What Really Turns Me On? With Danielle Harel, PhD

Don't miss this important (and fun) conversation with Danielle Harel, PhD, co-founder of the Somatica Institute. We talk all about discovering your deep turn-ons, how to know and ask for what you like, and why everyone's arousal pathway is different. We also flirt and laugh a lot while we demonstrate a mini-conversation to have with your partner. 

Grab the Somatica Institute's guide to Finding Your Hottest Sexual Movie (what turns you on) with this special link for podcast listeners: https://learn.somatica.com/link/6emf31?url=https%3A%2F%2Flearn.somatica.com%2Fcourse%3Fcourseid%3Dhow-to-spice-up-your-sex-life

And a special listener link to all of their other courses is here: https://learn.somatica.com/link/6emf31

Find out all the details for the Maui Women's Lit & Luscious Retreat & reserve your spot here: https://www.kamahagar.com/retreat-page/

Lit & Luscious Women's Retreat in Hawaii January 2026 is open for registration and early-bird discount! Come to Hawaii with me & co-host Kama Hagar for The Most Fun Retreat Ever Made -- just for you. 

Go to https://www.kamahagar.com/retreat-page/ to register now and give your future self the best gift ever.  

Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Laura Jurgens: Welcome to Sex Help for Smart People. I'm Dr. Laura Jurgens. I'm here to help you have better sex, intimacy and relationships, so let's get at it. Awesome. Welcome. I'm so glad you're here. I am here today with Daniel Harel, and we are, we go back a little bit because I. Was trained at the Somatic Institute, and Danielle is one of the founders of the Somatica Institute, and so I know we'll wind up talking about the Somatica method quite a bit.

[00:00:34] Today we're also gonna talk about this idea called the hottest sexual movie and Finding Yours. How to find yours. What the heck are we even talking about? Why is it important? Why will it completely change your life? So we're gonna talk about that and get into it. But first, you know Daniel, I know there's a million things you could probably say.

[00:00:55] You've published a bunch of books. I always recommend Making Love Real and coming together to my clients and to everyone I meet. You've just come off. This crazy TV thing in the uk you've probably got a million projects, but if you were to just give yourself a like, give everybody a little introduction to you about what's kind of light in your fire lately, who you are, why you do this, will 

[00:01:20] Danielle Harel: you just introduce yourself to the audience?

[00:01:23] Hi, uh, really, really awesome to be here and I'm really excited to be a guest on your podcast. And, um, yeah, I am one of the founders of the Somatic Institute and like really, um, talking about somatic and talk about somatic all day long because I'm really excited about the method. Feel how it changes people's lives.

[00:01:45] So that really ignites my father to talk about experiential somatic body-based coaching and how effective it is. Um, and also I am still really, um, I. I dunno, like on the wave of coming off a whole pr you know, PR pro, how do you say it? PR spree. Sure. Why not? PR spree in London, uh, kind of promoting Virgin Island.

[00:02:15] I know if in the US you can see it yet, hopefully one day you will be able to, but if you are in the UK or New Zealand, you'll be able to watch Virgin Island and it's really is all the race. People talking about it all the time. It's one of, it looked 

[00:02:30] Laura Jurgens: like you. You had some fun. 

[00:02:32] Danielle Harel: We had so much fun and you know, I love working and having fun.

[00:02:36] That's part of what really excites me. 

[00:02:39] Laura Jurgens: Yeah, I, that's one of the wonderful things about the Somatica method too, is, is the play and joy that's involved. So we'll get into that a little bit more so people know what we're talking about. But I am really overjoyed to welcome you here. And we'll talk today.

[00:02:54] Let's just kind of get into it about, I feel like how Asexual movie is one of those ideas and concepts that's really core to the Somatica method, and maybe you can tell us a little bit why and what it is. 

[00:03:06] Danielle Harel: Yeah, so maybe I'll go even one step before Hot, a sexual movie because I'll talk a little bit about how people are different and people have different desires and I think a lot of issues in relationships stem from the belief that sex supposed to be the spontaneous and we're supposed to know exactly what we are doing.

[00:03:25] And it's always a very, you know, like simple way of doing sex, but. Thing is that sex is not that simple as it's been advertised in. In romcoms or Yeah, in romcoms tv. You know, we kind of see porn. Yep. Porn, you know, there's mostly one kind that we see and it's very action. It's very sexual acts based and not so much.

[00:03:49] Focusing about what really turns us on. But what motivates us and what also really help us have great sex life is what finding out or taking time to find out what really is you on. And that is like the concept of core desires and like really finding like the feelings that you wanna have when you are thinking about what, what kind of sex you have.

[00:04:13] And, um, we go to great length into, um, in. Take a training and in classes that we have to kinda really help people understand that that's where the foundation is, meaning what really emotionally turns you on, because that's what will make you excited and that's what will make sex really great and very fulfilling.

[00:04:35] Um, so that's, I think, like the biggest foundation and heterosexual movies tied into it. Because after you figure out what the feelings that you wanna have, then you wanna find out what are the, what are the actions, what energy, what kind of words you wanna hear, maybe what kind of outfit, if you're into outfits you wanna have or not, or what kind of like scenarios you wanna create.

[00:04:59] To have that hottest sexual movie. Yeah. 

[00:05:04] Laura Jurgens: To have that emotional experience so that you can really build, and there's so many different pathways maybe for each individual person to have those. Core desires met those feelings that they really wanna have. And I love that you started with that to explain to people that we're, and, and also started with that people are really different because that is one of the places where people get really hung up in their relationships is feeling like, well, one, sometimes people even feel like they're supposed to be different, that they're supposed to be some sort of cookie cutter.

[00:05:34] Aren't I supposed to be turned on by this, that, or the the other? Aren't I supposed to be turned on by my partner? Gazing deeply into my eyes, which totally creeps me out, by the way. I know, me too. I 

[00:05:45] Speaker 3: like, oh, I'm only too 

[00:05:49] Laura Jurgens: much. Too much. Um, this is not sexy for me, but aren't, you know, this idea that we're all supposed to be turned on by the same thing, and that's, or we're supposed to be turned on by the same thing by gender and really understanding that actually that's not true at all.

[00:06:04] That we have different emotions that turn us on, and that there's these different pathways to get there through what Somatica calls the hottest sexual movie or like the, the, the. Images or scenes or energy like you described. And it might, maybe it's outfits right, like you said, but maybe it's also just energy.

[00:06:22] Danielle Harel: Yeah. That somebody might be, for some people, outfits are really important. Yeah. For people, they don't want outfits because they wanna feel that they are wanted just the way they are. And outfits. I do not put me in outfits because outfits gonna make me feel like you don't like me. Yeah. You like the outfit.

[00:06:38] So everyone, as you said, Laura, has a different, you know, like different things that. And it is foundational to realize that. And I also love that you said that we really wanna be cautious about cookie cutter solutions to challenge and sexuality because as you said, it's not true. Everyone, that eye gazing is gonna solve the problem.

[00:07:02] And if you think that that's the only way to do it, and then you. Work really, really hard to gaze into your partner's eyes and you find that it still doesn't do it. A, you're gonna feel shame and B, you're gonna feel something's wrong with you. And we really are not about that. We want you to feel great about what turns you on, great.

[00:07:21] About what you want, and like find. It works for you. 

[00:07:25] Laura Jurgens: Absolutely. Absolutely. And exactly what you're saying is the exact reason, in my mind anyway, that this sort of go-to quote unquote cookie cutter fixes, you know, oh, I'll just buy some lingerie, or, we'll, you know, we'll go to the sex toy store and we'll find like some sort of kinky outfit for me to wear.

[00:07:48] That'll radically ma massively change our sex lives and get us out of boredom or get us out of disconnect. Like those things don't work because they don't work for everybody. There's not a one size fits all solution. So I love that we're talking about this today because you have so much wisdom to share with people.

[00:08:05] About how we do find, how do we find it? How do we find our own thing? What really, how would you suggest somebody go about finding that thing that really works for them? 

[00:08:18] Danielle Harel: Yeah, that suite of things. I think, you know, like, and that, that's a great question. And um, I think people do get confused about how do I find my thing and they only get the things that usually recommend, which is the feather, the oil, the outfit, the sometimes even the sex.

[00:08:38] You know, which might work with some people might not for others, but kind of like really starting, I think like the, the, the, the path to start is to start to about what is it that you already know that turns you on, and I'm gonna. A little bit of ways to figure it out. Like where do you even look? Okay, what are you thinking about, right?

[00:09:00] So if you are thinking about like your hottest fantasy or if you're thinking about, um, and your best sexual experience, and again, if you didn't have your best sexual experience, you can linger in depth into how to say, how to fantasy and see. What about that fantasy is really, it's not about just the fantasy, because again, in fantasy, some people really focus on the acts of sex and then they don't know how to drive the feelings that they wanna feel out of it, and then they keep trying to circulate to the act.

[00:09:37] So, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just like, I wanted to take it another, another notch. Go and look at what, in that moment that you're most turned on, what is the feeling that you are trying to have? So for example, if, um, I'm really turned on by this moment, oh, I feel so exposed now, which is also what turns me.

[00:10:01] A little bit. So there's a, a moment, you know, um, even in porn that they just expose the nipples just a little bit, but just the beginning of it and this level of vulnerability of being exposed like that. Really turns me on. And that's like where you wanna pay attention. Like what is that moment that really, really turns you on?

[00:10:24] And start to be curious about why does it turn you on? What are the feelings that you wanna feel in that? What are the feelings that you're feeling in that moment that are spiking that interest in that specific sexual act? 

[00:10:39] Laura Jurgens: Yeah, absolutely. And what about. If, and we're talking about also if somebody's having a hard time figuring out what, like sometimes I think people think, okay, by turn on, you mean I'm just like ripping my clothes off and ready to have sex in two seconds.

[00:10:57] You know that it's supposed to be some sort of fast process, or it's supposed to be from zero to a hundred and what you're describing, right? Might be like kind of the beginning, maybe it's like the beginning spark of turn on and we wanna follow some of those breadcrumbs. 

[00:11:14] Speaker 3: For ourselves. Right? So like they call it breadcrumbs, the little breadcrumbs to like the, like candy house in the forest full of yummy sex.

[00:11:24] So, exactly. You see like, okay, I hope those bread crumbs are gluten-free so I can follow them too. Well, they're like 

[00:11:31] Laura Jurgens: sexy, sexy nipple breadcrumbs, right? In this scenario that you're offering here, it's like, ooh, little nipple peak breadcrumb. So. It sounds like it, even in the beginning stages of turnon. We wanna understand what also starts us on that process, not just what sort of pushes us over the edge of orgasm, but what also really get what starts intriguing us, what's like a little turnon, and then we can kind of follow that a little bit more.

[00:12:00] Danielle Harel: Very true. Really, really true. Because kind of like whether it's the beginning of Turnon or it's the heights of Turnon, maybe just like the acts are gonna be more intense. You kind of start to notice that you and, uh, who listens to us now your audience, that you're gonna find that there's like, kind of a theme, kind of like a Also for me, exposure is gonna be an ongoing theme about like this kind of like vulnerability around it is going to be.

[00:12:28] No matter whether the act is just the beginning, the arousal or later on, that will be the same kind of like turn on, that will keep lubricating and keeping me aroused and have the feeling of like, ah, this is really hot for me. Might not be hot for someone at all, and that's totally fine, but that's why.

[00:12:47] We have different kinds of scenarios. Yep. But to add to this, I just wanna say that sometimes people feel like they don't even know where to start. Yeah. Because there's nothing se traditionally sexual in their turnons. 

[00:13:01] Speaker 3: Mm-hmm. 

[00:13:02] Danielle Harel: For example, sometimes people feel kinda. Relaxed. Turn on. No one to talk to.

[00:13:08] Think even about relaxed turnon or kind of like a full body aliveness at dancing. Mm-hmm. Or they're soaking in water. I li I see that you're smiling like that. Yeah. You like that. You right. I like that stuff. They're like in nature hiking or this feeling of being one with nature can be a turnon, and that's wonderful.

[00:13:31] That is the breadcrumbs to your turnons because this is a completely legit and wonderful way to feel turned on. It doesn't have to be interpersonal. It can be like. Intrapersonal, like beyond a person, like with nature or with images. I know I had a client who was really turned. By reading alien books because there was something about the like, you know, like she really liked this, like out of control, don't know those people.

[00:14:04] Mm-hmm. Those creature and feeling like she can be taken advantage by them, but them not being humans was very arousing. To her. So like kinda looking at all those aspects and starting to like be a detective and put them together is where you're gonna, you know, like start to find the breadcrumbs and your whole full story around that.

[00:14:29] Laura Jurgens: Yeah. Wonderful. I love that you're mentioning some of these non sort of, I would say I don't think they're not. I wouldn't say they're non-traditional because I do think people historically have had all of these turnarounds. They're just not well represented in our idea of modern sexuality. But, but they're so important.

[00:14:53] And I, I wonder how do you feel like that's related also for people who might say, I'm not sure I've ever been turned on. You know, they're, they don't identify as someone who knows. If they've even ever been like really turned on, how would they go about starting to find their first few breadcrumbs? 

[00:15:13] Danielle Harel: Yeah.

[00:15:14] So I think that would be very interesting exploration for them to figure out what does turn on feel like in their body. 'cause people have some idea the turn on means readiness for sex. 

[00:15:27] Speaker 4: Mm-hmm. 

[00:15:28] Danielle Harel: When I say turn on, I mean. Aliveness or kind of like arousal. That doesn't mean that I'm ready to have sex now.

[00:15:37] You know? And sometimes people get, um, you know, like aroused again, like with no relationship to anyone else. Mm-hmm. With no relationship to any explicit sexual acts. And that's valid. So even thinking about what is it that they are dating. About. Mm-hmm. You know, or what are the things they like to spend time doing that gives them joy?

[00:16:03] That would be like an initial breadcrumb to start following 

[00:16:08] Laura Jurgens: and seeing. Yeah. What feeling do you love about that thing? So if it's that you love gardening, for example, maybe what you love is the sensation of the sun on your skin and the fresh air and the. Earth under your fingers, and maybe that makes you feel a certain way and that emotion might make you feel extra alive, and we can follow that breadcrumb to a little bit more essential arousal than as we kind of continue e 

[00:16:38] Danielle Harel: Exactly.

[00:16:40] Yeah. Okay. And, and also many times when we are doing different activities, we don't think about engaging a pelvic floor and thinking about it as a, you know, like as a potentially arousing experience. For us, you know, we're talking here and we both, you know, done some training around sexuality, right? So we are, we know like, Ooh, bring it to your pelvic floor and start feeling it, like bringing the body all the way down to your pelvic floor and starting to engage in more, like considering your pelvic floor is part of your body and not just this thing that just there and supposed to be waking up for for sex, but more like, wow, this is a place that they can see.

[00:17:22] When I, when, when I decide whether something is interesting for me or something that I wanna follow in life, not only in sex. 

[00:17:30] Laura Jurgens: Absolutely. So this is starting to get also into sort of the connection between all these different. Aspects of teachings and and coaching that we do in somatica, in the somatica method, right?

[00:17:43] We're, we're now thinking about in order to even understand and follow your breadcrumbs, we might have to start decom compartmentalizing our bodies and not just living sort of in the. Neck up, which a lot of us do. And that's where I used to be. I used to live up there, and then I was like, wait, what?

[00:18:03] Connecting with my genitals, connecting with my pelvic floor, what does that even look like? And so teaching people even just how to do that. But if it is something that you have access to, you can use it. Or when you become familiar with it, we're all walking around with it, but we might not be connected.

[00:18:21] Then you can use it to also understand what. Arouses you or, yeah. Because then need your arousal. 

[00:18:28] Danielle Harel: Yeah, exactly. Because then you're much more connected to the signs of arousals in your body. 

[00:18:35] Speaker 4: Mm-hmm. 

[00:18:36] Danielle Harel: And some people, um, actually really get. Much more excited and turn on in connection with other people, and they don't realize that it turns them on because it doesn't feel sexual.

[00:18:50] So, you know, like knowing someone intimately or can feel like very arousing, but. Because the decompartmentalize, because our sexuality is compartmentalized and it's not something that we are, you know, like working actively to feel that everything can lead to our liveness and arousal. We don't take it into account as potential.

[00:19:13] I. Arousal situation or arousing situation. 

[00:19:18] Laura Jurgens: Hmm. We're missing all the sexy potential. 

[00:19:21] Danielle Harel: I know there's so much beauty and sexuality in the world. Why not live it all? It doesn't have to be sex. It can be all the time. All around. 

[00:19:30] Laura Jurgens: Yeah. Yeah. It's really expanding the idea of what is erotic and using that to have more joy.

[00:19:39] I think some people sometimes get a little afraid of that too. Like, well, what if I'm aroused all the time? Wouldn't that be a burden? And I don't know. In my experience, it's pretty fun. What do you think? 

[00:19:50] Danielle Harel: I know. I know. It's almost like, because if you're not familiar with that, it might feel overwhelming at the beginning, but it is like going to the gym.

[00:19:58] Well, the good, it's a good gym. 

[00:20:01] Speaker 3: So 

[00:20:01] Danielle Harel: the gym is also a good gym. I like my gym. I like my gym. I know, because what happens if you go consistently to the gym is that you start and you don't get injured. You know, like then you start to look forward to it because then you have, you see all the benefits that it gives you body, but you also see all the endorphins and all the good hormones that flow your body and no one, and that's been high.

[00:20:22] Promoted because this is like cool. That's a motivation to go to the gym. You're gonna have the endorphin. No one talks about the motivation of feeling aroused, which also brings a lot of endorphins and dopamine and oxytocin and all those good hormones that flood your body. And then you are moving around with much more joy and alive.

[00:20:41] Yeah, and then, you know, all the good hormones. But again, sex is a taboo culture, and our sexual energy is being policed a lot, uh, through the ages. So that's why it's not popular, not because it's a bad idea. 

[00:20:56] Laura Jurgens: Yeah, and I also think people sometimes feel like there's some sort of, there's two different types of lack of safety that I was gonna mention.

[00:21:05] One is that sometimes women in particular feel like it's not safe to be aroused and embodied in our sexuality. Right? We get that message really early on. But I think also there's this, there's a fear that if I have arousal, I'll just de desire. I'll have a lot of desire. And then I will want other people to service that desire.

[00:21:26] I will feel rejected when they don't want to. Like, I can't just hold desire for me and enjoy it. I can't hold arousal for me and enjoy it because they haven't really tried necessarily. It's actually totally possible and lovely, but when we imagine it, we think, oh, well, if I have desire, I'm gonna always want somebody to, to do something for me sexually.

[00:21:49] And then I might be disappointed. And it, there's a fear of disappointment and rejection maybe. 

[00:21:53] Danielle Harel: Yeah, you talk about two really, really important things. One is the fear of violation that I'm gonna be connected to my sexual energy. I'm gonna maybe like generate more erotic energy and then I might be violated.

[00:22:08] But I actually think that the opposite is true because if you're connected to your arousal. Connected to your body and you're more connected to your yes and your no. And you are much able, much, you know, you are more effective in being able to recognize when something does not feel good and be more assertive, uh, with your boundaries as well as avoid situations that feel kinda shady.

[00:22:32] They feel like, oh, you don't have to be fully lit and. It's okay. Um, yeah. So when you are more connected to your sexuality, you are more connected to your embodied experience of boundaries and more connected to abil, to your ability to say yes and no. Feel like what's right and what's not right for you.

[00:22:55] You can always tame the appearance of your arousal if you feel it's not a safe place to be. Like, if you're walking in the dark by yourself in a dark alley, don't start shining well, if you're by yourself, it doesn't matter. But if there are people out there and you don't feel safe, like you can tame your sexuality, but it's still yours, it doesn't go away.

[00:23:17] It's more like you don't have to share it with. Every morning. Yeah. We don't have to 

[00:23:22] Laura Jurgens: shove it down and deny it in order to not share it with people. And when we are embodied and living more fully in the whole body, I think you're right. We have a better sense of intuition and, and honoring our own intuition in those moments.

[00:23:40] Yeah. Yeah. And 

[00:23:41] Danielle Harel: we can, the no, and the yeses are much more loud when we are connected to our. Into our arousal and we start to kinda gauge into what feels good for real, what we think is supposed to satisfy, you know, like someone's idea of sex, what really works. Mm-hmm. Our desires. And then we're more likely, you know, the next step of the process is actually to.

[00:24:03] Vocalize it as well, and it's like, no, I don't want that. Or like, start to assert your boundaries in a 

[00:24:08] Laura Jurgens: Yeah. And we can even say when something's enough for us. Oh, I loved making out with you, but I'm done now. Thank you. 

[00:24:16] Danielle Harel: See you next week maybe. Exactly. You, you have much more agency when you connect to your arousal and to your body because you have a, you have like a place inside your.

[00:24:27] To check what feels right to you. 

[00:24:29] Laura Jurgens: Yeah, 

[00:24:30] Danielle Harel: yeah. And for the other, yeah. You know, the other concern that people might think about, like, wow, if I'm gonna be so aroused all the time, I'm. The time and that means that I will have to force people to do it or to feel rejected. Right? But I think, I think for different people, aroused feels different and also utilize it, it kinda like can be channeled in different places.

[00:24:54] It does mean that everyone is wanna have more sex. It sometimes mean that some people are more. Or wanna like channel it into like creativity or movement or dance or empathy or connection or anything else. It doesn't all have to be around sex, but even if it is about sex, that's wonderful. Just you may need to find partners who are there with you on the journey, you know?

[00:25:18] And it is some sorting, as we said, because people are not the same and everyone's different desire anyways. You will need to find partners that wanna be on your journey. Like catching you in your journey of what turns you on and be compatible with you. So it'll help you be more precise in getting what you want.

[00:25:38] Laura Jurgens: Yeah, that's great. So if we do that and if we are connected to our arousal and we can find, follow our little breadcrumbs to figure out what kind of emotions we wanna have, and. Then how do we, what do we do with this? What is this hottest sexual movie part? How does that come in? 

[00:25:56] Danielle Harel: Wonderful. It's exactly the time to talk about it.

[00:26:01] Speaker 4: Look at me using my embodied intuition. So I love it. 

[00:26:07] Danielle Harel: So it's true. After we figure out what we wanna feel, now we wanna explore different kinds of movies of how to. Play it out, what will be the things that will satisfy it? And we're talking about like four major things that we wanna look at. One is the energy we wanna feel in the connection.

[00:26:29] Um, the second one is the words that we wanna hear. The third is the touch that we wanna experience. And then the fourth is if there might be specific scenarios that we wanna play out to fulfill the, the, to get to those feelings. And the combination of all of them is of course the one that's like brings us to the ha to the top of our OS and to the best emotional fulfillment as well.

[00:26:56] Um, so, and they kind of work in synchronicity so. Let's, I don't know if you want us like to like take an example and then like break it down. People will have a more tangible experience of what I'm talking about. 

[00:27:10] Laura Jurgens: Sure, yeah. Let's absolutely use an example. 

[00:27:12] Danielle Harel: Okay. Anything from me 

[00:27:14] Laura Jurgens: or from you? What would you prefer?

[00:27:16] Danielle Harel: I think it'd be fun if we did it together. Yeah. It would 

[00:27:18] Laura Jurgens: be fun if we do it together. 

[00:27:20] Danielle Harel: Yeah. So anything that like really kinda, you know about your on that you wanna explain. Yeah. 

[00:27:29] Laura Jurgens: So for me, I, you know, you know this about me already, but I really love feeling free. Mm-hmm. And I really love feeling, uh, sort of approved of and celebrated in that by my partner.

[00:27:41] So there's all kinds of ways to sort of get there for me. But I feel like one thing that's really fun that would be fun to play with is. Having a lot of words, like for me it's the energy of somebody feeling really self-contained. Like I don't have to take care of them, so that gives me some freedom.

[00:28:05] Mm-hmm. Right there is like they're confident enough, I don't have to care, take their. Insecurities that feels really good, but they're also attuning to me and present, so that feels free, but also like I can trust them enough to feel free. I'm not, I don't have to be vigilant. And then things that are like, like words.

[00:28:26] I love that energy combined with. Just expressions of things. Like, I love that you're doing whatever, you know, whatever it is that I'm doing, I want it to be sort of celebrated by the other person. 

[00:28:37] Danielle Harel: So you were talking about, and I, I get it because I'm like that as well. We are very similar in what turns us on.

[00:28:44] We already found that out. So there's something about feeling that your partner and I feel that way too, they. For me, the way that it turns, the way that I was able to kinda really crystallize it, is that they. Feel pleasure by pleasuring me. So they don't need constant reassurance. They also attuning and they know what they're doing, but they really, for me, feel acceptance, tired, is that they get a lot of pleasure from what they're doing to me.

[00:29:22] So then we know that we're an energetic sync, right? Because they're not just doing me, but they're like really loving it. 

[00:29:30] Laura Jurgens: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Is 

[00:29:32] Danielle Harel: that what you're talking about? They're like 

[00:29:33] Laura Jurgens: expressing for me it's a little bit different. It's a little bit more like I want to hear expressed approval for me being in my turn on, like I want, I want them to be like, you are turned on, and that's like, I'm going to keep you there.

[00:29:51] Danielle Harel: Amazing. 

[00:29:51] Laura Jurgens: You are free to be turned on. You are safe to be turned on. Like all that stuff. And like it's great that you're turned on. Like I want all that expressed approval. 

[00:29:59] Danielle Harel: Wonderful. So if I'm your partner, what do you actually want to hear me say? So this is the feelings that you wanna feel. Mm-hmm. Now, if I was your partner, how would you tell me?

[00:30:11] Help you and I'm gonna try it and you tell me if it feels right. 

[00:30:14] Laura Jurgens: Yeah. It would be like, I want you to express whatever you want and I'm gonna love it. Wonderful. 

[00:30:21] Danielle Harel: And that's exactly, gonna try the sentence and see if it lends well. Mm-hmm. You need to tweak it because that's how people find out how to do the hottest section movie.

[00:30:31] It's workshopping. We're trying something. One person is saying what turns them on the other person. Mm-hmm. That's. We are taking turns, right? Other person is gonna offer it to them, and then we are gonna tweak the energy and the words in this case to match what turns you on. Okay? So I'm gonna try it.

[00:30:51] Great. Okay, Laura. I love to see when you turn on. I just want you to keep expressing your turnon. There's nothing you need to change about it. It really turns me on to see you, hear you in your turnon. 

[00:31:06] Laura Jurgens: That feels yummy. And then I think what would help solidify it, like would be the next step would be if I am, you know, moaning or expressing some sort of enjoyment if I'm like.

[00:31:21] I love that, or I'm groaning, that you just are kind of like, yes. 

[00:31:27] Danielle Harel: Like literally the 

[00:31:28] Laura Jurgens: word yes. Just the word yes. 

[00:31:30] Danielle Harel: Okay. Because people hear it and they think like, oh, no, no, I need to develop a whole sentence. And I'm like, no. Yes. 

[00:31:37] Laura Jurgens: Yeah. It could just be, yes. It could be. I, I love that. It could just be, yes, it could be like that, but that just, even just like, yes.

[00:31:46] Danielle Harel: Yes. It's 

[00:31:46] Laura Jurgens: so perfect. I don't need a ton more, I mean, I like a little dirty talk too, but that's a different topic. But like a, like this whole, like, like the narration of support feels really good to me. 

[00:31:59] Danielle Harel: Yes. So saying we can imagine you moaning now. Mm-hmm. Daniel, 

[00:32:07] Laura Jurgens: that feels so good. 

[00:32:09] Danielle Harel: Yes. I love when you're enjoying it.

[00:32:13] Yeah. I love seeing your enjoyment and arousal. Yeah. 

[00:32:18] Laura Jurgens: And so that was the combination of me receiving the words, but the words being really aligned with the energy and that is what really works for me in particular, like I don't need as many other bells and whistles. If I could get words and energy. Those ones really checked my boxes, but the energy has to be aligned.

[00:32:36] Like somebody else could say those words and they just don't bring the energy you just brought to it and it wouldn't work. I. 

[00:32:42] Danielle Harel: Yeah, so the energy I brought to you a lot of like, it might be hard to fully grasp it without the visual. I wasn't doing a lot of movement. It was more like the energy was very like forward, kind of like real ravenous and wanting you and kind of really like celebrating you.

[00:33:00] Laura Jurgens: Yeah. Yeah. But it felt really grounded and you felt really present in you. To me. 

[00:33:06] Danielle Harel: Exactly. That's really important because I think for the, for the, you know, if you have this like desire. Freedom. You would wanna feel that your partner, many times is solid 

[00:33:18] Speaker 3: mm-hmm. In 

[00:33:18] Danielle Harel: their energy. And they don't try to take away from your energy.

[00:33:22] They like wanna add to this, but not like, suck on it. Yes. Which is really, really foundational. 

[00:33:29] Laura Jurgens: Yes. It's absolutely foundational and rather challenging in the, in the world. And these are, that brings up this idea that, you know, a lot of us think. I mean, almost everybody that I run into, I think almost everybody comes in with this idea that we're not supposed to have to ask.

[00:33:47] You know? And so many people think they're supposed to read their partner's mind or their partners supposed to read their mind. It's like there's nobody that in the world that could read my mind about exactly what I wanna hear and exactly the sort of energy. But I would really like it if I explain it, if they will try and I don't mind explaining it.

[00:34:04] I think there's a part of us that's like a little inner child that kind of wants everybody just to take care of us like, like we're a baby. But it's okay to ask, right? 

[00:34:15] Danielle Harel: Yeah. I think you're talking about lots of steps. Actually, it seems simple, but it's actually complex because what we wanna feel is that, well, the most important thing you talked about is like no one would know, like literally did you know, notice.

[00:34:28] And I'm a person in the field, and I know Laura and I have a little bit reference of it by my, with myself. Most of what people do in the bedroom is they're gonna try to project what they like on someone else. As an example for all of you, because that's what people actually do when they try to have sex.

[00:34:47] They say like, oh, I like this. Maybe my partner's gonna like that too, but. Even if close, it's still not the same as the nuance. So when you wanna go into these interactions, you wanna be super curious not to think that there's something wrong with asking. And you're not supposed to know. It doesn't mean you shouldn't try, but you should.

[00:35:07] It's please do try. But it's not about like I need to know ahead of time. It's about I wanna be curious and. Okay. For me not to get it right away and to try different things to see what works. That's why it's called shopping, because otherwise it wouldn't work. Right. 

[00:35:23] Laura Jurgens: Absolutely. I mean, I think about this stuff all the time and I've spent so much time reflecting on myself and I still have like, you know, questions about, well how would we actually do this?

[00:35:35] And you know, what if I did wanna bring in an outfit, or if I want maybe on a different day, what words do I wanna hear? Maybe they might be different on Tuesday than they were on Sunday. 

[00:35:46] Danielle Harel: They are, because we are changed. We are different in different days and we are different on different experiences. And also the more we are gonna.

[00:35:54] Flash out and explore those thing tho those experiences, the world will become more precise and they might be different, different occasions. So they, you might find that what was essential at the beginning of your journey, exploring your hardest sexual movie or desires will. Might switch a little bit.

[00:36:14] You play along. So don't get like stuck. Keep the flow and the exploration to find, okay, what's next? And that's what also keep us not bored because people die from boredom when do the same repetition all the time. And we're looking for this nuance. The nuance makes a big difference in the energy in the.

[00:36:37] And in the touch that comes with it. And sometimes it can be like a gesture and what I mean, gestures, for example. Um, I don't know, like if you hold someone down in a specific way or if you are, you know, like, um, I. Hold them with your energy or you like look at them in a piercing way, or you tell them like, don't look at me or do look at me, or now you know, like different words can create a completely different experience and there's such a huge arsenal of that.

[00:37:11] It's unbelievable. You know, the amount of exploration that can happen in this. You know, journey of finding your hot sexual movie. 

[00:37:20] Laura Jurgens: Absolutely. And I love all those examples of all the sort of nuances because they do bring it home too, that we really do need to be communicating about these things because it's, you know, it's sometimes hard for us to even figure it out for ourselves in that moment.

[00:37:37] And then of course, our partner is not gonna be able to read our minds and it is okay to ask, and it doesn't diminish the gift. Like I actually think it, I've come to realize that it's even better to get something you asked for. 

[00:37:51] Danielle Harel: Oh, I think so For me, I think many times for people, it's kind of like sometimes I see people that like being holding down and not saying what they want, and then they're like almost explode because the partner doesn't know how to give it to them.

[00:38:04] But then eventually when they say, they almost yell at them and or they correct them in a very intense way and that shuts down. Mm-hmm. They say, and then they're like, 

[00:38:12] Laura Jurgens: well, I asked and I can't get it. 

[00:38:14] Danielle Harel: Exactly. No, you didn't. You didn't ask in a way that the person would be able to give it. And even when ask there is reation, there's like exploring and seeing if that.

[00:38:25] It's also okay, even if you ask for it after you receive it to maybe need to Correct. Yeah. Or change something in it to be more precise. Mm-hmm. Right. And in Somatica we have this whole, yeah. Like we have this practice in Somatica about giving feedback in a loving way because like I. There's correction throughout a sexual experience, and it's okay to go multiple times, try something and see if it works and not to be deflated about it or to be frustrated at not happening and doesn't work.

[00:38:57] And just like keeping it sexy while you give feedback really helps the digestion around 

[00:39:03] Laura Jurgens: this as well. Yeah, absolutely. Sexy and a little bit lighthearted, knowing that. We don't have to get everything right the first time. And it can be play. Yeah, 

[00:39:11] Danielle Harel: exactly. Which can be hard for some 

[00:39:14] Laura Jurgens: people. It can be. It takes some practice.

[00:39:17] Danielle Harel: Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:39:17] Laura Jurgens: That's why it's best to practice, you know, with even just with the communication with the coach and then, you know, it's lower stakes than practicing with your partner where you feel, I know, like the emotions. You're so worried about doing it wrong with them. Exactly. That's one of the things that I really appreciate about the somatic method in general, is the f.

[00:39:37] Just the emphasis on practice. Experiencing is the best way to build confidence. 

[00:39:43] Danielle Harel: Very true. And you know, you're a coach, Laura, amazing coach, and you see people how they're actually using those to, you're a somatic coach. People are using and practicing and then they can bring to their relationship. It's much more suave and it goes, as we say, practice with a kitten to face the tiger.

[00:40:02] Speaker 4: Oh, I like that. I've never heard that one before. 

[00:40:06] Danielle Harel: Tell me favorite sentences about Somatic, 

[00:40:10] Speaker 4: although I wonder if some of some people might be like, oh gosh. I'm like, is my partner the tiger? 

[00:40:17] Danielle Harel: Some people already feel that their partner is the target's true. They don't know how to give them feedback and they don't wanna be offensive and they don't wanna, you know, reduce their confidence.

[00:40:26] And people are so sensitive around feedback and I am always looking at feedback as like your best friend, because that's how you are. More likely to get what you want. From our conversation, you can see that it's not that simple and straightforward. It can be quite complex. Mm-hmm. But But also very doable and fulfilling.

[00:40:47] Laura Jurgens: Yeah. And you have a course on 

[00:40:51] Danielle Harel: how to find your hottest sexual movie, right? Yeah. We have a course at learnsomatica.com, both for finding your core desires, like finding what turns you on, find your hottest turn on, and also. On how to sexual movie with different kinds of examples of how to like, you know, different kinds of like examples of different kinds of movies to at least to have a beginning of a menu.

[00:41:16] Because sometimes you might not even know where to start or what kind of movies you can play. So you said just some examples of movies. That include like the whole breakdown of words and energy and touch and you know, gestures that might be very fitting to those movies. So you can find it all on somatica.com and I'm sure we get a link to it as well.

[00:41:40] Yes, 

[00:41:40] Laura Jurgens: I'll put a link in the show notes. For sure. Yeah. Is there anything else that you feel like is really important to say about this topic that you didn't get a chance to say? 

[00:41:50] Danielle Harel: Um, I just feel, we talked a lot about breaking down, which is super important. And then like really, we also mentioned how important it is to give it time to not be devastated when things don't go right away the way you want them to.

[00:42:05] Which you know, I am. It comes to that, and I do get devastated sometimes when I don't get my best experience right away. But one of the things I is the patience around it and also knowing that even with the same partner that you already trained and did stuff multiple times, you still would wanna give feedback along.

[00:42:25] Way because people have different moods, different ability to attune at different times, different in different times. So really like taking it as a journey and looking at those experiences as learning opportunities, you know, pleasure, learning opportunity, pleasure. Opportunities. 

[00:42:46] Laura Jurgens: It's like a pleasure adventure we're on together, right?

[00:42:49] We're not supposed to have, it doesn't have to be the whirlwind tour. We go to 12 countries in three days and you know, everybody's supposed to have an orgasm every 20 seconds or something. We wanna let it be a, let it be a slowly unfolding journey and find, choose your adventures along the way, communicate well about them.

[00:43:12] I love that. 

[00:43:13] Danielle Harel: Yeah. And also, you know, when you're gonna dive into those topics, you are gonna see that you can talk about it so many hours a day, you'll have so many things. Talk about with your partner. Talk about it's true auto asexual movie and cor tires. You can go, you know, to movies and talk about them.

[00:43:30] It'll fill your life. In so many ways, 

[00:43:33] Speaker 4: it's true. You can really spend a lot of time sort of nerding out about it in a really fun way 

[00:43:40] Laura Jurgens: because 

[00:43:41] Speaker 4: it's, it's all like, this whole 

[00:43:42] Laura Jurgens: new world opens up about how we even experience eroticism together and then we now we have some language around it. I think that's really powerful for people.

[00:43:52] So I really do recommend your courses. For opening up the language and the conversation and your own understanding of yourself, 

[00:44:00] Danielle Harel: and then bye bye boredom. Yeah.

[00:44:07] Laura Jurgens: Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Wonderful. Thank you so much, Danielle, for being here. I'm gonna put all the links in the show notes for everyone, and I'm sure we're gonna have you pack at some point. 

[00:44:19] Danielle Harel: Thank you so much, Laura. It's Vince. So much fun. I really had a great time. Thank you for having me. 

[00:44:23] Laura Jurgens: Wanna come to Hawaii with me?

[00:44:25] If you are a woman or you know any, send them right to my homepage, https://laurajurgens.com. The Maui retreat info is there and it's open for early bird registration. Don't miss it, and I get to see you in Hawaii.