart People. I'm your host, Dr. Laura Jurgens, former science professor turned somatic sexologist and intimacy coach. This podcast is all about helping smart women over 40 and their partners of all genders get the evidence based relationship and intimacy support you need for great sex and connections.

[00:00:19] I'm glad you're here, so let's get at it. Hey, everyone. Welcome to episode 36. I am so glad you're here. Today, I am inviting you on the foreplay train. Yay! The foreplay train, woot woot! So we are going to talk for all genders and sexualities about how to get more creative and relaxed about foreplay, why that's super important for keeping the fire lit in your sex life, and what some of the blocks are to good foreplay.

[00:00:52] Here we go. We're also going to just touch on the overall kind of foreplay deficit in America, especially for hetero couples, and why that exists, like what's up with that? And of course, what you can do about it. So we'll start with it. the problem of either too brief or just boring foreplay and the foreplay gap issue for hetero couples.

[00:01:16] We'll get into some of the worries and logistics that can keep us from more exploratory creative foreplay, and I'll come up I'll help you come up with some new ideas and send you off with an exercise as always. All right. So there are loads of statistics, mostly from, you know, somewhat questionable studies, because frankly, it's super hard to control for anything in any studies of human perception and sexuality where people are reporting, self reporting things, right?

[00:01:48] But in general, the trends are that Americans are not it's Getting nearly enough foreplay, especially American women and women, cis women and trans women in most of the sort of emerging research. We're seeing that pattern as well, that it's general to all women. particularly need more foreplay because of our arousal curve tends to start out at a less rapid pace.

[00:02:19] So we tend to need more time and more arousal over time, more foreplay, more engagement with the body and with the erotic mind to get fully aroused. Most of the studies actually show that men, cis men, also want more foreplay than they're getting too. And according, you know, one study even found men wanted roughly twice as much foreplay as they are typically getting.

[00:02:48] So what's the issue, right? What's the deal? And why are we having so little? So, you know, despite the sort of problems with the statistics, the In general, the studies kind of break down into averages of about 5 to 15 minutes is average amount of foreplay for heterosexual American couples. And women typically need 30 to 45 minutes minimum to be fully aroused.

[00:03:17] So we can see we have a problem here, right? Women are just not getting anywhere near full arousal. And this generally is showing up mostly in, and all these studies were for heterosexual encounters and partnerships. And we know that Suffolk or lesbian sex is usually a lot longer in duration, generally, with loads more foreplay.

[00:03:43] And this is one of the reasons why we think we don't see the same on the internet. orgasm gap in lesbians that we do with hetero couples for women, where women are orgasming way less than their male partners, around 65 percent of the time versus 85 to 90 percent of the time for men or lesbians. And while men who are paired together in same sex partnerships don't necessarily have that issue, I know a lot of gay men personally, at least, who have expressed that they would like to enjoy more foreplay too and feel can generally feel kind of disconnected emotionally from partners when they just get to banging super fast.

[00:04:23] So one of the things hetero couples can learn from lesbians in particular is that A, women's pleasure matters. Women's arousal matters. matters. And if you haven't figured that out, please work on that. If you are not 100 percent on board with that, you go off work on that and come back later because my job is not to convince you that your partner's pleasure is important.

[00:04:47] That should be a given. The second thing, so B, one of the things we can learn from lesbians is that women's pleasure deserves time and build up. That is normal. So if you want to have sex with women who aren't faking, and you're a dude, you're going to have to get on board this train, the taking your time with foreplay train.

[00:05:11] And you know what? Welcome to the world. Fun times because this is a great train. It is a lovely ride. It is so fun to take our time with foreplay. It's about pleasure for everyone. And it's the best train ever. So you're going to want to be on this train. There is no rush. It's not a race, right? So let's stop acting like sex is a race.

[00:05:38] A quickie now and then is fine. If everyone likes that in the moment, that's what everyone wants. But just, you know, make it the exception, not the rule. Right? We want to treat sex like We're dining at a Michelin star restaurant, right? The best meal in the world. We don't need to shove it in our face like we're having a gas station hot dog.

[00:06:00] We want to savor. There is no hurry and we want to really slow down and take our time. And if you find some internal resistance to that, I want to invite you to ask yourself, Why am I not willing or wanting to take my time? Often underlying, there are some either assumptions that need to be debunked, usually learned through porn or from other men, which are incorrect about how sex quote unquote should go.

[00:06:32] And remember https: otter. ai is entertainment for men. That's how the vast majority of porn has been created. And there are some modern exceptions to that if you are on feminist porn sites, but just remember that porn is meant to be entertainment, not a how to manual. So, there may be some assumptions that need to be debunked, but there's also a lot of times there's some anxieties that need to be addressed if you're finding yourself resistant to taking time.

[00:07:00] It could be an anxiety about, I might finish too fast, and then I'm going to feel embarrassed or shame, and I'm not going to be able to talk to my partner about it, and she's going to think badly of me, right? There's a whole story there. That's your anxiety to own and work on. Maybe there's an anxiety that you're not sure what to do.

[00:07:18] You just don't know how to extend foreplay and you don't know what to do besides just Maybe you have sexual intercourse with your penis and vagina. Maybe there's anxiety that you're worried about losing your erection. And you haven't learned to allow erections to come and go, that that's normal and that that is a really lov that can be a normal and lovely part of play.

[00:07:41] Maybe there's underconfidence. Maybe there's some worry of rejection, right? So Please notice those things and get support in addressing them because they will make you tend to want to rush. Please do not make your anxieties a reason to rush your partner. Or deny her the time she needs for her full arousal to bloom so she gets to really fully enjoy herself and her capacity for pleasure.

[00:08:13] Because that's not fair for you to rush her because of your own anxieties. Okay, so that's my like caution to heterosexual men out there, my plea slash warning slash invitation slash please notice the way the world works kind of little come to Jesus moment. Okay. So here are some logistic things that can prevent good foreplay.

[00:08:40] We're going to move to logistics because it's not just anxieties. It's also logistics that get in our way. So number one. not knowing what it really, what foreplay really is. And so let's break it down. There's two kind of umbrella phases. I would say one is what I call just baseline sexy. You don't want to be skipping baseline sexy.

[00:09:03] This is the just, You know, flirting, touching, affection, sexy looks, snuggles, the stuff that you want to be doing all throughout the day and week. You don't have to go overboard and do it every minute of every day. But enough to keep the pilot on, the pilot light lit for you and your partner in this sort of moment.

[00:09:26] And it's really worth discovering what you like and what your partners like to keep their pilot light on and doing it at some sort of minimum baseline, right? It's not realistic to do everything on someone's list all the time. But you don't want to ignore them all week and then show up and expect you can just stick your tongue in their throat and the pants will come off, right?

[00:09:52] So if you need help with the flirting stuff, go to that Flirting 101 podcast and or, you know, reach out to me. I work with folks on this all the time. Second phase is what we typically think of as quote unquote foreplay. As an aside, you know, I know this is the word I'm going to use today and I will just frankly tell you that I hate it.

[00:10:16] I hate the word foreplay because it centers sexual intercourse or penis and vagina sex as like a main event. And this is another reason, frankly, why lesbians have more orgasms is that they don't do that. It's. Patriarchal as hell. But I'm going to use the word foreplay today because that's what everybody uses and that's what everybody knows.

[00:10:37] And in general though, I encourage you to consider if that also feels messed up to you and doesn't feel good to you, to just use the term play or even sexy play, and that's what I do in my own personal life and a lot of my coaching, especially when someone is sensitive to any sort of pressure or obligation.

[00:10:56] Okay, so what we typically think of as the quote unquote foreplay, when many people think of this, they're thinking of kissing, maybe some groping, and then they get kind of stuck. Like, what the heck else do we do? So let's take a moment and think, well, what else? What could we do? Right? What are all the fun things you can do with bodies?

[00:11:22] And I really want to invite you to have a conversation with yourself and your partners about what is great fun and sexy play for you. And what is great fun and sexy play for them? Have When I ask what couples do for foreplay, I often hear this particular story. Alright, we do some kissing on the mouth, followed by maybe some neck kissing, usually then some sort of boob groping.

[00:11:49] Often it's too hard. Some oral sex, penetration, and done. Now, imagine doing that same thing over and over again for years, and Not really talking about it, which is what most people do. Somebody's gonna get bored if not both of you. And I cannot tell you the number of couples who've never talked about it, but it turns out one of them are already in love.

[00:12:15] really bored or cannot stand that sequence, something about it they absolutely hate. They are tolerating it. It is not helping them feel good or sexy or want sex. And in fact, this is a leading cause of low libido. And no wonder. You're getting shitty foreplay that doesn't work for you. You haven't ever unpacked it.

[00:12:37] You haven't talked to your partner about it. They don't know, or if you have, they, they sort of haven't changed it, or you haven't figured out together what else to do, right? And so you just feel sort of stuck with this just stuff that's like not arousing you. It's not fitting your own particular erotic makeup.

[00:12:56] It's not. building what it's supposed to be, you know, building for you. So people think there's something wrong with them, but a lot of times it's just something's wrong with your foreplay, right? So I hear all the time, I don't know what to do, but often it's from a person who has never asked their partner.

[00:13:16] What they like. And sometimes even if they do ask the partner, the other person says, I don't know what I like either. So here's where I am going to throw the ball back at your court, into your court, and say, come on people. You are a creative being. You have a body. Both you and your partner. Creative beings with bodies.

[00:13:36] What could you try and see if you like it? If we could take away, there is no, the words I do not know are not allowed anymore, right? Yes, try it out, figure it out, right? I want to invite you to approach this like a child. Play with it. If you approached play with the I don't know what to do as a kid, you would have died of boredom when you were seven.

[00:14:05] So you didn't do that then, don't do it now. Get curious, get creative, test stuff out, experiment, see what's fun. Make up games, make up worlds. The whole idea is to play with your bodies in ways that you each find pleasurable or get to just discover that they might be pleasurable. And that's it. That's the entire point.

[00:14:29] So let it take time because it's fun and be patient. And everyone gets to then really just sink into their own body's experience and be in their pleasure. Some people will have specific orders of things that they discover they like. Some people will notice that they actually just really like, their body loves to be surprised by different types of sensations or touches or different scenes, right?

[00:14:54] And on different days, you may have different preferences. That's okay. Not everyone loves kissing. I've had so many people admit to me as if it's like this deep dark shame that they don't really enjoy kissing that much. It's okay. You don't have to love kissing that much. You might discover if you let yourself off the hook and stop feeling ashamed about not loving kissing, if you tried some other stuff, that you might like occasional kissing, or you like kissing in certain contexts, or you like certain types of kissing, or maybe you'll just discover you just don't like kissing at all.

[00:15:28] That's okay. There's plenty of other things to do. So just open your minds and really allow your partner to also have preferences. They don't have to love everything that you love. That's okay. You can figure out how to do some of the stuff you love anyway. Right? You can negotiate those things. So if your partner, for example, doesn't like kissing, well, how about running your fingers through her hair or blowing on her neck?

[00:15:58] How about putting your thigh up against her crotch and having some nice grinding? How about rolling around on the floor like puppies and wrestling? How about nibbles and growls? How about having your partner close their eyes and you touch them in surprise ways? How about trying out commands? Like, go into the bedroom, take off your clothes, and wait for me on the bed.

[00:16:22] Or, you know, bend over that counter. Make sure, if you're doing that stuff, that you, any sort of power play or impact play, of course, that you've agreed in advance. But those are just some different ways of approaching, you know, you don't have to just do the kissing, groping, a little bit of oral sex and penetration.

[00:16:40] Like, little roundabout rigmarole over and over again for years, right? Let's get out of, get out of the rote and we want to play. So try sensation play. Temperature, objects, play with sense. All kinds of any sort of sensation can be part of foreplay. You can try rolls. You can try mapping each other's bodies with featherlight touches to see what feels delicious or what just feels tickly, right?

[00:17:08] You won't know what feels amazing until you try A lot of things to figure out what's on your yes please menu and what's on your not, not right now or no thanks menu. The point is just to get creative, take your time and have a lot of communication. And in fact, those are the two things missing from most people's foreplay.

[00:17:31] The first is taking time. And the second is exploration with good communication, and that means honest feedback, right? We need honest feedback in order to find what happens to turn us on, what happens to turn our partner on. But if we're too focused on having to be the perfect lover intuitively without ever talking about it, and that's the only thing that's going to make us feel validated, right?

[00:17:59] So we, we just like can't emotionally deal with our, if our partner, she or he doesn't happen to like the thing we tried, right? If we're so focused on us having to be perfect, intuitively, in order to self validate, our partner will never feel comfortable giving us honest feedback. And you'll be back in the land where they're just going to tolerate stuff.

[00:18:21] And that is a first class ticket to zero libido. So please consider opening up your willingness to allow your partner to have preferences to, to open up to discovering and celebrating when your partner finds something they like as well as when they find something they aren't into. That's actually really great feedback too.

[00:18:44] That's, that's awesome. Awesome. You have to know what's off the menu to find what you, what is the most delicious menu possible, right? So, Please hear this one for sure. It is so important to be honest with each other about what you like and what you aren't into. That's the only way exploration actually works.

[00:19:01] And I think it's one of the main reasons I see so many couples who've never actually talked about what they like, because they are scared of how the other person will react to them having preferences. which is such a bummer. We get focused on this need to like protect our partners from the reality that we have preferences.

[00:19:23] We don't need to do that. We just need to be kind about our preferences. Right? So for example, I absolutely hate having the inside of my ears licked. Like, oh my god, hate it. So I can tell someone that I can tell my partner that without being mean about it and offer something I do like. for him to do instead, or for another partner for her to do instead, right?

[00:19:48] Hey, just so you know, I do not like having tongue inside my ears, but I really like the back of my neck kissed, right? That's fine. I don't have to wait for them to do it and then get the heebie jeebies and get all like, Oh, I'll never do that again. That's awful and gross, blah, right? So we're allowed to have preferences.

[00:20:06] We can just state them simply, not make it a personal thing. Totally fine. All right. So, these two missing things, time and exploration with honest feedback, these are missing for a lot of people for one or more of these three reasons, either emotional reasons like anxiety and people pleasing, socialization reasons like male entitlement to quick gratification, Everybody's lack of good sex education or logistical reasons like we're not taking time to prioritize sex or maybe we're just in a crazy busy season of life like we have newborn twins or something.

[00:20:43] So I want to invite you to reflect on those things and see where you could have more play. And if you want. Better sex and a much more active sex life where everyone's fully pleasured. Come get on this like glorious foreplay train and really take your time and explore. Go back and listen to the ideas I offered and see which ones you might want to try with yourself or your partner.

[00:21:07] And your exercise is just the invitation to start with you. So next time you self pleasure, give yourself really great foreplay. Allow yourself to take time. Set aside 45 minutes, seriously. Seduce yourself, touch yourself, use oils like candles, try sensation play, whatever feels good. And see if you can really let yourself have that slow build up.

[00:21:31] And see what comes up for you. All right. Enjoy my friends, and I will see you back here soon. Hey, if you're curious about how you could have better sex and connections, go grab my free guide, Find Your Secret Turn Ons. It's right on my website, www.laurajurgens.com, and the link is in the show notes. I'll see you here next time.