Sex Help for Smart People
We all need help with intimacy. Join certified somatic intimacy coach, and former academic scientist, Dr. Laura Jurgens for this myth-busting, de-shaming, inclusive show. She helps you understand socialized shame and sexual repression, distills the latest research, and introduces play-based approaches to growing your capacity for intimacy. Every episode offers an experiential exercise to build skill and confidence. If you want to discover an effective, fun path to better sex and connection, this show is for you. No ads, no product placements. Just free help.
Disclosure: expect explicit content and some swearing!
Sex Help for Smart People
Butt Fun: How to Start & How to Avoid Traumatic Mistakes
Today we’re talking about butt stuff – all things anal pleasure. The rear end is the other half of your pelvis and has loads of nerve endings to enjoy, but it can also be a place of shame, pain and trauma when we aren't careful. I’m going to give you some perspectives on releasing shame and expectations. I'll also cover in detail the Cardinal Rules of Butt Fun so you can stay on the pleasure side of the equation rather than the pain and trauma side. As usual, I’m going to end on an invitation to explore on your own, and this exercise is really important for those of you starting out with butt play, or if you’ve had bad experiences in the past. We'll also cover good butt-safe toys, hygiene, communication, pacing, lube, and all the details to help you be successful – which means every one has fun and no one gets hurt.
Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com.
Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.
[00:00:00] Welcome to Sex Help for Smart People. I'm your host, Dr. Laura Jurgens, former science professor turned somatic sexologist and intimacy coach. This podcast is all about helping smart women over 40 and their partners of all genders get the evidence based relationship and intimacy support you need for great sex and connections.
[00:00:19] I'm glad you're here, so let's get at it. Welcome to episode 41. So today we are talking about butt stuff, butt stuff for beginners and all things anal pleasure. The rear end is after all the other half of your pelvis and there's a ton of nerve endings in there to have fun with. So we're going to cover topics like releasing shame and expectations, two of the things that really get in the way.
[00:00:47] We're going to cover pacing, choosing good toys and sort of, you know, Easing in, literally, to butt pleasure for women and men and people of all gender identities. We're going to talk briefly about prostate play and why you might want to try it. We'll talk about pegging, harnesses versus other toys, and I'm going to give you the cardinal rules of butt fun.
[00:01:10] I really feel strongly about these because in my experience following these rules is what keeps everything on the side of pleasure in the equation rather than the pain and trauma side of the equation, which is unfortunately really common when people either don't know or don't follow the rules. So as usual, I'm going to end on an invitation to explore on your own, and this exercise is really important for those of you starting out with butt play or if you've had bad experiences in the past.
[00:01:44] So today is going to be a pretty long episode, I think, because there's a lot to cover about butt stuff. And it's important to cover all of it. So we're going to jump in and just know that you are free to pause and come back and finish it, of course, if it gets to be too long for today. But please don't skip any content if you want to be successful because we need you.
[00:02:07] And by successful, I mean everyone has fun and nobody gets hurt, right? Because we actually do need to cover all of the rules and all of these topics. So, all right, let's get to it today. And there's three big things I want to cover up front. So one, erasing preconceived notions. Two is shedding shame, and three is focusing on safety.
[00:02:33] So before we get into all these other topics that are really important around butt play and pleasure, number one is getting our egos out of this, erasing it. any expectations you have from porn, or rumor, or some one partner in the past. Most of the expectations and assumptions we get, especially from porn, and especially from rumor, or friends, or whatever, are wrong.
[00:03:01] They can get you into big trouble, including possibly physically or psychologically damaging your partner. So I'm, Yeah, I'm giggling, but I am really serious. I have seen some crazy anal porn that it is in no way realistic. And first off, they do not show the extensive preparation, warmup, lube, months of gradually building up to being able to take something that large into your butthole, and in session buildup to be able to put a whole penis in a butt.
[00:03:33] Please know, all that stuff, it's entertainment, it's made up, it's just like, you know, dragons in movies. It is not real. So get everything you've expected from watching, if you've seen butt porn, get it out of your head. And also get past partners out of your head because everyone is different. You don't know even how honest past partners were with you.
[00:03:57] Too many of them are, you know, especially younger folks are not super aware of what's going on in their own bodies or willing to be honest with their partners. So please don't expect another partner to have the same butthole or the same interests, responses, timing, or experiences. All right, so that's number one is releasing preconceived notions.
[00:04:21] That's number two. Butts are actually pretty fun to play with and it's not shameful to enjoy anal pleasure, whatever your gender identity. For women, for men, for people who are non binary or genderqueer, there is no shame in enjoying the fact that your body comes with a lot of really nice feeling nerve endings.
[00:04:45] in and around your butt. The things that get in our way typically are sexism and homophobia. And those are made up things by people and you can choose to hold on to them and believe them or not. But at the end of the day, your rear end is literally the other half of your pelvis and you might want to learn.
[00:05:11] If there's some fun in there to be had for you. And look, this can take all kinds of forms and we're going to talk about it today. It doesn't mean you have to have something large inserted into your butthole. I suggest getting over, though, whatever's keeping you from at least discovering for you how your body might enjoy additional stimulation on the backside of your pelvis.
[00:05:36] So, even just if you want to try out on your own during masturbation, that's where I suggest everybody start with everything new, really. Some rear end stimulation, external or internal. around your butt, around your anus, to see if you actually like it. It can really enhance pleasure. It can give bigger orgasms.
[00:05:56] Regardless of your sex or gender identity, it can be absolutely fun to play with. So really thinking about are you holding a lot of shame and where is that coming from? So speaking of which Gender identity really does affect the sort of type of butt shame we tend to have. So women tend to have shame about even having a butthole that might like some attention.
[00:06:25] We tend to also default to thinking that any sort of butt play, like all sex, is something we should do for our partners, especially male partners. So if you are still there thinking that, If your body's pleasure is secondary and that sex is really for your male partner, then I want to invite you to stop now.
[00:06:51] Just stop. It's easier said than done, of course. I'm kidding about like, just stop now, right? But notice that that's what you're doing and decide whether you want to work on that or you want to keep that priority on somebody else. For the rest of your life. You, for, particularly if you decide to play with butt stuff, you need to really be focused on your own pleasure.
[00:07:16] And I think that's the case with any sort of sexual play, but it is really important to not do this for somebody else. And you can hurt yourself if you're doing that for somebody else because you'll be paying attention to them and not to you. So start owning, please, that the only sex you should be having is sex for your own pleasure, period, if you are a female.
[00:07:40] Female identified, woman identified. And yes, you may want to have butt play for you, but don't do it for someone else. Now that doesn't mean anyone that we shouldn't be considering our partners and their pleasure. That's not what we're saying, but women are very heavily socialized to focus on other people's pleasure and actually pleasuring other people with our bodies and not really feeling entitled to.
[00:08:05] focusing mostly on ourselves and that becomes a problem, especially, you'll understand more as we go through the safety part. Women also tend to have shame that we just have a butthole thing in the first place and that poop comes out of it. So normal human body functions we can have shame about because we are given this ridiculous idea that it is quote unquote unladylike.
[00:08:29] So if it is unladylike to have a butthole, then every lady in history has been unladylike, right? You can think of the most unladylike ladylike people out there, and they have all pooped. Otherwise they would be dead. But I remember what it was like to feel like I couldn't even talk about the fact that I pooped, right?
[00:08:51] A lot of us have gotten over that in modern times. I hope you are among our number, but if you are not, I just want to say I see you. There is no shame in having shame about this. You didn't put it there. You were given that by a society that tells us that women are supposed to be like pure and clean and not think about or talk about poop.
[00:09:11] So let's just let that go, embrace the fact that we have buttholes and they can be fun. So on the other side of things, hetero men and closeted queer men tend to have homophobia. related shame, as if liking one part of your body pleasured means something about your sexual orientation, which it doesn't.
[00:09:33] Anyone anywhere on the queer to hetero spectrum can like or dislike butt play. So yes, you can be 100 percent straight and love butt play. You can be Queer as fuck and not like anything ever touching your butthole. It doesn't, they do not have any correlation with each other whatsoever. So your preferences for your sex partners do not equate to your preferences for how you like different parts of your body touched.
[00:10:04] The last big thing I want to put up front here, number three, is that there are some real safety issues with butt play. You can do serious damage pretty easily if you're not careful. Now if you are careful, it's really not that bad. so dangerous. It's like crossing the street, right? You need to know what you're doing, and it's definitely not safe if you don't know what you're doing.
[00:10:28] But if you follow the rules, you should be okay, right? So we'll talk today about all those rules and safety stuff as we go through this. All this information. All right, so now let's assume you're setting aside expectations, you're setting aside shame, and you're ready to think about how to have fun with your butthole safely.
[00:10:48] That's what today is all about. So first up, there are a, just a ton of things that you can do with the butt area that have absolutely nothing to do with any insertion whatsoever. So, First up, the butt crack itself. It is super sensitive and full of nerve endings. A lot of people don't even know that they have a major erogenous zone in their butt crack.
[00:11:16] I didn't know this for myself until a few years ago, and then I was like, Oh my gosh, butt cracks, they feel great! Right? So try exploring to see if that might erogenous zones. You can play there with lubed or oiled fingers or like a forearm run down the butt crack. That can be an amazing sensation and you may just want to stop there and that's okay.
[00:11:41] That's great. There is no obligation to explore internally at all or even touch, have anybody touch your anus. But But if you want to, it can be a lot of fun because there's a lot of sensation there. Okay, so if you want to think about any sort of anal insertion, I want you to remember a few important things, and we will, I'm going to cover some of the rules in these topics, and then I'll give you a whole little section at the end with my cardinal rules of butt fun.
[00:12:16] But we'll cover some of them in a little more detail here. So number one is only have any sort of butt insertion when you're actually aroused and the receiver really wants it. So definitely don't do this before somebody's ready. And then the most important thing to know is that it. Butts take a very slow pace.
[00:12:36] The anus, anal insertion, I mean very, very slow. Slower than you think. Way slower than you think, with a lot of pausing. When you think about toys, it's really important to, first of all, it's really important to start with toys and not with buttons. like a cock. You do not want to start there. Start with small things.
[00:13:02] You can also start with fingers but make sure that fingernails are very well trimmed and filed and I strongly suggest using gloves and we'll talk more about we want to protect anything going into the butt. The other thing you can start with are butt safe toys. Do not just pick up any old toy. So butt safe toys have a big stopper on the end so they can't get sucked into your bum.
[00:13:31] Butts really want to suck stuff into the bum once the object gets past the sphincters. So you don't want to be that bad story for ER nurses. They are really tired of this. It's happening all the time. People trying to pretend that they, you know, accidentally fell on that cucumber. You want to use a butt safe toy.
[00:13:50] Start small and work your way up between sessions and even within sessions if you want. Only ever to the point of like mild discomfort, not pain or tearing or anything like that. So you have to go very slowly. We'll talk more about that a lot of times today. I'm gonna really hammer that message home.
[00:14:14] But you need to get used to the size and you want to start with small objects, not penises. So good toy options are butt plugs, which are a really great beginner option. There are a ton to choose from. Make sure to start small. You can even get it set in different sizes where they have like different sizes in one set so that you can work your way up over time.
[00:14:41] There are all kinds of butt plugs. The simplest are like a little teardrop shaped item with a stopper on the end, a big flange at the back. And you can also then try things like weighted ones, vibrating ones. beaded ones which you can pull out slowly during orgasm if you like. I really recommend the Weighted Vibrating Butt Plug from BeVibe.
[00:15:08] You can get it on the Good Vibes toy store site online. And if you are using a handheld toy, like a dildo, just make sure it's butt safe. So, A butt plug you'll kind of like insert obviously with a hand but then it's pretty hands free. That stopper keeps it from needing a hand on it and usually it's pretty hard to actually get your hand on those those little stoppers.
[00:15:39] It, but you can also use a dildo but if you use a dildo make sure it has a big flange at the back and it is like marked as anal safe because if you lose your grip with all the lube you're going to be needing. You do not want the dildo to get sucked into your butthole. So, they should have a big flange on the bottom.
[00:15:59] No accidents. Another thing that you could use is a prostate specific toy. Some people love them. Some people hate them. Some people think that they're just ugly and not sexy. But there are some specific butt plug type toys that are meant, that are kind of shaped for reaching the prostate. But I find most anal toys, as long as they're long enough, they're at least a couple inches long, should be able to reach the prostate.
[00:16:25] So you don't have to use a prostate specific toy. You can also use a dildo, a small dildo to start especially. It was a small one. And a lot of the ones that are marketed for G spot use where they have a little curve on them can be extra good for prostate stimulation. All right, lube. You need to use so much more lube than you ever think that you need to use.
[00:16:53] Use lube so that nothing could possibly get dry and keep applying more as needed. Use toy safe lube if you're using a silicone toy. just don't use lube with silicone in it. You can use water based or oil based lube. Bevibe also makes a great one. So does Sliquid and there's tons of others, but just make sure that you use one that has some longevity.
[00:17:16] So look and see if it's, you know, recommended for anal play. And then just keep, I mean, use a lot more than you think you're going to need. So it's often good to have a towel or a squirt blanket, which is just a waterproof blanket. You can often get ones marketed for pets, right? There are tons of them online.
[00:17:37] Squirt blanket or a towel will keep things from getting too messy. tends, you know, you want to think about cleanup when you are thinking about butt play. So that way you won't be tempted to not use as much lube as you need, right? You want to put down whatever you need so that you feel totally fine just squirting lube all over everything.
[00:17:58] All right. Prostates. So if you are a person who has a penis that you were born with, you have a prostate. And those can be good times. It is called the male g spot for a reason. It can really give you extended, really intense orgasms. Can be just a lot of, just a very pleasurable to stimulate. But it might not start that way, and in fact, if you listen to my episode on G spot orgasms that was just out, it's very similar.
[00:18:31] It can sort of start just feeling kind of weird at first, and you might need to play with it for a little while before, and, and sort of, you know, play with it while stroking your cock or touching your balls or something that feels nice to kind of start wiring the pleasure neurons together. So the prostate is around two inches in, give or take, depending on the size of your body and your orientation of your prostate.
[00:18:53] It's towards the front of the body rather than sort of straight up the bum. It's like more towards the front side of your pelvis and it feels like a little ball. You might be able to feel a groove in the center or not with a finger. And you don't really want to go straight to just like nailing the prostate.
[00:19:13] Don't go straight to pegging, for example. Play with a handheld toy first, and by pegging that means, for those of you who aren't familiar with that term, I hate, sorry, I don't, I try to really not throw out too much terminology without defining it, but that is typically where a person, often a man identified person, is having a dildo inserted that is attached to a harness on their partner.
[00:19:43] It's typically where you might have in a hetero couple, you might have a woman wearing a harness with a dildo who is providing stimulation, internal stimulation to her male partner. Okay, so ass fucking your boyfriend. That's what pegging is. Don't go straight to that. It may be your biggest fantasy in the world, and that's awesome, and you can totally work up to it.
[00:20:06] But there's a few problems with starting that way. One, you need to get your butt used to penetration. And two, women, because the dildo is not actually attached to us like a penis is attached to a man, we can't actually touch it. control it the same way. So you can actually wind up kind of hurting your partner if you don't have very much control with the harness.
[00:20:31] And so start When you're first starting with anal penetration, really, if you're using a dildo, use it in your hand first. Use a handheld toy first because that way your partner can really be responsive with timing, with direction, and get used to it before starting to try to play with a harness. And we can talk more about pegging in a future episode.
[00:20:56] Your prostate is often hard to reach on yourself with your fingers or if your partner is female and has small hands it can be really hard to reach that far in with fingers. So using a toy is really helpful to reach the prostate and you can try any of the ones that I suggested. If you do, once you do move to pegging, At this point, I'll just tell you, make sure to watch some how to videos online.
[00:21:21] There are some really good ones, but we can cover more about that in the future. So that's something that is specific to men, cis men, a prostate, or to trans women may still have a prostate. But, for everyone, basic butt anatomy. You all have two anal sphincters, sort of an external one and an internal one, a lot of nerves, a lot of very delicate skin and folds in the skin.
[00:21:55] Now women, cis women, people who were born, who were female at birth, have much more delicate butt skin and this is really important. So there is, because of the body's design, you know, at least the hypothesis is that because the design for expansion to be able to carry a baby, right, the skin, the connective tissue for women is much more flexible.
[00:22:25] And that means a lot of places we have much more sensitive skin and much thinner skin typically than men. And that is very much the case. in the anus. So around the anus women's skin is thinner and that is really important to know because you can cause a lot more damage more quickly and you also need to be extra careful if you're inserting anything into your butt as a woman or as the partner of a woman.
[00:22:53] A couple other things to know. So what to do about hemorrhoids. A lot of people have hemorrhoids and anal sex doesn't cause hemorrhoids but if you have them it can be really uncomfortable, irritating, or make them crack and bleed if you have any sort of insertion into your anus. So it's generally best to wait until you're not having like a hemorrhoid flare up and of course then always follow all my rules.
[00:23:17] Start small, use loads of lube, go very slow. It's not impossible to have anal play with like very mild hemorrhoids. Just be really careful and maybe Go even slower even slower than normal Even if you're used to having a lot of anal play be extra cautious when you have Any sort of hemorrhoids and stop if you feel pain ever always Another important safety thing is that STIs are very easy to pass through butts So you need to take all the precautions.
[00:23:51] Every single precaution that you can take, especially with a new partner, you definitely want everybody to be tested, you want everybody to be using protection, and be very careful because STIs are very easy to pass in any sort of anal play. All right, another safety thing. A lot of people were wondering about this, so we're going to talk about it.
[00:24:11] Hygiene. So, hygiene is really, really important. We don't want any sort of infections passed to other parts of the body just because we had a little bit of fecal matter, right? And the one that's very, very common and you have to be very, very careful of is the vagina. So do not ever touch the vagina, also don't touch your mouth, with anything that has touched the anus.
[00:24:39] So, using gloves. is really great. If you're using fingers, put your fingers in some gloves, right? Like I like the black nitrile gloves, but you can use whatever kind of like either nitrile or latex if your partner's not allergic to latex. Gloves, make sure your nails are filed short cut short and filed smooth.
[00:25:00] Also use anal specific condoms. They're extra strong condoms so that they don't break and. That's because the anal sphincters are really tight and they can put more stress on condoms. So you want to use extra strong condoms. If you are using your mouth around an anus, you want to, which is called rimming or analingus, you want to use a dental dam for your mouth.
[00:25:25] Not everybody's going to do that, but especially with a established partner, but consider it. And you just want to think about making sure you have a lot of barriers because then you can switch quickly to another activity like kissing or cunnilingus or you know, fingering a vagina or whatever but then you can switch quickly if you take the glove off and all of a sudden now you have a clean hand, right?
[00:25:52] So in general you want to take a shower before butt play, you want to wash very well and make sure you've pooped that day. if you are going to have any sort of insertion. Now look, some people want to enema and they want their partners to enema. You can. You don't have to. It's not absolutely necessary, but some people prefer it.
[00:26:15] And if you do prefer it, do it 30 minutes to two hours before, and then also still take a shower after that. All of this is to say there's nothing wrong With just like having a little poop, right? Like that's just a normal human function and if you've got things going in a butt there will be some poop So just live with it and expect it and don't shame anyone about it Everyone has some poop in there no matter how clean of a person they are if you are putting something Inside the anus there's going to be some poop.
[00:26:47] So If your dick is going in a butt it will get poop on it. So get over it And definitely do not shame your partner about it. But the same is true for toys and just expect that, right? And just have a plan for cleanup as well as hygiene. So like I mentioned, the blankets or towels are a good idea. And also having some non chemical unscented baby wipes around is often a good idea.
[00:27:13] You can either, you know, to put the toy on after you're done or to clean up a little bit before you have a chance to get back into the shower. Okay, so that's hygiene. Now, another thing to know is you want to always work up to larger toys and penises. And I mentioned this before, but this is also a really big benefit of having a small cock.
[00:27:35] It's great for anal. A lot of people will prefer a small cock in their butthole. So if you have a large cock or your partner does, you need to really adjust expectations. It may not ever be possible. to put that penis in your partner's butt because it's just too big. Doesn't mean you can't enjoy butt play with toys.
[00:28:00] Just make sure that whatever you do, you're always working up in size within and between sessions to only mild discomfort and never pain and using, you know, Niagara Falls levels of lube. Okay, another topic. I told you there was going to be a lot of topics. There's a, there's a lot of topics here. I want you to all have so much fun and keep it on the fun side of the equation.
[00:28:27] So that's why I'm giving you all the information today. All right, this is a big one for hetero couples. I strongly suggest anal penetration of the male first. So, A big challenge. There's a lot of men out there, a lot of hetero men who want to have butt sex with their female partners. Well guys, here's the deal.
[00:28:52] You need to receive it first so that you understand how slow to go and it's a lot safer for you because one, you have thicker anal skin and two, the Penetrating object is not actually giving direct pleasure to your partner, which means she can control herself and go very slow without any sort of internal prompting to try to go faster to get pleasure.
[00:29:26] And that is a big problem with dicks. They want to go, they want to get what they want. And it's really important that you learn firsthand and viscerally in your body the intense vulnerability inherent in receiving an object into your body at all, and definitely into your butt, before you are in a situation in which you are tempted To speed up.
[00:29:55] So I strongly suggest if you are going to play with butt sex that you work to get to the point where you can receive men an object equally as large in proportion to your body as your dick is to your partner. So start with you first. You are the first receiver and that's really important and it will help everyone.
[00:30:20] everything go better in the future and will really help you understand what you need to do so that you can keep things safe and you can keep your partner safe and everything staying fun for both of you so that she's going to want to do it again. All right, so this is always, right, we only want to do what you both want when you both want it and we always, always want to focus on the receiver's pleasure.
[00:30:47] So that means You have to have that working up so that the person who's receiving really wants that size of object in there, but they have to work up to it. So you can start with crack play first, right? Like have a few sessions where that's all you do. Work up to around the outside of the anus and only if the receiver really wants then you start playing mildly with insertion.
[00:31:12] And remember that you don't ever have to say yes to that. You never have to put anything up there if you don't want to, and you really shouldn't if you're not 100 percent on board. So another place to start is really playing with yourself first and seeing if you like the sensations. If you stimulate your cock or your clitoris at the same time, you can help your body start wiring those nerves together and relax into it, and you can have extra lovely, yummy, big, giant orgasms with butts involved.
[00:31:40] All right, so some of the reasons, I want to cover a little bit of butt related trauma, some of, just so that you understand what the, reasons are that I'm really harping on the safety and all the rules. So butt related trauma is very, very common. It's not just men and women and non binary people who experience explicit assault, obviously that would cause trauma, but it's more commonly people just breaking the rules, the cardinal rules of butt fun.
[00:32:12] They're going too fast. They're not sober. which also makes them go too fast or not notice what's going on with their partner. They're not using enough lube or warm up. They're using too big an object, often a cock attached to a person who can't or won't go slowly enough, doesn't know how to go slowly enough.
[00:32:30] All those things can cause a lot of trauma, both physical damage. So the types of physical damage that can occur, you need to be aware of so that you can look out for them. That includes perforated rectum, anal fissures, anal incontinence, sphincter injuries, STIs. And if you have any severe, sharp, or intense shooting pain, then you may have perforated your rectum.
[00:32:57] If the pain is still present after 30 minutes, you need to go to the doctor right away. All of this can be avoided by following the cardinal rules I'm going to give you, but I want to make sure that you know that these are risks. And because of that thinner skin for women and their anus, they have an increased risk for fissures, for sphincter injuries, and for anal incontinence.
[00:33:18] So, You need to just be aware and extra careful if a, there is a female butthole involved. Okay, the other risk of trauma is emotional and psychological damage. We can wind up with avoidance, flashbacks, a very understandable erosion of trust. You can wind up with libido shut down. You can wind up with breakups.
[00:33:40] Right? Any, all of the types of trauma you get with sexual assault you can get by having things just going too fast or painfully. With butt play. There's also, for female bodied people, there's a huge risk of UTIs and vaginal infections if anything touching the butthole touches the vagina. So just like we talked about, make sure to wash thoroughly with soap and hot water before touching a vagina and make sure nothing that has been in the anus goes near the vagina until it's been thoroughly washed.
[00:34:12] So if you're And those things themselves, like having UTIs and major bacterial infections can also cause some trauma. They cause a lot of pain. And so that can just be like a, oh my gosh, I never want to do this again because I had this horrible UTI afterwards, right? So this is why we want to keep things, we want to use these cardinal rules for butt fun to keep things on the playful, fun, happy side of the equation, the pleasure side, because there is a ton of pleasure available with butt play, but it's again, like walking across the street, you really need to kind of be aware of the rules.
[00:34:50] All right, so I'm going to give you. These are the cardinal rules for butt fun and I'm going to break them down and they're just kind of, you've heard them all already today, but we're going to just really lay them out quickly here in a numbered list. So number one, start sober. You do not want to do butt play.
[00:35:13] with any sort of substance altering your consciousness. So do not do butt play while drunk. Do not do butt play while high. Do not do butt play on pills, right? Do not do sleep deprived, like anything that alters your consciousness. This is not the time to play with anal insertion in particular. You can do crack stuff, but be very careful because the you need to be very aware of what's happening in your body and in the body of your partner.
[00:35:44] If you, if you are the giver and in your body, if you are the receiver, you need to be very aware and attuned so that you can make sure there's no damage or injury or you're not going faster than you think you're going. So you need to be sober. All right. Number two, make sure everyone actually wants to do it, that you are only doing the amount and type of anal play that the receiver wants.
[00:36:08] Number two, number three, start very small. So we talked about that. Start small. Number four, use only butt safe toys and smooth protected body parts with gloves, dental dams, anal design condoms, that stuff. All right, number five, use more lube than you think. Number six, go incredibly slowly. So slow, you're not even moving anything for a while.
[00:36:38] Take breaths between movement. Let the receiver tell you when she or he or they are ready for more insertion. Usually you're going to need several nice, deep, long breaths between getting between the external sphincter and the internal sphincter. So just allow there to be a big pause and everybody's just going to hang out for a while while the receiver adjusts to having that pause.
[00:37:05] object moving into their body. Okay. Next is focus on the pace and the pleasure of the person receiving. So this one, number seven goes with number six. So you want to go slow across the board, but number seven is really to make sure you're focusing on the pace and the pleasure of the person who's receiving.
[00:37:27] The person who's inserting anything, whether it's part of your body or a toy. needs to focus on the receiver first and foremost. If you are a person with a dick and you cannot do that with your dick, if you can't focus on the receiver instead of yourself, then you don't get to use your dick. End of story.
[00:37:48] You need to use a toy because you need to keep the focus on the receiver. All right, number eight. Mild discomfort is okay, but no pain or tearing. So when discomfort happens, and it will, stop and just breathe and see where you're at and see if you still want to move forward. If you're, if you're like, yeah, I'm totally into this, that was just a little uncomfortable, then move forward.
[00:38:11] And if you're not, Back off. Right? Don't allow yourself to get to the point where there is serious pain or tearing. All right. Next up, talk it all out first and debrief after as well. So this one is communication, communication, right? Open, free, non shaming communication is essential. And if you don't feel like you have that with a partner, you probably shouldn't be doing any anal insertion with them.
[00:38:37] All right. Lastly, plan for hygiene, cleanup, and emotional aftercare. All right. That is ten rules. Those are the rules. Don't break them. Okay, and this last one is that, you know, that was the strong suggestion that if you're in a hetero couple, and you both want to try having her receive his cock anally, make sure he receives first and works up to a toy that's a relative match for the size.
[00:39:02] of his dick relative to her body, right, on his body. So your invitation, my friends, here. This is a lot of information. There's a lot of cautionary things in here. There might be some scary stuff. But again, once you know the rules, it's safe to walk across the street, right? So follow the rules. And the way to start is to really play with yourself, just like anything.
[00:39:28] You don't have to worry about another person, you're not focused on them, you don't have to worry about the communication, you don't have to worry about what their pacing is and all that stuff. Play with your own butt, go through the rules, don't break them with yourself either, but take some time and discover what you like.
[00:39:44] On your own, giving yourself plenty of time, understanding your own pace, with yourself, right? That'll give you the tools to also guide a partner better. So that's your invitation is to do some butt play with yourself if you are intrigued and interested. And if you're not, that's okay too. You might even just want to start and see if you happen to like the feeling of something on your butt crack if you haven't ever explored that.
[00:40:10] All right, my friends, have fun and I'll talk to you next week.
Hey, if you're curious about how you could have better sex and connections, go grab my free guide, Find Your Secret Turn Ons. It's right on my website, www.laurajurgens. com and the link is in the show notes. I'll see you here next time.