Rethinking Conflict: How Conflict Avoidance Undermines Relationships & What To Do Instead

Conflict is inevitable in close relationships. Doing it well is key to feeling confident, connected, seen, and safe. Many people avoid conflict, or let their default strategies overwhelm them in unhelpful ways. This episode will help you learn to stop avoding necessary conflict and instead use it to get closer and solve problems together. 

Conflict isn’t bad in itself – in fact, it’s really important for intimacy. It is doing conflict badly that is a problem.  I was absolutely terrible at conflict, but I learned and it totally changed my life. You can learn too. I'll walk you through how. 

Click the link below to register for the ROCKING RELATIONSHIP REPAIR Workshop January 24, 2025 with the special code PODFAN to get a $25 ticket!
 
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/rocking-relationship-repair-tickets-1120149891479?aff=oddtdtcreator

Get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Transcript

GO HERE to register for the ROCKING RELATIONSHIP REPAIR Workshop January 24, 2025 with the special code PODFAN to get a $25 ticket! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/rocking-relationship-repair-tickets-1120149891479?aff=oddtdtcreator

[00:00:00] Welcome to Sex Help for Smart People. I'm your host, Dr. Laura Jurgens, former science professor turned somatic sexologist and intimacy coach. This podcast is all about helping smart women over 40 and their partners of all genders get the evidence based relationship and intimacy support you need for great sex and connections.

[00:00:19] I'm glad you're here, so let's get at it. Hey friends, welcome to episode 48. I am so glad you're here. Today, we are talking all about doing conflict better and why you might want to stop avoiding it altogether. And I just want to say before that that I had a very lovely birthday. I had some friends show up for my brunch.

[00:00:45] My partner took me out to a really nice dinner. I had some great birthday sex. I just had a really nice day. And some of my clients wished me happy birthday. And even gave me little gifties, which was super sweet. So I'm just really glad that I learned how to ask for what I need and tell people even that it is my birthday, right?

[00:01:08] Just telling people what we need and what is different about us. And that's kind of what we're going to talk about today too. Sometimes we don't think about conflict as really being about who we are and our need to be seen and understood, but that's really at the end of the day what it is about. Okay.

[00:01:29] And for those of you who are wondering how we're doing here in Asheville, it is slowly, look, we are slowly recovering. It is a going to be a very many year long process. And we are saddened by a lot of businesses closing and some and very heartened by a lot of businesses that are reopening and just everybody's kind of pulling together trying to support our local community.

[00:01:54] community businesses through the holidays, which has just been really beautiful to participate in and be a part of. So send Asheville some love. I'm super happy that my new office has opened. I love my new office and my clients all love coming to my new office, which is great and way better than my old office that was demolished after the hurricane.

[00:02:18] So we are in a great new space, but Also, we are in the River Arts District, which was really severely impacted. So we are able to go out to lunch and get coffee and all kinds of those things in places that are supporting local businesses. So just think of us in this next year, if you've never checked out art or thought about coming to Asheville or checked out art from Asheville.

[00:02:46] This is a really good year to support small businesses like mine and like many others in Asheville. All right, so today we are talking about conflict avoidance and doing conflict better. How to have healthy conflict and why you really want to get better at this. Conflict is not bad, in itself. And in fact, it's really important for intimacy.

[00:03:11] And I know this is a hot take, that most of you don't ever hear, but bear with me and I'm going to explain myself. And I hope you will come to see this too, because conflict is actually a gift for intimacy. It is doing conflict badly. That is the problem. I think most of us can agree that doing conflict badly is a problem, right?

[00:03:32] And many people avoid conflict altogether as much as possible, or they think they do. Because the only way they know how to deal with conflict is badly. And I was totally one of them. So, full disclosure, I was absolutely terrible at conflict until about four years ago. And now, I would consider myself really good at it.

[00:04:01] So, I just want to let you know, if you are also, awful at this. If you avoid conflict altogether, if you try not to have any needs and desires so that they couldn't possibly conflict with someone else's, or if you don't know how to do anything but sort of like lash out or run away or any of those things, I got you.

[00:04:20] It is okay and there is absolutely hope for you. And this is the best superpower for relationship connection and intimacy I have ever learned. Ever, in my life. Period. Full stop. I feel like a magical unicorn now that I know how to do conflict, and my relationships are literally leaps and bounds better. I feel so much safer in my connections with people.

[00:04:53] I feel so much more confident, and it doesn't mean that it's not still kind of a little bit scary to have differences. with people, especially if they kind of blow up into hurt feelings, right? But I know how to deal with that and I know how to repair and it is the most relaxing, wonderful thing I have literally ever learned in my life to help me not feel lonely or isolated or rejected or any of those feelings that humans have a really hard time dealing with.

[00:05:26] So I want this for you. so badly. I want you to be great at conflict. I want this for you more than I want like almost anything else because I know how life changing it is. It is not super easy and we are not going to fix it all in this one podcast, but I'm going to give you some tools if you want to.

[00:05:47] And hopefully a fresh perspective that really helps you feel calmer and more capable about learning the processes of getting better at conflict and just about entering in and just having conflict. I want to help you relax about having conflict. So, I was terrible at conflict. As I've said, I had a very bad start in life for modeling how to do conflict.

[00:06:14] My mother is a giant narcissist, like super bad. So she screams, gets violent, shames, blames, name calls, abandons, like literally left me on the side of the road. Passive aggression and actual aggression, both are totally on the table, uses ultimatums, uses threats, literally. all of the bad things to do. She does them.

[00:06:38] So I did not learn how to do conflict well, and I was absolutely terrified that anyone I cared about would be mad at me. So terrified that I tried to ignore my own needs and desires. I didn't even know how terrified I was because I was really dissociated about it. I did not want to be a burden, and I didn't feel safe with conflict.

[00:07:05] And this was all true until it wasn't, until I learned how to do conflict well. And it was hard for me because I was really scared, but it actually, it absolutely changed my life and all my relationships for the better. Because the end. Truth is, there is always going to be conflict, and it is not actually a bad thing.

[00:07:28] The closer your relationship is, which is a good thing, the more likely there is to be conflict, because you are in close proximity to each other in terms of time and intimacy, and that is not bad. If you are convinced that all conflict is bad, I just want to invite you to Suspend your conviction for a moment and Well, as long as this podcast lasts.

[00:07:58] Keep an open mind just for to this period of time. And just put your little disbelief over in a basket and stick it on the side because I'm going to try to convince you today that there is a giant gift of intimacy within conflict. And I think part of it is going to come down to our definition of what conflict is.

[00:08:19] So just let me define it and we'll see if you still agree that it's all bad. And here's the thing, with anyone you care about, you are different people. And that is a good thing. That is interesting. That makes life interesting. If everybody was the exact same as you, it would be really fucking boring.

[00:08:37] There's going to be conflicting needs, misunderstandings, and disagreements, right? You know this. Because you're different people, right? So there's going to be differences. Those differences don't have to be a problem. Those differences are what we call conflict. There are places where there is disagreement, misunderstanding, either hurt feels or just the potential for hurt feels.

[00:09:05] Conflict doesn't mean the same thing as fighting or even hurting. arguing. It simply means there are opposing viewpoints, different wants, desires, needs, or perspectives. That is all we mean by something being in conflict. And it is okay. It is actually awesome because it is interesting and it gives us a chance to learn about each other.

[00:09:30] And this is why we have, like, plot intrigue in books and movies and plays. We need that. Conflict. We need those differences. We need those challenges of understanding each other because it gives life interest. Differences are what are interesting. So if you identify as someone who is conflict averse, chances are that you equate conflict with fighting, like I used to.

[00:09:56] or something scary. Even if you don't identify as someone who is conflict averse, chances are you didn't learn explicitly how to do conflict really well, and or your partner didn't learn that too. Most of us haven't learned it. If you did, oh my gosh, congratulations, I am so happy for you and I want to send a gift basket to your parents.

[00:10:21] But most of us didn't learn how to do this really well. And if you haven't figured it out together yet with your partner, if you have one, or whoever it is that you're in close relationship with, because this applies to all those family relationships, friendships, all kinds of things, kids. This is really impacting your relationship in subtle ways if you don't know how to do conflict well.

[00:10:48] And also often really overt ways, right, that we pretend are subtle because we are trying to pretend they don't exist. But conflict avoidance and doing conflict badly are the problems. They are not the solutions. It's not the actual differences themselves that you have. So I'm just going to repeat that.

[00:11:06] It's not having conflicting desires, needs, or perspectives that is the problem. It is how you manage or avoid dealing with those differences that is the problem. So some crappy ways to deal with conflict, which are what most of us use by default, are avoidance, ignoring. It, or the person, right, blaming, shaming, passive aggression, and things like snipping about other things, right, I would put into that category, emotional outbursts, aggression, and ultimatums.

[00:11:45] Those are just some examples of crappy ways to deal with conflict that most of us do by default. A common symptom of conflict avoidance is that sort of snipping at each other and oftentimes we don't like ourselves very much for it. And that's a really common symptom too. So you find yourself feeling guilty because you have little outbursts or little unkind comments or just not being very understanding or patient or ignoring the person or not listening to them.

[00:12:14] Those are all symptoms of conflict avoidance that oftentimes we kind of know we do, we don't really feel very good about, but we're actually avoiding even noticing that we're doing it and that we feel bad about it. That's how in avoidance we are. So today I want to de shame this. I want to open this up and just invite you to not feel shitty about yourself about this because this is what most people are doing.

[00:12:38] It just is an invitation to get better at it because it will enrich your relationships and you will just feel better. You will feel better about yourself and you will feel more comfortable in your partnerships, you will feel more comfortable in your friendships and your family relationships. You will just feel more confident as a person walking through the world and less insecure.

[00:13:02] A big part of confidence is knowing that it's okay for you to fuck up because you know how to fix it. And that is one of the things that learning how to do conflict gave me, is you. I don't have to be so hyper vigilant that I'm trying to be perfect all the time because I actually know how to fix things if I screw something up or hurt somebody's feelings.

[00:13:25] And that feels pretty amazing. Okay, so there's those symptoms of conflict avoidance, right? And being conflict avoidant. Sometimes people have this, Hilarious idea. I think it's kind of hilarious when we actually think about it, and you might too, but sometimes we think when we are conflict avoidant that it is making us, it's because we are kind.

[00:13:51] That's like literally cracking up. It is not kind to be conflict avoidant, okay? There's often an underlying conflict that really needs to happen, a difference that you really. are avoiding and it winds up simmering inside you and you pretend the other person can't tell there's something wrong, which also makes them feel a bit crazy.

[00:14:16] Because they're actually noticing that you have some sort of unspoken beef, but you haven't used words to describe it. And so they feel a little bit nuts that they're picking up something that's wrong, right? With all of those nonverbal cues that humans have. Now look, if you both do this, which is really common for couples, where we both have this sort of like, oh, we're being kind by pretending that there's not a problem here.

[00:14:42] We have two people now failing to be honest, even with themselves. It poisons your connection. It creates all this underlying resentment. And we want the other person to act as if it's all okay, because we want them to believe our own little. You know, trying to pull the wool over their eyes that there's nothing wrong.

[00:15:01] This is not a recipe for true connection, for authentic joy, for peace, or for sexiness, right? And so I just want to say let's all just notice that we all do it. We all do it to some extent. And it's not helping. It doesn't mean we're going to stop magically, but we might not want to continue fooling ourselves by telling ourselves that it's somehow being kind.

[00:15:28] What that is, is just a recipe for resentment and the other major symptom of conflict avoidance is resentment. And you may or may not notice it because sometimes we try to fool ourselves into thinking we aren't actually resentful or that it's only our problem and our partner can't tell. It is never just your problem.

[00:15:49] in a relationship. Sometimes resentment comes out in all kinds of ways, you know, that snipping is one way, but it can also just be eroding your connection or causing unhappiness or even coming out as a loss of libido. You feel less and less connected to the person, you feel less and less Less and less seen, you feel less like you're really getting, you're really in a relationship.

[00:16:13] And that is because of conflict avoidance, because conflict done well can actually bring us closer and help us be more seen. So if you want to avoid all these things, it's actually better, instead of avoiding conflict altogether, because it is a normal part of relationships with different human beings, just learn how to do conflict better.

[00:16:34] And I was really grateful when I learned that there were ways to do conflict better because I didn't see them modeled at all. Right. So I was just like, Oh, hell yeah. Tell me all the things. Let me learn. Right. That was actually pretty easy for me because I was someone in some ways It was easy because I was someone who knew that I didn't know how to do it but for some people you might need to really kind of do a little soul searching and be honest with yourself about if you have some Things to learn you might be a little more middle of the road than I was I was abysmal You might be more like kind of moderately.

[00:17:11] Okay with doing some conflict like you've got some skills You But you still tend to avoid when you can, or when you can't, some of those default coping mechanisms come out where you just like go on the offensive or you totally retreat or whatever, right? So you may be okay with certain levels of conflict, but you still could really use a boost so that you feel fully confident.

[00:17:36] And you kind of know what your process is, right? Because there are two key tool sets that you need. Two sets of processes that you need to deal with differences well. The first one is proactive tools and the second one is reactive tools. And you need both. So when we're talking about proactive, what I mean is Look, and this is super important and great when you can do it.

[00:18:03] It just doesn't mean, you can't always do it, so you still need the reactive stuff. Proactive is asking for understanding and support for your needs, preferences, and desires when you notice that you are not automatically getting them. You have to know, this requires you knowing what you want and need and actually asking for it and then negotiating with the person to see if they can meet you in that request, help them understand it, help them understand specifically what you want them to do, even help them practice it so that you can give them like, yes, that's it, or no, that's not quite it.

[00:18:43] Right? Negotiate with the person to see if they can meet you there in a way that works for them or not. And if they can't, at least you have let them know that this is something that you want and you're happy. You are both aware that you will be processing some disappointment if they can't offer that.

[00:19:02] That is okay. Not everybody needs to be everything to us. This is why we need a village, right? Just because your partner isn't going to be the person who always wants to go rock hunting with you, right, doesn't mean you can't find somebody else that will. Will, but it's okay for you to ask for that. If you need someone to go with you, if you really want that to be part, something that you share with someone, right, whatever it is, it's okay to ask.

[00:19:28] That's just a random frivolous example. But here's the thing. So you need a plan and a skill set for dealing with conflict reactively as well as proactively. So the proactively is all that sort of like figuring out what you need and asking for it. Before it becomes a conflict, the reactive toolkit is relationship repair, and you need a process for it.

[00:19:53] I have a really good one I'm going to share in a workshop, and I'll tell you about that at the end of this podcast. But the reason you need this is because You can't always be proactive. Sometimes we just get triggered. Like there's some landmine from our past buried in our heart, and someone inadvertently walks right across it.

[00:20:14] They didn't mean to, and you couldn't have anticipated it, no matter what you did. It just happens. I mean, sometimes we can kind of anticipate it, but we didn't say anything. You know, we still need reactive toolkit, we still need repair, but no matter how perfectly you are proactive, you will still need reactive repair processes because You know, who knows what happens.

[00:20:37] Your spouse, for example, tells you they forgot to pay the credit card bill when it was their turn to do it, and you just happen to have a trauma trigger around some money debt stuff from having some, you know, maybe an alcoholic ex who scammed you, right? So you freak out at your current spouse before you've even realized that they aren't doing the same thing.

[00:20:57] They're not the same person. But because of what happened, it just, boom, you just go from 0 to 100, right? That happens. I might go from 0 to 100 just from someone slamming a door near me. Before I realized like a gust of wind came and tore it out of their hand, right? You have to have a reactive process for conflict because this shit happens, no matter how good everyone's intentions are.

[00:21:25] We all have either small or big sensitivities. And we might not even be aware of them until somebody accidentally trips over it. Your partner doesn't call when on a work trip and you just feel like they don't care about you, right? Even though that's actually not what's going on for them at all. You can imagine a million scenarios like this, right?

[00:21:46] We all need reactive processes so that when this kind of stuff happens and it blows up, We have a way to repair the relationship. And when we have it, and we know we have it, and we know that it will bring us closer, we can actually feel comfortable having any kind of conflict. And that feels like the world's most amazing superpower.

[00:22:09] So when people know how to manage disagreements and differences well with care and patience and not making each other wrong for our different feelings, that's That's, you know, one of the most important parts. It actually does bring us closer. It makes our connection better and yummier. And conflict done well actually builds intimacy.

[00:22:29] It sounds super weird, especially if you're an American, because we are like poster children for conflict fear. And yet we are also one of the most violent societies in the world, which is, I don't think a coincidence, right? We do not know how to do conflict. We're scared of it. And then it just like, goes, you know.

[00:22:46] We go nuts, right? We have all these like road rage incidents, for example. But conflict done well is actually a fundamental building block of real intimacy because we have to understand our differences in order to feel truly seen and cared for, right? Because people are different from us, they have different life experiences, different genetics, different socialization.

[00:23:13] That means we don't automatically know everything about each other and we don't know exactly what someone wants to feel or hear or what they're afraid of or how they like to be cared for or what feels like care to them. And if we assume we do, we're going to be wrong a lot of the time and that's going to create conflict.

[00:23:33] So embracing our differences as being interesting and gorgeous and learning, being interested in learning, right? And that's what conflict gives us this chance to do, to learn about different opinions and needs and perspectives. Okay. So I hope that helps you. This is my little TED talk about, I'm just trying to recruit you to my like, let's be better at conflict team instead of avoiding it or being scared of it or just default doing it badly.

[00:24:07] Because we're trying to pretend it's not a part of every relationship, right? Instead, approaching differences with curiosity instead of fear, we will get healthy ways of dealing with those differences. And arguments and disagreements just typically come from assuming the other person is the same as us, and, but they aren't, right?

[00:24:29] We're bummed at how they're treat, quote unquote treating us, because we think that they're different, treating us badly on purpose, but they probably just don't understand what we need or what we want. Or maybe we think they should be doing certain things for us that are outside of their capacity, right?

[00:24:47] There's opportunities to learn how we're different and learn how to understand each other better and care for each other better. So I think of conflicts as, now as like a sign pointing to how I can have deeper connection with someone. It's like, Hey, here's a place where you're different that you didn't know about.

[00:25:05] And now you get to figure it out. How cool. Right? So you are not behind if you don't know how to do this well. And seriously, if you learn this at 89 years old, it is not too late. It is never too late. And what I want to do today is I want to invite you to actually Take some stock for yourself. Take out, as long as you're not driving, take out a journal or some paper or open a note in your phone.

[00:25:33] And if you are driving, just come back and do this later. But get some stuff out in front of you. On paper. This is about being honest with yourself first. You don't have to say anything to anyone else, but just own it for you. Okay, like know where you're at, know where your starting point is with conflict and conflict avoidance.

[00:25:55] Okay, so there's three things I'm going to invite you to reflect on and write down. One is, What are some needs, desires, or preferences that you've really been needing to discuss with someone you care about, but you've been avoiding? Just write them down, get them in front of you. You can decide to bring it up or not.

[00:26:14] What I'm just inviting you to do is acknowledge them to yourself. What are some areas where you have been avoiding having differences with someone? Where are some places where your feelings are hurt or you have something that you really want, but you have avoided talking to someone about it? All right, that's number one.

[00:26:35] Number two, I want you to look at that list and decide for each one if it is helping the relationship or harming the relationship to avoid talking about it. And I want you particularly to challenge yourself to think about. In what way might it actually be unfair to both you and them to be avoiding talking about this desire or feeling or need of yours?

[00:27:02] How might it actually be worse for them and worse for you? Right? That's number two. And the last thing I want you to write down, number three, is write down and own your default ways that you deal. With disagreements, differences, or arguments, with conflict. Everyone has particular tendencies by default.

[00:27:25] You may have all of them, or you may have some of them. But it's really important to know what yours are for you and for other people. Just own them. You don't have to like, you know, sky write them in public. You don't have to like tattoo them across your forehead. Just know and write it down for yourself.

[00:27:43] And so I'm just going to list the default tactics again. so that you have this handy. Think as I say this, think about which ones are the ones that you tend to go to most easily. So number one, emotional outbursts and things like forcing their attention, whether the person is ready to talk or not.

[00:28:05] Avoidance, ignoring or shunning the person or not listening to them. Indulging in blame. shaming them in some way, which often goes along with blame.

[00:28:23] Another one is passive aggression, including things like quiet tantrums snipping about other things, right? Another one is actual aggression, like physical aggression. That doesn't have to mean you hit somebody, but you could throw things. You could just sort of like Do a lot of yelling, like just, you know, that kind of stuff.

[00:28:45] And another one is ultimatums or threats. Those are often defaults. So just know which ones yours are, right? Which do you tend to use initially? Which do you tend to use when you're really pushed? Which do you tend to use when you're like really highly triggered? Just know what they are. When you get good at conflict, instead of using those defaults, what you will do is a repair process.

[00:29:13] That is a situation where you acknowledge there's an emotional challenge here between you and the other person, whether they know it or not. And you commit to repairing that rift with patience and kindness. You commit to really hearing and trying to empathize with each other, and you commit to really speaking the truth.

[00:29:33] Vulnerably about your actual feelings and owning what's yours and this is not easy. But when you do it, when you have a good repair process, conflict becomes this chance to learn about each other. and get closer to people. It is just, you know, kind of a magical process. Even when it's painful, the people I have done good repair with, I am so much closer to them than people I've never had conflict with.

[00:30:04] Seriously. We trust each other, we are so much more relaxed with each other because we know we can repair and that we're willing to do it and to really hear even when things are hard. It is a gift. It is so, I'm so grateful when people are willing to repair with me. And anymore, I just like don't even, I don't really put any effort into friendships where the person has shown that they don't have a capacity to repair.

[00:30:30] So, I'm not totally perfect at it, it does, and I certainly get triggered still, and I still freak out and I have my defaults, right? But knowing how to repair helps me come back so much more quickly and keeps resentment out of my meaningful relationships, which is probably the best thing about it. I don't have to just like sit on resentment, and I really want that for you.

[00:30:52] If you have any conflict in your relationship, which is almost guaranteed, if you are close to someone, you will at some point have conflict, even if you don't right now. Unless you decide to be like a doormat for life, which means you aren't even present in the relationship, you will have conflict. And I want you to have a repair process.

[00:31:14] because I want you to have this superpower. I want you to have this connection and this sense of deep intimacy with people that comes from that. So I'm going to do a special repair workshop because it is not a simple skill. It is not really podcast level skill. It requires some practice and some Q& A. So I'm going to do a special repair workshop, which I normally teach for several hundred dollars, but I'm going to offer it for 25 in January.

[00:31:40] of 2025 as a New Year's gift to you to start your year off with more connection for podcast listeners. So if you are listening to this in the future after January 2025, then just check my website to see when I'm offering it again. But if you are listening to this, when it comes out in December 2024, I want you to go register today and get your spot.

[00:32:03] You can use the code PODFAN, P O D F A N, to get the discounted 25 price, and the registration link is in the show notes, or you can even email me if you need the link at laura at lauradurgans. com. Juergens is with a U. J U R G E N S. If you cannot make the January 24th date, which I hope you can because it's going to be so fun.

[00:32:28] We're going to do, like, I'm literally going to have you do silly practice and low stakes practice with, you are not going to do it with your partner. You can bring your partner, absolutely, to this, but I'm going to have them practice with somebody else. It is going to be absolutely fine. You are going to leave there.

[00:32:50] understanding a nine step process. You will have a handout to follow. You will know exactly what to do when you have a actual conflict with your partner or with a friend or with a family member. You will be able to walk through it. And you will feel like a million bucks. You are going to feel so much more confident about being in relationships with anyone.

[00:33:15] And you can even do it one sided without the other person really even knowing that that's what you're doing. And magically, you will solve problems. It's actually not magic, but it is relational skill. It feels like magic. So, I really want that for you. If you can't make the January 24th date, you Make sure you're on my email list for the next live one so that you get the notifications.

[00:33:40] And I really do hope you can make it because every single client I've ever had that has used this process. that I was taught, that I use religiously, has had leaps and bounds improvements in their confidence and in their connection. Hey, if you're curious about how you could have better sex and connections, go grab my free guide, Find Your Secret Turnoff.

[00:34:02] It's right on my website, https://www.laurajurgens.com, and the link is in the show notes. I'll see you here next time. So that's my gift to you in the new year. All right, my dears, I hope you have a wonderful week ahead and I'll see you here next week.