The Most Powerful Step

Today I’m going to tell you a really personal story of how I almost quit on my marriage. I’m also going to share one of the most powerful ideas in the world for changing your life and your relationships. That sounds like a giant claim, and it is, but it is also really simple. If you look at the most joyful people who are living the lives they want – you will see this idea at work all the time. It is their defining approach to life, and it’s what enabled me to rescue my relationship. 

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Sex Help for Smart People podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Laura Jurgens, self liberated former science professor, sexologist, and dual certified master intimacy coach. I specialize in helping you transform your relationships to get the kinds of sex, intimacy, and connection you crave using research backed practice and play.

[00:00:22] So let's get at it. Hey everyone, welcome to episode 50! It feels like a giant milestone. I guess just what is it with round numbers, right? I am super excited, though, and after less than a year, this is already a top 10 percent podcast. So I'm absolutely thrilled that you're all here. I'm thrilled to be here with you.

[00:00:44] This is something I look forward to every week. I know I'm talking to you all from a closet. Feels like I know you. So I'm just going to roll with that and assume that I know you. So today I am going to tell you a really personal story of how I almost quit on my marriage. And I'm also going to share one of the most powerful ideas in the world, which is what helped me not quit.

[00:01:12] So I know this sounds like a giant claim, one of the most powerful ideas in the world, right? But seriously. It is actually surprisingly simple, and it also, if you look at the most successful people, and I mean like in their own terms, the joyful people who are living the lives that they really want, you will see this idea at work all the time.

[00:01:32] And I think it is actually a defining trait, and I know it has been in my life. That when I made this shift from sort of default thinking that I think most people are stuck in, into really embracing this idea. Absolutely, is what has allowed me to, let's see, stop drinking, stop being on antidepressants, totally change my career and jump into living someplace that I just really wanted to live and leaving a job that wasn't working for me.

[00:02:06] Doing things like starting this podcast, doing things like making a bunch of new friends to the point where I just had my first party at my new house and we've only lived here for a little over a year. And it was so fun. There were so many people. I had a London time New Year's Eve party, so we celebrated at 7 p.

[00:02:23] m. Eastern, which is perfect for me because I'm an early bird. And it was all UK themed. I made the best playlist. Oh, playlist. UK artists. So good. This is all shit that I created because of this idea. And it's what let me rescue my relationship. So here it is. We're going to talk about the most powerful step you can take to getting what you want.

[00:02:49] That is what we're doing today. And it is not the one that most people think. The most powerful step, spoiler alert here, is the first one you take towards change. And I hope you just like suspend any disbelief with me for a little bit and I'm going to explain why. The first step is the one where you allow yourself to believe.

[00:03:13] That change is not just possible, but that it is actually going to happen if you take new, different action. It is the one where you commit to doing something new. And what a lot of people think, what most people think, is that the only step that matters is you. They think the most powerful step is the last step that actually gets you to where you want to be.

[00:03:40] So, stuff like, you know, turning in your thesis to graduate. The step where you actually get the promotion notification. Where you lose that last five pounds to get your goal weight if you're a weight loss person. The part where you actually close on that first home purchase that you wanted. Or the last time you have a sip of alcohol.

[00:04:01] and you've now quit forever, right? Or that time where you finally work out a disagreement in a calm way that brings you closer with your partner for the first time, and you feel like you have put an rancorous fighting behind you, or the first time you have an orgasm with your partner, you feel like that step, the step where you actually get the result that gets you where you want to be, or that marks the passage to the new place.

[00:04:28] Most people think that that step is the most important one and the most powerful one, and it is not. That step is just an inevitable outcome. of taking the first step, and it is the first step that most people don't do. So I'm going to say that again because if you take nothing else from this entire podcast, my dear, I want you to hear this.

[00:04:54] The last step where you actually get the thing is just an inevitable outcome of taking the first one. It is the first one that most people never do, and the first one that is the most powerful. And that's what a lot of people won't ever understand, is that the most powerful step is the first one, and that is why they stay stuck.

[00:05:16] So the first step, the powerful step, is the one where you are truly committing to doing something different to get different results. Deciding to take that first step in believing that something new is going to work, so that you let yourself fully commit, that is where big power in life is. And so I'm going to tell you a story about me, but side note here is that this all has to be about you.

[00:05:46] We can't make commitments that somebody else will be different, but that's okay because there is so much power in us changing us, in you changing you, in me changing me. I can change so much about my life by just me changing me. And I think you're going to see that in this story, too, because you can indeed actually make changes in a relationship with someone just by changing one person, just by one person starting to be different and starting to learn new things.

[00:06:18] Okay, so here's a true story. A few years ago, I I was at the point of nearly giving up on my relationship, on my marriage of many years. And we'd been together, we'd been together unmarried for like nine years before we got married. So it was a long, really long relationship. We'd lived together for at least 10 years at this point.

[00:06:38] And I was at the end of my tether. I had asked for years for more affection, and I just couldn't seem to get the affection that I craved. And I really wanted. Like hugs, kisses, touch, I really didn't respond well to just being asked for sex out of the blue. And I just couldn't respond that way. And I was literally at my wits end.

[00:07:03] I was crying, I was exhausted, I was just fucking done. I was just so over it. And it had been years and years. And in my own mind, I knew I had asked over and over. And I did factually ask over and over. And we had fought about it. many, many times. But here's the thing, I really didn't want to accept the status quo.

[00:07:25] I didn't want to accept that this was just a misery that I had to live in. And I also really didn't want to give up on the relationship. So I decided, and I was really lucky because I was a life coach at the time, even though I was also a scientist, I had decided that there was something I could do and I was sure as hell going to learn it and figure it the fuck out.

[00:07:46] I just decided. And because I had done one life coaching certification and I knew some coaches who did stuff different than me, I was really lucky. Because my certification was in mindset coaching, I knew the power of my mind. And I had seen people create. amazing results in their life by making powerful decisions that something could be different and by stopping believing their own bullshit that everything like inevitably had to stay the same and that like all the evidence that it hadn't happened yet meant that it was never going to happen and all that kind of stuff.

[00:08:20] So I knew that that wasn't necessary and I didn't have to hold on to that. And that is something really powerful from that type of life coaching that I learned. But I really didn't know anything about relationship issues and I didn't know how to navigate this. So I went to a relationship coach and I got help and I learned so many critical things and along the way I fixed the whole issue.

[00:08:46] We do not have it at all now. I get the affection I need. There's no stress. There's no fighting. There's no tears. There's no agony. It is chill and relaxed and connected and beautiful. And I love it so much. And I'm so grateful to my husband for doing that. But I created it by learning and deciding that we were going to fix this, that I was going to fix it.

[00:09:13] And here's what I didn't know. And I wouldn't know until I got pretty much all the way through solving the issue. Was the issue was, I hadn't actually learned how to ask in a way that made it possible for my partner to truly hear me. And I hadn't learned how to support him doing something that wasn't already habit for him.

[00:09:34] The reason I wasn't getting the affection I wanted wasn't because my partner couldn't do it. And it wasn't because he didn't want to, and it wasn't because I wasn't asking, I was asking. It was because I was asking wrong. I didn't know how to actually get what I want from a partner when it's not their default, even when it's possible for them.

[00:09:54] Now look, you're not always going to be able to get everything you want from someone. That's not what this story is about. But I was asking when I was upset. And that wasn't going over well. All he was hearing was my upset. I also wasn't being specific about what I meant. I wasn't being specific about how it made me feel, or like exactly how often, what, what I meant by affection, like what exactly activities did I want him to do, how often and how.

[00:10:22] And I wasn't helping him develop a new habit supportively with like kind, playful reminders and positive things. feedback and showing him how much I appreciated each time he tried. Because when he did try, I was in this space of like, well, I, I was like in grief that I never get it. So it just felt like, oh, now you're going to do it kind of thing.

[00:10:41] And it was like this whole fraught business. So when we look at the situation, I actually had to learn quite a few things, but I didn't know it. And I didn't know in the beginning that those were the things I needed to learn. That's okay, I had somebody to help me who did know those were the things I needed to learn.

[00:11:01] But it doesn't matter because none of those things that I learned were the most powerful step. I didn't need to know any of it to get started. The first thing I needed, the most powerful thing I had to do, the most powerful step, Was I needed to change the way I saw the situation, to stop thinking it was impossible, to stop believing that it was forever, this was just how it is, that I had to suffer this way, or leave, and to stop believing all the times what I tried didn't work meant it couldn't work, right?

[00:11:35] I had to commit to believing that change was possible. That was the most powerful and important step, was choosing to have that agency and take action. Saying, I'm 100 percent committed to solving this because I don't like either of my other options. And look, if it's truly unsolvable, I wanted to find that out too.

[00:11:55] And I wanted to know, like, if it was truly impossible for him to offer this, then I would know that a divorce made sense. But there was no way I was going to default to that without putting in a serious investment of time, An effort, and yes, money, into trying to solve it first. So that was the most powerful step.

[00:12:16] The one that I took to really commit to figuring it out. And that for me in that time meant going out and getting some help. And so I want to encourage you this year, as you think about if you're listening to this when it comes out in January of 2025, or whenever you're listening to it. To really ditch this human tendency to focus on the last step of the journey, that is not what gets you there.

[00:12:41] What gets you there is the first step out the door, out of your cave of like status quo, right? I want to invite you to really embrace embrace this idea of your power Being in that first step and celebrating the shit out of yourself when you take the first step because that is powerful and brave and it is the hardest thing and most people will not do it and they will just stay where they're at.

[00:13:10] The people who take first steps and decide to go after something new with commitment to be someone new, those are the people who get what they really want. and they don't have to stay stuck. So whatever you wish was different in your relationships, in your intimacy, the key to getting there is not the step where you're almost there.

[00:13:30] It's not even the step where you get it. It's the step where you decide you're going to get it. You're going to let yourself commit to doing something new and different and believe it will work. It's when you go all in and stick with it. So because most people are doing. They're getting the same thing every day, the same results in life, because they're doing the same thing, right?

[00:13:51] And when I do the same thing, I get the same results. When we are the same person day after day, we are going to get the same results. And a lot of times people are hoping that someone else will do something, or the universe will magically do something. But we aren't putting in the effort to make that happen.

[00:14:08] We're hoping change will just happen to us. And I see this a lot in the world of quote unquote manifesting. So now look, this is a controversial take for some of you who are really into this. And there are some people who use that word intending to mean taking action from a place of believing something new and different is possible.

[00:14:28] And I think that's a great example. use of the word and works wonderfully, but a hell of a lot of people are using manifesting to convince themselves that inaction is going to generate new outcomes and they are bullshitting themselves. If we think that just sitting around hoping for something will create change, we are going to be mightily disappointed.

[00:14:52] So, People are just sitting around hoping they get offered the promotion or that their spouse will just magically be different or that they will run into a solution for their intimacy challenges. But here's the truth. If we keep doing the same thing, if we stay in our comfort zones, we get the same results.

[00:15:12] And there are a few exceptions, of course, you know, like long lost cousin dies and leaves you a private island or something. But those are exceptions to a general rule. Generally in life, doing the same thing will get us the same results. And if you are comfy with your current situation, that's fine, that's great, right?

[00:15:31] But if it's something that is causing stress, anxiety, or pain. It's time to consider getting a bit uncomfortable with trying something new, right? And a lot of people would rather stick with the stress and pain they know, rather than challenge themselves to try something different. And that's okay. It is not how I choose to live.

[00:15:49] I feel like, you know, I'm a YOLO, like you only get one round here, and let's try to make this as amazing as possible. And that means being brave and trying something new. And not lying to ourselves, thinking that doing the same thing, staying in our comfort zones, we're going to magically get different outcomes.

[00:16:07] It is very human to be scared of new things because it is uncomfortable. We are wired to find that challenging, but you just have to decide to let it be uncomfortable if we want different outcomes, right? We decide that we're brave enough. You are brave enough. I know you are, and I know you can do it, and you know, one of the things that helps is just deciding that it could actually be fun and amazing, right?

[00:16:32] I didn't know, but going to my relationship coach actually like changed the whole trajectory of my career. And I added that skill set in. I went and pursued my own, I found it so powerful, especially after having been raised in just such dysfunctional relationship with my mother, like, and just not knowing, not really not feeling empowered about understanding how humans work.

[00:16:59] I was so fascinated. And I just, I just went. I just dove all in with so much enthusiasm, which I, you know, generally do things with enthusiasm, you might have noticed. But I wouldn't have known that that would have happened, and I couldn't have known, I couldn't have predicted, but I could take that first step just to change something.

[00:17:21] That I really wanted for myself and to give myself that gift of doing something new and allowing it to maybe be even fun and amazing. Allowing that possibility in, even though I knew it was going to be uncomfortable. And I knew it was an investment and a risk. So that's the thing. Doing something different to get new results, committing to fully believing it's possible to the point where you actually take concrete action, and not believing the bullshit our brains tell us that any little setback means that somehow it's not going to happen, right?

[00:17:54] That first step to committing to believing it's possible, that is the most powerful step. That's the step that gets you out the door on the journey, right? And that step is is what really powerful people do. They do it all the time. They look for places that they can do that. So if, for example, you want to figure out how to get heard, how to really ask for what you want effectively, how to stop having the same old arguments over and over, I am going to be giving you the perfect opportunity to get new results.

[00:18:27] I am teaching a confidence and connection workshop on January 24th. You will walk away from that hour and a half feeling so much more confident. Feeling actually confident that you can stay connected with someone you care about, no matter how touchy the subject is, that you can get heard or you can really fully hear them and understand each other and really stay connected and stop having these same arguments over and over and over again.

[00:18:58] And I want you to just imagine the freedom and the security that that gives you. It is life changing, it is relationship changing to feel confident that you can, that you can be connected and relaxed no matter what it is that you or your partner is asking for. And not even both of you have to take this class, seriously.

[00:19:23] One person knowing these skills can just radically makeover relationships, they can guide the other person through it. And I'm going to give you like a step by step framework. So you're going to be such a connection boss when you leave this that you will barely recognize your own capacity. I had a client, I taught this very, the same thing I'm going to teach in the workshop.

[00:19:44] Walk into my office a week after I taught it to him. We saw each other weekly and He and his wife walked in and sat next to each other and snuggled on the couch and it was the first time they had ever sat anywhere close to each other. They had been sitting on opposite sides of the room. This is a couple that had been so at odds, so badly at odds that they lived in different states for over 20 years.

[00:20:09] They're in their 70s. This is not like they were not spring chickens, right? They've been doing the same shit. having the same fights for decades. And they could barely tolerate each other, you know, like a couple weeks before. And he was actually referred to me by a therapist who couldn't get him to stop crying over his relationship woes.

[00:20:29] And she was just at a loss. And the week after he learned the skills I'm going to teach in this workshop, snuggling on my sofa and actually feeling connected and like holding hands and being together. And so It's just a really powerful skill set, and I want it for everyone, which is why I'm making it 90 percent off for everyone, only for podcast listeners and my newsletter subscribers.

[00:20:52] Just use the code PODFAN. You get it for 25 instead of 250. So this is a good deal. Grab it now. And if you want new results in your relationship this year, I promise this is one experience that will absolutely help you take much more effective action. And so that's why I'm making it It's super cheap for everyone.

[00:21:10] So just go to the show notes for the podcast and you'll find the Eventbrite link to sign up. So go grab your seat today. And if you or when you are really ready to commit to changing your situation, if you are ready to give yourself the gift of being really powerful and making powerful change in your life by taking those uncomfortable first steps, I want to invite you to also Book a free consultation with me and let's get you in a coaching package so you can actually solve these problems and be done.

[00:21:41] Be done with them. You will have the skills forever to feel better about whatever it is that is getting in the way of your connection. Six months later, you were gonna look back and be like, shit, that first step, believing I could solve this, believing I can stop getting the same shitty results that I have been getting, that was powerful.

[00:21:59] You're going to look back and be like, I am so glad I gave that to myself, which is literally what my clients say to me all the time. So yesterday my client Shira was sitting there saying, she said, I love this sentence, I can't believe I'm finally free of it all. And she was just sitting there with this profound relief.

[00:22:16] This is 10 weeks we've been working together and she's literally shed Decades, her whole lifetime, she's 48, a whole lifetime of feeling ashamed and broken around her sexuality since she was seven. And she's just sitting there saying, after 10 weeks, I'm, I'm free of it. That's the favor. That's the gift she gave herself by believing that things could be different and by taking that powerful first step.

[00:22:41] So, let yourself do that and let yourself celebrate yourself for it. And if you want to consult with me, you can schedule directly on my website at www.laurajurgerns.com. L A U R A J U R G E N S dot com. There's a link to book a consult. And I just want to offer you just such a great opportunity.

[00:23:01] Congratulations on the new year starting and whatever it is that you want for yourselves this year. Take the first step and I will see you here for episode 51 next week. Hey, if you're curious about how you could have better sex and connections, go grab my free guide, Find Your Secret Turn Ons. It's right on my website, https://www.laurajurgens.com and the link is in the show notes. I'll see you here next time.