Giving and Receiving Oral & Troubleshooting (Plus: Why People Often Dislike 69)

Today we're talking about common challenges & solutions for giving and receiving oral sex. Plus, since this is episode 69, I'm celebrating with some cautionary tales around 69, and I'll cover why so many people just don't like it (plus what to do instead). 

Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Welcome to Sex Help for Smart People. I'm Dr. Laura Jurgens. I'm here to help you have better sex, intimacy and relationships. So let's get at it.

[00:00:11] Before we get started today, I want to tell you about something super cool coming up to stay tuned for. So if you identify as a woman, I am working with a friend and former client, Kama Hagar. On the most fun retreat ever. Literally, we are not doing anything that is not fun. So it is going to be amazing.

[00:00:39] It's going to be in Maui in winter of 2026, early winter January of 2026, and it's going to be four days. With eight to 12 women, possibly up to 16 at a luxury retreat center with beautiful grounds, Plumer trees, an amazing restaurant at a fantastic pool, and we are going to play games. We are going to connect to ourselves.

[00:01:12] We are going to have it be like a joyful, fun homecoming to yourself. Kama -- Kama does a lot of spiritual, just like connecting to yourself type things. That is her specialty. And she does a lot of wellness, yoga, all kinds of yummy stuff like that. And I do connecting to yourself erotically and in your

[00:01:39] Relationship with yourself, like loving yourself, whether that's sexually loving yourself or just loving who you are. And so we're putting our superpowers together and we are creating a magical, joyful, playful retreat. It is going to be like luxury meets absolute silliness. There will be camp games. It's gonna be amazing if you are.

[00:02:04] The smart person who is like, heck yeah, that's totally for me. Then I wanna invite you to make sure you are on my email list so that you get first dibs. We are going to release signup, registration June 1st, so if you are hearing this anytime before that, make sure you go to my website, laurajurgens.com and
[00:02:28] sign up for my freebie, my free guide to finding your Secret Turn-ons. If you are not, that's how you get on my email newsletter. I don't send a ton and ton of emails. You can always opt out at any time. I always want you to be consenting, but make sure you're on my email list so that you get first dibs on signing up for this starting June 1st.

[00:02:49] If it's after June 1st, 2025, when you're listening to this. And before January, 2026, make sure you still go sign up for the freebie, get on my email newsletter because you might have access to any spots that are still open or cancellation spots and you wanna make sure that you are on it so that you can get in it.

[00:03:13] Because I have a feeling this is going to go really fast because it's gonna be so freaking awesome. So. If you wanna come with a friend, you are absolutely welcome. Please send this to them. Send my website to them, L-A-U-R-A-J-U-R-G-E-N s.com. Get them on the newsletter if you wanna come by yourself.

[00:03:35] There's gonna be a bunch of people that come by themselves, and it's gonna be amazing. If you've never traveled by yourself, I highly recommend it, and this will be such a good. First time. If you haven't done that, if you love traveling by yourself, you're also welcome. We can help you coordinate other things to do in Maui.

[00:03:51] It's just gonna be so great, so you don't wanna miss it. Get on that list. Alright, let's get going on today's episode. Hey everyone. Welcome to episode 69. So I thought this was just a great episode to talk about trying to do too much at once. Insects, especially in oral sex. Because we heard about it in middle school where some douche bag was trying to get attention by bragging about how great it was, or we saw it in porn.

[00:04:22] 69 is one of those common things that, you know, people joke about, but in reality, not that many couples actually enjoy, both enjoy doing it. Whether you are in, you know, whatever configuration of partnership you are in. A lot of people will attempt to incorporate 69 into their sex life, which, you know, maybe as like a little appetizer before moving into something else can work.

[00:04:54] But it's just kind of the perfect poster child of trying to do too much at once and really distracting from turn-taking that can let both people really enjoy and focus on one thing at a time. So there's good reason that not many couples actually both enjoy 69 because there's just too much going on for each person to really relax into either receiving or giving and enjoy doing one thing at a time.

[00:05:28] And we know now for work, our work lives that multitasking is a myth. People really can't multi focus, and it's the same for sex. So. I wanna use this issue to offer a way in to talk about some common challenges with giving and receiving, and I also wanna just give you this little permission slip to never do 69 again.

[00:05:54] If you don't both love it and look, so some people do love it. Absolutely, go for it. You are a beautiful exception to a sort of general. Commonality that most people, many people don't like it. If you do wanna incorporate it, as I said, and if it's not your jam, but your partner really loves it, for example, you could do it as kind of part of your escalation process and then move into more turn taking based oral sex.

[00:06:24] So, because I want you to have the best oral sex ever. Yeah, I want you to have a wonderful life full of oral pleasure. One thing I really suggest is just letting the receiver just receive. So when we think about that, sometimes what comes up is our own challenges with receiving, if that's you, and it's hard for you to let yourself just relax into receiving without having to do anything else.

[00:06:53] Just enjoying and maybe offering some direction when it's needed or encouragement, right? Without performing. This is that, and that's where we wanna get with receiving, right? We wanna be able to just really enjoy our sensations, go into our experience, offer any direction or redirection when needed, and offer encouragement without getting into performance.

[00:07:18] So that's where we want to go with it. And it's helpful to know if you're not, look, if you're not there, it's okay to be where you're at. If you struggle with any of those things, that's all right. But it's helpful to know where you're headed, right? And so I'm gonna give you a couple tips right now that can help you move along that path to get there.

[00:07:39] And if you need to reach, please reach out to me. This is what I help people with this stuff all the time. So. And also just know that loads of people have a hard time receiving without performing or getting up in their heads. Those are two of the really common pitfalls. And another one is just starting to feel incredibly guilty about receiving, like as if it's not fun for your partner and it's some sort of chore and it just like shits on your whole pleasure.

[00:08:07] So we don't want you to do that either. Giving up sort of a. Addiction to all of those things. The guilt, the anxiety, the performance tendencies, the getting up in your head, giving all that stuff up actually takes some practice. And a couple things that you can practice to get better at receiving are, number one, if your brain tries to get busy with anxiety around your to-do list or whatever else is going on in your life, or, you know, maybe the kids are gonna hear you or blahdi blah.

[00:08:42] Give your brain a lovely fantasy to focus on instead that involves the sensations you are receiving. So you can either, you could try to just really focus on your partner, but my sense is. If you're having anxiety, generally that's not quite enough for your brain to do. So you wanna give your brain more things to do so that it doesn't just go off the rails into like your long, like what, how you need to fold your laundry or whatever.

[00:09:13] So give it something really compelling, which means like your hottest fantasy. And if you need help with that, you know, we'll figure it out. Hopefully, you know. Hottest fantasy, and you can allow yourself permission to just give that to your brain. Let yourself run that in your head while you're receiving number two, and that just.

[00:09:37] Before we go into number two, I just wanna say so that the purpose of that is to give your brain something sexy to focus on that will enhance your pleasure instead of something distracting that takes away from your pleasure. Okay? So number two, if you are worrying about how much time you're taking to get to orgasm, first of all, that is not going to help you orgasm.

[00:09:58] And second of all, that's not the goal. The goal. We're not trying to get across some imaginary finish line. Nobody has to come every time, and some of us just don't come from oral sex in general. And that's fine. We can still really enjoy it. It can be something that's really pleasurable and part of the process and part of our repertoire.

[00:10:17] It doesn't matter if you have an orgasm, so just like release that you get to just be done when you're done. And if that really just is some sort of like ego destroyer for your partner, that is actually their problem. And the two of you can talk about that. But if their ego is so fragile in relation to whether or not you have an orgasm, so your physical body's response to some sort of stimulation on that particular day has a direct relationship to your partner's ego, that is a problem.

[00:10:55] And that will always create pressure, performance pressure for you, and it is not helping them either to have their ego tied up in that. So that needs to get worked out outside of oral sex, right? So you can actually not be on the hook. You are not on the hook for validating your partner by having an orgasm.

[00:11:16] An orgasm is just a nice physical thing that can happen sometimes under the right conditions. It has absolutely nothing to do with anybody else's worthiness as a human being. So if you are worried about how much time you're taking, I wanna really encourage you to have a conversation with your partner at a time when you are not having sex and express your fears.

[00:11:40] And then you do two things. You ask for reassurance from your partner that it's okay for you to do. To just enjoy oral sex for as long as both of you want to be having that experience, whether or not you have an orgasm or not, that you can stop when you want to, that they can stop when they want to and just allow yourself to take the pressure out and enjoy it.

[00:12:05] You wanna ask them for reassurance that that's okay with them and that they're actually enjoying themselves, and if they have things that they need to adjust so that they are enjoying themselves more, then you can sort that out too. That's fine, but express your fears. Ask for reassurance. Okay? And then the next thing you have to do is you need to practice actually believing them.

[00:12:29] So, yes, I mean this, you can't just expect somebody else's reassurance to quote unquote work on you. If you don't let it land, if you don't take the responsibility to believe them, that they actually are enjoying themselves, that they want to be doing this and that you don't need to hurry, that's on you.

[00:12:52] You have to believe them when they say that that's your job, not theirs. And if you still need help believing them, if you can't let that land, that's your cue to come get a consult with me so that we can work on that for you. 'cause your partner can only jump through so many hoops to try to convince you if you are not willing to do the work to actually believe them.

[00:13:13] Okay, so those are my two hot tips. If you're having trouble receiving, try to get your brain busy with a wonderful fantasy. And two, have a conversation with your partner at a time when you're not having sex. If you're worried about how much time you're taking. And I have a whole episode on when and how to actually talk about sex with your partner.

[00:13:33] So if that's hard for you. Please go listen to that episode. It's really helpful. It's really straightforward and it can make it easier. Alright, next up, if you are the doer, you are the giver and you are struggling with that role, okay? If you are, for example, maybe you're getting impatient with just giving and letting your partner receive, so it's time to get curious about that.

[00:13:57] There can be some really good reasons for it. So first of all, are you making sure that you're physically comfortable? So many people are just like dropping to their knees for giving a BJ and they're like in on a hard floor, or they're like in some like, it's like their head's in the wrong position, whatever, right?

[00:14:15] Or maybe their partner needs to put. You know, a pillow under their hips, right? To raise them up so that they're in a better position for oral. That way, make sure that you're comfortable, physically change your position when you need to. It's okay to take a break. I. If you need to stretch, it's if you need to get a snack, it's okay to take a break, right?

[00:14:40] We don't wanna do anything we don't wanna do. That puts us in a position where then we're gonna resent our partner, or we're just not gonna wanna do it in the future because it always makes us uncomfortable. So make sure that you are comfortable physically. Also, are you doing the kind of oral that you really enjoy or are you trying to be like an Olympic champion?

[00:15:02] Of like oral from porn where you're trying to be like some sort of like, like tongue ninja or something, and really you're just ex, your poor little tongue muscles are exhausted. Or maybe you're trying to be like a deep thrower and you're just like barfing in your own mouth the whole time, and that's not fun for you.

[00:15:20] So make sure you're doing the kind of world that you enjoy and that feels good to you and feels sexy to you. Right. There are all kinds of ways to change things up so that you can give great pleasure to your partner without being miserable. You don't have to mimic your partner's vibrator. You're not able to do that as a human being.

[00:15:40] That's okay. You know, you just need to work with your partner to find things that feel good for them, that also feel good to you and sustainable for as long as you want to both be doing that. Okay. Another thing is, are you setting up the scene so it's sexy for you to give? Do you like, do you feel turned on about how things are set up?

[00:16:05] Are you letting yourself enjoy your own sensations of the giving? Are you letting yourself enjoy the sensations in your fingers, in your mouth? Are you, or maybe you're overly focused on trying to make sure your partner is validating your ego with their obvious pleasure. And that may actually be making things a lot harder for them because they can pick up on that and start to feel like they have to perform, and then they get farther away from their orgasm and they get stressed out.

[00:16:32] So these are all some of the subtexts that can go on between people. And sometimes we bullshit ourselves and think that if we're not saying anything that the other person doesn't pick up on it. And that is insane because, you know, I thought this for the longest time. I totally thought if I didn't say anything, the other person wasn't gonna pick up on my discomfort or my ego attachment or whatever it is totally a lie.

[00:16:59] A lie we tell ourselves. Other person may not know what's wrong, but they know something's wrong because humans evolved for millennia without. Actually having verbal language. You know, our deep ancestry is all based on body language and just like looks of the, like our faces are so expressive. You cannot hide everything that you are actually experiencing.

[00:17:26] People do pick up on that shit. That's the vast majority of human communication is nonverbal. So make sure that if you are. If you are the person whose ego is super attached to your partner's orgasm, that you start questioning that for yourself and that will allow them to be more free to either come or not come and still enjoy themselves.

[00:17:51] And it will also allow you to feel good about yourself regardless of what's happening with their body. Right. Okay, so if you need help there too, please reach out. I help people with this stuff all the time. We do all the practicalities about, you know, how to actually do oral sex that works for you and might work for your partner.

[00:18:12] And so then you can try it out. We do all that practicality stuff along with the emotional side. We wanna sort it out so that you can have wonderful oral sex as a giver also. And that just brings me to my hope for all of you that you have great oral pleasure and that you don't take on too much at once.

[00:18:29] And you have just, I am celebrating my episode 69. Episode 69 with sort of a, like you get to never do 69 again, and hopefully a little bit of support for any challenges you may have in giving in receiving. Alright friends, quick reminder. Don't forget to get on the email list so that you are first dibs on the retreat.

[00:18:54] When it opens June 1st, 2025 for registration, go to L-A-U-R-A-J-U-R-G-E-N-S.com. Get on that list. Alright, I'll see you here soon. Hey, if you're curious about how you could have better sex and connections, go grab my free guide. Find Your Secret Turnons. It's right on my website, www.laurajurgens.com, and the link is in the show notes.

[00:19:19] I'll see you here next time.