Experiencing More Pleasure & Satisfaction (Plus How Arousal & Desire Fit In)

What is your relationship to physical pleasure? Today is all about investigating this question so you can experience more of it. We'll talk about how you can boost pleasure, dive in to how desire and arousal get confused with pleasure, and how to focus on what really brings deep satisfaction. 

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com.

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Welcome to Sex Help for Smart People. I'm your host, Dr. Laura Jurgens, former science professor turned somatic sexologist and intimacy coach. This podcast is all about helping smart women over 40 and their partners of all genders get the evidence based relationship and intimacy support you need for great sex and connections.

[00:00:19] I'm glad you're here, so let's get at it. Hey everyone, welcome to episode 40. So today we are going to talk about physical pleasure, and it's going to get a little philosophical, but let's think about our relationship, your relationship to physical pleasure, how it relates to your sex life, but also how it relates just to How you experience the world, how you feel, what you allow yourself on a daily basis.

[00:00:51] So that's what today is all about. And yeah, I'm going to tell you a little bit about my relationship to pleasure. And we're also going to talk a little bit about desire. And how much of the conversation really around sexuality is about desire. I think it's really important. overly emphasized, and how that really does us a disservice, because if we focus more on pleasure and arousal, it really actually can give us some better results, even in terms, if we're thinking in terms of sort of frequency or quality of our sex life.

[00:01:28] All right, so first up, what is pleasure? What is pleasure to you? I want you to ask yourself that question. What is physical pleasure? Sensual pleasure? Sexual pleasure? It's really what feels good, right? It's what feels yummy, what feels satisfying. And let's remember that word, right, satisfying. We feel satisfied when we are in our pleasure, when we are really enjoying something, whether it's a sensation or an experience, right?

[00:02:01] When we have our favorite food and it, and we're really there present with it and we're allowing it to bring us pleasure and enjoying the satisfaction there. So then, what also, what is arousal? Well, arousal is really just about excitement. What turns us on, what lights us up, right? That arousal. So we can think about psychological arousal as psychological excitement, physical arousal as physical excitement, which has oftentimes certain characteristics, right, of our body responding in certain ways.

[00:02:36] And then we can think about what the heck is desire. Well, actually, desire is really a seeking of fulfillment. It's when we are not yet satisfied. It's looking for that satisfaction. Right? Wanting. And when we actually Think about it, it's not the most important thing in our sexuality, and it's not the most important thing in our connections.

[00:03:04] Looking or seeking is really not the place that we get satisfaction. Pleasure is the place we get satisfaction. Arousal is a place we get excitement. And focusing more on arousal and pleasure will always actually feel better than focusing on this idea that we're somehow supposed to have desire, quote unquote.

[00:03:27] Who cares if we have desire, if we have pleasure and arousal? Then desire to pursue that will follow. So, I really want to shift the conversation to pleasure and arousal. If you have been feeling like, if you are identifying as a quote unquote low desire person or you're identifying as a high desire person, both of those things can kind of get us in some trouble.

[00:03:52] We can forget a little bit about the actual being in the present moment in our pleasure, in our arousal. We can forget about our partner being in their pleasure and arousal because we're so focused on immediate desire and whether we feel desired or whether we feel like they have, their desire matches our desire.

[00:04:13] Blah de blah de blah. Right? So focusing on pleasure, making sure you're both focusing on what feels good to you. And you're both focusing on what feels exciting or arousing to you can really get you a lot farther in solving some desire mismatch type of things that we would normally kind of put in that category.

[00:04:34] And also, pleasure is really something that I think in this culture we forget about. We spend a lot of time in desire, the pursuit of more or different experiences than what we're having in the moment, the pursuit of more status or money or different looks or different experiences than what we are having right now.

[00:05:01] And sometimes even things like Eating our favorite food isn't pleasurable because we're doing it, we're rushing or we're sitting in front of the TV and we're not actually being present with our pleasure, right? We're trying to rush, trying to get to that next thing. So really leaning into knowing what you like.

[00:05:23] Owning that and savoring it, whether it's in your sex life or in the rest of your life, can really change your experience and your quality of life. So I want you to ask yourself, when do I experience the most physical pleasure? What are the things, little things, that really give me lots of pleasure? Or big things that give me lots of pleasure?

[00:05:48] Do I allow myself to really be present? With that pleasure. How do I use pleasure in my life to help me? Pleasure is a wonderful, wonderful helper in this life. There is plenty of pain that is just gonna come for all of us at various times in various ways. And you know, just right now in Asheville going through, you know, it's been a month since.

[00:06:18] This massive flood disaster devastation, we just got hot water, it's not potable, we can't drink it, but we just got some running water back in our house last weekend, 23 days after this storm, and I can tell you that the pleasure I feel at being able to take a hot shower And how much I allow myself to sink into that joy to help me get through the rest of every day when I'm still dealing with heartbreak.

[00:06:48] I'm driving through places that I have known and loved that are just absolutely devastated. I'm hearing stories from people who are still really struggling or who have lost people and pets. You know, just having that pleasure of like, sinking into that joy of getting a hot shower. It is really important to do that for ourselves, right?

[00:07:13] To allow ourselves to have pleasure as our reward, our birthright, to let it soothe us, to let it balance out all the challenges in life, and to really own it for ourselves and not make it anybody else's job. We get to be in pleasure. We get to enjoy the sensations in our body and if someone wants to join us in that and help us with that by giving us something that feels good to us, that's wonderful and awesome and an honor, but can we really take it in?

[00:07:45] Can we really allow ourselves to be in pleasure? Can we receive it as a gift from someone when they are really attuned to us and they are really hearing what we want? Can we receive that pleasure and allow ourselves to enjoy it? You know, a lot of us have a hard time with our relationship to physical pleasure.

[00:08:04] A lot of us don't allow ourselves to enjoy it. We feel like we're supposed to be doing something else. We're thinking about our to do list. We're thinking about, maybe it's not, we're thinking about the other person. Maybe it's not okay for us to actually be enjoying, or maybe it feels risky or it feels scary to have someone else see us.

[00:08:22] In our pleasure, to be witnessed as enjoying, as actually taking some time and enjoyment for ourselves. Maybe we don't feel entitled to it, but there is nothing you're more entitled to than being in enjoyment of your own body's pleasure when that is something that's available to you. It doesn't help anybody else for you not to allow yourself that gift.

[00:08:47] That is inherent in the body that you've been given. So ask yourself, you know, when do I really let myself sink into pleasure? When do I shut it down or rush past it? Do I let myself experience sexual arousal as a pleasure, meaning I let it feel good to be aroused and satisfying? Or do I only experience arousal as a desire for something or someone else to satisfy me?

[00:09:15] And I experience arousal as being unsatisfied. Arousal is really open to multiple interpretations. You can feel aroused and enjoy it as a yummy, satisfying, delicious feeling. Or you can feel aroused and get kind of stressed out by it as I need something from someone. And that can feel really vulnerable.

[00:09:37] It can also feel really desperate. And so I want you to think about is your sexual arousal, do you let yourself enjoy it and have it be yummy and scrumptious and like see what happens either with someone else or for yourself and sink into that, take responsibility for it yourself, or do you experience sexual arousal as something somebody else needs to do something for me, right?

[00:10:02] Now I'm aroused, so I need to be able to do something with this with somebody else. So I just want you to reflect on some of these questions. That's what today is all really about. Because I think it's really valuable to know the answers for yourself. Where are you currently at in your relationship with your body's physical pleasure, with your arousal, and with desire?

[00:10:26] And one of the ways that you can expand your capacity for pleasure and really build a better relationship A much more satisfying, beautiful relationship with pleasure in your body is the practice of enjoying and wanting what you have. So that's it. This means being pleasured, allowing yourself to be fully pleasured, allowing deep satisfaction with the wonderful things that you already get to experience.

[00:10:58] So this is like taking an inventory, you know, writing down what are 20 things that give me physical pleasure, that bring me physical pleasure that I have access to now, that I I get to enjoy. And then look at all those things and see, ask yourself, do I really let myself fully enjoy them? And how could I let myself enjoy them more?

[00:11:21] How could I let them fill me up even more? How could I let them really sink in? How could I revel in every single one of those things? And really allowing yourself to really want those things that you already have. Instead of focusing so much the way our culture does and sort of seeking the next more different thing, really focusing on enjoying and wanting the things that you have is a wonderful practice of fulfillment.

[00:11:51] It will help you feel so much better. And whether you're partnered or not, think about how you can really enjoy and sink into the types of physical pleasure that you have available to you, whether it's sex for one or sex for more than one, right? Maybe there's some sort of sexuality that's on that list.

[00:12:12] Maybe there's not. Maybe most of your pleasures are other kinds of sensual experiences. And that's okay too, sink into those and see what it is that really brings you joy. And you can do the same thing with arousal, get curious about what feels exciting, what really turns you on, and see if you can experience arousal.

[00:12:34] As a pleasure, as a yummy, lovely, wonderful sensation, or see if it feels like it feels kind of desperate and urgent or scary to experience arousal. And that's really good to know. That helps you know where you're at and what you might want to think about learning next in your relationship with all of these aspects of yourself.

[00:12:58] Alright my friends, I hope you have so much pleasure this week, and really sink into it, let yourself have it, allow yourself to feel entitled to it, and I'll see you next week. Hey, if you're curious about how you can have better sex and connections, click here. Go grab my free guide, Find Your Secret Turn Ons.

[00:13:17] It's right on my website, www.laurajurgens.com, and the link is in the show notes. I'll see you here next time.