When Touch Feels Off: Why It Happens & How to Fix It

Have you ever been with someone you love, but their touch just felt... wrong? Or maybe your partner has told you that YOUR touch feels off, and you have no idea what you're doing wrong?

I'm diving deep into this incredibly common issue that so many couples face but rarely talk about. First, I want you to know: you're not broken, and neither is your partner. This happens to normal humans with normal senses, and it's actually important information your body is giving you.

I'm breaking down the four main reasons touch can feel off – from being too up in your head instead of present in your body, to timing issues, to picking up on unspoken emotions your partner isn't even aware they're having. The good news? All of this can be fixed with better communication, presence, and attunement skills.

I'll share a real example from a recent intensive session where I walked a couple through this exact process, and it was absolutely life-changing for them. If you've ever struggled with this, you're going to want to hear the practical solutions that actually work.

This episode could transform how you connect with your partner.

Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Transcript

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Welcome to Sex help for smart people. I'm Dr Laura Jurgens. I'm here to help you have better sex, intimacy and relationships. So let's get at it. Hello. Welcome to today's episode. We are talking today about why touch can sometimes just feel off or wrong or kind of even from someone that you love and your mind wants to engage with their touch. But we're going to talk today about what happens in your body and why it can sometimes just not feel right. We'll talk a little bit about what to do with about it the antidotes, but I'm going to go through four reasons it commonly happens, and I'll tell you that the antidotes are pretty much the same, to some extent, a little bit tweaked for each one, but there are always some level of one, increasing self awareness and your own ability and interest in listening to your body and your validation of your body's responses. Two, stopping people pleasing and making sure to hold your own body's boundaries. And I understand that's not trivial. None of these are three, dramatically improving communication with your partner and four having both people understand how to do presence and attunement. Now, look, none of those things are super quick fixes, but the cool thing is, they are all absolutely learnable and doable, and each one will met just like beyond in your wildest imagination, up level your life. So everything that you do to get towards solutions for this challenge will actually make the whole rest of your life better, which is awesome. So so that's the good news. And also the good news is, if touch feels off to you, sometimes you are not crazy, nor are you a bad partner, nor is your partner a bad partner. This is just really common. And so we'll talk about why. And this is stuff I teach in my client sessions all the time. These solutions are things that I teach so much with people, and I want you to know that all of the solutions can be taught. No one has to know already exactly how to touch you correctly. It's nice if they do, but to be honest, most people don't, and it's hard enough just to find a partner that you match with in other ways. So if they need to learn this stuff, know that it's 100% okay. You don't have to get an off the shelf person who knows exactly how to touch you in the way that feels good to you, especially if you both are interested in learning and decide to invest in solving this it is a really good indication that you are with a person who's interested in solving this challenge with you, right? Okay, but anyway, those are solutions. So for today, we're going to focus on the reasons that touch can feel off. And part of the reason I really want to focus on this with you is because if you are having this challenge for yourself, where you're experiencing touch that just feels wrong or not quite right, or if you're having if you're the partner of someone, where you can kind of tell that it's just not really working for them, and you don't know what's going on, I want you both to know that you're not crazy And there's nothing wrong with you. Even if this happens for you with someone you love, it doesn't make you a bad partner. If you don't love your partner's touch, it just means you're a human who has normal human senses for non verbal communication, and it's okay for you to take that seriously. Absolutely, in fact, it's really important for you to take that seriously. On the other side, if your partner is the one who feels that Your touch is off, I want you to also know that you can address this, and it doesn't mean anything bad about you either. Unless you are a person who doesn't care at all about your partner's experience and you just want to get yours, in which case you're on your own, please stop listening to my podcast. This is not for you. You're not my audience. My audience are people who actually do care about their partner's experience. And in my experience, that's the vast majority of people that I run into, clients who are inadvertently touching their partners in a way that feels off to their partners tend to have great intentions, but are often too up in their heads or anxious, or are not getting the information and or actually, sometimes, a lot of times, it's both are not getting the information they need from their partner on what to do you. And they just may not know how to do it. So they may be getting a don't do that, but really aren't understanding whatever their partner is telling them to do. So that can absolutely be fixed. A lot of times, you do need an extra person. You need a third party, because your partner already tried to communicate to you, and it's like, somehow there's a disconnect, right? And so we need you need help to make sure that you understand and we can kind of troubleshoot and figure out what it is that you need to be doing. And we need your partner to be under able to understand how to communicate effectively to you, because clearly what they're trying to tell you isn't working right. So if you don't understand it, that's not helping, right? So we're gonna dive in today, and we're gonna let whether whatever side of this issue you are on, you're going to see what the underlying issues tend to be, and why neither of you is bad or broken and why this situation is absolutely fixable. Okay, so here's the deal, when touch feels off or wrong to one party, even though they love you. Number one might be that the touch is just really unattuned. And there's two ways that tends to happen most often. So a the person is up in their head, sort of

6:13  
trying to touch in a way that's gonna feel good,

6:18  
but they're in this like trying energy, or they're just disconnected from their body. They're not really present in their own body. That does not feel good to us as other humans. It feels weird. It feels wrong. Okay, I know that sounds Woo, but it's not. This is just that humans have had millennia of evolution that was non verbal before we even developed language, and so body language just micro expressions, like there's things that let us know that somebody's really present with themselves and that feels comfortable and connecting to others. Okay, this is like actual science, not totally. I mean, I think there's a spiritual component, and I think it's totally okay for you to embrace that. I embrace it, but I want to let you know it's not all in the woo land. So if a person is up in their head, sort of in like thinking trying mode, trying to accomplish something with their touch, it does not feel super great to other people, and it tends to register in your body much more than in your head. All right? Another way that touch can be really unattuned Is that the person has their own agenda and is so focused on that that they're not attuning. They're not able to attune to you as a partner. And that can be for a couple reasons also. I mean, one, they could just be an entitled jerk or somebody with a personality disorder. And hey, it happens absolutely. But they could also just have insecurities that have fed into some idea that they need to be doing X, Y or Z, and they're trying to do it right. It kind of goes back to number one, right? Goes back to the person being up in their head. They're essentially treating you, kind of like a piece of Ikea furniture to be put together to borrow a great quote from a client. And so we're back again to that first scenario where they're up in their head trying or otherwise not really in their body, and that's because they're a jet but they also have an agenda, and that agenda is sort of a preconceived notion of what they're supposed to be doing, and it doesn't come from sort of being an entitled jerk or having a personality disorder where they just can't really have empathy for another person or connect in that way, right? It's just they're up in their head. All right. So that's number one, a touch might be just really unattuned, and that's what you're picking up on, and that's why your body's like that doesn't feel good, all right. Number two, the person may just not know how to touch you. Chances are they're trying to touch you the way that they like to be touched, and that may just not be right for you, because you are a different person. So maybe you've never really showed them what you like and don't like. You've never showed them the pressure, the pacing, the patterns, the texture, or, if you've showed them, you haven't really broken it down in a way that they could really internalize and understand and or what you like today is different than what you showed them last time, and they're still doing what they knew that you liked 20 years ago, and you're not communicating how That's changed. If any of this is the case, the person just doesn't know how to touch you in a way that you like. Chances are you've probably tolerated this not great touch for a while, and they've never learned any different. So here they are bumbling along, trying to do their best, and you've never really told them that this isn't working, and that you need something different. And so they're confused. You're confused like it's just, we need to stop, take a pause, and you need to stop pretending that you're in for it, pretending that you like it, or trying to convince yourself. Off that you like it, you need to stop and actually help them understand what you would like better, and I want to let you know that. FYI, so here's the thing for that conversation to go, well, you're going to really need to take responsibility for it being on you that you never told them any differently, and that will help it land a lot better when this person is just sort of discovering that the touch that they've been giving you is like, absolutely not what you want, right? And you're like, Okay, so I have realized that I haven't been good at communicating about the kind of touch I do like, and I haven't really given myself permission to take the time to do that, and I would like to do that so that we can have yummier experiences together, right? So the that's number two, the person just doesn't know how to touch you specifically the way you like. And that includes all those things, pressure pacing patterns, texture timing is the next one, though. So number three, the touch isn't happening at the right time. And this is, again, really about attunement, presence and boundaries, but it's a specific type of this. It's related to timing. And so, for example, if your partner is trying to touch you sensually whilst you are composing an email to your boss, or when you walk in the door from a rough day, they want, like, a super sexy hug. They want to be like, Oh, I missed you so much. And you're just sort of still just like, Oh my God, let me just put down my bag and, like, figure out where my feet are and, like, who I am. So those are a couple examples, but also another example that's really common, they're trying to touch your genitals before you've actually gotten aroused enough for your body to feel ready for that. That's again, about the touch is not happening at the right time. It's not that you necessarily wouldn't like your genitalia touched eventually, but you haven't gotten to the point of arousal where that actually your body is actually ready for it. And again, all of this, the timing stuff. It's all about communication, attunement, boundary, speaking and not people pleasing. So we have to start saying what we want and what we need, and we have to start validating our own body's experience so that to enable us to even do that, we have to say, oh, it's not it's off for me, and I can't force myself to find this touch wonderful. And here's the thing, news flash, you can't force your body to find touch wonderful if it doesn't. I think that's really good news. Some people take it as bad news, because their mind just wants to force everything on their body. But I think once you realize that it's that's not going to work. It's just not doesn't work. It's really quite liberating, because now you start to decide that, oh, maybe I need to have a partnership with my body. Maybe I need to listen to this body of mine, this lovely, soft animal that you've been given, and try to figure out what she, he or they actually wants. And that's a gift. That's a wonderful part of life when you get to reclaim your relationship with your body. So take it as an invitation that you can't really just override with your mind. All right, another reason that touch can feel off. Number four, you may be picking up unspoken needs or desires or discrepancies between what someone says and what they actually feel. So you're picking up something from the other person that they are not talking about. You're picking up something unspoken. This is very normal. It is not weird or unusual, especially for close partners, to discern non verbals. Remember that most of human evolution was pre language. We have an incredible perception for body language, expression and tone. However, because of the way we're socialized, we often don't validate those understandings in our body and our mind tries to override it. Remember, we've all been told to, you know, as soon as we start going to school, sit down, be quiet, pay attention, right? Like, start disconnecting. You can only go to the bathroom when you raise your hand and ask permission, right? Like, you can only eat lunch at this certain time. You can only play in the playground when we have recess. We've all been trained to start dissociating from our body signals and start actually thinking that we need to suppress them, and that we need to only listen to our mind. We are trained in that from a very early age. So that doesn't mean that your innate perception of non verbals goes away. It just means you stop trusting it so you can maybe you are. There is definitely time in every single relationship, if not every single day, where you were picking up something from another person that they haven't said you are picking it up in your body, it may or may not be somewhat conscious, it might be subconscious, but it's going to give you this feeling of something being off. So if there's a discrepancy between. What somebody says and what they actually feel, we can often discern it unless they fully believe it themselves, okay, and then we can't usually tell the difference. That's why narcissists are so good at lying, because they like believe all their shit. But that's another topic. I totally digress

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back to this topic. If you are picking up unspoken needs, desires or discrepancies, it's going to communicate itself as off to you in your body, right? However, I want to caution you that this gets really complicated, because we ourselves as the receiver of that offness, are often projecting our own interpretations into what it means that the thing is off. So it can be both people contributing, and it can escalate really quickly into really problematic disconnections, arguments blow ups when childhood attachment wounds get triggered, because that's what we're scanning for. So we as the receiver, if we feel something's off, remember your subconscious is like scanning for childhood attachment patterns to be repeated, and it's automatically going to interpret everything in the worst possible way. So I'm going to give you an example. So say someone is, say your partner, partner, a is nervous or feeling insecure and is holding back. Let's say they want they say they're here and they're present and they're ready for connection, or they're kind of indicating that with their wanting some touch or wanting to play. But really they are in their heads with anxiety their partner, partner B, feels the discordance. It feels off, and they're right about that part. But at the same time, let's say Partner B has a family history of people not attuning to them and not feeling they matter. So now they're interpreting the withdrawal and dis like the sort of not being present. That's what I mean by withdrawal, the sort of lack of presence and the discordance, not just as something's off, but as the person my partner is holding back connection and not wanting to be with me, or that I don't matter enough for them to truly pay attention and be present. And so that Partner B is wrong about that. They're not That's not why there's a discordance. The person is actually just insecure and nervous and is like up in their head with anxiety, and they're the other partners interpreting it. Okay, something's off, but now they're interpreting it based on their childhood wounds, right? As not mattering enough for my partner to truly pay attention, and they are wrong about that. But oftentimes there's an accusation, right? Oh, you're not paying attention. You're not present with me. And then that accusation tells the insecure and anxious partner, partner A that they're doing something wrong, and now they shut down even more. And you can see how this can go off the rails really fast. This is a classic recipe for disconnection. It feels horrible to everyone, and what's going on can seem kind of complex on one hand, but it's also fairly simple in another light. And look, you can go to therapy for years to unpack the whys there and what the childhood wounds are and what caused them, and blahdy blah. That's absolutely okay. I think if you have curiosity about that kind of stuff, go for it. But what this couple really needs in the present and for their future are the house. And there's a few How's there's three big house that they need, and it doesn't take years and years to get there. So number one, how to be present. The person A needs to understand how to be present. Chances are Person B does too. But how to be present, even if you tend to feel nervous or insecure sometimes, and actually being really present with yourself first, and grounded in yourself and accepting of yourself will actually help with the nervousness and the insecurity directly and feel good to you at the same time, it opens up the possibility for real connection with another person, which can then further soothe that insecurity. So instead of the partner withdrawing because they feel their childhood wounds are all triggered by your being up in your head right now, you're present. You already feel better for yourself, but now your partner is actually like, ooh, great. You're here and ready to connect with me, and that feels even more good, and soothes that insecurity further. This can be learned, attuning to yourself, grounding all that stuff can be learned, and everyone has the capacity, because we're actually born with it. You just kind of unlearn it as a kid, right? And it becomes less instinctive. So in my practice, we go through how to do that. It feels great to everyone. It's a much more like present feeling I feel like safe and secure in myself, and then I'm ready to attune to someone else, all right? So that skill that returned. Your innate skill is a foundation of this, right? And it's just a foundation of all human, real, juicy, authentic connection. That's not just like us trying up in our heads to connect, all right? That's one how next. So second, how Partner B needs to get the experience of their partner's presence, and they will get to feel, Oh, that's what was this feels good, and that's why I didn't feel good before. And it kind of validates their interpretation that something that something being off, was correct, so that they're not they realize they're not wholly wrong about the situation, but it also shows them what was missing, and that it's not that they were being unimportant or rejected or not important enough to attune to it's just that their partner didn't understand the how. So that's that's number three, Partner B also gets to then actually feel that their partner does care enough about them to be present, they just didn't know how. So that means that they get to not have to repeat that family story anymore. They get to leave it in the past and in the present moment, they get a much more reparative experience that feels like, Oh, I am important enough to this person to be present, and in fact, I'm so important they're learning how to do it when they just didn't even know how to do it before. So I just went through how to do all this in my office with a couple who worked with me remotely, but they came up for an intensive in person session. And, you know, it was just so life changing, right? This is there was some energetic mismatches. And by energetic, I mean, like all the non verbal stuff, and it was feeling bad, and one person's trying to override that, and the other person's feeling like, I can't do anything right, and I don't know how to touch them right, right? So we just sorted all that stuff out. Great. They get to move forward. They get to move forward with this new skill they have to practice. But it's fun practice, and it feels good, and it feels worlds better than before that session. So I just want to say some of these things can be really profound changes fairly quickly, and they can feel good along the way. And for me, when I'm thinking about trying to make some changes, boy, that's really gives me a lot of hope, right? And it has really felt good to me when I've made these changes in my life and how I connect with people. So if you are someone or you're partnered with someone, where touch sometimes just feels wrong or off, even though you have a lot of love between you, these are the few of the reasons why, and I hope some hope for the fact that it's absolutely fixable, but also that you don't need to tell yourself that you're crazy. You can appreciate and honor some of your body's responses, but try to as much as possible not project your interpretation on your partner. If something feels off, get curious about why it might be off for you and for them, without imagining that they're doing something nefarious or malicious, or recreating the way that your parents treated you or whatever, right? So let's get curious about it and see if we can build some connection assuming that the person has really good intentions and that it's

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okay for you to feel the way you feel about the touch, right? That's absolutely okay. So we don't want to override the body. We want to just get curious and honor what the body needs. All right, dears, I will see you here next week. Want to come to Hawaii with me. If you are a woman or you know any, send them right to my homepage, https://Laurajurgens.com -- the Maui retreat info is there and it is open for Early Bird registration. Don't miss it, and I get to see you in Hawaii.