Kind Boundaries & Building Secure Attachment: A Guide

This episode will walk you through how to have boundaries that feel great. Good boundaries feel like a big hug for you, rather than a barbed-wire fence to control others. We'll also cover why kind boundaries are critical to creating secure attachment. Don't miss this one!

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Welcome to Sex Help for Smart People. I'm Dr. Laura Jurgens. I'm here to help you have better sex, intimacy and relationships. So let's get at it. Hey everybody. Welcome to episode 70. Today is one of my favorite topics, kind boundaries. So this is like kind Boundaries 1 0 1. We're gonna talk about learning the difference between healthy, empowered boundaries and false manipulative ones so that you can make.

[00:00:30] All the difference in your relationship with yourself and others by having really great boundaries that you love. So we're gonna dive into what they are, what they aren't, how you can build ones that feel like a loving hug for you and others, and not a barbed wire fence. And first, I actually, I do wanna take a second to remind everybody there is the most fun retreat ever about to drop for registration June 1st.

[00:01:01] It's going to be in January of 20 26, 4 days in Maui, Hawaii. Personal coaching sessions with me on finding your own authentic erotic empowerment with Kama Hagar on coming home to yourself and lots of play, relaxation and time to chill at a beautiful retreat center in Maui so that you get lit and energized from within.

[00:01:25] It is called lit and luscious, and you do not want to miss it, so be sure you are on my email list so you'd get first dibs at the signup and you get the early bird discount. So go to my website, www.laurajurgens.com, get my free guide to your turn-ons. That's how you get on my list. Or you could also email me laura@laurajurgens.com.

[00:01:44] Make sure to spell my last name. J-U-R-G-E-N-S. I'm not the heir to the hand lotion empire, unfortunately, but that's how you get, make sure you get. On my list so you get first dips. Okay, so today, boundaries. Awesome. Oh my God. Changed my life. And what, I mean the key thing is having good ones and having healthy ones that feel good to you, that you will actually follow through on.

[00:02:12] And I mean, that said, it can be a transition to learn to follow through on your boundaries. It was hard for me at times, and it's a lot harder with some situations in some people than others, not because of them, because of us. It was really hard for me to follow through on boundaries with my mother, even though I really, really wanted to.

[00:02:32] It was hard. I had been kind of trained not to have any, but look what are boundaries anyway, so. We all know that a physical boundary is something that delineates the borders of a space. And interpersonal boundaries are a bit slipperier to understand. Many of us are confused about them because people talk about them in ways that make it clear that they do not understand what boundaries are.

[00:03:03] People mean a lot of different things when they use the word boundary. Some people may say "I have a boundary about that" When describing a simple preference that tends to be accompanied by like a subtle or overt threat of displeasure, that is a way of offering a mild threat of consequences, which is usually their /that person's displeasure meant to control other people's behavior.

[00:03:29] Other people may make more dramatic ultimatums that they may mistakenly think our boundaries and wonder why they get pushed back. When we don't know how to set good boundaries, we can easily fall into sort of trying to control other people with our boundaries and or with what we think are boundaries.

[00:03:49] Those are just threats and ultimatums when we are trying to control someone else. So threats are not boundaries. They also don't tend to work very well. They don't increase trust and intimacy for sure, but they also tend to just fail at controlling other people because controlling other people generally tends to fail.

[00:04:12] We don't really, I mean, at the end of the day, it sounds nice like to control other people, but would we really want that? Most of us don't actually want that. We are. It's hard enough being responsible for ourselves, let alone everybody else's behavior, but. It's really tempting to wanna control other people, but if we're not trying to control people, what the hell are boundaries for?

[00:04:35] Right? Well, the actual purpose of a good boundary is to take care of our own needs for ourselves. So that means we actually don't ever need to tell anybody about our boundaries unless we want to. And when we do, I wanna invite you that good boundaries are stated. When we choose to, without any anger or resentment.

[00:05:00] It's just, this is what I do to take care of myself. That's it. This is what I do to take care of myself. No need to be angry about it. No need to be resentful. If there's anger and resentment, chances are there's some effort to control the other person. Or there is some place where you have been crossing your own boundaries for a long time and you have then externalized the blame onto somebody else.

[00:05:29] If that is something you've been doing and I've been there, I've done it myself. There is zero judgment about doing that because it is really tempting, is really easy to fall into. Our society does not teach us any better and. It doesn't make you a bad person, it just means you might need a little bit of help like untangling that stuff.

[00:05:47] And I'm happy to help you if you want, and there's other people who can help you too. But you will notice that people with good boundaries, healthy boundaries, kind boundaries may seem to be very centered, but they don't actually talk about their boundaries very much. They just come across as on top of their business and with the type of open-hearted kindness that doesn't feel false or performative, they tend to have really good relationships with the people they choose to be in relationship with.

[00:06:23] And they don't tend to bitch and moan about people they're in relationship with because they don't have to. They are taking care of themselves. They have made good choices, so they don't have a lot to complain about. People who aren't as clear on boundaries may talk about them a lot because they want to have them, but they're not that good at them yet.

[00:06:46] And that's okay. That's a phase to go through. So this podcast is really meant to clarify healthy boundaries for you. Separate them from the false ones, which are, you know, subtle or overt threats or control efforts, and show you the basic steps to putting healthy, empowering boundaries in place for yourself when you need them.

[00:07:05] So quick side note, none of this applies if you are in a dangerous situation or an emergency that threatens your safety. That is not the time to set thoughtful boundaries. It is the time to act quickly, to take care of yourself in whatever way you need to. Everything here only applies to non-emergency and non like violent situations.

[00:07:30] Okay, so the first thing to know about. Good kind boundaries. They have a fundamentally different purpose and come from radically different emotions than false or manipulative boundaries. AKA threats. We use kind boundaries to protect ourselves out of love and compassion for ourselves, where we're at, and as much love and compassion as we can find for everybody else.

[00:08:02] False boundaries tend to come from anger, resentment, or blame, and their goal is to try to avoid us feeling bad by controlling other people and it just doesn't work any supposed boundary. AKA threat coming from that is typically gonna get a defensive response, generate resentment or be ignored. And look, we've all lashed out and tried to control people with threats.

[00:08:29] It doesn't make us horrible people, it just doesn't help our relationship and virtually guarantees our disappointment. And so I don't want that for you. Kind Boundaries are actually really effective at helping other people understand our needs and the way that we are gonna behave and creating trust in relationships and unfortunately, the threat and like false manipulative boundaries.

[00:08:53] Don't do that at all. They tend to just kind of, we give the other person the power to decide how we feel regardless of what they choose. We feel awful if they choose our preferred option. We always wonder whether they only did it because of the threat. If they don't do what we want, we tend to take it as rejection.

[00:09:10] It's a like lose lose situation. So an example of a threat or false boundary would be like. Somebody trying to control what their partner does in a relationship by saying, you know, I have a boundary about that. You're not allowed to do that. I'm gonna leave. And not meaning it. Like they're not actually gonna leave.

[00:09:34] If it's something like, you know, you're not allowed to have unprotected sex with a series of strangers, or I will not have a sexual relationship with you anymore. That could actually be a very kind boundary. If it is said with out of love for oneself, like I'm protecting myself from the threat of STDs and I'm protecting my emotions from a relationship style that I don't want to be in, so I'm not gonna tolerate that.

[00:09:57] That could actually be a really kind boundary. But sometimes people are just making threats to try to control the other person. They may even be saying the same words, but it's coming from a different place. I need you to, you need to stop cheating on me, or I'm gonna leave when they actually have no intention of leaving and they're not gonna follow through.

[00:10:15] That actually winds up being a min, like an attempt to control the other person. And they're not actually gonna leave. So it's not real, right? So that's just an example. One example. So here's another example. Let's say I have a friend who is often late for our lunch dates. Maybe she sometimes forgets them altogether and also forgets to text me, and I get tired of sitting in restaurants by myself wondering if she's gonna show up.

[00:10:44] I have built up all these thoughts about being wronged, and I've built up all these feelings of hurt and anger, and so now I'm sitting in this restaurant waiting for her, but I am seething. She eventually arrives. Like, you know who, who knows how late half hour late, and I tell her, I'm not gonna sit around anymore waiting for you.

[00:11:04] That if you cared about me, at least you'd text me to tell me you were running late. And if you do it one more time, I'm never having lunch with you again. Okay. That is a threat. That is a false boundary. It is not a true kind boundary. It's coming from anger is meant to threaten her into behaving her the way I want her to.

[00:11:25] And even if she does it, I won't feel happy because I kind of forced her into it in my head. And I may also feel guilty about how I showed up, and I may blame her for quote unquote making me angry. In actuality, it was me who made me angry by sitting around stewing about being wronged when I could have taken other action to take care of myself.

[00:11:47] Okay, so that is one way the situation could go. But let's say the situation is the same. I still have this friend. She's still pretty flaky. I still don't like sitting around at restaurants waiting for her to show up. And what happens this time is while I'm waiting, I'm ask myself what do I really want to do?

[00:12:12] What? What level of sitting here waiting for somebody do I feel good about? Can I do with a whole heart and what level do I feel not good about? I decide after asking myself this question, I decide I'm okay with sitting quietly by myself for about 10 or 15 minutes, which I actually might find relaxing, but after 15 minutes, I just don't like it anymore.

[00:12:40] I'd prefer to either order and eat or just go and get lunch somewhere else. So I allow myself to have these preferences and I decide to honor them with love for myself, and I let my own desires be important and I ask myself, you know, maybe I ask myself, is this friendship worth my effort? Let's say I decide, yes.

[00:13:04] In that case, I remind myself that I have chosen to love my friend. So it is probably worth allowing her to be a human being with some human failings. And she apparently has one that makes her super late to lunch regularly. Okay? This is part of being friends with this person. So now I am calm. I'm not angry.

[00:13:28] I am imagining, you know, I'm letting myself love and care for myself. I'm letting myself love and care for my friend. And whether she shows up or not, it doesn't really matter 'cause I have a plan if it's past 15 minutes. I've had a nice time being there, relaxing, but then I just choose to leave at 15 minutes.

[00:13:47] No problem. If she asks me later, I'm not even mad 'cause I took care of me. I stayed in integrity with myself. I can stay with all honesty and caring for both of us. Hey, so I know you have hard time with appointments sometimes I still love you, but I don't enjoy waiting for longer than 15 minutes. So if you're gonna be later than that, you can feel free to text me, ask if I'll stick around a bit longer.

[00:14:12] But I reserve the right to go ahead and eat or leave anytime you're more than 15 minutes late. I don't have to tell her all that, but I can so that she's informed about what the process is gonna be in the future. That is a healthy boundary. That is a kind boundary. The only person required to take action to follow through on it is me.

[00:14:33] I am the one who's going to eat or leave. I'm the one who's gonna pay attention to how I feel. 15, 10 to 15 minutes. She gets to do whatever she chooses to do, but she has an option to see me either by being on time, letting me know in advance, she's running late and asking if I feel like waiting that day.

[00:14:51] And I still respect myself enough to give myself the option to say no. So that as a kind boundary is one that only you are on the hook for following through on and you have to follow through on it. That's the kicker. And that could be the hard part. When you're transitioning into having kind healthy boundaries, it can be really hard to actually get up and leave.

[00:15:13] It can be really hard to actually follow through on like. I'm not gonna stay in this relationship, or I can't, whatever the decision you made, it can be hard to get off the phone with someone when you said, you know what? When this person just starts offloading on me without asking permission, and they just start complaining constantly, I'm gonna give them one warning and then I'm gonna, I'm gonna get off the phone because it really feels draining to me.

[00:15:39] That's a common boundary that you might wanna have for yourself, but boy, that first time you tell them, Hey. Yeah, this is starting to feel kind of bad, this amount of complaining. So I'm just going to let you know I'm gonna need to transition to another topic, or I need to go, and then when you actually need to go, because they keep going on, that's gonna feel hard.

[00:16:00] You're gonna feel like a dick and you're not. You're not at all. You are having a healthy, loving boundary that allows you to stay in clean, not resentment. With yourself and with the other person. They get to act however they're gonna act and you follow through. But it can be hard. It can be really hard that first time and you know, for a little while.

[00:16:24] For the first little while, and sometimes it's hard for other people because it's a transition. If we've been a people pleaser, if we've just allowed people to run all over whatever our preferences are, if we haven't even acknowledged to ourselves that we actually have preferences, because look, you have boundaries.

[00:16:40] Whether you acknowledge them to yourself or not, they are there. But if you let yourself just run all over them, and it's always you, unless somebody's physically forcing you, it's you that are not. Holding your own boundaries, not the other person crossing your boundaries. We cross our own boundaries. We let other events cross our boundaries, but because it's our responsibility to, we're the only ones who knows that they're there.

[00:17:08] It's our responsibility to hold them and to follow through. We are the only ones who can cross 'em. If I let somebody smoke in my car and I'm just like pissed about it, that's me crossing my boundary, not them. My boundary is like, out you go. That's what happens. Out you go. Alright, so this is why kind boundaries are actually harder than making threats.

[00:17:35] Three reasons. One, they require us to accept the reality of other people's free will and not live in the fantasy world where we get to imagine we can control people. Trust me, I like that fantasy world is so tempting, but. It's not real. Two, they also require us to accept responsibility for our own emotional wellbeing.

[00:17:55] And three, they require us to value our own decisions and actually follow through even if we'd rather not. Okay. Now the good news, good news is that reasonable people will often try really hard to respect the boundaries you set to care for yourself if they are delivered with love and respect. For you and the other person, you are much more likely to get agreement that way than you are with ultimatums delivered in anger and blame.

[00:18:26] So if I tell somebody, you know, Hey, maybe I have a boundary with my sister. Say I don't have this kind of sister, but let's say you have a, you know, I have a sister, let's say that calls me names on the phone. She calls me, maybe she calls me a bitch and I don't like it. I decide that I'm gonna leave the conversation.

[00:18:49] If she does that, and I decide that, I'm gonna let her know that that's gonna happen, because I just think it's gonna probably smooth things out when and make it easier for me to actually leave the conversation when I need to. So if she does that, I actually have to follow through and leave the conversation, right?

[00:19:08] Chances are if I say, Hey, I love you. I really care about our relationship, but I really can't. Do. I don't do well with you calling me names, and I really don't like it when you call me a bitch and I'm gonna not stay on the phone anymore. If you do that, I want you to know that. For next time, most reasonable people.

[00:19:29] And I mean, maybe she was just kind of like throwing it out there like, Hey bitch, what's up? You know, kind of thing. And she didn't realize how bad that felt to me. Right? Most reasonable people who are like emotionally, somewhat aware will respect that and be like, oh, I didn't realize that bothered you so much.

[00:19:46] Thank you for telling me. Now I know better how to care for you. But there's no guarantee, right? You may very well have to follow through and respect yourself enough to do so and have to actually follow through with having your own back, and somebody else may not like it, and that's okay. It's really okay.

[00:20:08] So here are the steps to setting kind and empowered boundaries. One, you release anger and blame for the other person and any resistance to caring for your own needs that you may have. That means like accepting, we're all imperfect human animals just doing our best. Even if our best is kind of shitty sometimes, and this step can take a little while, that's okay.

[00:20:32] You could allow yourself to just get there in your own time. Just try to release, try to release as much of the anger as possible so you're not punishing yourself by carrying it around, right? Allow yourself to make a clean decision. Next step is consider what you really want out of the situation. What really matters to you?

[00:20:52] What are your deal breakers? Where are those lines for you? How do you wanna show up in your life? What is important to do to take care of you? And then you make the decisions about what you will do if the person continues the behavior that you're finding problematic. That's scenario A. And what you will do if they don't, scenario B.

[00:21:15] Number three is you decide whether you want to tell the other party. Remember, if you decide to tell them, all you can do is make a request for them to choose your preferred scenario and tell them what you've decided to do to care for yourself if they don't open up the conversation when you are feeling compassion and respect for both of you, and you can speak calmly and wait.

[00:21:39] Until that actually happens. Like wait until you have the compassion and respect to actually be able to let them know this calmly. Don't rush it and do it while you're mad. You don't have to know the exact words you're gonna say in advance. If you're coming from compassion and respect and you know your decisions for both scenarios, you do not have to know exactly what you're gonna say.

[00:21:59] It will come out fine, but if you are coming from a bunch of resentment, it will come out kind of shitty. All right. Number four, follow through on your decisions no matter what. Even if you worry you're being mean, and even if you're uncomfortable about it, let yourself feel the discomfort and notice that the world has not ended.

[00:22:22] This is just the discomfort of learning to have your own back and trust your own decisions. The less you've done that in the past, the harder it will be. At first. I know because that happened to me, but I promise it gets easier. So it's normal to just feel really uncomfortable at first if you haven't had your own back in the past.

[00:22:42] And also, if it hasn't been okay for you to have boundaries. If you were raised in a home, for example, where it wasn't okay for children to have privacy, or it wasn't okay for children to say no, then it can be feel really risky and you have to hold your own hand through that. And if you need help, please reach out for help, whether from me or from somebody else.

[00:23:06] The closer you are to somebody, the harder it can be to do this, especially if you are not securely attached. But here is the magic. When you build your kind boundary muscle, you are literally building more secure attachment into that relationship. This is how you do it. You know, people talk about attachment theory all the time.

[00:23:28] They talk about being anxiously attached or avoidantly attached, or some combination or disordered or whatever. If you want to build more secure attachment into your relationships, this is the thing. This is the muscle you build. To have secure attachment is kind boundaries, and I've just told you exactly how to do it.

[00:23:52] So this is gold people. Seriously, healthy boundaries are the true foundation of self-care, true self-care. They're the bedrock of real deep connection with others too. And it's kind of amazing because when we trust ourselves to care for ourselves, we don't have to worry so much about what life throws at us.

[00:24:14] We trust ourselves. We can take risks, we can have wild success. We can become truly kind to others without resentment. Alright. I wanna just invite you if to listen to this episode. No, however many times you need to to get the transcript. Print it out. In the show notes, there's a link to how to get the transcript.

[00:24:35] When you are learning kind boundaries, you cannot practice enough. So practice with everything. Think about all your preferences, think about all your boundaries. Really inquire if you have any little resentments. If you notice you're just feeling mad about stuff. There's a place that you're probably crossing your own boundaries.

[00:24:53] So backtrack and figure out where it is, and then implement a kind boundary and practice it until it doesn't feel uncomfortable anymore. You will become a boundary boss. You will be amazing. It will feel great. Your relationships will improve. People will trust you more. You will trust yourself more, and you'll have more secure attachments.

[00:25:14] And I really want that for all of you. All right, my dears, don't forget, if you are a person who identifies as a woman, you wanna come to Maui in January, it is gonna be super fun. So make sure to get on my email list. All right, I'll see y'all here again soon. Hey, if you're curious about how you could have better sex and connections.

[00:25:33] Go grab my free guide, find your Secret Turn-ons. It's right on my website, www.laurajurgens.com, and the link is in the show notes. I'll see you here next time.