How to Be Sexual Without Accidentally Being Creepy

If you can't figure out why women seem to get turned off by you even though you're a super nice guy -- this episode is for you! We cover how to know if you’re inadvertently creeping out women or turning them off no matter how great a guy you are (and 99% of the people with this issue are cis-gendered hetero men). We'll talk about why that can happen, why it's not your fault (but is something only you can fix), how to stop it, and what’s up if you’re on other end (meaning that you get creeped out or turned off even by wonderful, kind men). 

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Welcome to Sex Help for Smart People. I'm your host, Dr. Laura Jurgens, former science professor turned somatic sexologist and intimacy coach. This podcast is all about helping smart women over 40 and their partners of all genders get the evidence based relationship and intimacy support you need for great sex and connections.

[00:00:19] I'm glad you're here, so let's get at it. Hey, everyone. Welcome to episode 42. We're going to talk today about how to stop being inadvertently creepy, what's going on with that if people that you want to be intimate with seem to be mysteriously turned off, and really, what to do about it. This issue is all about how you handle your sexual energy.

[00:00:46] Now when I say energy, that doesn't mean we have to get all woo about it just because we're talking about energy. I am a scientist and I will be breaking this down as straightforwardly as possible, but I think we'll all be able to see What we're talking about when we talk about energy when we get there.

[00:01:04] We're going to cover how to know if you're inadvertently creepy, what are the sort of symptoms, why that can happen, even if you are the nicest person on the planet, who it tends to happen to, And what's up if you're on the other end? Like, you get creeped out even by people who seem great on paper or are just genuinely lovely human beings to be around, but when it comes to sexuality, you're just turned off by them.

[00:01:31] So why does that happen? And the thing is, this tends to be mostly a problem for heterosexual, cisgendered men and the women who date them. 99. 9 percent of the folks who struggle with inadvertently creeping people out, no matter how wonderful and kind you are, fall into the heterosexual, cisgendered male category.

[00:01:53] I met one woman who did it once, and she was pretty exceptional. It is very rare for women to do this. And here's the thing. It is. totally understandable and doesn't mean there's, there's no fault. It's not your fault. It has to do with how we are socialized from a very young age around our sexuality and then what we do with our sexual energy, the energy of our arousal when it happens.

[00:02:23] And I'm going to explain this and unpack it so that you are not left in the dark trying to figure out why people are not really responding to you well sexually. And so, first off, I'm going to explain what I mean by energy, how it works, If you are a nice guy who can't figure out why women don't respond well to you, this is a very important episode, so stick with me.

[00:02:48] And if you're a woman who can't figure out why you're creeped out by dudes who seem really nice but just give you a giant ick, this will also help you understand your experience. And you may not think you believe in quote unquote energy, but I think you probably do believe in things like vocal tone and body language, right?

[00:03:07] I mean, if you don't believe in that, you're just wrong. So of course it's your right to be wrong, but those things are real and those are some of the big ways we express what is going on inside us, is through vocal tone and body language. And in fact, the vast majority of human communication is actually through body language.

[00:03:27] and vocal tone, not so much the words, the content of the vocabulary that we're saying. So, and there's a bunch of research to back that up. So what's going on inside us that we are not expressing through words really matters to other people. And whether they believe us or not, whether they believe we're sincere and how they respond to us, It really depends on our vocal tone and body language.

[00:03:55] And now look, this is not an invitation to try to somehow act your way. into better manipulating other people while still being full of shit. Like, that's not what we're talking about here. We want you to be as authentic as possible. You don't have to police your vocal tone and body language. You just have to be consistent and real, and then you won't have to worry about policing your vocal tone and body language.

[00:04:20] We want you to be incredibly honest, honest starting with yourself, and then honest with your potential partners. And you may think that's what you're doing. But there are some inadvertent sort of subconscious ways that sexual energy can kind of leak out the sides. So that's what we're going to talk about today.

[00:04:39] We all have this life force energy moving through us, right? Sexual energy is just a different kind of life force energy. And how we handle the sexual aspects of it are what determines if we give off creepy vibes. or confident vibes. And as a scientist, and I'm going to use vibes as that sort of like vocal tone and body language.

[00:05:01] That is what I mean by vibes. I will also just say that, you know, we are all energy beings. We know that, of course, We need energy to survive, to run our metabolisms, right? And I'm just going to leave it at that for now because physics believes in energy, biology and chemistry believe in energy, so I invite you to also understand that you have an energy, right?

[00:05:24] And I think most of us are probably on board. So we have this life force energy and sexuality or eroticism can actually build that energy in our bodies. Even if you've never had words for that, you've probably felt it. So when, imagine a time when you were super turned on, remember how that feels in your body.

[00:05:44] There's a lot of, a lot of extra energy there, right? Even sometimes we describe it as heat, right? Like I feel really hot for this person or I feel really hot right now. It's just like anger actually can build energy. We can feel the energy of like rage or fury. Righteousness. So can arousal. Those are a couple different things that build, tend to build energy in us.

[00:06:10] But the question is how do we deal with that arousal energy? We have a couple of choices. So one. We can let it fill us up for ourselves. We can let it be contained in our own bodies, let it feel enlivening and yummy, and take full responsibility for it. We own it for ourselves. We let it circulate within us.

[00:06:32] We let it be a big, big, you know, yummy kind of delicious energy. When we do that, It tends to make us feel quite attractive actually, magnetic, charismatic even sometimes to other people. Other people experience it comfortably because our energy is contained and it feels like we are on top of it. This is a very, it feels very adult to other people.

[00:07:02] Most of us have zero idea how to do that. And it's actually not that hard, but our society doesn't teach it. And it's something that I had to learn. I was really grateful to learn. And I teach online. all my clients. But you can even just think about letting that energy just be contained in yourself, right?

[00:07:20] And we'll do a little exercise at the end of today like I normally do for you that'll help you get started on that path. Number two in terms of our options for what we do with our sexual energy, right? When we feel aroused is we can actually let it leak out on other people. And this means we start putting the responsibility outside us wanting other people to like assuage our arousal, looking for or seeking for others to deal with it.

[00:07:51] So instead of letting it just fill us up and feeling responsible for it and enjoying our own contained arousal, we are trying to get something from someone else. Namely, usually some sort of sexual servicing. We are seeking other people to do something for us with. That energy to like fix our energy or hold our energy and this is a really common habit for heterosexual men who are often seeking servicing from women and want women to handle their sexual energy for them or subconsciously feel entitled to putting out their sexual energy for women to deal with, even if you're trying to like lock it down in it.

[00:08:34] Sometimes almost even more if you're trying to like lock down your sexual energy, it'll kind of leak out the side. And this is what I mean by When I say leaking sexual energy, it is, I want to be really clear that it is not your fault and you are not a bad person for doing this. Even though it's not helping you in the world and it's, and you need, you do need to learn how not to do it if you want to not creep people out.

[00:09:01] But it's also really understandable because you are not taught how to contain it or expected to really in society until now anyway. So the third option of what we can do with our arousal energy. Our sexual energy is to stifle or bury it. And, This is what, sometimes men think that's what they're doing and they try to do that, but you are not socialized like girls are.

[00:09:27] Girls are socialized to do it really effectively and hard because we are actively discouraged from even having overt sexual energy. We're told it's slutty and shameful and dangerous. to even be a sexual being. We're told that from a very young age. So we have a habit from early on in life of locking it down and not even letting ourselves feel it.

[00:09:55] Whereas men will sometimes try to kind of lock it down from getting out, but you do let yourself feel it. You let yourself have sexual energy. A lot of women don't even know how to access theirs. We have learned to shut it down so well that many of us can't even find it. So our task is very different and we're not going to talk about that so much today.

[00:10:15] I invite you to reach out to me if you are a woman and want to, want to experience this and we'll cover this a little bit more. I kind of cover it throughout this podcast in little bits and pieces. But our task as women is to really find our sexual energy and really let it fill us. And it's really the same skill for men as letting it fill us up and be contained in our own bodies.

[00:10:39] Let it feel enlivening, take responsibility for it, allow it to circulate within us. So the recipe for success is the same regardless of your socialized gender or your current gender. But what happens to people based on how girls and boys are socialized differently by culture is different, right? So today we're focusing on leaking and how it can make even the nicest.

[00:11:08] hottest guy a real turnoff. And I want, I'm giving you this because I want to help you, help you not inadvertently creep people out. It's not because I'm trying to tell you that you are somehow inherently creepy. It is that there is just this thing that really happens that you want to stop doing so that you don't inadvertently drive away people you actually want to attract.

[00:11:31] Alright, so there's two ways to leak sexual energy. Overtly and covertly. So some men are pretty overt about it, and they may not know specifically what they're doing, like I am leaking sexual energy on purpose, but they make zero effort to hide their entitlement to putting their sexual energy out on women.

[00:11:54] And these are the overt creeps, the sexual harassers, the sleazy dudes, the ones who stare at your boobs when they're talking to you. They are usually. in the minority, although there's way too many of them, and they are pretty easy to spot. They feel overtly predatory and they feel entitled to do that. And it's kind of like aggressive, right?

[00:12:18] It's definitely aggressive. And this is what the good hetero men of the world are trying so hard not to do and not to be, right? Y'all see these guys too. We all see them. And Good men are trying really hard not to be those people, but unfortunately, really kind hearted men often fall into the leaking sexual energy habit too, simply from a lack of awareness because nobody's ever given you these tools.

[00:12:50] And also because you're trying so hard not to be predatory that you wind up trying to deny your sexual energy, but it's still there. So it comes out kind of sideways and you still have a subconscious socialization, again, not through your fault, but it's time to, to notice it, right? The subconscious socialization that female bodied people are supposed to serve male bodied people's sexual needs.

[00:13:20] That is what society tells us. So even if you don't believe it intellectually, even if you think completely the opposite intellectually, there is still that ingrained socialization. So what happens is these Wonderful, well meaning people are secretly leaking sexual energy, don't know it, and can't figure out why women are pulling away.

[00:13:42] And women are confused because on the surface, this guy is great. He's totally awesome. And yet, I have the ick, right? And then we're like, why do I have the ick for this super nice guy? This kind hearted man. So it's because all of this is happening under the surface. So we want to bring awareness to it.

[00:14:03] And really, like, help bring some tools here, okay? So that sense of sort of subtle, leaking sexual energy, somebody's like, I can't put a finger on it, but I just am not turned on, right? And it tends to feel on the, if you can even put a finger on it as a woman, it kind of tends to feel a little almost like childish.

[00:14:31] And it's because of this socialized message around women needing to caretake men sexually. It's this subconscious assumption. And it's also due to the fact that men just don't know what else to do with that energy. They don't know how to circulate it inside. If this is you and you are one of these guys, you will know because women keep putting you in the friend zone.

[00:14:53] They keep saying you're a great guy, but they don't actually want to date you. Or you get a little ways into a relationship, she's really trying to date a nice guy and then she bails. And even though you are kind, respectful, stable, you take good care of yourself, you have good hygiene, she's still gone.

[00:15:13] And if you're a woman dating these guys, you have experienced really liking someone and then just feeling kind of turned off for what seems like no reason. And you're like, what is wrong with me? Or, if you do notice something, it's kind of a feeling that he's a teenager or a child you are supposed to caretake.

[00:15:32] That you have to feel, it's a feeling like you have to be more responsible for everything kind of than you'd like. And that's what happens when you're feeling that leaky sexual energy that wants you to caretake it. It's almost like some sort of like sexual baby vibe which no wonder, right? It feels icky.

[00:15:50] Of course, that feels icky. Here is one area. This is a thing your therapist is never going to be able to help you with. I'm just going to be honest about that. Most of them don't know anything about this and won't actually ever give you feedback or let you practice with them to see if you actually are leaking sexual energy and how that feels.

[00:16:14] I work with male clients about this all the time. Many other Somatica coaches do also and teach. them how to contain the sexual energy, allow it to fill you up, help you feel more confident and alive, and I actually give you feedback in practice with me so that you know that you're not leaking anymore, you know you're not doing it, and you know for sure you're not giving creep vibes, and instead you get to come across as sexy and confident by containing that sexual energy for yourself.

[00:16:45] If you really want that and think you might be one of those folks, let me know. Or you're in a relationship with one. This is really good news that it can be solved. So there are people, like me and other Somatica coaches, who can do a diagnostic consultation with you, see if that's what's going on, and I can usually tell super fast.

[00:17:04] So that is really good news. That's really awesome news. This is totally solvable. So today, what I want to leave you with is just the beginning exercise that is the practice of allowing aroused energy to fill you and then see if you can allow it to be there. So let yourself actually get turned on. See if you can notice how that energy feels and see if you can just let it circulate in your body.

[00:17:33] Let yourself fill up with it. Keep your eyes closed. Keep them relaxed. Back in your head. One of the things that can kind of happen with leaking sexual energy is that you can get this really intense gaze out on your partner. The objects that you are attracted to, the human objects that you are attracted to, object of your desire.

[00:17:51] So relax your eyes, just breathe with the energy, and let it be okay that it's there. Let it be no one else's job to do anything about it or for you, and see if you notice any desire to sort of jump out of your body into seeking a partner, into porn, into fantasy, into some sort of relief for this energy.

[00:18:16] Like if it feels intolerable to just allow yourself to fill up with arousal energy and just kind of befriend it. Let it be there for you. Let it fill, fill you up and feel delicious. So practice that and see how that goes for you. That could be really challenging. And there's some, you know, this is not a one and done.

[00:18:34] It's not going to be fixed in one podcast, but it will. get you started on the right road. And hopefully this gives you some new awareness and language around why sexual energy is important, how we deal with it, how gender socialization impacts how we deal with it, and then when we are socialized differently than the people we're dating, which happens especially for heterosexual couples or in heterosexual partnerships with queer people.

[00:19:04] So when you are socialized differently by gender than the person you are dating, it can be really important to unpack how you deal with sexual energy differently and how it feels to the other person, right? So I hope this has been helpful. I wish you lots of yummy life force energy enjoyment in your bodies this week.

[00:19:25] Whatever else you are dealing with this week, and many of us are dealing with a lot, see if you can let the pleasure of your own sexual energy be a resource for you and feel really delicious to you. Alright, have fun. I'll see you here next week. Hey, if you're curious about how you can have better sex and connections, go grab my free guide, Find Your Secret Turn Ons.

[00:19:49] It's right on my website, www. laurajurgens. com, and the link is in the show notes. I'll see you here next time.