Special Episode: Finding Calm & Helping Others When Disaster Strikes

This is a special episode, recorded at my home in Asheville, North Carolina, USA in the aftermath of massive devastation from Hurricane Helene. It is for all people dealing with difficult times. In it, I walk you through a calming exercise to help de-escalate anxiety, overwhelm, stress and other challenging, activating emotions. I also talk about how you can help other people through co-regulation. 

Note that there is no explicit content here and it is suitable for anyone. 

Way to help Western North Carolina flood victims directly: 

https://www.BelovedAsheville.com is a well-established local organization that is doing amazing work on the ground and needs support. Venmo link on their website. 

https://www.mannafoodbank.org/ is a long-established local food bank providing food despite having lost their entire warehouse in the flood -- the people and volunteers rallied and have risen to the challenge. 

https://cerfplus.org/ is offering grants to craftspeople and artists who lost everything in the floods. 

Get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Welcome to a special episode of this podcast. This is for all people, in all kinds of relationships, with yourself, with your world, with each other. And it's coming to you from a major disaster zone, Asheville, North Carolina, that just got hit by Hurricane Helene and a storm that happened right before it, that caused massive devastation.

[00:00:25] So today I am bringing you a special podcast that is about grounding ourselves and holding some space for our emotional experience and also de-escalating anxiety, to the extent that we can, and how we can do that in ways that help us co-regulate with each other. So , okay, friends, so I do not have notes today.

[00:00:51] I am not organized. I am just here. I am back, thankfully, in my own little podcast closet. We have power and we even got internet today at my house. We do not have running water and we probably won't for several weeks. My community is just absolutely devastated and it is a, it's a hard time. It's a hard time for a lot of people.

[00:01:17] It's also hard to be elsewhere and watching this and seeing people going through this kind of thing. And it's the same for us here. We just want to help, right? So people have just been out doing amazing, amazing amounts of volunteering and really getting stuff done in the community to help other people.

[00:01:38] So, it's, it's kind of beautiful and terrible at the same time, and we're gonna need a lot of support for a very long time. This is day nine, I think, and we still have ongoing search and rescue operations and body recoveries and all kinds of business, and haven't even started the cleanup, which is gonna be massive or the rebuilding, which is gonna be long.

[00:02:06] I'm reporting all that, but what I really want to do today is say that, you know, there are ways to help each other and help ourselves feel safe and a little calmer amid crises. And whether your crisis is this kind of thing that we're dealing with here in Western North Carolina and many other states. Or you're in the middle of another disaster of some sort, or a personal disaster.

[00:02:38] Disasters come in many flavors, right? And none of us get out of this life without having some major events happen that just shake us to our foundations. So, you know, my normal podcast is about intimacy and romantic relationships and how to support those to feel better, right? And to feel more connected and more pleasured.

[00:03:03] in the ways that you connect with your romantic partner. But I want to do this for everybody and anybody who just needs some help kind of calming themselves in moments of stress and also knowing how to support others. I'm going to help other people calm themselves because that is a huge gift. And if that is something that you can do at a time when somebody really needs it, it is just a really beautiful thing to offer.

[00:03:34] So bear with me because I have absolutely, as I said, I have absolutely no notes today. We're just going to like roll this, however it comes out of my.

[00:03:45] And I, you know, I need a little bit of it, too. I heard a song today that just, I just started just bawling. It had the name of my town in it, and it had a mule in it, which, you know, there's mules that are, you know. being used to reach people in hard to reach areas in our mountains. And I just find it so touching and beautiful that they're out there working every day, hauling stuff to people when, you know, the government agencies and helicopters and things like that can't even get there.

[00:04:19] Mules can get there. And how beautiful is that? So the song this Jillian Welch song has a mule in it and it has a it talks about my town, Asheville, and it just, I just love it. Busted out crying a lot and it actually felt really good and I felt kind of cathartic afterwards. So I want to encourage you, if you are in the middle of a disaster, don't hold in those tears, number one.

[00:04:41] Any of your bodily expressions, like the things that you need to do, if you need to shake, if you need to curl up in a ball, if you need to go somewhere dark, if you need to sleep, if you need to cry, you know, that's normal. That's what those things are made for, they are made, that's why humans can do those things, is because sometimes we need to.

[00:05:05] And so please, let them flow, let that move through you, let emotion move through you. We do not need to be happy all the time, that is not what life's about. And when there is tragedy, it makes sense to be devastated and sad, and when there's something hard in your life, it makes sense to be hurt. Right, so the first thing is allowing your emotions, and that doesn't mean allowing them at people.

[00:05:30] It doesn't mean throwing all your emotions at somebody and making someone else have to deal with it, right? It doesn't mean you can't reach out for help, but reaching out for help in a way where you're asking permission. If you need to really offload some stuff, not everybody's going to have capacity at every moment to deal with your venting.

[00:05:51] Right? So asking is really important, consent, and also asking for, but it doesn't mean you can't get it. Right? Like I asked somebody to listen to me vent today and she did and it was wonderful. My dear friend was there for me exactly when I needed her, but I did want to ask her. And you can also, you know, not throwing your emotions at someone also doesn't mean that Not asking for help when you need it.

[00:06:19] Asking for help is strong. People who can ask for help are badasses. That's amazing. People who, we try to do stuff on our own. Oh my gosh. You can do some things on your own, but then there is a moment. There's always a tipping point, right, where you really need help, being able to ask for it, even if it's just someone to hold your hand, or just to listen to you, or just to give you a hug, or to hold you when you cry, you know, ask for help.

[00:06:46] So that, those are two things, letting the emotions move through you, not suppressing your physical responses. And really asking for help and support from other people rather than kind of just like throwing your emotions on people without their consent. So those are two really helpful ways to start. And another thing that I want to offer is something called finding neutral.

[00:07:12] So. One of the things we tend to do when we are under a lot of stress or we're having a lot of anxiety is we start scrunching up, we start bracing, we do all, we kind of like try to resist and push down all the emotions that are happening. And that is actually not a great plan. If you need to do it for a while because you're in a crisis, then, you know, go for it.

[00:07:36] I've done it a bazillion times in crisis mode, and I've paid for it later, but it actually does sometimes get you through a crisis. But once you're not in crisis mode, or if you can create some space for yourself to actually let yourself feel your emotions, it's really a great option because suppression is always going to make things last longer, number one.

[00:07:59] So what we repress persists or what we suppress tends to persist. There's a little what we resist persists kind of is the, is the little saying. So instead of resisting the emotion, it makes it last longer if it's a hard emotion. It also can get kind of locked in your body and you can just sort of like punt it down the road and then it comes out in weird ways later that are not intentional or not necessarily serving you.

[00:08:28] So that can be in things like addictions or it can be in like. explosive moments where you treated somebody a way that you didn't actually want to and you may have, you know, inadvertently damaged a relationship or caused yourself some more pain or just like not let yourself actually move through it and move on and have different emotions, which is really preferable.

[00:08:50] So instead of sort of scrunching up and locking down and repressing in whatever way that you you and your body tend to do that, I invite you to try this Finding Neutral exercise. So what you do is, I'm going to just guide you through it right now. Close your eyes because it's always a little easier to look inward when your eyes are closed.

[00:09:11] Close your eyes and take a couple nice deep breaths into your body and just allow yourself to check in with your body and ask yourself, you know, where am I on this kind of, on this activated emotion scale. Where am I on the, like, upset scale? If zero is completely calm and ten is, you know, fight, flight, freak, fool, freak out, panic attack, punch the wall, whatever.

[00:09:36] Zero is totally calm. Where are you? What's your number? And just go with whatever number pops up. Don't, you know, try to get too persnickety about it. So, when you find your number, the next thing I want you to do is ask yourself inside, just scan your body and say, how do I know? What in my body is telling me that that's my number?

[00:09:58] And if you've been kind of dissociating or really suppressing, it can be hard at first to hear your body telling you, it's okay, just take your time and really see, you know, is there tension somewhere? Is there like a discomfort somewhere? Is there shakiness somewhere? What's happening? Or if you're totally calm, awesome, how do you know, right?

[00:10:21] How do you know that that's your number? And whatever is going on in that part of your body, maybe you have a sinking feeling in your stomach, maybe you have a lump in your throat, maybe you have so much tension in your jaw or your scalp or your shoulders or your feet are clenched or whatever, right?

[00:10:40] Notice what that feels like and just let it be a sensation. Keep breathing. Make sure that you're directing some breath into your body, letting yourself relax. Fill yourself up with breath, letting your tummy expand, letting yourself exhale fully all the way. Exhaling can be hard when you're really stressed out.

[00:11:02] And just starting to direct a little bit of breath to the part of you that is telling you that you're activated. So if it's my belly that's roiling or having butterflies, I'm going to direct some breath there. If it's my neck that's all tense, I'm going to just direct some breath and attention there.

[00:11:19] Take three nice deep breaths. And just notice the sensation and just allow it to be there. It's not a problem. It's just a sensation. It's not an emergency. It's just a sensation of whatever emotion you're having. That's okay. The next thing I want you to do after you take those three deep breaths is find a place through scanning your body.

[00:11:43] You can start at your feet or your head. Just start at your feet and scan up your body. Okay. Looking for a place that feels neutral. It feels neutral or it feels even okay, or even good. It could be super tiny, it could be a shin, an earlobe, it could be your forearms. Whatever it is, find a place that feels neutral or okay, and then start directing some breath there.

[00:12:11] With your breath is going to come a tension. Now you can't breathe into your forearms directly, but as you breathe deeply. You can imagine the breath just going to this neutral location, bringing with it your attention and just noticing how it feels to feel neutral there, to feel okay there. Take a good five deep breaths there, just letting yourself rest in that sense of neutral.

[00:12:38] And if it helps, you can also remind yourself, or just listen to this reminder, that in this moment, you are safe. You are breathing. You are okay. Whatever else is going on, you are okay. In this moment, you are okay. Keep breathing into that neutral place, and then shift your breath and your attention back to the place that felt activated before.

[00:13:02] And just notice how it feels now. It may feel exactly the same. It may feel different. That's okay. Any of it's okay. This is all just noticing. And notice if your activation scale, if your number is the same or if your number is a little bit different. And you can do the same exercise, just toggling back and forth between the part that feels neutral and the part that feels activated, just noticing your sensations and bringing breath.

[00:13:31] And typically what will happen after a few times is that you'll feel calmer. You'll feel that the emotions have started to kind of pass through you. The activated emotions have started to pass through you and you have started to feel calmer. And that's because you've allowed them to move through your body.

[00:13:52] So congratulations, you did an amazing job. You can gently and at your own pace, open your eyes, come back to your space. Maybe look around, take any movements that feel good, notice your doors, your windows, look around with your peripheral vision, you know, even just like kind of go through your body and just like squeeze different parts, right?

[00:14:15] Feel your feet on the floor, really just let yourself notice your presence and your safety in this moment. Okay. So that's finding neutral. That's all it is. And you just did it. If you went along with that with me, or maybe you saved this for later and you're going to come back and do it later. When we do that kind of exercise and we calm ourselves and ground ourselves and let our emotions move through, we can become available as a resource for others because they can actually feel our calm.

[00:14:47] More than 57 percent of human communication is nonverbal. We can actually feel each other's calm or each other's activation. We can feel when each, when we're stressed out, when someone's stressed out, right? And you can also feel when someone is feeling calmer and more resourced. And that's when we can start offering some support.

[00:15:11] We can help somebody breathe. We can encourage them to breathe. We don't, like, shame them about how they're breathing, right, but just be like, Hey, do you want to just exhale fully with me for a minute? Because this is just a hard time. Can we just be here together? Right? Whatever way feels good to you to talk about, right?

[00:15:31] You don't have to use my words, just use yours. But from this resourced place, that's where we can start offering. support to other people. When we are feeling frantic and activated, people just are going to pick up on that and it's going to make them even more frantic and activated. Right? It's not going to help the situation.

[00:15:50] So when we talk about co regulation, whether you're trying to help calm a child, or an elder, or a peer, or your partner, or other people, your parent or your colleague or some random person that you just pulled out of a rushing river, right? Taking a moment to just breathe into your body, to tell yourself that you're okay, to help them know that they're okay in this moment too.

[00:16:16] That is a gift. It's a gift to you and it's a gift to them. It will strengthen connection and it will help us all. Deal with whatever the next thing is that's coming down the pike, right? Because there's always going to be something else. So being as resourced as we can and helping everybody else be resourced, too.

[00:16:34] And you don't even have to say anything just by virtue of you being more calm and at ease in your own body having let the activated emotions pass through to the extent that they can. And you know, sometimes if you're at full ten, you're in fight flight panic. You can't do this. You really can't. You just need to wait, try to breathe, try to breathe as much as you can.

[00:16:56] And when you do get down to, you know, maybe a seven or an eight, you can do this kind of finding neutral exercise to take you down a little bit more. And maybe all you get that day is a five, but hey, that's better, right? It might even let you sleep. It might let you rest. So I am, I am like, I am so overwhelmingly heartbroken for everybody who has been devastated by this storm.

[00:17:22] And I am also so overwhelmingly grateful for not just my safety, but just all of the community pulling together. It's just the most beautiful thing to see. The stories are amazing. People have been amazing. They have been helping each other everywhere you look. And it really does heal something in me to see that.

[00:17:46] So if you are one of those people, thank you so much. And if you're not right now, one of those people, I know you're going to be one of those people. someday for someone. So thank you all very much. Please consider donating either your funds right now or maybe your Christmas shopping you can do from Western North Carolina artisans who literally lost everything.

[00:18:11] We're hoping to get something back up to help them make inventory so they can start filling orders for all the arts and crafts that they normally produce. We have so many So many amazing artisans in this area. Whatever you feel called to do or just sending care and support, our direction, we really appreciate and I'll put a list of resources of places you can donate if you feel called to do that.

[00:18:36] And thank you very much. Take care of each other and yourselves.