Curing the Libido Mismatch Blues

If Libidio Mismatch is something you struggle with – you know it can be super hard on relationships. It is very stressful and disconnecting. If it feels like a big deal, it is. Research shows that most of our happiness is tied to how we feel about our relationships – so stress in a primary partnership is devastating to quality of life. It's smart to prioritize solving rifts like this above a lot of other things in your life, because it’s going to make the biggest difference to happiness and enable everything else to feel easier. 

The problem is that it is incredibly hard to find good help on this issue. You need a desire-arousal specialist like me because, frankly, even therapists and doctors aren't trained at all to solve this problem. 

So join me for this episode where we'll dive into what's going on with Libido Mismatch. 

You'll learn:

1. Why it's absolutely possible to solve this problem in most cases (despite a lot of bad advice to the contrary)

2. How blame is part of the problem and it's never one person's fault (in fact, it is no one's fault)

3. The first step to getting free of this stressful issue and finally feeling on the same side with your partner

Register FREE for the Libido Mismatch Clarity Hour and learn the 5 step process to get free of this painful situation Feb 18 & 19th 2025 

February 18, 2025 5-6pm Eastern US time (Zoom option): https://www.eventbrite.com/e/1232092474759?aff=oddtdtcreator

February 19, 2025 6-7pm Eastern US time (phone-in option): https://www.eventbrite.com/e/1232093056499?aff=oddtdtcreator

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Sex Help for Smart People podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Laura Jurgens, self liberated former science professor, sexologist, and dual certified master intimacy coach. I specialize in helping you transform your relationships to get the kinds of sex, intimacy, and connection you crave using research backed practice and play.

[00:00:22] So let's get at it. Hey, welcome to episode 55. So today we are talking about curing the libido mismatch blues. And boy do they give us some blues. So, welcome. I'm so glad you're here. And if libido mismatch is something you struggle with, and actually even if it's you something you don't struggle with, I want to encourage you to listen to this episode because it does up later on in long term relationships for a lot, a lot of people and avoiding it is helpful, knowing more about it is helpful.

[00:01:04] You can actually avoid it with a little bit of care. But if it is something that you struggle with, you know, already how hard it is on relationships. It is very stressful for the individuals. It is very disconnecting. And if it feels like a big deal, that makes total sense because it is a big deal.

[00:01:26] Research has conclusively shown that for human beings, our relationship quality is actually the biggest factor affecting our happiness. That is right. It is not how much money we make. It is not how, you know, successful we are. It is not all the shit we have. It is not even if we have, if we have some basic needs that aren't met, like those are really important, but happiness, most of our happiness is actually tied to how we So, stress in a primary partnership is absolutely devastating to our quality of life.

[00:02:04] It really deserves attention. It's not small. It's okay to prioritize solving it above a lot of other things in your life because it is going to make the biggest difference to your happiness, your quality of life, and enable everything else to feel easier. And you know, the world is hard right now. The world is always hard, and the world feels extra hard right now for many of us.

[00:02:28] And we really need our primary relationships to feel stress free, to feel nourishing to us and a place that we can relax. And I really want that for you. So that is why we're talking about this today. Surprisingly, the solution to this is actually a lot more fun than being in the problem. I mean, maybe that's not surprising, right?

[00:02:53] But actually the pathway through, I think, the process that I use is, like, I always see people enjoying the process. But here's the thing. If you don't struggle with this, even if you just are listening to this out of curiosity and you're maybe like, ooh, how might I avoid this in the future? If you don't struggle with libido mismatch, chances are some of your friends Do or people that you know, and you have heard about it, it sounds like, why does my partner always want sex?

[00:03:20] My God, right, that like frustration. Or it sounds like my partner never wants to have sex anymore. Or maybe you see just stress compensating compulsions, because that happens a lot. People will be overeating, over drinking, overspending, avoiding with social media, etc. Please, for the sake of those people you care about, If they have expressed any of these kinds of frustrations, please share the episode with them.

[00:03:49] And the reason I ask you to do this especially is because there is very little good information out there about dealing with libido mismatch. And I mean, Very little. People get hopeless fast. They go to their doctor, they go to therapists, who generally know absolutely nothing about solving this. And I'm sorry to say that because I really want you to go to the doctor for things that doctors know about.

[00:04:12] I really want you to go to the therapist for things that therapists do well. But they do not do this well. And it is usually very solvable, but people don't know, and unfortunately doctors and therapists tend to be of the It's therapists less than doctors, but they do tend to be of the persuasion of rarely admitting that they are not trained in something and that they don't know the answer.

[00:04:34] So they will sometimes just give you a bad answer, like, you should get divorced, even if the rest of your relationship is great, right? So please consider just shooting your friends. A message, if you've heard from them, little, you know, clues that they may have a libido mismatch problem. Like, hey, you mentioned this was stressing you out once upon a time.

[00:04:56] Here's a podcast that I happen to be listening to that might be helpful if that's still an issue for you. Right? Just shoot them a little message. It could really, really help somebody and take a lot of stress out of their life. Okay. So a lot of folks, including those therapists and doctors who most of them have zero training in desire and arousal.

[00:05:16] And that is not their fault. That is part of the institutions. But. Because they didn't get the training, they don't know that there are solutions, and they often think that there's no solution except for breaking up, which is wrong. I have a really high success rate with this issue, and I see all the folks who got frustrated with other professionals, but were stubborn enough and smart enough to keep trying to get help.

[00:05:41] And then they come to me, and then they do get help, and they get understandably angry that they couldn't find that help earlier. Totally get it. So, if you know, Folks in this situation, help them out. Send them over here. Okay, another thing to share is a special free event that I am actually doing. topic for this month because I love working with people on it.

[00:06:04] It is so empowering for them and it just relieves so much pain that it makes me really happy. So I am doing a special free event February 18th and 19th 2025 online and Actually, there's a phone in option day, so you can stay totally anonymous. You can keep your video off online or you can do the phone in option day, but it's going to give you my full five step roadmap to solving the stress of libido mismatch.

[00:06:31] Plus, I'm going to answer frequently asked questions. I'm going to debunk a bunch of myths that are getting in your way. And I'm going to answer questions live from participants. So please consider sharing that too. You do need to register and you will want to do that now as soon as you hear this because it's coming up fast.

[00:06:51] So go to the show notes and whatever app you're using to listen and just click the link on the date you want to attend. It's totally free. There's no pressure to buy anything. There's, look, there's never any pressure to buy with me. Because I am a coach that specializes in helping people feel free in their relationships and their sex lives.

[00:07:09] I will never hard sell anything or put obligation on anyone because it is not my style. So, don't be afraid to show up to learn some stuff that could really help. Help you. And seriously, if you have friends who have expressed any frustration with libido mismatch, you will be doing them a huge favor connecting them with a desire arousal specialist like me because we are very uncommon.

[00:07:33] So shoot them the link for that event. two. Okie dokie. We're going to do a little bit today about the same topic, and we're going to start at the beginning. We don't have time to do the whole five step process. That would be a very, very long podcast. And obviously there's no Q& A here. But, we are going to start with the number one in the five steps today, and I also invite you to reach out to me with your questions at my email, just laura at laurajurgens.

[00:08:02] com, and I spell jurgens, J U R G E N S, so I'm. Not the heir to the Hand Lotion Empire, unfortunately. It's J U R. So, shoot me an email, let me know what you need right now. Let me know what is most important for you in your intimacy with yourself and your partner or partners. I am always interested to hear from you about what would support you best.

[00:08:28] So today, libido mismatch step one, right? And here's the thing. What is this? This just means that someone in a partnership wants more sex and someone doesn't want that much sex or even wants less sex than they're having, which is really common. It means that they're already having sex when they don't want to.

[00:08:50] Look, this just causes a lot of pain for everyone for various reasons. We're going to talk a little bit about how people feel when they're in this situation in just a minute. But I want you to know first that it's just so common, even though we don't talk explicitly about it very much. Also think, you know, because people don't know how to get help, you can really easily get sucked into a lot of awful advice from randos on Reddit when trying to find help.

[00:09:22] So do not do that. That is not the place to go. I mean, you can go to Reddit. You can read what they have to say. Please do not take that advice to heart. There's a lot of really bad advice on this topic. But seriously, this is such a common issue. And if you've already gone to Reddit and you've gotten a bunch of bad advice that you've tried, welcome.

[00:09:39] I am so glad you're here. I am here to help you. We can absolutely do this. So do not worry. If you've tried a bunch of things before that didn't work, you are like a lot of my clients who have come before you and you were like me because I started out trying a bunch of stuff that didn't work, but there are actual things that work.

[00:10:01] So we're going to get there. I want to also say there's also a lot of gender stereotyping around this. Yes, the thing is, it is super common for heterosexual couples to have a lot of libido mismatch. And in part that is largely because there are socialized repressions around both emotionality, Especially for men and sexuality for women that are different by gender and because our societies in modern, in the modern world tend to have very male centric sex culture where we don't learn what actually works for women, including women don't know what works for women.

[00:10:42] It is really common for women to be lower desire than male partners because they are not. because they're not that well connected to their own sexual needs, and because they're not getting those needs met, and because male partners don't know what to do, especially if their partner can't tell them.

[00:10:58] Right? So they're assuming that their partner is a lot like them, which is usually wrong. Right? So yes, it's very common for that to actually be true that you have a lower libido woman partner with a male partner in a heterosexual couple. It's really common, but that's not the only time this happens.

[00:11:17] Libido mismatch happens in gay couples. all the time. It happens with lesbian couples all the time. It happens in queer couples that are regardless of gender identity. It happens in hetero couples where the man has lower libido than a woman all the time. All the time. So you are very normal if this is happening in your partnership.

[00:11:39] You are not alone and I'm really sorry that there is not more good information about this. But I'm trying to fill that gap and we're going to start here today, so I do want to encourage you if this is you Please get help as soon as you can because the problem is it doesn't get better with time. It actually gets worse.

[00:12:03] It tends to get more entrenched. The patterns tend to get more painful and it like feeds on itself. The dynamic without intervention does tend to feed on itself and get bigger and bigger and worse and worse. And it takes more time. an effort to solve when you leave it for a long time. It's still solvable, and I'm not saying you're going to need to see somebody like me for five years or something, because you probably won't, and I've literally never had a client that long.

[00:12:32] I want people to see me for only as much time as they need, and then graduate and have a wonderful life. Everyone with me graduates in, you know, six to eighteen months, or decides to start working on something else with me because they're having fun. So, that sometimes happens and I'll see somebody for like two years.

[00:12:49] But that's, most people are done in six months to a year. If it's a couple, it can take a little bit longer, more like a year to 18 months, sometimes a little bit longer because they're having fun and they want to stick around. But just know that the earlier you intervene, the better. Please don't wait because it will just be more miserable for longer.

[00:13:12] And when you. Could actually be getting free earlier and actually enjoy the process along the way. That's a bummer, right? To stay in misery for longer. So try to intervene as quickly as possible. So let's see where, where, let's start at the beginning, right? Where do folks usually start and. I want to say this is part of the reason why you're going to want to intervene quickly is because where folks usually start absolutely sucks.

[00:13:42] It just sucks. It feels horrible. Everybody feels awful. Sometimes we're kind of pretending that we don't feel as awful as we do about this. We're trying to pretend it's not as big of a problem as it is. And, but on the inside, we actually feel like total ass. So, what often happens for the high libido partner, is they are feeling rejected.

[00:14:05] They may really want sex in part because it's like a primary way they emotionally connect. And if there's someone who struggles to emotionally connect outside sex, they often feel even more adrift without as much sex as they want. The high libido partner usually tends to feel emotions like frustration, rejection, disappointment, and often a lot of anger and like blaming towards their partner because they feel like their partner is withholding from them.

[00:14:34] And a lot of times they don't understand why the person doesn't want to have sex because they're a person who wants to have sex all the time and it's really hard to understand how someone might be different in a way that's not rejecting, right? And they also sometimes wind up feeling like a predator or creepy and they really don't want to feel that way because they don't feel like that is aligned with their personality.

[00:14:55] But because they keep trying to initiate sex with the partner who doesn't want it, they wind up feeling bad about themselves. Oftentimes, the high libido partners really at a loss of what to do. Sometimes they try doing things like they think are favors for their partner in an effort to get sex and then understanding, not understanding why that's not working.

[00:15:16] Because if they did, if they received favors, they would want to reward that person with sex, but their partner doesn't and they just, that doesn't compute because that's not how they are. Sometimes they try other tactics, like small acts of coercion, having a tantrum, sulking. None of it actually really helps for very long, and they, it definitely doesn't bring connection.

[00:15:40] And when they do have sex, it's often not that great, and they can tell their partner isn't that into it, even if they don't want to admit that to themselves. And that feels really bad. It makes them feel even more rejected, and often feeling like they are They wind up feeling desperate for validation of their attractiveness and self worth a lot of times, because that repeated sense of rejection, even though the other partner is not really intending it as a personal rejection, that's not actually what's happening, that's how it feels.

[00:16:12] And that is a really bummer place to be, feeling constantly rejected, that is hard. So then there's the person who doesn't want sex so much. The lower desire person, the person who's in a lower desire space. And they often really want to help their partner not feel rejected, but they do not actually want to be having sex very often in this moment in time, or sometimes for quite a long time, especially because once this sets in, it usually gets worse and worse and worse.

[00:16:45] It like spirals on itself. Now, sometimes in very rare cases. The lower desire person actually doesn't want sex at all ever again. They are asexual, either through trauma or by nature. But I will say that is very rare. That is usually not the case. Most of the time, the lower desire person has been interested in sex or masturbation at some point.

[00:17:10] They have enjoyed physical pleasure. sexual pleasure, eroticism at some point. That means they are not asexual, but they are not enjoying that with their partner right now. And usually for very good reasons, they just don't understand what they, nobody understands in the system, nobody understands what they are.

[00:17:29] That's why you need help. But usually the lower desire person feels horribly guilty. They feel blamed, often by themselves as well as their partner. They may feel harassed. They often think they are broken, but I promise they are not broken, who are not broken if this is you. They're often, but it feels like you are, right?

[00:17:55] That's what they, they feel like they are. And they're often trying really hard to want sex for their partner, but they can't figure out why they don't, and they feel under pressure. They feel expected to perform or even obligated to have sex to please their partner. And because they do care about their partner, so much of the time they are having sex when they don't want to, which actually makes the problem worse.

[00:18:18] And then because they can wind up feeling like a blow up doll. Like Their wants don't matter, and like they're just supposed to service another person with their body no matter what they actually want. And this will actually wind up numbing them out, like literally can physically cause numbing. It can also cause a lot of compulsive stress related behaviors, but they are You know, it also definitely causes massive resentment.

[00:18:43] So, oftentimes that resentment is turned both towards their partner and often to anger for, towards themselves. It can even cause depression. And this is a really shit situation to be in. Like, this feels awful. Sometimes this person winds up avoiding their partner or trying to avoid them. They often or almost always distance themselves emotionally in some way, which then makes the partner feel even more rejected.

[00:19:09] So you can see this whole like negative spiral. This just gets worse and worse. And this lower desire partner often feels incredibly unsupported and like they don't matter. They are, meanwhile, often over caretaking their partner in a bunch of other ways, either to try to compensate or as part of the dynamic, the problematic dynamic that got the couple there in the first place.

[00:19:32] So you can imagine, here's these people, here's these two people feeling super fucking miserable. This is a really stressful situation. And then the bummer is that we don't really see it or talk about it much in society, and so people are just desperate for help, but they don't know where to turn. And when they try to get help, it is very frustrating to try to find help, even when you muster up the bravery amid all this misery to talk to somebody about it.

[00:20:02] So for a lot of folks, this happens In, if it happens anywhere in their like 40s or 50s or later, they think, tend to think it's hormonal or age related. And I can tell you that most of the time that's actually not true. It's usually not hormonal. I would say like And I've had a lot of clients that have taken hormones and it hasn't helped at all.

[00:20:27] So they took needless hormones prescribed by doctors who get zero training in desire and arousal, literally zero. The doctors have nothing else to offer except for pills. So that's what they offer. And then these poor people felt despairing that nothing changed. And most of the time the doctor didn't even test their hormones in the first place before prescribing them.

[00:20:51] So look, it is not bad to get your hormones tested to rule that out if that's important to you. If you come to me in a consult and you want to help, you want help figuring out if hormone test is a good idea and if hormones are likely contributing, I can ask a few questions and we can figure that out.

[00:21:09] Bye. Just know that a lot of times that's not the issue, and you might want to be careful of going to a doctor first, or if you don't have other clear symptoms, and especially if they won't test. I would absolutely ask them to test. So just be aware that if hormones are the issue, there's usually other symptoms associated with the lower hormone levels.

[00:21:35] Okay, and to be honest, even if hormones are part of the issue, they're usually not the whole issue. So we still need to solve a bunch of other stuff. So you might think going to a therapist, maybe that's a good fit, right? But unfortunately, the vast majority of therapists have zero solutions because most of them have almost no training in sexuality, like barely any.

[00:21:56] And in fact, my therapist friends, I have a lot of friends who are therapists, they complain about this a lot, that their training was completely lacking in anything related to human sexuality. They maybe got like one, a few lectures on it at all, and it was very limited, right? And it's usually focused on pathological stuff, like way bigger issues, like really much sort of more psychologically fraught issues.

[00:22:23] Okay, so then you might think, well, a sex therapist, great, this person will be able to help us. And here is another big bummer. They often can't help with libido mismatch much either. And I didn't even know that for the longest time. But actually, it turns out that most sex therapists are really good, again, with the pathological stuff, not the small day to day issues.

[00:22:48] They are. And this isn't small. It is day to day, but it's not small. But what I'm talking about, they're great with like the really intense stuff that started with your mother back when you were three. Right? They can help you there. But I have had so many clients say to me that they even went to a sex therapist who just told them that they literally can't help with this.

[00:23:09] That they just recommend they divorce. Even when the rest of their relationship was really good, even when they'd had good sexual connection at some point in their relationship. And to be honest, I, I do respect saying like, I can't help, but it's a bum, it's a real bummer that that is the situation, right?

[00:23:30] I, do you think it's good to be honest rather than just, you know, prescribe some pills that you know nothing about? But I want you to know that this actually is a really solvable issue. Almost always, not always. The two cases where it has not been solvable in my practice are where the high libido partner had a serious personality disorder.

[00:23:55] That meant they were incapable of empathy. And to be honest, what that means is the problem was not libido mismatch. It was the total lack of empathy. And the libido, loss of libido in the low libido partner was actually because their partner was a narcissist. And they stopped wanting to have sex with them.

[00:24:14] And their body was shutting down and saying, No, this doesn't feel good. And the high libido partner was just incapable of empathy. So that was actually the relationship problem. that caused the other one. Now I'm not saying that is a common cause. It is not a common cause, right, unless you have a partner with narcissistic personality disorder or borderline or some of the other cluster Bs.

[00:24:37] Most of the time that is not the case. Another situation where it may not be solvable is if a partner turns out to truly be asexual, but that's very rare and frankly, In my practice, the one time that has been true, the couple actually worked out an open marriage solution and really wanted to stay married and wound up really happy staying married and wound up with like really great communication around things and feeling really safe and connected, even though they weren't having sex anymore and the high libido partner was getting sex elsewhere.

[00:25:08] That is also not the only solution. That is also a one option after every, usually, In many cases, when a couple comes and they're not already polyamorous or in an open marriage, moving to that is not the first place we go. Right? That is a more extreme example when someone's actually asexual. So those, I just want to tell you those exceptions, not because those are common solutions, because those are the exceptions.

[00:25:39] And for everybody else, we've been able to sort things out in ways that feel good to both people and wind it back up. But on the other side, they feel really connected, feel much more connected to themselves and much more connected to each other. So as hard as this situation is, and as hard as it is to imagine that connection being possible, when you are really in the throes of this, and you are feeling either like, you know, just absolutely disconnected from your partner by it, it is actually solvable.

[00:26:09] And it's not easy. And it's not like a flipping a light switch. You know, it does take. Like quite a bit of time and effort, right? And luckily it's playful effort and it's really actually pretty fun. And I think that the five step solution I take people through is actually more, way more fun than where they start.

[00:26:26] It's fun, it's empowering, it's connecting, and they wind up feeling better pretty quickly. You know, soon along the way. Because at least they stopped feeling wrong, and they stopped feeling like they're on opposite teams, right? So I want to say right now that the fix may be five steps, but they aren't super easy to do on your own, and that is just me being honest with you.

[00:26:46] You will probably need some help. But it's. Absolutely possible to solve it. And the first step is something you can definitely get started with on your own. And we're going to do that one today. So I'm going to help you get started with this. And you may need some help to kind of get all the way there, but you can get started with this.

[00:27:05] And we're even going to try helping you get started with it today, right now on the podcast. All right, so here it is. Step one is give up the blame and get on the same team. What do I mean by that? All right, in no, I'm going to try to convince you that this is the right thing to do because it really is helpful.

[00:27:26] It is so game changing that you will be like, Oh, thank God she convinced me of that. But I want to invite you to keep an open mind. So get a. On the same team, give up the blame. Those things go together. Because you can't be in blame and be on the same team. So here's the deal. In no circumstance does blaming one partner help.

[00:27:48] It is needlessly oppositional. This is a couple's problem. It is not a one person problem. And also, it is not ever true that it is one person's fault. In fact, neither of you have to be at fault or wrong. I know, sounds crazy, right? You can just be different. You've had different life experiences. You have different sexual needs.

[00:28:14] Neither of them are getting met. The sexual needs for the low libido partner are clearly not getting met. They are not getting the pleasure that they want. They are not having their needs met either. And that may be because they don't know what they are and that's okay, right? It's usually the low libido partner that gets blamed.

[00:28:33] Not always, but usually. And I promise you that the high libido person is part of the problem. In every case, if you are thinking they aren't, you are worsening your own situation and you're wrong. But it's good to be wrong in that case. It is good because when you give up that idea that one person is to blame, you can actually start working towards a solution.

[00:29:04] The reason that those two couples with the narcissists failed was because the narcissist couldn't give up the idea that their partner was to blame. That is why they failed. And in fact, in one case, I convinced him that he should just try. Like, suspending disbelief for a week, just try giving up blame for a week.

[00:29:28] And they had, they came back, they had a really, really great week. And they had, like, super yummy sex, and it was like a game changer, but he couldn't, but then he started expecting it again and just wasn't willing to believe it again, and it all tanked, right? You can't do anything with a fixed mindset. Like, you're just It's we're done, right?

[00:29:53] I can't I wish I could go in there and like, you know tinker with somebody's actual brain, but it doesn't work that way so Sometimes the low libido partner might be sort of blaming the high libido partner too, but underneath it's often because they feel so guilty for not quote unquote putting out more.

[00:30:11] And unless there is a real sexual compulsion in the high libido partner, which does happen, that is its own related issue. But in every case, the high desire partner is contributing a lot to the problem, and I They don't know how or why, and that's part of the problem. And so I totally get it. If you are the high libido partner, you're like, how am I contributing?

[00:30:35] I get it, and I can help you figure it out. But, and go to the, go to the FAQ, go to the libido mismatch clarity hour, the 18th and 19th, we're totally going to talk about this. But I want you to imagine giving up the blame, because that is absolutely the first step. There is no blame. This is an issue to work on together.

[00:30:57] It is time to get on the same side, the side of your relationship, which means both people have to feel heard, respected. Autonomous and worthy of care. Everyone needs to feel like they can trust each other to matter to the other person. That their wants matter, right? That doesn't mean the other person has to cater to their every whim, but that they really hear them.

[00:31:27] And that's what these issues erode, the feeling of truly mattering to the other person. So we have to reestablish that. And step one is getting rid of the blame. It is not helping. Couples can only solve this problem if they stop blaming. So now, interestingly, this is cool. Even if one person stops blaming, it can really make a huge difference in the dynamic.

[00:31:50] And one person can get both people on the same side, the side of the relationship, pretty well. It will take them a little bit more work. Right? On their own, but they can do it. And I often work with individuals who are trying to get this done in their partnership because their partner doesn't want to come to coaching.

[00:32:12] And that still works really well. Sometimes, you know, we, We, eventually what happens is usually they're getting such good results that their partner gets on board because it's, everything's just changed so much and it started feeling so much better that their partner is like, what's just, what's happening?

[00:32:29] Like, how is, how is our relationship getting so much better? And then the person like fesses up that they've been going and coaching and then they like both show up. But in every case, blaming the low libido partner, making them out to be wrong, Obligating them, telling them that they're withholding, like, even like nasty words like telling them that they're frigid or broken or whatever other shitty and untrue things.

[00:32:54] And sometimes that's what they're saying to themselves, right? Sometimes that's actually what their partner is either saying to them, implying, or kind of just acting like. And we know, right, a lot of communication is nonverbal, so you don't have to say the nasty things for it to be felt by the other person.

[00:33:11] But that whole story. It is part of what is keeping couples stuck. It is not helping the low libido person feel free or sexy or aroused. If they feel blamed and wrong and obligated and broken, they are going to feel awful and under pressure and not at all aroused. That is normal. Of course they are.

[00:33:32] Everybody would feel that way in that situation. Almost everybody. But the lower desire person often starts identifying with the low desire. Like, oh, I am a person who has low desire. Like, this is just me. Not realizing that's not true and that a lot of it is just situational. They think it's about who they are.

[00:33:51] Which isn't true, and it's really sad, because that's, there's no power in, in it, if it's like who you are, if it's like, well, you know, my hair is brown, and I have low desire, and that's just who I am. There's no changing those things, right? That feels really stuck. But if it's just a situation that you're in that is driving you, driving your desire away, that is blocking you from your desire, now it's solvable, and that is much more true.

[00:34:19] So it is actually better. And this is going to be controversial for some of you, but I stand by it 100%. It is better for them to stop having sex altogether and start doing other playful things and reconnecting with each other than for them to keep having obligation sex that further disconnects them from their body and their partner because it will start taking a toll on the body and make the situation worse.

[00:34:44] And we can talk more about when it's a good time to take a break from intercourse y sex. Because actually a lot of times it is a good time to take a break in order to have a better experience later on. But here's the thing. This is the most important part of the step that I want you to understand, is that both partners are playing into the dynamic, and it is the dynamic between the partners that is killing the sexy, it is not one person just being wrong or being messed up.

[00:35:12] One person is trying to use sex to bring back connection, but the other person is needing connection and understanding to get access to their desire, and maybe patience, too, a lot of times. So we need to start by getting on the same team. And releasing the blame. Everyone has a part of both the challenge and of the solution.

[00:35:33] So if you're in a libido mismatch situation, I want to just invite you right now to let go of any worries about being silly for a moment because we are just going to help you take a moment to release some blame and get on the same team as your partner. And if you are not in a libido mismatch situation, I want you to think of something that you feel blame towards somebody about and just use this exercise for that because it'll still feel good.

[00:35:58] So here we go. I invite you to take a few deep breaths with me. Mindfulness is legitimate medicine, people. So this is what we're doing. So wherever you're doing, just inhale and just imagine you're taking in freedom from any blame for you or your partner. Just taking in that freedom. Exhale all the way, let every little molecule of air out of your body, and just let it start to loosen any places that you've been holding ideas that there's someone at fault.

[00:36:33] No one is wrong, no one is broken. Inhale and see if you can start imagining that you can be on the same side together, like take in the idea that you can be on the same side together. And then as you exhale, all the way again, release more of the blame. Inhale the idea of no one being wrong. No one's gotta be wrong.

[00:36:57] And exhale and release any opposition with your partner. Just see if you can let that go. We're gonna do one more, just inhale and really take in the idea of being on the same team, prioritizing this together. And then exhale any attachment to blame. It's just in your way and it's unnecessary. Let it all go.

[00:37:22] Okay, my dears. Thank you so much for being here. We are going to talk about the other four steps to get free of this very painful situation in the Libido Mismatch Clarity Hour events on February 18th and 19th, 2025. Or if you are So if you're a future person listening to this in the future, hey, hi, in the future, I wonder what's going on.

[00:37:41] Check my site to see what events are upcoming or reach out to me directly by email for help. But if you are in the February 2025 crew that is listening to this when it comes out. Hey, you are lucky, go register now at all the links in the show notes. If you want to solve this issue, if you're curious about it, if you're curious about avoiding it in the future, and please do share them with others.

[00:38:08] This is a totally free event. You might as well just like try something new, learn something, pop over there. You know you want to, okay, I'll see you here next time. I hope you have a great week. Hey, if you're curious about how you could have better sex and connections, go grab my free guide. Find Your Secret Turnons.

[00:38:28] It's right on my website, www.laurajurgens.com, and the link is in the show notes. I'll see you here next time.