Three-somes & Group Sex: Fantasy, Reality & Avoiding Pitfalls

Lots of folks fantasize about threesomes or group sex, and some of us decide to try it for real. Both can be fun. This episode will guide you through how to have more fun with fantasy and how to make real-life group sex a good experience for everyone. Plus, I'll give you my best tips on how to find other partners and deal with the logistics of setting it up so everyone has a good time. 

If you're interested in threesomes, don't miss this one!

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Welcome to Sex Help for Smart People. I'm Dr. Laura Jurgens. I'm here to help you have better sex, intimacy, and relationships. So let's get at it. Hey everyone, welcome to episode 57. Today we are talking about threesomes and moresomes, especially like, fantasy versus reality and avoiding common mistakes.

[00:00:26] Because I always want you to have as much fun as possible. And if you want to do something and you're interested in doing it, you want to maximize your enjoyment of that. So lots of folks have fantasies about threesomes or moresomes. A smaller portion of people actually try to make it happen. And then an even smaller portion of people actually do make it happen.

[00:00:50] And then out of those people, an even smaller portion actually have fun. So a lot of people who do try to make this happen, they go to all this trouble because there is actually some trouble. So we will talk about what kind of effort it takes to set this up today. A lot of people who do manage to get there.

[00:01:10] They find out in reality, they find the pitfalls the hard way, and I want to save you from some of that by helping walk you through some important lessons that I've learned and that I've learned from others along this way who are experimenting with threesomes and moresomes because they can be really fun.

[00:01:29] If you avoid some of the common pitfalls, right? They're often though very different from what people expect based on fantasies. And that is something we will talk about today. The fun of threesomes and moresomes, the fun, we'll just call this group sex, the fun of group sex really scales with the intentional preparation.

[00:01:55] So what I mean by that is more preparation equals more fun. We don't want to go into this spontaneously unless you just don't care what the outcome is at all and you don't care if anybody ever wants to do it again. So we'll talk about the prep that goes in, especially for like a good first threesome session, and you'll want to keep doing that prep if you want to keep having group sex.

[00:02:19] Okay, so let's dive in. So first up. You will really want to decide if you want to try this in reality or just really lean into your fantasies and it is wonderful. Whatever you decide is great. If you have some fantasies about group sex, I really recommend spending some time really leaning into those first.

[00:02:44] And we'll talk a little bit about why that is actually wonderful. But if you've had any sort of shame around it or any editing of your fantasies, really spending some time to lean into them and allow yourself to really play with them, allow yourself to really be immersed in your fantasies, can give you a lot of satisfaction.

[00:03:06] If you want to try threesomes or moresomes in reality, here are a few things to know. So going about this intentionally is very helpful. It will take both a fair bit of work and a fair bit of time investment, as well as emotional preparation that you really can't skip to be successful. And by successful, I mean, everyone has fun and you don't wind up with massive drama.

[00:03:35] So that could be emotional fallout, major disappointments or regrets or breakups, STIs, your wallet stolen, a bad reputation so that nobody ever wants to threesome you again, etc. Right? That, I'm putting all that in the basket of massive drama. Instead, we want you to have fun. We want everybody to have fun.

[00:03:55] So it really helps to go about it intentionally. And if you are considering being a third for a couple, the sort of quote unquote unicorn, I'm talking to you too. And please be very wary that the couple you're considering screwing has done their homework and done this work and is willing to do all this intentionally with you.

[00:04:16] That usually makes for a better experience for everyone, and I think we'll see why over the course of this podcast as we talk about it more, right? Sometimes when we just have things in fantasy, we forget that reality is going to be quite different. So we want to really That's why I'm here doing this for you today.

[00:04:35] Okay, so if the goal, at least what I suggest is your goal. You don't have to have this as your goal. But if the goal is that everyone feels safe, has fun, and everyone feels included, it's like, you know, good afterwards, right? I like that goal, so I'm going to just assume that you want that goal. You do you, of course.

[00:04:56] But if your goal winds up being totally self focused, where it's something like I get my fantasy, right? That would be your goal. You are actually less likely to have a good time and your partners are definitely less likely to have a good time. It's really important to release some attachment to getting exactly what's going on in your fantasy in reality.

[00:05:20] Because what's going to happen is real human beings are going to be involved and they aren't going to behave like the fake people in your head that you control. That's good. We like free will. We, it keeps life interesting. But it can really butt up against what's going on in your fantasy. Because most of the time that people want to do this in reality, it's because at least one person in the partnership has a fantasy.

[00:05:45] And I'm not even really going into today. All the like jealousies and emotional stuff that can come up with this, and there's a lot of that, that's relationship dynamic stuff, we could have a whole nother episode or actually a whole course on that. And that really is going to require some extra help.

[00:06:03] Today we're really just going through like preparation, logistics, thinking it through how to find, how to get set up if everybody's on board. So if you are in a couple and not everybody's on board, that's a whole nother issue. Right? That's a can of worms we are, we're not doing today, but we can, we can do in the future if you want.

[00:06:22] Or you can come get some coaching, which you probably will need. But here's where, so doing the multi person stuff in your head, one, that's not going to create conflict with your partner usually. If it does create conflict with your partner, then we should talk about that. But doing multi person stuff in your head, you get to control all those people.

[00:06:44] You get to make it perfect for you without pesky actual human beings getting in the way with their own needs and desires and boundaries and personal hygiene issues and STI status and schedules and whatever. So if you want to keep this in fantasy or keep it there 99 percent of the time or 91 percent of the time or whatever, I really applaud and encourage you to do that as much as you like.

[00:07:12] really lean into and enjoy your fantasies because you do get to control everything. And it's really easy to schedule. It's really easy to, you don't have to get tested, like none of this stuff, right? There is none of the logistical hurdles and none of the real emotional hurdles that can happen with reality.

[00:07:32] So if you want to keep it there, that is totally an option. We can have tons of fantasies that we never do in reality and that can be really satisfying. Especially if we allow ourselves to have them, if we really allow ourselves to enjoy them. So that is totally an option. If, however, you do want to try to make it happen in real life, I also applaud and encourage you just to know that you are signing up for a fair bit of effort.

[00:08:00] Okay, I'm, because I'm not going to lie to you and tell you it's easy. It is not easy, especially if you want repeat experiences. You need to find the other people, right? So if it's a third for your couple or if it's another two, if you're solo. And They may, if you want them to be together or not together, right, these are different searches.

[00:08:21] And you all need to be somewhat attracted to each other. Or if someone's just watching, you at least need to be comfy with that person. And so we'll find, we'll come back to ways to find people later in the episode. But let's start first just to be sure to increase your odds of success. You want to be someone, as much as you can, that people will want to have group sex with.

[00:08:46] That doesn't mean you need to look like a movie star. But it does mean that taking care of yourself is a good idea. And that means physically and emotionally being an appealing partner. So that includes being a good communicator, learning really excellent consent and boundary care, having great personal hygiene and grooming, which I know sounds obvious, but seriously, you would not believe how many men skip this step, men especially.

[00:09:12] But, you know, really actually thinking about not just what I look like, but how am I showing up as a partner, right? Making sure you're recently tested for STIs and you're willing to share those results. Most people need the most help with the first two on this list. Those are being a good communicator and learning good consent and boundary care.

[00:09:37] So you can start with the podcast on attunement and consent in this podcast as a place just to get, get started, but don't skip those things. If you are a dude, you will also really need to make sure, because this is usually a problem mostly for Cis men, make sure you are not spilling sexual energy out on people, which tends to creep them out.

[00:10:02] You want to make sure you are good with your holding your own sexual energy, which will help people feel safe. So be sure to listen to that podcast too. So I have some resources here for y'all. And obviously you can, you know, come get coaching if I have space. Okay. So let's say that you are, you've gotten really great at communication.

[00:10:21] You've gotten really great at consent. You know how not to be creepy. You know how to be attuned to your partners. You've got great hygiene, and your stack of recent test results is ready. So let's say for the sake of this podcast, this thought exercise we're doing right here, that you've already found your other people.

[00:10:40] You know. One or two of them, right, to add to your mix. Or, you know, however, twelve or however many. That's gonna take some, boy, that's gonna take some scheduling. So, finding your third, I know, it's one of the hard things. We're gonna cover how to start searching later in this episode. But let's say for now that that's done.

[00:10:59] Let's even say you shared your STI tests and you've picked a location to get together. Those are things that you will want to do. They're not super hard, so I'm just gonna say that we've checked those boxes. So the next, one of the next boxes you're gonna need to figure out how to check is the scheduling.

[00:11:16] And I kid you not, this is no joke. Expect it to be a bit of a challenge. The more people involved, the harder it is. And it is one of the big challenges with group sex is actually just scheduling, figuring out a time that this is gonna work for everybody. All right, so let's assume you've sorted that out.

[00:11:36] Woo! Celebrate that! Yay! Okay, so the next up thing that you need to do for your preparation is setting your scene. So now look, you could go into this with no preparation, just to sort of like, you know, Let's get together and spontaneously have sex, and I can almost promise that it will not go great. I speak from my own experience and other people's experiences, including a bunch of other sex coaches I know.

[00:12:04] We have had very honest conversations about these things, which are very illuminating and useful for our work with our clients, but Lots of, here's the deal, lots of shitty times have been had by people just trying to wing threesomes. So if you are a like, I am so attached to spontaneity kind of person, I want to say kind of get over yourself and stop that because it's not really going to help this situation.

[00:12:31] Hence the result for threesomes or moresomes in blow ups, boring experiences, disappointments, someone just acting weird. All kinds of shit goes on. You name it. Adding in another human doesn't make things magically sexy like it might in your fantasy. Adding in another real human tends to confuse things.

[00:12:54] Right? We get like a, okay, who's doing what, when, who's getting attention. Someone didn't ask about getting a finger there and gets mad or hurt. Someone feels left out. Someone gets nervous last minute and goes all silent and weird and like kills the sexual energy. The pace that works for one person freaks someone else out, right?

[00:13:14] This is just what you are signing up for if you were trying to do quote unquote spontaneity. So let's throw that out the window. And to keep things in a happy place. Where there's consent, it's relaxed, it's sexy. We are going to do a lot of preparation to set the scene that will help avoid misunderstandings as much as possible.

[00:13:37] And I promise there will still be plenty of misunderstandings and the plan is probably also going to go out the window to some extent. But it will give you a framework and like a container that will help people feel more safe and able to communicate because it's easier to modify a plan that exists than to come up with one on the fly.

[00:13:57] Okay. There will still be plenty of awkwardness, especially the first time. And I will throw this caveat in there that I really encourage you to resist the temptation to use substances to help you out of the awkwardness. This is not the time to drink or get high. It's important that everybody is fully present, especially with new partners.

[00:14:20] That will help keep people safe because you can't be attuned if you are high or drunk. So just let it be awkward and silly and expect that and embrace it and you'll be fine. That is a really important part of new sexual encounters, especially with multiple people, is just embrace that it's going to be a little awkward and silly and that's totally okay.

[00:14:44] It actually can be part of the fun. Alright, so setting up your scene as much as you can in advance means each of you spend some time just like noodling on, which I, by which I mean thinking about, and writing down. What you'd really like to get out of the experience. And you need to write this down so that you are prepared to share it with these potential partners.

[00:15:08] So what feelings, here's some questions to ask yourself. What feelings do you want to have in this experience? What actual acts or experiences are you particularly interested in trying? And what are your hard no's? What are things you are not interested at all in trying? Where are your boundaries? What do you need in order to feel safe?

[00:15:32] In order to feel free and at choice? What do you need in order to feel included? Right? What do you need in order to get aroused normally? What do you need to get off and actually have an orgasm if you'd like to during this experience? You may or may not get it, right? But write down what you actually need.

[00:15:55] In order to make that happen for you, usually. Write down, is there anything you really desperately want to avoid about this experience? What will make you nervous? What are your needs or wants for aftercare? So, are you going to want everyone to have a check in about their experience? That's always, you know, kind of a good idea.

[00:16:16] You don't have to do it immediately. Probably not everybody wants to do it that immediately, but you might want to schedule a time to do it. Are you going to want to group cuddle? Are you going to want to shower and a snack? Are you going to want to nap? Are you going to only want to connect with your partner afterwards and you're going to want to send the other person out the door?

[00:16:33] That's important to know and to communicate if you think that that's you. Right? That may or may not work for everybody. But do your best to really guess based on what you know about who you actually are now. Do not do this. Do not plan all this stuff based on who you wish you'd be if you were the perfect robot in your head.

[00:16:55] Right? What are your actual needs for aftercare? What's actually going to make you nervous? What's actually going to help you feel included? In reality with actual human beings, not in your fantasy in your head, right? Okay, so write all that stuff down and then I want you to do two things with your list before you take it to these other people.

[00:17:18] First is go through all the things that you kind of want to happen and see if you can release some attachment to getting everything on that list. Especially for the first time, Try to see if you can just allow it to be play and exploratory. You may get some of those things and you may not. Try to let your desires be a little flexible for right now.

[00:17:42] If it goes well, you can work towards that for next time. But if you get too set on getting everything you want, you won't leave room for the play and the experience with other people and making sure that everybody gets at least a little bit of a good time the first time. Okay. It also will feel less safe to other people if you're really attached to just like your agenda.

[00:18:07] Okay, so the second thing I want you to do with your list, besides kind of wiggling your attachment to your desires, is go back over your list and see if you can really allow yourself to honor any boundaries that you wrote. This is the opposite of what you do with desires. You want those to be a little loose, but let the boundaries be even firmer.

[00:18:27] In the moment, you will be tempted to relax your boundaries to please other people or perform. And then afterwards, you'll feel awful and resentful and there will be drama. So really, just give yourself permission to have boundaries now. Maybe make them even a little bit firmer than they normally would be.

[00:18:47] Let yourself support and approve of having them. So that you feel comfortable telling other people that this is really important to you. Okay? So, and if this just means that all you do is watch from a closet, then fine. Right? First time. You're in a group setting. If this means that all you do is have somebody sort of like fingering you while the couple next to you has like, sex, right?

[00:19:14] Like, fine. Right? Just, it doesn't have to be anything in particular the first time. Just allow yourself to have whatever boundaries you have to be a little flexible in your desires. All right. So now you go talk to the other two people. Okay. about your flexible desires and your non negotiable boundaries for the first experience and see if you can all get creative and have kind of fun mapping out a rough plan for your first adventure.

[00:19:42] We want it to enable playtime without crossing anyone's boundaries and just be flexible so that it's like stays in sexy land, right? And that may mean that you don't get all the things on your list and that's totally okay. And it may mean somebody else doesn't and that's okay. If they're horribly disappointed to the point where they're like pulling out of the whole thing because they don't like your boundaries, they're not the right person for you to have sex with.

[00:20:07] That's totally okay. Go back to the drawing board. So, if you get super stuck in the negotiation of the first experience, and you need help, I'm good at helping, but also you can go to a good sex therapist, can usually help there too. Or, you know, sit on it, really get creative about it, think about it, you can usually come up with something.

[00:20:28] A special note if you're a couple, remember that you will be inviting a person who is outside your couple dynamic. It is your job not to be super couple y and make, like, to actually make space for this person and pay attention to them and be aware of your couple dynamic. It is really not. It is not fair to invite someone in to play with you if the two of you are having troubles.

[00:20:55] It is not fair to put them in that position. It will feel bad to them. So make sure you're in a good place together and you can be generous towards another person without a bunch of underlying weirdness. They are not there as a sex toy for the two of you. They're their own person with their own needs.

[00:21:14] So you both need to be really cognizant of being extra inclusive of them. Okay, and a lot of couples inviting thirds learn this the hard way, and the thirds never want to have sex with them again. So please, you know, be proactive on this. Couples who are successful with thirds are very good at this. Very good at being really inclusive towards the other person, very generous towards the other person, and very not, like, stuck in there couple y shit.

[00:21:43] Okay. After you've done all this, it's time to, like, gather your toys, your lube, your snacks, your comfy things, and get to the actual party itself. But there's also some tips for the actual date itself, because of course, now we come when the rubber hits the road, things change, right? So I want to invite you to let it be whatever it is, with a focus on respect and consent.

[00:22:13] And that will help you make everything, all the relationships stay okay, regardless of what happens in the actual date itself. And this means for you. To really show up open to change based on how the other people feel in the moment. I would say expect the plan to change. Plans are there just to create the container to ease the experience, not to be set in stone.

[00:22:38] Also, allow room for somebody to change their mind or to have something happen. You know, if someone has a broken leg or massive period cramps, or just gets cold feet and can't get comfortable enough to do it at the last minute, please be understanding and don't take it as a personal rejection. Don't throw a fit that they need to back out.

[00:23:00] I can promise this really sucks, it's happened to me, and it really feels like my, my need for consent wasn't respected. Consent based sex means allowing everyone to be at choice at all times with no attempted coercion or emotional rejection if they don't want to have sex at that moment. It's not about you.

[00:23:19] It's about whatever's going on for them. If you are respectful of that, they will want to reschedule with you. If you were not respectful of that, they won't. I can promise. Because I certainly didn't in that case. If you are in the middle of the experience and it's not going well, also, take a moment, pause, see if you can lighten things up and take the pressure out of the system.

[00:23:44] You could do something like play a game. You could grab some oil and just massage each other. You could listen to music for a bit and just relax together. Just see if you can take pressure out of the system if you notice that things are starting to feel awkward, okay? All right, so how do we find people who might be into doing this kind of thing with us?

[00:24:06] There's two main ways that I suggest. One is going through kink communities, and two is certain types of dating apps with a very good profile. All right, so one dating app possibility is Field. I'm not given any money by them, by the way. There's both. Others, I'm not sure, but that's the one that I'm most familiar with, and I will tell you that most people who put up profiles looking for a third do it really badly, and I would never in a million years reach out to them because their profile is so bad.

[00:24:41] It is not set up showing me that they have done any of this prep work. So, if you want to do it that way, I do think it can work, but you really want to get some help setting up a profile well. If you have friends who've been successful doing this, ask them to help you, you know, come get some coaching help or find help from somebody to set up the profile well.

[00:25:06] And then you will have much more success. So the other way to find people is through kink communities, which is a great place to find couples or thirds or groups. And you start by going to non sexual mingle events and actually just getting to know people. So, you can go to something called munches, which is really common in the kink community as a non sexual event, usually at a restaurant where people just get together and get to know each other.

[00:25:32] And, you know, you're not wearing kinky clothes or anything, you're just in street clothes and you just kind of get to know who these people are. Other non sexual events could be like karaoke nights, dance parties, etc. hosted by kink communities. And usually in any given location there are some kink communities.

[00:25:51] If you are super duper rural you may have to go to your nearest larger town. But what I suggest you do to find these communities is go on, and I also am not affiliated with FetLife at all, and I Beef in a lot of ways. I have so many critiques on life, but it is really helpful for this if you don't go crazy down the FetLife wormhole.

[00:26:14] So FetLife is a website. You can go on there and make a profile, an anonymous profile. Do not get hung up on trying to be as kinky as the, like more kinky than the next guy. Don't like try to get all bro ish and treat it like a competition for who's the kinkiest. You don't have to be super kinky in order to be on FetLife.

[00:26:38] Just make a profile so that you can become aware of what events are happening in your area. Make it as honest as possible. It's totally anonymous and just use it to find local events. Then when you go to these non sexual events and get to know people, you may start getting invited to play parties. Or you may just find people that you're interested in propositioning.

[00:27:03] Yay, that's awesome. So those are the two best ways in my experience to find folks to play in threesomes or moresomes. And if more than three, I would definitely go through the kink community rather than a dating app. In the meantime, so that's going to take, just know that's going to take some effort and investment.

[00:27:22] And that makes sense, right? It's not like. You're ordering a pizza. You're trying to find someone who actually wants to play with you in a sexual setting. It's just as hard as finding an It's actually a little bit more hard sometimes than finding another person just through a dating app. Right? So it does take some effort, it takes consistency, it takes going out and meeting people and being a normal human being and a real person and being honest with them.

[00:27:47] It takes self awareness, all that stuff. If you need help, you come and you get coaching, or you find help elsewhere, totally fine. Totally understandable and very normal to need some help with this process. In the meantime, be sure to really lean into enjoying your multiple person fantasies, because those are the easiest way to get what you want without the hassle.

[00:28:09] So, you can even simulate a third with an existing partner. with an extra toy. So like if you enjoy playing with your fantasies, you know, maybe try a butt plug and imagine you've got a third person with a finger cock in your ass. Yay! Or maybe try some nipple clamps and imagine it's another person sort of tweaking your nips from behind, right?

[00:28:30] Get creative with bringing in your fantasies with your partner if you want to and you both feel comfortable with that. And it's okay to talk about that and ask for it, right? If you just want to do it on your own, have fun with your masturbation, with your fantasies, really elaborate on them, lean into them, enjoy that.

[00:28:49] And if you do want to do the work to get a threesome going in real life, I wish you a wonderful adventure, loads of fun. You will at least meet people. That could be really nice. And it can be really fun if you set it up well. So, go forth, have a great time, I'll see you here next week. Hey, if you're curious about how you could have better sex and connections, go grab my free guide, Find Your Secret Turn Ons.

[00:29:15] It's right on my website, www.laurajurgens.com, and the link is in the show notes. I'll see you here next time.