Big Picture Know-How For Great Sex & Relationships

This episode gives you the bird's-eye view of what we all need to know and understand in order to have our best sex life and best relationships. You might want a pencil and paper for this one!

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Welcome to Sex Help for Smart People. I'm Dr. Laura Jurgens. I'm here to help you have better sex, intimacy and relationships. So let's get at it. Hey everyone. Welcome to episode 65. So today we are talking about what we all need in order to have good sex and relationships. And this is like a big list of kinda categories of skills and understandings that really are what underlie and enable good sex and relationships.

[00:00:38] And I'm giving it to you all in this one place. It's gonna be a pretty good long list. Broken down into some key categories. Those categories are needs and desires, emotional awareness, self-awareness, erotic knowledge, acceptance, loveability and embodiment, and boundaries. So we're gonna talk about what all of those things mean because I think sometimes we.

[00:01:10] You know, we take 'em, and especially on a podcast, right? I have a limited amount of time. You know, it's a moderately long, sometimes short format, but it's not as long as, you know, a novel or a book or something. But also we, we need to tackle usually one thing at a time, but sometimes that keeps us from seeing the big picture.

[00:01:31] And sometimes also if we dive in too much, we can kind of lose a sense of like, what is the overall process here? What is, what is it that we're really looking at and where do I wanna work, right? Where do I wanna focus my time and energy when it seems, you know, I could learn all kinds of things in order to improve my sex and relationships.

[00:01:53] We talked last time about learning being okay and my trust in you all that you're interested in learning things. Learning things about yourselves, learning things about how to relate to other people, learning things about your partners. I actually think all that learning's super fun. But what is it that we're trying to learn?

[00:02:10] Right? And you don't need to learn everything because in this list of stuff, there's gonna be a bunch that you are already good at, that you've got nailed, you've got locked down, and then there's gonna be some other things that you feel a little weak. That you could strengthen and some that you're like, I haven't even thought about that.

[00:02:29] I really need to work on that. Or some that feel almost impossible to you and that's because you haven't gotten the right help for them and that makes total sense. Most of these things are not things that we ever really get taught unless we happen to get sort of the family lottery and get really lucky if we win the family lottery.

[00:02:49] And somehow our parents are also managed to be sex positive and really. Help us understand pleasure and boundaries and things like that. That's amazing. Good for you. You may not even be listening to this podcast, but most of us didn't get that. There is somewhere where even well-intentioned parents, because they're also a product of our society and a product of their own parents' upbringing, there's ways that parents can't compensate for everything.

[00:03:17] In culture is the other thing that happens. So sometimes we have wonderful parents, but. We may have really secure attachment, for example, because of that, but we still don't have a lot of information about our own pleasure. We haven't had a really good sex education. So that's why I wanna give you sort of the big picture of all the things that we work on in my practice, so that if you want, and this is, look, if you are.

[00:03:42] Kind of like me, where you're a bit of a nerd. I am a proud, unapologetic nerd. If you are a bit of a nerd and or you just really wanna get good at intimacy in relationships because it, you know that it dramatically improves your quality of life and you wanna get confident, you wanna feel really capable, then what I wanna invite you to do is you can listen to this just without.

[00:04:10] Any doing any of this the first round, but I would invite you to come back to this episode with a piece of paper and go through and really actually figure out which of these things you wanna work on. Like write down some of them that feel particularly important, and also notice the ones that you're already really good at, and then the ones that you want.

[00:04:36] To kind of work on as your goals. And if you ever need help or want help, you know, you can reach out to me, but you could also, you know, work on some of these on your own for a little while first, if that feels best to you. Okay. So here we go. We're gonna dive in. Much of this list is from the place I did my training, the Somatica Institute, so I want to give that credit where it is due. 

And I wanna start with acceptance. So in the category of acceptance, the four big things we work on are self-acceptance as opposed to shame, understanding that you are wonderful.

[00:05:06] And you are okay and you are allowed to accept yourself and not be ashamed. Second is accepting other people as opposed to fearing or judging them. And when we fear and judge other people, we're usually also fearing and judging ourselves and vice versa. Another one is accepting that people have different desires and different needs that don't always match up with ours.

[00:05:32] And that that's okay. And we may need to choose what kind of relationship we wanna be in with them, if any, if they don't match up. But it, it's okay if they don't match up too in a lot of circumstances. Another one, the last one in this category generally is the acceptance of disappointment. That disappointment is part of life.

[00:05:55] And it's a normal part of life and we don't need everything to always be perfect in order to have a good life, but we often do benefit from being able to accept disappointment as normal. Okay. Next category is lovability, which is, there's a four things in that one too, I would boil it down to, and that is feeling that you're able to be lovable, feeling lovable.

[00:06:24] Knowing that even though you're not perfect, you're lovable. Giving love and then also receiving love. And a lot of people have a hard time with one or both of those, or even all four. So that is another category of things that we work on in my practice and is really important to having good relationships and a good sex life.

[00:06:48] Okay, so also emotional awareness. And there's a few more in this one. Number one is being able to feel your feelings, being able to actually feel them in your body and identify what they are. Number two is knowing that your experience and your feelings are actually important, even if they are kind of made up.

[00:07:11] By your worst imaginings, right? Even if they are not connected totally to reality of what is happening, it doesn't mean that your experience is not important and knowing, you know, that not, not, not necessarily like believing the story that your feelings are telling you that doesn't make them unimportant, but your feelings are not a reliable source of understanding what's going on with other people.

[00:07:41] And understanding truth, so being also a little skeptical of the story, your feelings are telling you, knowing how. Another one is knowing how to express your feelings and emotions vulnerably so that they will be most likely to be heard by another person without defensiveness, right? So being able to express yourself.

[00:08:06] Vulnerably. That is a really amazingly powerful skill and it is one that I had to work on a lot and most of my clients have work on, and it really helps a lot. So another one is knowing how to listen empathetically to other people's feelings, and also knowing that they don't necessarily mean anything bad about you.

[00:08:30] They're not something, somebody's feelings aren't something you did wrong. Even if they think so, and even if you did legitimately hurt them, it's okay for them to have negative or difficult feelings and that those are not permanent and they're not necessarily your fault. Right. Even if you have some responsibility there, we want to be able to listen empathetically and actually hear the other person with empathy and think, and by empathy I mean like being able to put yourself in their shoes.

[00:09:02] That's all. I mean, imagining how it feels to feel, you know, heard or betrayed or some of those things when somebody's telling you that's how they feel, even if it's about you. And that is a really big skill. That is, sounds really scary at first, but it actually can be learned and is really powerful.

[00:09:18] Okay. Another one in emotional awareness is how to be thoughtful and loving with both your feelings and the feelings of others without being a people pleaser or like kind of like. Crossing your own boundaries, those kinds of things. So that sort of balance between being empathetic and caring and taking on too much and being codependent.

[00:09:46] And the last one on this list I'll say is like not imagining that logistics are the same thing as feelings, or that thoughts are the same thing as feelings. So being able to discern the difference between feelings and logistical problems or opinions or judgements. So those are all really key skills in emotional awareness, and you can reflect on how you feel about your level on those without any shame, right?

[00:10:16] It's okay to be where we're at. It's absolutely okay. In fact, it's necessary. We have to be where we're at, so we might as well not feel bad about it. Alright, another one is needs and desires. So this is, I'm gonna use needs and wants kind of interchangeably. That is an area where people can argue about things really easily, and I think you can just get stuck in the weeds with that.

[00:10:45] And it's really more of a distraction than useful. So, you know, a want versus a need, we can, we can argue about it, but I'm just gonna lump 'em kind of together. So one is. To really feel in your body that it is okay for you to have needs and desires. That is something that not all of us have. I didn't always have that.

[00:11:09] A lot of people don't have it. It's okay if you don't, but it is something you can learn to know that it's absolutely okay. Not just in your head, but like in the practice of your life where you, you know, don't. Do things like I used to do, like try to drive myself to the hospital when I've like had a serious injury and stuff like that.

[00:11:28] I'm is okay to ask for help falls into this category. Alright, another one on this list. A knowing what you want and just knowing what you want is actually a skill that takes some time to develop for a lot of us. Alright, another one. Knowing that your desires, including your sexual desires are okay. No matter what the desire itself is okay to have, even if it's like illegal or unethical, it's okay that you have the desire.

[00:12:03] Where we get into moral problems is when we act on a desire non consensually or with a non-consenting adult, right? But the desire itself is not a problem. It's okay to have a desire. And the more we shame ourselves about our desires, the less we're actually able to find creative and fun ways to play with our desires with other consenting adults.

[00:12:28] So it's very much useful to know it's okay for you to have your own desires. All right. Another one here is to know that you can have your desires met or accepted in different ways. That actually do honor, consent, and boundaries of society in which we live. So that means it's a little bit different than just knowing that it's okay to have your desires, is actually knowing that you can have your desires met or accepted by others in consensual ways that are ethical within the boundaries of our societies.

[00:13:02] It is very rare that your desire can't be met at all. If you can be kind of open and flexible about how that looks. Alright, another one here is to be able to ask for your needs and desires to be met. Remembering, of course, right, that other skill that we all have to accept disappointment in this life sometimes, but knowing that it's actually okay to ask.

[00:13:27] And then the last one in this category is knowing and understanding that sometimes your needs will be met. And sometimes they won't. Sometimes your desires and needs will be met, but sometimes they won't. And we can all understand these, pretty much everything I'm telling you today. Intellectually, most of us understand them to be like.

[00:13:51] Good things and useful and oh yeah, we kind of agree with that or whatever. It's very different to know it in your head and be able to say, oh yeah, that sounds like good plan, right. Than to actually be living it and feeling it in your body. Many of us have a disconnect with what we think in our head. Oh, it's okay.

[00:14:12] You know, to ask for my needs to be met. Yeah, sure. I agree with that. But then when it comes down to actual practice, we're not actually doing it. So what I'm talking about is, are you actually doing these things? And that includes, you know, that knowledge that sometimes the needs will be met, sometimes they won't.

[00:14:32] So we can all agree on that intellectually, but. Do you feel like it's actually okay when it happens, when one of your needs isn't met as like, okay, here's one of those times where I need to feel my feelings and move through my disappointment and allow this to just be part of like the other side, you know, the 50 50 of life that's sometimes it's disappointing and hard and my needs aren't always met, or does it become a crisis and somebody's, you know.

[00:14:59] Not doing what they quote unquote are supposed to according to your mind. Alright, another one. Another category is both embodiment and boundaries, and they really do go together. So being able to be in your body and feel the sensations of your emotional experience that is embodiment. To feel alive in your body, to be connected to your emotions as they happen, to feel them, as sensations in your body that is really feeling life.

[00:15:37] And it is amazing. It is amazing. I know as somebody who was not embodied before and who had to learn that from the ground up. Another part of this is to know that your body is yours. It is not somebody else's. It is not. Nobody else is entitled to it. Nobody else is entitled to having access to it without your interest and pleasure, and explicit, enthusiastic consent, your body is yours.

[00:16:06] It is not there to be. In service of somebody else. All right, another one here is knowing, like embodied, knowing in your body that it is okay for you to have boundaries be. This includes being able to actually say no to people and feeling like it, you know, maybe it's challenging sometimes, but you can hold yourself through that and you actually know that it's okay for you.

[00:16:30] It doesn't cause a panic and it doesn't feel impossible. So knowing it's okay to have boundaries is one, but actually knowing what your boundaries are is another one. And that's separate because we can oftentimes have trouble with both. Maybe we don't actually know in our body. We know in our head it's okay to have boundaries, but we might not know in our body that it's okay to have boundaries and actually live our lives that way, as if it's okay to have boundaries.

[00:16:57] But we also. Just might not know what ours are. And sometimes that's just normal, like right, if it's a new thing and you have never experienced it before, you might not realize that you have a boundary about it that's different and you might become aware because of that experience. But if it's something that happens regularly and you don't realize that you have a boundary about it, that not okay with you.

[00:17:19] This is one of those, this is like the classic example is obligation sex. So. Somebody can know intellectually that it's okay to have boundaries, but not actually realize that they've been crossing their own boundaries by having sex with a partner when they didn't want to because they were afraid of something.

[00:17:40] Usually the partner feeling bad or afraid of not fulfilling their quote unquote duty or afraid of rejection emotionally. Right, so they're crossing their own boundaries and they didn't even necessarily know that they had one. So knowing our own boundaries is important. Another one in this category is being able to express boundaries kindly, clearly, and lovingly.

[00:18:06] This is so powerful. I love working with people on this. I love working with people on all these things. To be honest, it's just so wonderful. Why I love my job, but. This is a really like the so transformative when people realize that they can not only have them and they know what they are, but they can express them lovingly and clearly and it's okay.

[00:18:30] And we practice that a lot with me in a low stakes setting so that it becomes easier with people where you have a lot of investment in the relationship. All right, so check to see for you if you feel like you are actually good at kindly expressing your boundaries, and that means following through. That means not just saying you're not supposed to do this thing.

[00:18:50] That mean a boundary is you, what you do, not what somebody else does. So if you don't want to, you know, have somebody yell at you, it's what you do. Are you expressing, Hey, I'm not here for this and I'm gonna leave, and then you're actually leaving. That's a boundary. Alright, last one in this is to know that in your body, to know in an embodied way that boundaries are not always perfect.

[00:19:20] They're an imperfect science. They're places where we always have growth and they don't. And that you never have to feel ashamed if you're not a hundred percent perfect at it. And if you have to kind of come back after the fact. And repair with someone in a relationship. Some sort of boundary crossing.

[00:19:40] Alright, another one. And the last sort of category here is self-awareness. And this is knowing everyone has relational wounds. Everybody. Everybody does. We, none of us walk through this world without them. And knowing that everyone has protective strategies to avoid being wounded in the same way again.

[00:20:02] Right. That awareness that we all have protective strategies, and I mean this awareness embodied so that you can feel it when you receive a protective strategy and you can identify it knowing that we all get hurt, angry, and fearful at people sometimes. So like. I call often, call that activated. We get activated.

[00:20:23] A lot of people use the word triggered. We get triggered. We all get activated, hurt, angry, fearful sometimes including you. So this, the question is, do you have awareness of that and self-acceptance around it? And then also knowing that. Growth and relief around those hotspots, around those really tender wounds.

[00:20:49] The things that activate or trigger you is absolutely possible. It's also incremental, and you will never be done with it. You will never wind up being perfect. Sorry to break it to you and. That's okay. We can all still love you even if you're not perfect. In fact, it makes you much more relatable as a human being to be imperfect.

[00:21:13] So thank you very much for that. But just knowing that you will never be done with having. Those activation spots, but you can manage them and you can grow in ways where you can figure out how to be less reactive and also care for yourself when you do get really upset. And then the last one here, and I put it in self-awareness, is being able to combine all of these things, the lovability, the self-acceptance, the emotional awareness that embodied boundaries and needs and desires.

[00:21:48] Being able to actually. Kind of alchemize all of that in order to show up authentically in a relationship repair conversation so that you can actually listen empathetically with someone and you can vulnerably speak your feelings. So those were a couple of our skills, right? But this is like kind of putting it all together with enough self-awareness to kind of be onto yourself when it's not a good time for repair and when it is a good time to try to like stay centered enough in your own.

[00:22:20] Self-love that you can receive whatever challenge somebody is bringing to you and be able to work through it with that person. So that's a big list, right? That's a big list, but it is, these are just categories of. Emotional skills and those really underlie intimacy. And they all then feed into, you know, the last sort of category of skills for good sex and relationships is just erotic knowledge.

[00:22:53] And so that is just, you know, the, the things under that category are knowing that pleasure is a valid pursuit, knowing that like you are allowed to have pleasure in this life. Right. Feeling entitled to that. That's, that's okay. Another one is being able to give and receive pleasure. Another one is being sensitive to your own erotic needs and the needs of others.

[00:23:17] Erotically having sensual skills to give pleasure and learn about different partners desires to be able to ask for and teach your partners what you need sexually. And knowing that there's so many different ways to be sexual, that you can really populate a creative long menu with different options that work for you and your partner, if you have one, or if you want one, or if you wanna just be having an erotic experience with yourself.

[00:23:49] So those erotic knowledge things are all. Built like they, they work best when they're on a foundation of all of this other thing, all of these other intimacy skills, the emotional intimacy skills, the self-awareness, the self-acceptance, the understanding of boundaries and embodiment and needs and desires.

[00:24:13] Then you add all of the erotic knowledge and skills onto that and. It's magic right? Then it's everything works really, really well. And when you have challenges because you will inevitably still have challenges and disappointments, you have the skills to work through it. And that's what we do. That's what we do in my practice and I love it.

[00:24:33] And while I know this seems like a lot, I don't want you to feel like you need to know how to do all this stuff right away, or it's just, it's just like a, a beautiful landscape to look at exploring. Right. It's like the world is your oyster. The the world is available for you to explore in the sort of, you know, geographic sense.

[00:24:56] And then this is sort of the landscape of relationships and eroticism that you can also explore. When we go on a vacation, we don't go to, you know, everywhere, all at once, right? So this is kind of a choose your own adventure. And really take, put, put an opportunity to take a step back and look at the big picture and say, okay, where, where would I really like to focus?

[00:25:20] What are the things that feel like, gosh, I hadn't even thought about that, or, that feels really hard, or I really don't know how to do that. And where are the places that I actually feel like I'm really solid, that I can celebrate that with myself and my partner if I have one? And our partners, if you have multiple and just really.

[00:25:39] Enjoy that you have those strengths already and use them to build new ones on top of it. So that's my hope for you, that you'll think about it that way and look at it as kind of a 30,000 foot view of the kinds of things that we are doing here in this podcast. And you will keep getting support from me around.

[00:26:02] So I will see you here next week. Hey, if you're curious about how you could have better sex and connections, go grab my free guide. Find Your Secret Turnons. It's right on my website, www.laurajurgens.com, and the link is in the show notes. I'll see you here next time.