Pleasure & Connection Self-Assessment & Making Pleasure Goals

Ready to be one of the brave, joyful souls who wrings the most pleasure out of this life? I'm going to help you get there. It's December and that means it's the perfect time for some guided reflection: where are you at with your experience of pleasure and connection in your life? Where do you want to be? This episode will walk you through a self-assessment and help you figure out how to set yourself up for a beautiful new year with more pleasure and connection than ever before. 

Get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com.

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Welcome to Sex Help for Smart People. I'm your host, Dr. Laura Jurgens, former science professor turned somatic sexologist and intimacy coach. This podcast is all about helping smart women over 40 and their partners of all genders get the evidence based relationship and intimacy support you need for great sex and connections.

[00:00:19] I'm glad you're here, so let's get at it. Hey everyone, welcome to episode 45. Today we are talking about year end pleasure and connection self assessment. And basically, what about the idea of making really yummy food?

[00:00:44] It is December now, all of a sudden, when it feels like it snuck up on me. It happened really fast. I think I'm recording this on the 1st of December, 2024, and it is the perfect time to be doing a bit of reflection on the past year and looking forward and starting to really think about if you want to have.

[00:01:07] some intentional aims for the coming year. And I'm not a big resolution person because I think the way that mostly shakes out tends to be pretty unhelpful and self sabotaging in a lot of ways, but I am a really big proponent of a kind of looking inward at the end of the year. The days are getting shorter.

[00:01:28] It's getting darker. We kind of naturally turn inward. Also, it's the time of year that my birthday happens, so it tends to make me think about. sort of the past year and think about what I want for myself at this new age. But there's also a real changing of the seasons for a lot of people and kind of a closure in this season in December.

[00:01:52] And so, You know, it's funny, we don't often hear of people making pleasure goals, sex goals, intimacy goals, connection goals, but I really think we should. And I think there is such a wonderful value to doing so. Now obviously I'm biased because this is like the world that I swim in. This is what I do. But I really want to say, you know, I wonder if people.

[00:02:19] Just are thinking, gosh, maybe that's just too luxurious, and I don't want to let myself have that. I think it's too selfish, maybe? But people make a lot of goals that are very self oriented, right? Most of the goals are self oriented, so why not let ourselves have more connection, more pleasure in the process?

[00:02:44] our lives, right? It is luxurious. It is yummy. And you deserve that. You deserve to focus on it. You deserve to invest in it. You deserve to enjoy the shit out of pleasure and connection in your life. And we hear all about people wanting to change their bodies or their self care routines. But what is the point?

[00:03:07] Usually there's it. some sort of idea, right, that we're going to have more joy in a different body, more health and well being, and even more external beauty or more self esteem, as if those things come from anything aesthetic about us. And I, I promise self esteem doesn't. One of the, many of the most miserable, lowest self esteem people are the ones that look like magazine covers.

[00:03:35] That is not true joy, right? They're efforting constantly to try to get approval from others, most, not all of them, but many of them. What we really all want at the end of the day, even if you think the path there is efforting to make yourself look like a magazine cover, and it's not, but what we all really want is to feel good about ourselves, to feel confident, to feel.

[00:04:00] the joy of well being, to feel connected and to feel loved. So, Let's check in and say, how did that go for us in 2024? And let's do it honestly, there is no shame, there is nothing wrong with where you're at. And sometimes being worried about feeling bad about where we're at keeps us from even looking at where we're at and even noticing.

[00:04:28] And we just kind of keep kicking the can down the road, we don't want to see it. But I believe that you are brave enough to take a look at it and hopefully you'll like what you see, but maybe there'll be some places that you want to make some changes. So if we're going to do this sort of, I'm going to challenge you to do a little year end assessment and I'll throw out some questions here for you to get you started.

[00:04:52] But I really suggest that you take some time and a piece of paper and, you know, take yourself out to your favorite coffee shop or go for a walk and. Really think about and reflect on the pleasure and connection that you had this past year. And write it down. How well did you feel connected to your own body's pleasure capacity?

[00:05:16] Did you feel like you were really leaning into what feels good in your body? And was it like a real true body joy? Or was it sort of like a numbing out or buffering kind of thing, right? Because sometimes what we think feels good is like binge watching Netflix and eating an entire pint of ice cream, but our body actually doesn't agree.

[00:05:38] Our body doesn't really feel like six hours on the couch just a huge pint of sugar is really helping, right? So let's be honest with ourselves. Did you feel connected to your own body's real true deep pleasure? The things that really help you feel Did you enjoy being embodied this year, or did you sort of like push through, head down, nose to the grindstone, just like force yourself to get through everything, feeling frantic and busy all year?

[00:06:11] Did you distract or buffer your way through the year because it was too painful to feel your feelings? Or did you really lean into all the really delicious feelings? Did you help yourself process the negative ones and kind of hold your own hand through that? Did you love the shit out of yourself this year?

[00:06:30] I really hope you did. And if not, that might be a place where you might want to put a pin in that and say, Okay, I can do better. next year and I want to be able to say in December 2025 that I really took some big steps and I felt great about myself way more often. And I loved myself when things were hard, way more often, and I celebrated my accomplishments.

[00:06:53] Did you do that this year? Did you give yourself props and like have little dance parties and toot your own horn when you did something amazing? Did you take time for pleasure and self love? And did you masturbate a lot, as much as you wanted? Did you let yourself be greedy with pleasure in your body? Or did you shut yourself down or hold yourself back?

[00:07:17] Did you shut down out of shame? Or was there something else? Did you feel solidly able to communicate your desires and boundaries? Boy is that a deep pleasure. I will tell you, oh my gosh, especially from years of not doing that, being able to do it. Oh, it feels so good. Or, are you kind of playing games and not getting what you really want and need because you're not able to communicate your desires and boundaries?

[00:07:41] And that usually feels like, kind of like ass. It feels like a burden. It is. It's a lot of work and it's exhausting. Are you able to ask for what you want and say what you don't want clearly and kindly? That's essentially the answer. That's the assessment. Are you able to do conflict well so that it brings you closer and so that you're not afraid of it?

[00:08:01] Learning that, I'll tell you, oh my gosh, that is an amazing and beautiful process and it is amazing. And the other side, it is deeply pleasurable when you can actually feel closer after you've had some sort of conflict. So, those are just a few things to get you started on your year end assessment. And I just want to invite you to take some time to reflect, do that pleasure inventory, that connection inventory for yourself.

[00:08:28] And how about we actually make goals for the coming year around moving each of our own needles towards higher levels of these things that feel so good, confidence, self love, body connection. Pleasure, partner connection, receiving and giving love. Those are the things that really matter to humans, right?

[00:08:53] And let's reflect on one, where we're at now, right? That's what, you know, my big challenge for you today is to do that so that you can then really decide what is a good goal for the year ahead. Because good goals are all about stretching ourselves incrementally. And That may be somewhat discomfort, uncomfortable, you know, but it shouldn't be horrible, right?

[00:09:22] Incrementally stretching ourselves, doing things that will really help us take that next step into where we want to be. Yes, it does take some commitment, and often we may need even help, but those goals are reflections of our truest, deepest desires. And they really matter, right? There are a few questions we need to ask to assess where we're at now so that we can set goals well that will set us up for success next year and not be like impossible standards that we use to torture ourselves.

[00:09:54] And that's what I mean. They shouldn't be painful, right? Let's not do that. Let's set Kind incremental goals, let it be as fun, easy, and pleasurable as possible to reach them. And yes, there can be a lot of pleasure and fun in the work that I do. For example, people come into my office and are like, Oh my gosh, we can actually grow in ways that are fun.

[00:10:16] Like we have a good time here. And yes, sometimes it's uncomfortable and there's tears and stuff, but there's also somebody with you through that process. It's not horrible. It's not just painful. And if that's been your only experience of getting help, then I want to say maybe try some different kinds of help.

[00:10:35] Right? Because you want to be giving yourself some incentive to keep coming back and to keep working and growing and getting to new levels of your enjoyment of yourself and your life. And who, nobody's going to want to do that, you're not going to want to keep trying to grow if all growth is really horrible and miserable, right?

[00:10:55] So let's set kind incremental goals. Let's get help that actually feels good, doesn't make us miserable, and at the same time, we're going to accept that it's not going to be a hundred percent comfy process. Because if it was totally comfortable, it would mean we already had all the habits and all the things that we wanted.

[00:11:17] We would already have all that. If it was comfortable, we would have already figured it out. Right? So we do need to stretch, but that's okay. You don't have to stretch past, you know, there's like that point when you're actually stretching a muscle where it feels a little bit uncomfortable, but kind of still really satisfying and good.

[00:11:34] And then there's a point where you're actually hurting yourself. And that's the same kind of deal. We want to stay in the, like, doable slight discomfort, but also feeling really satisfied and like kind of pleasurable in a way. So the key questions to ask ourselves right now at this, this is what I invite for you at the end of this year.

[00:11:58] There's three questions. It's really simple, but they do require a little reflection. So one is, what is it that you really truly want? Some people actually never really ask themselves this in any sort of deep way. And I want to invite you to not be one of those people. I want to invite you to be a person who really does ask yourself, what is it that I really truly want?

[00:12:23] in my life. And, you know, you may want a bunch of stuff you already have and that's great. So let's acknowledge all those things you already have that you really want because that is gratitude and that is just it feels great and it's a good place to want from. It's a place that acknowledges that you already have a lot of stuff that you really want.

[00:12:42] But what is it that you would truly really like to add to all the things that you currently have? Get as specific as possible and make sure you know the emotional want that's underneath. Some goals have pretty simple emotions underneath, like, you know, I want to bench press 130 pounds and the want underneath that is, Pretty simply for me, it's pretty clean.

[00:13:06] It's just desire to feel strong. I like feeling strong and I like feeling proud of my progress. So I like to see a progression. The emotions underneath our goals get much more complex if they involve feelings we want to have or feelings we want to release and experiences with other people. So if my desire is that I want to feel more confident, then maybe the emotional desire there is to really not feel so much shame and self doubt.

[00:13:33] And I need to be honest with myself that that's actually the experience that I'm currently having is, is I just feel like way too much shame and self doubt. So I might tell myself, okay, I actually want to feel more confident. It's important to recognize all of those emotional desires are packaged together.

[00:13:51] If you want to, if your desire is to have better sex with your partner this coming year, what is it specifically that you want to feel? Why? You know we're gonna get to that question next too, but what is the underlying emotion that is driving that? Is it? You wanna feel more free, you wanna feel more connected.

[00:14:10] You wanna feel novelty, you wanna feel sexy, desirable, you wanna feel shameless. Those are all just options. But what is true for you? If you are the thing that you really, truly want to add? to what you have right now, is a new partner this year, then what is the emotional experience you're truly looking for?

[00:14:32] So that brings us to number two. Why do you want it? Do you like your reasons? It's really important to check with yourself before you actually double down on any goals. Check that you really like why you want it and that the goal is actually going to fulfill the desire. So be careful of fantasy goals where the desire doesn't actually match.

[00:14:53] The thing that you're saying you want to achieve. So for example, there's a lot of people who want to quote unquote lose weight or gain weight and their idea is that someone will love them. And if they're really being honest with themselves, they think that they're not lovable in their current state, but weight and love are actually not related.

[00:15:14] So you have to be really careful about your brain telling you things that aren't true. So for example, other people might say, well, I want a partner. And the reason why is because I don't want to ever feel lonely again. But actually, you're always, like, people feel lonely even with partners. Having a partner doesn't guarantee that you're never going to feel lonely again.

[00:15:35] So you want to make sure that your goal actually fits the desire and that it's something realistic. Never feeling a certain feeling again is not a realistic goal because you're a human being. There is no off ramp from the human experience. Feelings you will encounter them, you will encounter them when you least expect them, right?

[00:15:57] We can encounter loneliness in all kinds of moments, but you may feel less lonely. If you have, maybe you want more friends this year and you want to feel less disconnected from people, that's, yeah, it is reasonable to think that having more intimate connections, especially if you know how to create more intimacy with friends or with new partners, if you know how to create that and really be seen and show up as yourself and really forge deep connections, yeah, you probably will feel less lonely.

[00:16:28] So just check and make sure that it's, yeah. Those things match. And be careful of goals where you don't love your reasons. So if your reason is because I think I should, or because my sister does, or because my mom thinks I should, or whatever, Then, or if the reasons are to impress someone else or because you think someone will like you or love you more if you do, then you're really setting yourself up for these like conditional successes that are conditional on someone else's feelings of approval towards you.

[00:17:00] So just be careful. See if you can find goals that are for you. All right, so number one was what do you actually want in addition to what you currently have? Number two is why do you want it? And number three is just where are you at now? What is your current level of satisfaction or achievement of the thing you want?

[00:17:20] Are you starting from scratch? Are you just getting started? thinking you're starting from scratch, but you're not really starting from scratch. Try to be really honest. Some people tend to look through the lens of lack where they think, I don't have any of this thing. And actually they do have a bunch of it, but thinking they don't have any of it, like I have no friends, right?

[00:17:41] But they're actually not paying attention to the connections that they do have. And, that makes it so much harder to achieve the goal. Some people are actually just not aware of That, you know, that they have achieved some of these things. So really assess where are you at right now? Some people are so afraid of admitting to themselves that they don't have any of it that they don't even want to answer this question.

[00:18:07] So just check and see if you can be brave enough to give yourself an honest assessment of your current level of fulfillment, because that'll help you set up a realistic incremental goal to get there. Okay, so this is super simple, right? What, why, where? And I really want to encourage you to have self love goals, connection goals, pleasure goals.

[00:18:29] What a wonderful gift to yourself at this time next year to have spent some of your energy and intention next year, really giving yourself a shift. moving your own needle in pleasure and connection. No one on their deathbed wishes they spent more time trying to look perfect for other people, or even that they made more money.

[00:18:51] People universally report that they wish they had more connection, that they hadn't wasted so much time not approving of themselves, that they hadn't wasted so much time not, you know, That feeling good, that they hadn't wasted so much time trying to follow rules that other people set down and not enjoying their bodies.

[00:19:11] So let's do that stuff now while we can, right? And I'm here to help if you decide you want help along the way. But the first step is always, always you. You deciding that you deserve to feel better, you deciding that you deserve more pleasure, you deciding to discover what you really want and what you desire.

[00:19:33] You deciding you deserve to know how to communicate your wants and needs. You deciding your own vision for yourself. And then when you do that, in my experience, the guides and the help that you need will sort of show up for you. I know it sounds really woo, but it just sort of happens. And it might be just because you've decided the thing, so now you actually notice the help that's available.

[00:19:57] for you, right? But there's also some subconscious seeking that happens, right? You start sort of seeking it out. You start being receptive to those things. You start seeing those resources where you didn't see them before. So it doesn't even have to be, I mean, maybe some of it's woo. I kind of like to think that the universe aligns itself to do that.

[00:20:16] But a lot of it's also just basic, you know, cognitive biases, right? If we start identifying that we want something, we actually start. subconsciously seeking it out, that our brains are pattern seeking machines. So the guides will come to help you once you decide what you want. And if you, you know, if you feel like I'm one of them, you will know, and you'll reach out to me when you're ready.

[00:20:39] And if you feel like you need something else, you may reach out and see if I know anybody who can do those things. That's also totally valid, right? Use your network. Use the people that you're And the resources around you to identify what it is that you think is your next step. But I really do encourage you to think about, instead of these sort of superficial goals or even just sort of like generic health and wellness goals that people think are going to make them feel better, like really what is going to bring you more pleasure?

[00:21:13] What is going to feel, fill up your heart? What is going to feel delicious to you in the coming year? What could you give yourself for this time next year to celebrate? All right, my friends, I'll see her next week. Hey, if you're curious about how you could have better sex and connections, go grab my free guide.

[00:21:34] Find Your Secret Turnons. It's right on my website, www.laurajurgens.com, and the link is in the show notes. I'll see you here next time.