[00:00:00] Welcome to Sex Help for Smart People. I'm Dr. Laura Jurgens. I'm here to help you have better sex, intimacy and relationships. So let's get at it. Hey everyone. Welcome to episode 72. So today we are gonna talk about how great intimacy really starts with self-compassion. And self-love, and I don't mean just masturbation, although that is part of it too.
[00:00:30] But most of us are just not taught how to love ourselves well from the inside, loving who we are, having a wonderful relationship with ourselves. And cultural messages typically equate self-love with indulgence, laziness, and arrogance. But. Really nothing could be further from the truth. There are so many different types of self-care and self-love, but the type of self-love that will really pay off the best in my experience with every single client I've ever worked with and with myself, which is where it all started, is self-compassion and really knowing yourself, knowing what brings you joy.
[00:01:18] Allowing all of those things that bring you joy and holding your own hand through the tough times, it costs absolutely nothing. Nobody can sell it to you and you have to cultivate it for yourself. With practice, people can help. So this is something that I do a lot with my practice is I help people learn how to do this, but learning to discern and practice self-compassion.
[00:01:45] Will truly get you through any hardship, really support your relationships, being authentic, deep connected, and help you have true comfort even when you are challenged. It's like having a compass to joy and fulfillment and actually deeper connection with others because when we give compassion to ourselves, we have enough to go around and it is easy to see how to give it to others.
[00:02:14] But when we withhold it from ourselves, it is so much harder to let empathy and compassion flow to others. That's just how it goes. And so I wanna say, because so many of us equate self-care in particular with sort of self-indulgence and, and confidence with arrogance, compassion is really a nice hack to help you get through.
[00:02:43] And discern was actually helpful and which just indulging ourselves. And it's not that indulgence is always bad. It's really not. I am, you might notice that my voice is a little off this week. I have been sick. I'm coming back from a cold, and I am actively trying to indulge myself as much as possible right now because my body feels awful and I have a massive headache and I've been sick for days and so.
[00:03:09] I am actually trying to find ways to soothe my physical self with some indulgence, and I love that. So here's the thing. Compassion actually requires presence. Being with ourselves in mindfulness, actually noticing what's going on for ourselves and affirming that it's okay to. Be with ourselves to care for ourselves, to parent ourselves the way we wish we were parented.
[00:03:39] Treating ourselves like a precious child who sometimes needs a little help over the hard parts. Self-indulgence in contrast is really distraction from presence, and sometimes that's helpful in the short term. Like I really would love to distract myself more and more from how my throat hurts, for example, but.
[00:04:00] That's a short term solution to things self-indulgence, and we all have the right to a little distracted pleasure now and then, but it usually doesn't actually help our situation. Any indulgence doesn't actually build joy or connection and it doesn't even really provide true comfort, even when that's what we need most.
[00:04:20] So for example, right now I am doing a little self-indulgence because I'm sick, but I'm also, and I always do a little bit, right? We should all do a little bit of self-indulgence, but. I also am being present with myself and really trying to hold my own hand through how bad I feel. But we often turn to indulgences or distractions after we've been abusing ourselves in some way, like by overworking or by berating ourselves, having horrible self-talk.
[00:04:49] It becomes a sort of shameful rebellion before we head right back to our patterns of self-denial. So most of the time we don't even allow ourselves to fully enjoy whatever indulgence of choice we are doing. We often don't let ourselves fully enjoy it without shame and worry. So if we are trying to, for example, binge watch Netflix to avoid the anxiety we feel about our relationship, we're not really fully, we're one, we're not solving anything.
[00:05:20] Right. And we're also not. Fully allowing ourselves to rest because we're sitting there feeling shame and worry that we're doing this thing that has become a compulsion. This is the nature of addictions. Rest becomes less restful and we distract, we binge, we wind up feeling worse when we are in like the full distraction, full self-indulgent energy, trying to avoid aspects of our life.
[00:05:48] Our thoughts and feelings follow some really typical patterns. And they tend to be associated with trying to escape reality in order to make ourselves feel better, because part of us knows that this is what we're doing. We inevitably have an underlying theme of shame and guilt around it. And this comes from judging ourselves for, you know, being quote unquote lazy or basically our escapism.
[00:06:15] And sometimes these indulgences or these habits of distraction actually have really negative consequences in our life, either because it makes us procrastinate, doing stuff that we actually really need to do or want to do to reach our goals, or because they actually have really negative physical consequences, like if we're over drinking or overindulging in anything in particular that is harming our body.
[00:06:40] So we have a tendency from this place. Of this sort of like avoidant, self-indulgent energy to deny our own power. We tend to see from this place, we tend to see other people's accomplishments as threatening because we are judging ourselves as, you know, lazy or incapable, and it's useful to know what this pattern looks like so we can catch ourselves and invite more compassion in.
[00:07:10] If you are in. This type of pattern, and I've been there for sure, and it is really, really common. But if you, so, there's nothing wrong with you if you're in this type of pattern. You're just in this type of pattern. It doesn't make you a bad person, doesn't make you a bad partner. It doesn't mean you're doomed forever to be in this pattern.
[00:07:30] But if you notice yourself being in a bit of this pattern, I want you to know a couple of things. One is it's totally possible to switch into self-compassion and get yourself out of it. You may need help. I'm here for that. You can get help elsewhere, but please do. But it is absolutely possible. You'll feel a lot better when you do.
[00:07:51] And it's kind of like one of those joyful types of work where like it does take some effort to make the switch, but you feel so much better so quickly that it's so worth it and it feels so lovely. So I want to invite that this is not a, this is not a judgment. But when we are in self-indulgent energy, we tend to feel like everything's a judgment.
[00:08:15] So I wanna invite you to challenge that this is more of an invitation, but here's a couple ways to know whether your quote unquote self-care is coming from self-indulgence and distraction, or from true self-compassion. So number one, distraction and. Escape from presence are a hallmark of more of the indulgent type of self-care.
[00:08:45] It will be tend to feel like you're not being present and you're trying to distract yourself If you're in self-compassion, the contrast is you really do feel more mindful and present with your experience. In the moment. When we're in the more self-indulgent side, we tend to obey or capitulate to our emotions and our urges.
[00:09:06] So if we have emotions, we tend to sort of like just like agree with them and roll with them, or even deepen them. If we're having anxiety, for example, we will act out of anxiety, including building more anxiety in self-compassion. However, when we have emotions, including negative ones, we just allow them and process them.
[00:09:30] Even if there are urges to distract, we actually notice them and sit with them. And let them kind of from a watcher space, like, oh, I'm noticing I have an urge to distract myself. Let me be with this for a minute. When we're in self-indulgent energy, we are cycling, typically cycling on this sort of rollercoaster between overwork and exhausted distraction binges.
[00:09:54] Oh my gosh, have I been there so many times? Thank God I'm not there anymore. When we are in self-compassion, however. We tend to take a much steadier and more sustainable work pace with rest and fun built in. It's amazing. Ugh. Making that switch was so good. When we are in more self-indulgence, we look at failure as an excuse to give up.
[00:10:21] We tend to say to ourselves, fuck it, or what's the point when we have a failure? When we are in self-compassion, we actually see failures as new data. And just reasons to keep trying new things. We're like, oh, that didn't work. All right, what else might work here? Totally different approach and it feels great when we are in self indulgence.
[00:10:44] It's very difficult to offer compassion or empathy to others without feeling like you have to deprioritize or sacrifice yourself. So it's like me or them. But when we're in self-compassion, it's actually easy to extend compassion and empathy to others. Without self-sacrifice, we're able to hold boundaries and we're able to see it as win-win for everybody and kind of decide what amount of energy we have available for others.
[00:11:12] When we're in self-indulgence, we have shame as a common response to any sort of imperfection we perceive in ourselves. This is one of the reasons why we tend to be avoiding and distracting ourselves is because we have so much shame. We perceive a bunch of imperfections and we feel bad about them. But I can tell you when you switch over to self-compassion, the amazing thing that happens is that you actually accept imperfections as just like part of life and universal.
[00:11:43] Everybody's got them. They almost feel even entertaining. Like, ha ha, I'm really shitty at that. It's hilarious. I'm great at all these other things. When we have self-indulgence as our sort of modus operandi, we tend to compare with others in a way that feels really demoralizing. So it's like the compare and despair spiral.
[00:12:09] Ugh. I'll never be like that person. When we are in self-compassion, however, when we compare to others, it's really only for inspiration. We're like admire and in inspire when, you know, instead of compare and despair. We're like, oh, how cool. I bet I could do that if I worked as hard as they did for as long as they did.
[00:12:30] So these are just some examples of how that shift can feel. So. As I said, it's totally normal to sometimes be in indulgent energy. Please don't make the mistake of refusing to have compassion for yourself when you are in self-indulgence that just adds onto it. But self-indulgent stuff, that distraction energy, it's really just a mindset of fear.
[00:12:56] It's, we're afraid of being fully present with ourselves usually because we are afraid of our own negative judgements. So. The amazing thing is that the cure, quote unquote, is actually just to bring compassion. If you are completely committed to not judging yourself negatively, to accepting yourself as perfectly imperfect, as fully worthy, as a hundred percent lovable, no matter your imperfections.
[00:13:27] If you are committed to releasing that judgment, then there's nothing to be afraid of. You can't be afraid of your own negative judgments 'cause you know you're not gonna have them. And then it allows you to actually bring the compassion in. So we have to cultivate the deep knowledge that your own judgments are nothing to fear.
[00:13:47] And you do that by practicing, over and over, deciding that you are worthy and lovable no matter what. I believe you're worthy and lovable no matter what a hundred percent. I absolutely believe that you can borrow my belief in that if you need to while you cultivate your own. And that's one of the amazing things about coaching, by the way.
[00:14:11] And one of the reasons that I love being coached is sometimes there's always these little corners left where I still have a hard time believing and I can borrow someone else's belief in that. I love it, especially when I'm doing something new. But I invite you to borrow my belief, but also really start cultivating your own.
[00:14:30] You are a hundred percent worthy and lovable, and if you commit to stopping to interrupting the judgments you have about yourself and bringing compassion, holding your own hand, parenting yourself the way you wish you were parented, being your own best friend. Whatever analogy helps you to just sit down with yourself, put your arm around your own shoulders and say, what do you need, honey?
[00:14:56] Right? What do you need right now? This is the foundation for great intimacy with other people too, because you won't be scared to talk about stuff. You won't be scared to express your own needs and desires when you have your own back this way and. There is no cheat for this. There is no way to skip this.
[00:15:15] There is no toy or sex room or porn or whatever lingerie to quote unquote spice things up in a way that's gonna shortcut the need. To actually deeply care for yourself in order to show up authentically with your own joy, having your own back, and be able to express what are truly your desires to someone.
[00:15:43] 'cause that takes vulnerability. And boy, do you need to have your own back through that. And that is how you actually wind up having great intimacy. And it sounds like. It's harder, but I wanna say it's actually way easier. It is way easier than trying to patchwork and bandaid your way to great intimacy, and it's also way more satisfying and it will light up your whole life.
[00:16:07] If you can make the shift to self-compassion from self-judgment, it will change everything for you. And this is actually why I have created a retreat to help jumpstart this for women. It's in Maui in January of 2026. It's open for registration right now, and it's all about making the joyful leap into self-compassion.
[00:16:33] And we're gonna do it in four days in Hawaii. So, I mean, it's gonna be fun. And this is just an aside, you know me. Trying to sell you on this retreat, just because I'm totally sold on it and I know that it's gonna be amazing. So I want you to come too. But really what I want for all of you is self-compassion.
[00:16:54] I just want that for you so much. So everything I do is oriented towards helping you build that, whether it's on a, whether we're talking about butt sex, or we're talking about swinging from the rafters, or we're talking about any sort of whatever, kind of how to talk to your partner. You know when to talk to your partner about sexual desires, how to do dirty talk.
[00:17:16] That's an upcoming episode. People, by the way, my ultimate goal for you is the joy and comfort of deep self-compassion and the connection with others that it brings. So even if you can't come to the retreat in Maui, which I hope you can, if you're a person who's a woman, if you are a person of any gender.
[00:17:38] You are always welcome to reach out to me and see if you can book a personal retreat. I do them on like an intensive Fridays in Asheville and we can give you all kinds of fun stuff to do while you're here in the mountains. It's a gorgeous place to visit the rest of the time. Or if you're local in Asheville, you can always book a personal retreat and we will help you come home to self-compassion or any of your other goals, but underlying all of them will be this deep connection to self.
[00:18:06] That is what I wish for you. All right y'all. I'm gonna go take care of myself and since I'm sick, but I'm also gonna do it, I'm doing today out of deep self-compassion. I'm gonna take a nap. I'm gonna take care of my clients. I'm gonna get this podcast out to you, and I wish you all. A really wonderful week ahead.
[00:18:27] I'll see you here next week. Wanna come to Hawaii with me? If you are a woman or you know any, send them right to my homepage, laurajurgens.com. The Maui retreat info is there and it is open for early bird registration. Don't miss it, and I get to see you in Hawaii.
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