When You're Bummed That You Have to ASK...

It's common for people to feel upset and disappointed about having to ask for what you want. This is especially true if you believe you shouldn’t have to ask, and that your partner should "just know" what to do for you (whether that's in bed, in flirting, foreplay communication, or romantic gestures). After all, we see that played out in movies and TV all the time: the magic intuiting of the partner's needs. 

But while it's common to think "they should just know," it also tends to make you feel awful, creates distance and resentment in your relationship, and doesn't help you get what you want.

Tune in to this episode to find out how to free yourself from this belief system and get more of what you're craving.

Get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Welcome to Sex Help for Smart People. I'm your host, Dr. Laura Jurgens, former science professor turned somatic sexologist and intimacy coach. This podcast is all about helping smart women over 40 and their partners of all genders get the evidence based relationship and intimacy support you need for great sex and connections.

[00:00:19] I'm glad you're here, so let's get at it. Hey, welcome to episode 46, lovely, lovely humans. I am so glad you're here. We are talking today about that idea, I shouldn't have to ask, dot, dot, dot. And look, this is so common. Being bummed about having to ask, believing that you shouldn't have to. It is very common, but it's also unfortunately not that helpful for getting what you want.

[00:00:51] So we're going to dive into this and unpack it a little bit today. And I'm going to talk a little bit about how it applies to my birthday, which is coming up next week. So here are some things I hear all the time. And I've even thought some of these myself in the past. They should just know. Or, I shouldn't have to ask.

[00:01:13] Or, here's a fun one, if I have to ask, then it's not sexy. Or, the other version of that, if I have to ask, then it doesn't count. By count, usually people mean like, I don't get to let it feel good. I don't get to let it feel like they care about me. only things that they do naturally without actually thinking on purpose about doing something for me or actually trying to respond to something I've asked for.

[00:01:41] Those are the only things that count, that I let feel good. So this is kind of a Bummer. Right? If we are thinking our partners or people around us have to intuit what we want magically in order for it to matter, or in order for it to be attractive, or in order for it to feel good to us, it really keeps us stuck and limited.

[00:02:07] It's breadcrumbs they're giving us, and also, you know, it keeps us from noticing the things that they do, that maybe They think are going to make us feel great, but don't. So we also might miss some of the stuff that they are giving us because we're waiting for that special thing that we hope they're going to somehow magically intuit.

[00:02:28] So basically it's just a lot more unhappiness than we need to have in life, often a lot more resentment also, and it can lead to some covert manipulation andJurgens you know, passive aggression and all that kind of fun stuff, which doesn't usually bring people closer. So while this is really common, I want to say it is also totally optional.

[00:02:52] If you feel this way, it's because you are thinking this way. And you do not have to think that way. And in fact, I'm going to tell you how at the end of the episode and why you might want to consider not thinking that way for you so that you get more of what you want. All right, so people tend, a lot of people are on this train, the I shouldn't have to ask or they should just know train about literally all kinds of stuff in relationships.

[00:03:20] So you, you might've heard, they should just know how I like to be touched. They should just know what turns me on. They should just know how to flirt with me in a way that feels great to me. I shouldn't have to ask. about how I want my body touched, right? They should just know how I like to be kissed, for how long, with how much tongue, and where I want that tongue, right?

[00:03:47] They should know that I like this kind of nibbling, but not that kind of nibbling. They should know what to do for my birthday. That's a big one. Right? Common, happens all the time. They should know how to make me feel loved with me not having to ask. There are a million examples, but they all boil down to this desire to have the other person magically intuit what we want and need.

[00:04:15] And the problem is that people don't just know. They don't magically intuit most of the time. And there is not another partner out there who can read your mind better than the partner you have right now. There may be partners out there who can do other things better than the partner that you do right now, but look, nobody can read your mind.

[00:04:39] And it's really important to notice that there is an inner child in all of us. A little infant, baby, baby, who wants people to magically intuit what we need. And that is okay. It's okay to have that desire, but it's also okay to recognize that it's an inner child who's not going to actually be getting that from other adults in the world.

[00:05:04] And to process that disappointment and allow yourself to be disappointed, allow that little inner child to realize that the ship has sailed. on the level of parental care. You are not going to get that from other adults in the world now as an adult. And it sucks. There is a part of that that sucks, right?

[00:05:24] But there's also a lot of really beautiful options for getting what you want from people. And letting them know how best to love you, and how best to care for you, and how best to touch you, and how best to kiss you, and what, what to do for your birthday, and all that stuff. The more you actually embrace that letting people know is awesome, you will feel better and you will get more of what you really want.

[00:05:51] That little inner child, that little inner infant, you know, when we're baby babies, we really do need our parents to intuit what we need. And even then, It's really hard for them. I mean, have you ever seen a screaming baby where you just like could not figure out what this fucking child wanted? You're like, I've tried everything.

[00:06:11] I have bounced you. I have swaddled you. I have sang to you. I have fed you. I have burped you. You know, I have changed your diaper. What the fuck do you want? Right? Like sometimes parents just like cannot figure it out and the baby is still upset, but they try all these different things. And really just want someone.

[00:06:30] to try every single possible thing to make us happy. But to be honest, it's really, it's one, it's not going to happen and two, it's not really reasonable to expect that from a partner. They are not your parent and you are not a baby, right? So we have to kind of deal with the disappointment of that and recognize that at the end of the day, the root issue here in expecting that people will just intuit what you want.

[00:07:01] is that you are not recognizing that people are different from you. You are a unique being with unique wants and desires. Other people are different from you. They have different life experiences, they have different wounds, they have different needs and preferences, they have different minds, and they have different bodies.

[00:07:24] And so they don't actually know already. what it is that you want. So for example, my birthday is next week. I've had a lot of like bad birthday experiences in my life as a child, and Yeah, there was, it was not good. It was not good. So I can, I can get a little sensitive around my birthday. And what I really, really want is I just want a little bit of attention.

[00:07:52] I want a little bit of connection with people who love me. All I want from people on my birthday is a little bit of attention. So I have invited people to I've got a little gym crew that I love to work out with and I've invited them to go out to brunch with me. And I literally said to people this year, and this was hard and vulnerable to me, I was like, Can we go out to brunch after we go to the gym?

[00:08:17] And if you can't come, will you please just say that you can't come and don't stand me up because that will feel really bad to me. Just let me know that you can't come or that you don't want to, that's fine. But if I'm hoping and inviting people and expecting them to come and then they say they're going to and then they don't, then I will feel really bad and rejected.

[00:08:41] Even though it was really hard and vulnerable, I know for me that that is the truth. That I will feel sad and really rejected if someone says they don't, they're gonna come and then they don't show up. It feels like this, this sort of shunning experience that I had as a kid. So I asked for them not to do that.

[00:09:04] It is not easy and it wasn't, it was very vulnerable. But the reason that I have to ask is because not everybody has shitty birthday experiences where they got shunned by a bunch of girls and locked in a closet on their own birthday party in their own closet, right? Not everybody has that experience.

[00:09:23] They're not sensitive about it in the same way. They might be like, Oh yeah, totally. I'll totally come. And they're going to make every effort to come. And then maybe one of their kids gets sick or like, you know, I mean, if that happens, I totally still understand. maybe like all of a sudden it's like, Oh no, I was really trying.

[00:09:39] But to be honest, I really kind of knew I had to work. Jurgensand I really, it was going to be hard for me to do it. And so they're hoping they can come, they're committing, even though they are not a hundred percent sure. And then they back out and they're not realizing how that's going to actually feel to me.

[00:09:55] Right. So by me saying, I would rather you just not say yes, if you're not a hundred percent yes, that lets them know what I need. and lets them know that, oh, I could do, that would be how I should care for her, right? All right, so they have different experiences than me, and I need to respect that if I want to get what I want, right?

[00:10:21] That they may not, like, intend to hurt me by standing me up for my birthday at all. And I don't need to assume that they should just know. Okay, so, for you. If you have this idea in your head where you are thinking this person should just know what to do for me so that I feel loved, or they should just know what turns me on, or they should just know how I like to be kissed or touched, whatever it is, or like if I have to tell them it's somehow like not sexy anymore.

[00:10:57] The only person that is being harmed by that, well the other person might be a little bit too because you're not actually telling them what you need and you're probably going to wind up feeling resentful and that's not super fair to them. But the person who's really harmed by that is you. That thinking is keeping you feeling shitty.

[00:11:18] You're feeling like someone is intentionally withholding from you or intentionally not doing something that would feel good to you. Because you're assuming that they're just like you, that they understand what would feel good to you. And the key thing is, that because everybody is so different, they don't know.

[00:11:39] They just don't know. And they might like to know. They might really like to know. Chances are, if they care about you, they actually really want to know what would feel good to you. So, this is where you can be bummed that they can't intuit it, of course. It's okay for that to be disappointing. And, of course, there's probably part of you that doesn't want to know.

[00:12:01] to have to learn how to ask or explain. And it might be that part also is kind of feeling a little lazy, doesn't want to do the work. And you can be disappointed about the fact that you might have to do a little work. But if you actually want to get what you want and give your partner a chance to know and learn how to care for you, then it's time to learn how to ask and to stop thinking that they should magically just know.

[00:12:28] So you can learn to think differently. You can intentionally decide that it's actually wonderful and lovely and even more giving on their part if they are responding to a desire of yours. Because not only are they going to give you the thing, but they're going to do it because you asked, because they care about you.

[00:12:53] what you asked for, even when it doesn't come naturally to them and it's not intuitive to them. Wow, that is an amazing gift. That is like going above and beyond, right? This doesn't come naturally to me and I'm going to do it anyway because you asked, because I care about you. How amazing and extra yummy.

[00:13:16] So you could choose to think that and you will get to then feel way more special. and way better about that gift that they're giving you. So remember how I said in the beginning that believing your thoughts that someone should just know without you asking is optional. So the way we think about things is what generates our feelings about them.

[00:13:40] And so it's really important to try to remember that your thoughts are optional. I can choose to think everybody hates me, for example, and I will feel awful. I will feel like everybody fucking hates me, and that will be horrible, and I will feel horrible about myself. I, it's not that useful to think that way, right?

[00:14:00] And there's no objective reality. There is no objective truth that everybody hates me, and there's no objective truth that everybody loves me. But which one feels better? It feels way better to think that at least a lot of people might like me, right? That feels way better. So I'm going to choose that. So in this case, choosing to believe that someone, quote unquote, should just know, there is no objective truth to that, that they should magically be able to just know what you want, right?

[00:14:33] And read your mind. It's not doing you very much good. It's not making you feel better. So, that is a case where you might want to choose to believe something different. This is not the same as choosing to believe that, you know, the earth is flat, okay? Not at all. But there is no objective truth that someone should just magically be able to read your mind, right?

[00:14:55] So choose the thing that feels better. You can choose to believe instead that it's okay if people can't read your mind. And it's actually really lovely. to get something when you've asked for it. Like, Oh, this is what I want. And then the person gives it to you. It's like saying, Oh, I really want this particular fancy kind of cake that I saw them bake on the grape on the bake off or whatever.

[00:15:24] Right. And then somebody makes it for you. Oh my God, that's amazing. Right. That's even better than if they just happened to make the cake that you want, because they knew that you wanted it. So consider choosing to believe on purpose that it's okay that people can't read your mind and it's okay to ask for what you want and it's even better to receive it that way.

[00:15:51] And what you got to do in order to change from your fixed thinking that you had before to a new way of thinking is you have to practice. That's how we take advantage of. What's called neuroplasticity in the brain, the ability of the brain to create new thought pathways and to start believing new things.

[00:16:12] We have to actually train it and practice it. That's what will connect those new neurons, those new neural pathways. So that means literally putting reminders on your phone, putting post it notes all over your house, having things that remind you And the little statements that say, Hey, it's okay that people can't read my mind.

[00:16:33] Or it's okay for me to ask for what I want. Or it's actually great if somebody gives me something because I asked. Right? Come up with some phrases that actually feel good to you and help you. And then put those reminders all around you in some way that you're going to encounter them a lot and be able to remind yourself on a regular basis that you are choosing to believe this now.

[00:16:59] Do you need to practice that thinking until you believe it and reach out if you need help, , of course. Jurgenswhich reminds me, actually, I have two spots open for new clients online right now, and I'm offering a special discount on packages through the end of the year. So jump on that if you want coaching, if you've been sitting on the fence, now's the time to get your ass off the fence and get going on your pleasure goals.

[00:17:21] Those discounts actually also apply to weekend in person retreats that we are restarting now for individuals and couples now that Asheville is back to being a lovely place to visit. So if you want to do a free consult, if you want to see if we're a good fit for getting you where you want to be, Now is a really good time and you can just reach out to me at laura at laurajurgens. com l a u r a at l a u r a j u r g e n s. com if you want to schedule a consult or if you want to just wish me a happy birthday. That's welcome too. I hope you have a great week and I'll see you here next time. 

[00:18:01] Hey, if you're curious about how you could have better sex and connections, go grab my free guide, Find Your Secret Turn Ons.

[00:18:08] It's right on my website, www.laurajurgens.com and the link is in the show notes. I'll see you here next time.