Want Better Sex & Relationships? Practice This.

A lot of people want great relationships and sex lives. Not a lot of people are doing anything useful to get there. Today's episode will walk you through a super common trap most people are stuck in -- and show you how to get out of it. I will explain exactly what you need to start practicing to get what you want. 

Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

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Transcript

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Welcome to Sex Help for Smart People. I'm Dr. Laura Jurgens. I'm here to help you have better sex, intimacy and relationships. So let's get at it. Hey everyone. Welcome to episode 63. So today we are talking about what to practice. If you want better intimacy, you want better relationships, better sex life. A lot of people want great relationships, great sex lives.

Of course. Sadly, not a lot of people are actually doing anything useful to get themselves there, and that just makes me really sad, which is one of the reasons I do this podcast and come talk to all of you in your car or your house while you're cutting vegetables or on your walk or wherever you are right now.

I am here. To help you figure out how to take action to get what you want. There are actual, real practical ways to actually get a great sex life and great relationships. Just like there are ways to have a really healthy body, right, A really fit body that works well. You might go to a physical therapist if you have any particular challenges with mobility or movement, and you wanna have better mobility and movement, or a personal trainer, and I'm like a physical therapist or a personal trainer for relationships.

So you would go to a doctor to diag to diagnose a problem, right? You might go to a therapist to find out what ha, you know, why whatever happened with your mom when you were three. Has resulted in some fear of attachment or something, but you will come to me when you are ready to actually work on it.

Just like you go to a physical therapist when you're ready to actually start figuring out how to improve your mobility and your movement and heal an injury. So I help people with. Relationships, having great sex lives, great relationships every day. And this is why my clients are really happy, right? They walk out the door saying like this week I had somebody say, I know I say this every week, but this is so dang helpful.

Thank you so much. I had somebody else say, oh my God, I can't believe how well this is actually working. And I'm so grateful we found you. And I don't say that to brag 'cause I don't actually need to. And to be honest. I am, you know, justifiably proud of both me and my clients. Of course, yes, they do get the results they pay me for.

I love that. But I am really proud of them because they are doing the work and I admire and respect that so much. Just like the people who go to the physical therapist to get that mobility. And to get that movement strength. My clients are coming and getting help and practicing what they need to practice in order to get the transformation they want in their life.

And I am so just in awe of people who do that because I do see so many people who just don't take. The time and effort and money to invest in actually getting what they want. And that just makes me sad because people sit around being much more miserable than they need to be. People who are actually investing the effort, time, and money to get what they want, practicing taking action on their relationship in their sex life, that means they're gonna get their returns.

On those investments that they're making. But unfortunately a lot of us, and we've all been there, including me and including I'm sure like all my clients before they came to me, right. But me for sure, we've all been at times in a place where instead of actually putting the investment in to get the return out, that we want to get our goal accomplished.

We are practicing and investing in the opposite, and I have certainly done it, so this is not any judgment, but I do want to say investing in your future and practicing new things so that you can create your own transformation. It is so powerful. It is so powerful when you take that step of taking responsibility for your own future outcomes.

And it is brave. And so I really admire and respect it and I admire and respect myself when I, for the things that times and places that I have done that too. And. I want to help you today. My gift to you today is a question that I hope will help you a lot to get started on making some transformations of your own, wherever that is in your life.

And I'm gonna assume that if you're here, it might be that you would like to improve your intimacy. You would like to improve your sex life, you'd like to improve the quality of your relationship, and that's awesome. That's a worthy goal. We know the quality of our relationships is the biggest predictor of our happiness in this life, and I am absolutely here for that.

So this question that I'm gonna offer you today, and I'm gonna tell you all about why I am offering it to you, and I'm gonna kind of hammer it home because I think it's so important. This is a question that if you are absolutely honest with yourself, it can bring you so much clarity about why you have more agency and more power than you think.

To get exactly what you want. And here's the question. The question is, what are you practicing? I'm gonna explain what I mean by that and how to use it. What you are giving your future self. The returns you get depend on the investments you are making. Now, what jar are you putting your pennies into? What pennies are you putting in?

Are you practicing the things that will get you to your goals? Or are you practicing the opposite? Are you practicing what a lot of people are practicing, which is avoidance, complaining, or undermining yourself in some way, shape or form? We've all done it. It doesn't get us very far. Sometimes we start noticing that we've been practicing that, and the more and more we've practiced it.

The harder it is to pull ourselves out from under that, but it can be done. So for example, when I used to feel really bad about my looks, I absolutely hated looking in the mirror because I didn't like my face. Once upon a time, a kid in high school told me I was ugly and should wear a bag over my head, and I internalized that and used it against myself for the rest of my life until I stopped.

But until I stopped, I was telling myself that I was ugly. I was telling myself I look like my mother, which if you know me at all you would know, is literally the worst thing anyone can say to me, including me saying to me. So of course, I felt like shit about my looks. I was practicing being mean to myself about my own face.

So guess what I got really good at? I got really good at being mean to myself about my own face. So good that it was second nature in order to change. My experience, I had to stop practicing being shitty to myself and start practicing being kinder about my faith, and it was hard to make that switch for me.

This was sticky enough that I really needed help to start practicing something new. It was so much second nature that I couldn't really see my way out of doing that to myself. I needed help, so I made an investment in coaching. This is one of my early co experiences with coaching. And I got that help. I started practicing being kinder to myself.

I stopped believing I look bad because I stopped practicing telling myself that I started investing in believing, investing time, energy, and money in believing better things about myself, and I get to reap the returns on that investment every fucking day. And I love it. It was oh my gosh, the best money, time, and effort spent, and I learned that investing in myself and my own capacity for transformation and to know how to do that for myself was an investment that would give returns for the rest of my life in compound ways that I couldn't even foresee.

I adore that. I spent that money and I spent a buttload of money. I spent like 10 K and on coaching and it was worth every penny, even though I didn't, I was like finishing grad school and didn't have a job yet. It was totally worth it, and I know other people who came into that same coaching program and.

Invested. They like moved in with parents in order to pay for that investment and do not regret it at all because it helped them on their journey to get the job that they wanted or to get whatever it was that they wanted in their life. We invested in ourselves and that was great because we learned how to practice things that were much more in our own service.

What we practice becomes what we're good at, and it becomes second nature When we wanna change something, when we wanna make a major transformation, we have to practice something new. And we usually need to make some sort of investment time and effort for sure, and often money if we need help, because then that pays for someone else's time and effort who's gonna help us.

That totally makes sense. And then we get to reap the rewards of that investment. We get the returns on that investment. Investing in your own brain is always a great idea. The returns are amazing and empowering because you change your capacity and nobody can ever take that away from you and it won't ever lose its value.

It won't ever like break or get, you know, need to get replaced or anything like that. A lot of us though, are sitting around wanting returns on investments that we haven't made and we want the body or the fitness or the self-worth. Without ever having actually put the effort and time and money in to get those things because our culture doesn't just like hand out self-worth very well.

It doesn't, most parents didn't get it from their parents. They don't know how to instill that in children. Our culture not definitely doesn't hand out great information on how to be in relationships. Nothing in fact. It tends to hand out the most horrible information on how to relate to other people ever.

It's the opposite of what we need to do, is mostly what we learn. Our culture doesn't hand out free information on how to have a great sex life. It's absolutely the opposite. We have shit for sex education, and the stuff that we do have is all about like basic anatomy and doesn't even include women's arousal.

Like nothing about the fact that women even get aroused or how to do it. Nothing about women's orgasms. People are trying to learn from sex. About sex from porn, and that's just fake entertainment for men mostly. So of course you didn't get handed these things, so you might have to invest time and effort and money in learning them makes sense, right?

But when we aren't making the investment. We can't expect to reap the benefits of the return on those investments. So like a simple fitness example applies just as well to relationship goals. A lot of people are practicing, sitting around complaining that they aren't fit or wishing they were fit or berating themselves for not being fit.

And what they are practicing is sitting, complaining, wishing and berating themselves. So that's what they get good at. They're investing their time and effort into sitting, complaining, wishing and berating themselves, and the returns they get from those things are getting really good at those things and the outcomes of those things, which is like poor physical and emotional health, feeling bad about themselves and people in their lives who expect that kind of behavior from them and can tolerate it.

That's what they're getting. And it sucks and I've been there too. So no shade. But if we are not investing in exercising or learning how to support our goals for exercising, we won't get the returns from the investment of exercising, right? Which would be getting fitter and like knowing how to support your own goals mentally and emotionally, and starting to feel better about yourself.

Because you're showing up for yourself to do the things that you want to do. And yes, it is absolutely hard to make the switch from practicing sitting around complaining and being mean to yourself. It's so hard to make that switch. I know. But it can be done. Right. So maybe they just start with a baby step.

They hire some help, a personal trainer or a physical therapist who's gonna help get them moving until they have a new habit. Awesome. I admire that so much, that bravery of trying to do something new. So that's what I mean by the question. What are you practicing? What returns do you actually want? And are you practicing the right things to get you there?

Are you making the investments? I. To get those returns. If you want a great sex life and you want connected, supported relationships, you need to invest in learning how to have a great sex life and practicing the steps that get you connected, supportive relationships. That's what we do in my practice, that's what I do with people every day.

There are things you can do. I had to learn them too from the ground up. I was practically like. Raised by wolves. I mean, well, I was actually raised by cats. That was my, those were my secure attachment figures. But I didn't learn that stuff. I didn't learn those things just from my family or from the world.

I didn't learn how to have a great sex life. I didn't learn how to have a good sense of what I wanted in intimacy. I didn't learn how to interact with other human beings very well and effectively in close, intimate relationships. Thankfully, I found people to teach me, but if you're sitting around and shaming yourself for your wants and desires, or blaming your partner, or feeling disconnected or rejected, or resentful, or avoiding the problems and not taking action.

Or just being scared of trying new things, then just know that is actually what you're practicing getting good at. That sucks. 'cause you're getting really good at shaming, blaming, avoiding feeling the feelings, disconnection, resentment, rejection, or fear. And I don't want that for you. I don't want you to get good at those things.

Most of us have done it enough that we're all pretty good at it, including me. But if on the other hand, you decide to invest in getting help to know how to be better connected, you invest in practicing. What you need to practice to have better relationships and better sex, to be better connected to yourself and your partner.

Then doing that practice, which is, you know, to be honest, usually pretty fun practice actually. Then you're investing in practicing in a direction that will actually get you the results you want and the returns on that investment are in alignment with your goals. So keep coming back to this. Are you practicing the things you really want to know how to do?

Well? Or are you practicing the opposite of what you actually want to get better at? I think in some ways this is kind of a way to explain coaching too. It's exactly what coaching is for, and this is why it's so radically different from therapy. It's not about just talking about your past, which can you know, come into play and that can be very important for certain things.

I am a hundred percent pro therapy. But I don't think that it helps people learn new ways of being very effectively. It doesn't help you with your present and your future as well as it does help you kind of digest your past. And coaching is about helping you identify what you need to practice to reach your particular goals and help you actually know how to practice those things so that you get the returns on that investment.

And that's why I hear so many people say, I'm. Making so much more change, so much more quickly now that I'm doing coaching instead of therapy, because we're actually doing the work, right? We're not just talking about it. You're getting the benefit of practicing being in alignment with your goals. So that's the.

Return you get when you make an investment in getting coaching on relationships and intimacy, you get better relationships and intimacy. But when you just practice avoidance or fears or shaming yourself or thinking you don't deserve things, which is not true at all, or thinking that change is impossible, then you get really good at believing you don't deserve things and that change is impossible, right?

You get really good at creating fear and avoidance for yourself, and all of us have been there, but. The difference is when you look at people who've CH made changes and had transformations, they had a moment where they decided enough of that shit. They decided, I am willing to start practicing new things.

They have a moment that's like I am willing to start practicing, believing maybe I could have a major transformation in my relationship or sex life. I am willing to start believing, hey, maybe it is possible for me and maybe my happiness actually might be worth seriously investing in. And so I wanna acknowledge that it's not like flipping a switch, right?

Like new beliefs are hard, new things are hard, but life is hard either way. So we gotta choose what kind of hard we want. And personally, I vote for choosing your hard based on what. Kind of outcome you want. 'cause if you're gonna feel shitty either way, at times you're gonna feel happy either way too. But if you're gonna feel shitty sometimes you're gonna feel like things are hard.

Do you want the type of hard that comes from practicing believing that you don't deserve it or that change is impossible? Or do you want the kind of hard that comes from doing the work? And making the investments to change. Sometimes people just say that they don't want to do the hard things. You know, they don't wanna work out because it's hard and they don't wanna work on their relationship because it's hard and they don't wanna work on themselves because it's hard.

Right. And it's just a bummer because they're choosing a hard of avoidance. And I, I wanna just say like, do you want the type of pain, the type of hard you get from having to get your ass up and go to the gym? Or do you want the kind of pain and hard you get from chronic illness? I. Health issues and not being able to stand up off the toilet when you're older or not having the strength to do the things you want in your life.

That's hard too. Do we want the type of pain and hard from having nothing change? Sitting in a relationship that feels disconnected or unsatisfying or full of obligation and resentment? That is hard. That is absolutely hard. It's just often a familiar hard, or do we want the type of pain and hard we get from?

Hope from actually practicing new things from growing our own capacity to understand ourselves, to communicate with our partners. That's gonna be hard too. I personally would rather choose that hard and that type of pain of growth than the type of hard and pain from just feeling hopeless and resigned.

So. Same thing with, you know, are you worth? Are you worth it? Right? Do you want the type of pain that comes from believing you're incapable and you're not worth investing in? Or do you want the type of pain and hard from deciding to invest in yourself and believe it's worth it? And being a little scared about that whole thing, right?

Both have negative feelings associated with them. So I personally suggest you consider deciding based on the outcome, and a lot of people just don't want. They don't want the pain of their status quo, but they don't want the pain of change even more because they don't want the scary part of change.

Right? The, I don't know what's gonna happen. So I'm gonna pick, I'm gonna pick the hard I know, even if it sucks. And that is just what you get when you practice avoidance and you just tend to get more of what is already happening, right? So problems get more entrenched. We just like wind up doubling down on the status quo.

So that's why I'm asking this question and offering this question. What are you practicing All we have in to invest in our lives, right? We have time, we have energy, and we have money. Time and energy and money are the big ones and I consider energy to include, you know, a 10 and time to include like attention and effort and all that stuff.

Those are the big types of investments you can make. So, you know, some, an example, somebody might invest with me. Time, energy. And money to work on their relationships and their intimacy. They may, you know, they're gonna work with me, say maybe for, they're gonna sign up for a 12 week package. That's like the standard way people start working with me.

They're gonna work with me for 45 minutes to an hour of session time every week, unless we're on vacation or they're on vacation, whatever. Maybe 15 minutes of practicing homework that I give them, plus the energy of trying something new. Right, and then they're gonna invest money. So they're gonna pay me for that 12 weeks.

They may be $2,400. Okay. That's a big investment. What is it equivalent to? It's probably, you know, yeah, maybe it's, they're not gonna buy a designer handbag this year. Maybe they're not gonna do, you know, a quick trip to the beach where they still wind up feeling shitty and disconnected afterwards. Maybe it's a year worth of fancy coffee drinks at the Starbucks or whatever, and they're gonna make coffee at home instead.

In our culture, we are told by advertisers that it is great to invest in stuff all the time, and we've gotten really used to that. But then you just have stuff. But when you invest in you, you have new capacity, right? You, you actually get to change. You get to feel better. It always hilarious to me that people will spend 30 K on a wedding and not drop a fraction of that on learning how to actually be in a relationship.

But you know, that's why we have such a high divorce rate. When people invest in themselves, in their relationship and their own brains and their own capacity, they get their own transformation. It never expires. It's always there, right? It compounds. It gives returns forever. I never have to feel shitty about my face again.

And I've turned that skill. I learned and applied it to other parts of my life. So I actually know how to feel good about a lot of things. Best investment, so good. And I still have to practice stuff all the time. I have to practice affirming myself because I live in a world where we're constantly told we're supposed to look like that celebrity or that celebrity, but I know how to do it now.

And I like other stuff. I practice. I practice communicating vulnerably with my partner, which does not come easily or naturally to me. But I practice that so we don't have resentments build up, and we are like really happy to see each other all the time. We can go on vacations and not have any resentments.

We just like everything goes smoothly and it's joyful and wonderful. I'm so grateful for that and I'm so grateful to pass me for believing it could happen and making the investments. Putting the pennies in that jar, learning how to do it through practice. So if you want a transformation in any area of your life, please don't sit around practicing, believing it's impossible or not worth your effort or not worth your time and investment.

Because all you'll really get is good at believing those undermining things. So I wanna encourage you practice believing that your transformation you want is possible, and then when you're ready, invest in yourself so you can go get it. People who are actually making change. You haven't seen all their processes to get there.

Right. You just see the end point. Most of us, we don't see everybody else's struggles, but people who are making change and getting really great relationships, like my clients, they're not sitting on the couch investing and getting better at sitting on the couch and they're not complaining. I mean, they, they might get pretty good at that sometimes when they're tired, but Right.

They're not complaining. And it getting better at complaining. They're not just thinking everything's hopeless and getting better at thinking everything's hopeless and they aren't shaming themselves about what they want and suppressing their desires and getting really good at shaming and suppressing.

They did that before, which is why they wound up coming to me. So now they're taking action even though it's hard and I'm comfy. So what they learned somewhere along the way before they even came to me, they learned that they needed to at least believe change is possible. When they have a goal and everyone has come with some sort of relationship or sex life goal, they identified a goal and they decided it was possible to at least get help or even talk to somebody about maybe getting help, right?

So that's what they needed to believe in order to reach out to me. And I recommend that you try that. Whether ev you ever reach out to me for help or not, at least give yourself the gift of practicing belief. That change is possible. Practicing thinking that you can have what you want when you are ready to actually get it.

I'm here to help. Just reach out for free consultation. You can just go to my book, a consult link on my homepage and check my calendar. If you are not ready for that yet, at least be sure you get all my free resources by signing up for my newsletter, and you do that on my homepage too. And whatever, wherever you are at, just notice what are you practicing Notice if there's something you want in your life, and notice whether you are practicing the things to get you there or practicing the things to undermine you.

It is helpful to know even if you're practicing the undermining stuff. Step one is knowing that you're doing it right. So ask yourself, what am I practicing? Alright, my friends, I'll see you here next week. Hey, if you're curious about how you could have better sex and connections, go grab my free guide.

Find Your Secret Turn-Ons. It's right on my website, www.laurajurgens.com, and the link is in the show notes. I'll see you here next time.