Should I Tell My Partner What Turns Me OFF?

We're going to get really nitty-gritty here today and give you the full details on why, when and how to tell your partner what turns you off. I'll also give you the important exceptions -- that is, when NOT to frame something as a turn-off. Plus you'll get a step-by-step guide on how to have these conversations -- and my Golden Rule for how to make them WAY less hard.  

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Transcript

0:00  
Welcome to Sex help for smart people. I'm Dr Laura Jurgens. I'm here to help you have better sex, intimacy and relationships. So let's get at it.

0:09  
Hey everyone. Welcome to Episode 83

0:13  
we are talking today about whether we should tell our partners what turns us off, specifically about them or what they're doing, and I have a very specific guidelines for you on this, because I think it's pretty nuanced. There's kind of some general rules. They're not super hard, but I think there's a lot of cases in which the answer is yes, definitely tell your partner what turns you off, even if it's about what they are doing or them, except there are some really big caveats. So we are going to talk about that and break it all down today and give you the guidance that you need in order to talk about turn offs with your partner. Okay, I also like, I'm flying a little high today because I have just received so much beautiful, joyful appreciation from my clients today that I'm just feeling really topped off with joy, and I'm so happy for them. I just did a check in at session 10 in a package with some clients, and we went over the goals that they set out initially and their level of fulfillment around those goals. That we do in the beginning, I ask everybody to do that, to rate their fulfillment around their goals, and then we check in on it later, when we get towards the end of any given package and see where they're at, so that we can really celebrate where they've come and really bookmark some places that we want to keep working, or fine tuning if they have any of those. And it was just amazing. Like every time I do this, people are just lit up, and then they remember, oh my god, I was only a two out of 10 on that, and now I feel like an eight or a nine, you know. And usually people have about four to five specific goals, and they've made substantial progress in each one. And this is all self reported based, and a lot of times they don't even remember exactly where they were at and like, you were a two on that, and then they reflect on it, they're like, Yeah, God, that was dark. I was in a dark space. So it's just this really joyful celebration. I also received an email from a client who just graduated, who said she worked with me for about six months, and she said, Thank you so much. This has been such an empowering and positive experience. I credit your genuine care in enabling me to believe I could make these changes happen,

2:48  
and I can't wait to stay in touch. And that was her email to me today, and it was just really wonderful, because I'm so proud of her. I had another client this morning say, I can't believe I've only been working with you for 14 weeks. And he said, This is going to sound kind of crazy and overblown, but I seriously you have changed my life. And I know, I know, I know that our work together has and the thing is, he has changed his life. He has changed his life by deciding to show up and to believe that it was possible to make changes for him, and to show up every week and play with me and talk to me and release the shame and the lack of hope and the powerlessness that he had about his goals and he has changed His life. I have just been the supporter and helper and guider on that process, but he's done all the hard work, and I am really, really thrilled for him that he is in such a great place right now. So I am just extra happy today about all of this, and I wanted to share that with you, because I think it's just really powerful to hear from people who are making changes in their life, because when, especially when we've been stuck, or we've been feeling like we are in avoidance, or we're feeling hopeless and or powerless, it can be really important to see other people making the getting the returns on their investments right, getting the returns on their investment in themselves and the change they want to see. I can it can feel all of a sudden like, oh, maybe that's possible for me. And I want all of you to feel like it's 100% possible for you, because in almost every situation, it is absolutely possible for you to feel better in some way, shape or form, and for you to solve a lot of the problems that are feeling so painful for you. And so I want you to feel like that's possible with these words from my clients. So I hope that feels like it brings you a little extra hope. So what we're doing today is we're going to talk about telling your partner about what turns you off. And this comes up a.

5:00  
Lot

5:01  
my practice, because a lot of times, people are tolerating a lot of things that really give them the icks. And it's not helpful for your relationship or your partner or your sexual connection to just keep tolerating stuff that gives you the icks. It's just not so in many cases, a lot of cases, it is a good idea to tell your partner what turns you off. However, it doesn't mean be a dick about it, and it doesn't mean do it willy nilly. And so we're going to talk about how to avoid being a dick about it, and how not to do it willy nilly, and actually, how to have that conversation in a way that isn't going to feel like you have to be perfect at it, because that just puts too much pressure on you and makes you want to avoid it even more. So we're going to make it realistic and not a huge heavy lift for you to have this conversation? Yes, you might have to be a little bit uncomfortable, but it is a gift to your partner to be clear.

6:10  
Okay, second point though that's really important is that there are some exceptions in it's not every single case that you should tell your partner what turns you off? There are some things that, for people are very hard or impossible to change. And those are some examples of things where I would say those are exceptions. So things like body type, like my partner's too thin. They got really skinny, and I'm not into it or except, and I'm going to give you some exceptions for these things too.

6:46  
Maybe their genitals changed due to an accident, aging, cancer, pregnancy that has affected your interest in playing with those genitals, or something very normal process like aging, and all of a sudden you are not getting the same esthetic preferences met. You're not getting your esthetic preferences met that you were 30 years ago. So in some of these situations where it's something that is very hard or impossible for this person to change, I want to give you some real cautions about going forward with talking about it as as a turn off. It doesn't mean you can't talk about it with them, but talking about it from the perspective of, hey, this just turns me off that you're older, or that your labia have gotten stretched, or that you got really skinny, like we want to be really careful about how we talk about it and not talking about it as a turn off, unless this thing that is very hard or impossible to change is a deal breaker that you are using to leave them and it might be then necessary to tell them, Okay. So some examples for when it is a deal breaker and it's necessary to tell them because you are leaving are something like, You realized you're gay and you don't want to have sex with your heterosexual partner anymore. That is a really good time. They can't change or they're not inclined to change their gender for you, so you kind of need to tell them that that's the deal breaker, and you are leaving because of that if you don't want to have a sexual relationship with them anymore. Now, some people come out as gay and stay in their relationship, whether that means that they continue having sex with a person or don't have sex with a person, but at some point, you need to tell them that you how you want to play that, how you want to change that sexual relationship, right? And you need to tell them about the change in attraction related to their gender. Similarly, change in attraction related to gender is something that somebody can't change. But for someone who's transitioning, for example, if you are a lesbian and your partner is transitioning to male, then if you are a person who feels like you really can't be in a relationship with a male identifying person, it is very reasonable to be completely honest about that. That is okay. It doesn't make you a horrible person. It doesn't make you a bad queer. It's just that that's not your identity. And you might want to support them and be connected to them still, but you may or may not want to continue being in a romantic or sexual partnership with them. That makes sense to tell them about how that's going to affect your attraction, right? These are not the only reasons that you may choose to leave based on an attraction deficit there, but they are just some common ones. If the thing that is really a problem for you is a deal breaker and you need chances are you are doing your partner a more.

10:00  
Much bigger favor by telling them that it's a deal breaker so that they can find someone who is into them as they are. In that case, yes, you should probably come clean about the thing, whatever it is, not working for you, but not meaning anything bad about them or their attractiveness to other people, right? But there are a few situations where, if it's particularly if it's not a deal breaker, and you are not planning on leaving, but it is something that is almost impossible or very hard to change. So aging is a really great example. Okay, so in that case, the kind thing to do, instead of talking about it to them as a turn off, is for you to really take some time to decide if this thing hits your brakes so hard that it puts you in the realm of disgust and you can't get turned on, because it's not really Fair to stay trying to have to pretend that you're turned on with someone when you are actually feeling disgusted that they can read that energy that's going to feel really bad to people. Don't lie to yourself and imagine that they can't tell that there's something wrong, right? But if that's happening for you, and you don't want it to be a deal breaker. You want to stay in a relationship, a sexual relationship with them. You want to keep having that romantic and sexual connection. Then it's your job to do the mindset work, to basically figure out how to not let it hit your breaks so hard. So for example, you find yourself like this doesn't mean anything bad about you. It just means that you have some work to do in your head to help you kind of make a transition out of some old thought habits. But if you, I mean, if you decide to double down on it, it can, you know, it's not necessarily the greatest thing, but So, for example, let's say you just notice that you just really want to fuck 30 year olds, and you and your partner are both in your 60s, and you have decided that you're not leaving to pursue people half your age. But in that case, if you are feeling disgusted or really turned off by your partner's aging body, then you it's on you to do the mindset work, and in no way should you make that your partner's problem, right? So that's just one of the exceptions where I don't think that it's a good idea to talk about your turn offs with your partner until you've cleaned up your own mindset, right? When it's something that's like, impossible or very, very hard for them to change, or like, is about their identity, then first, do the mindset work and reach out for help with a coach like me or someone else to help you. Do that if you need it, chances are you're going to need some help. All right, if you can do that work to shift your own mindset and find enough sort of gas pedals or turn ons to overcome whatever that problem is so for example, a lot of times getting your core desires or your emotional needs met for arousal can often override esthetic preferences, like you just prefer broader shoulders or something, but remembering that you signed up to have whatever it is that they had, unless it's A recent change, and really taking the onus on yourself to do the work to get there is a good idea. Okay, so that's the big exceptions. But let's go back to the sort of general Yes, case where it is a good idea to tell your partner what turns you off. And this is, I think most situations. It is care. You know, it's important to do it carefully to some extent, so that you are not and I'll tell you kind of how. What I mean by carefully, it doesn't mean you need to tiptoe, doesn't mean you need to, like, tiptoe around it. It just means you need to prepare yourself in certain ways. But I think in many cases, you absolutely should tell your partner if something is turning you off, and I don't use the word should very often, really try to avoid shoulds. But I guess what I mean by this one is you don't have to. It's not doesn't make you a bad person. And I don't mean that with the should. It's more that if you want a cleaner relationship, a better connection and not to have to carry this burden of being having your brakes hit all the time when you're trying to be intimate with your partner, if you want to feel more turned on by them and less turned off by them, then it's a really good idea to tell your partner If something is turning you off. Right? Okay, so here's some kind of general categories of things that people often don't tell their partner are turning them off and they're kind of shooting themselves in the foot by that one is bad breath. That is a really common one people will not tell their partner about.

15:00  
Out and please, for the love of God, just tell your partner about it. You do need to do it. I will give you some guidelines on how to do it more gracefully. But it is a really good idea, problematic behaviors. That is another one, behaviors that really turn you off or that cause you discomfort or pain. That is also really important to talk to your partner about jokes that give you the icks. Oh my gosh. Tell them about that. If they are making things like jokes that are creeping you out or offending you, it's actually really important to tell your partner that that's turning you off. So there these are just some examples. You know, they could have other hygiene issues. They could have. Frequently have boogers hanging out of their nose. Whatever it is, please tell them

15:47  
if they are doing something that truly hurts you, emotionally or physically or just causes, like a lot of discomfort. So for example, when you tease me about something I'm sensitive about that's not going to turn me on, and I'm gonna tell you, when you tickle someone who told you that they really don't like tickling,

16:08  
good example of something that can really be hitting somebody's brakes and they're just like gritting their teeth and burying it. Bad idea. An example might be, you know, you finger someone before they're ready, or you're and you're not asking if they're ready, or you, you know, frequently, aren't paying attention and elbow them in the balls or something while you're having sex. Like those things are causing pain and they're making you shut down. Or you're sort of, like hounding someone to do things the way that you do them, or that like things the way that you like them. You know that is generally a turn off, also dropping someone in sex before they have actually become fulfilled. So this is really frequent for women, and we often will not say anything. And there's legions, especially, of male partners out there in the world. There's legions of male partners out there in the world who the women they've dated, have never told them that they were disappointed and not satisfied and are they don't know that they can't just, like, roll over and go to sleep when they come and expect that that's going to work out well for their partner. Instead, their partner just sort of broke up with them or made some other excuse, never told them. And these guys have not figured this out on their own. They're not likely to, unless someone tells them that it's a real turn off if you sort of drop me when I'm aroused and you just had an orgasm and now you're done. Okay? That is a really common one that people just let slide, and please don't do that. Okay?

17:41  
Behave another one behaviors that are actually really problematic for you, and not just because you have an unrealistic expectation that everybody follows your manual of behavior. So for example, if you are like, if the person is, you know, I don't know, using your toothbrush and that really bothers you. Tell them that that bothers you, and that turns you off and gives you the ick. Okay, if you actually just are really pissed off that this person doesn't color coordinate their closet the same way that you do, that's your own problem. That's

18:21  
your arbitrary manual for how people should behave, and you need to take some ownership. And sometimes it can be hard to figure out the difference. So this is another area where a coach can help you take responsibility for what you need to take responsibility for, and separate out what are reasonable requests from a partner, because sometimes they feel the same. You know, if you have always been trained to load the dishwasher a certain way, and your partner doesn't do it, it can actually really piss you off. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they are fundamentally wrong, right? So if those things are hitting your brakes, though, it's really worth having a conversation with your partner to at least let them know. That's why you don't want to have sex with them, because of the way they don't load the dishwasher, right, right? And even if it means you have to have an argument, try to go, go back to my conflict avoidance podcast and listen to that one for how to have an argument. But and also reach out for coaching, because I can absolutely help with that kind of stuff, and so can there's, I mean, there's definitely other people out there who can help you with that too. I would say I'm pretty darn good at it. So another category that I mentioned are, like, the jokes or innuendo that feel gross, creepy or offensive. I want to underscore, please tell your partner if they are doing that, if sometimes people are afraid of initiating sex, and so they make a joke, and they think that that was an initiation, and it wasn't, and it landed really badly for you. If that's happening, this is not uncommon. If that's happening, it's very helpful to actually tell your partner, I don't.

20:00  
Like that, and at least like I don't know what you mean by this. You may not even realize that they're trying to initiate so it may not even be realistic for you to tell them it's not working for you, because it may not even register as an initiation effort for you. But if it registers as something kind of creepy or it's just not appealing, it's worth it to talk about it.

20:20  
Okay, so all these things have in common that they are changeable. People can change these things. Now look, if they are sick and that's why they have bad breath, then maybe there's a period of time in which they can't change it, and you're just gonna have to be like, Honey, I love you. I can't wait to have sex with you on the other side of this illness, but right now, the breath from the illness is really turning me out. I can't, right, that is okay, but from and that's not totally changeable, right? If it's a temporary illness kind of thing, but for most of these things, they are behaviors or hygiene issues, something that the person does have control over, it is kind to them, to tell them that this is a turn off for you. Just want to do it kindly. And here's how not to be a dick about it, all right,

21:17  
not being a dick number one, pick your time. Don't just blurt it when it gets to a point of like, extreme frustration. This is why people get really bad responses, and they're like, oh my gosh, I can't talk to my partner about anything. Every time I give them feedback, they get so defensive. And it's like, well,

21:38  
there might be a situation here where you're only giving feedback when you're really frustrated, and of course, they're going to get defensive because they're reacting to the frustration. And so pick your time and prepare yourself so that you are not coming from anger when you bring it up.

21:58  
And so that is the

22:00  
sort of cardinal rule of how not to be a dick

22:04  
is in and this is in lieu don't worry about preparing the exact words to try to force the person into the response you want. That is will make you crazy and will generally not work. But the cardinal rule is to prepare your own emotional state so that you are in love for them. You are feeling care and compassion for that person. You are feeling calm and you are feeling open hearted and loving towards them when you are in that space, you are able to acknowledge that they may have a hard time taking it in whatever it is. You are open to it being hard for them. And when you are in the place of love for the person, care and compassion, it will come out fine. It will come out fine without you having to pre wordsmith everything. If you are in a space where you have prepared yourself that when you sit down to have this conversation with this person, you are feeling loving and open to them and a lot of care for them, and you are not at all stuck in blame, shame, anxiety, defensiveness or resentment, the words that come out of your face will be good and they will be honest and loving and caring,

23:31  
if you instead, get all wrapped up in your own anxiety about the whole thing, are only focused on trying to make sure the person reacts the way you want them to. You are all tense, and you are trying instead to, like, find the perfect words. It will not work out very well. I can promise. I've tried that way a bunch of times, and it's always gone badly, and that's what happens, because we're humans, and non verbals really matter. So if you were coming from love, it will work, and also you the words will make sense, and they will be in alignment with the way you are feeling, and the person will feel your care, and it will not feel like something they need to be defensive about. Okay, that's the most important part. Other ways to not be a dick. Here are one thing that might help you even just get it out cleanly, is to acknowledge that there's awkwardness and you're afraid of hurting them. So you might start out the conversation like, Hey, I love you. I really value you. Or if you've just started dating this person, it's a really good time to have these conversations about what turns you off, and you might just say, I really enjoy our time together. I am going to say something that's awkward here. It's hard for me, and I'm a little afraid of hurting your feelings, but I want you to know that I want to be close to you, and that's why I'm telling you. I'm giving giving you some information about me, and so that's what we want to do, is we want.

25:00  
To emphasize the desire to be close to the person. So start with your desire to be close that helps them take in, okay, this person actually wants to be sexual with me. Wants to be close with me, wants to be romantically involved, whatever it is. And then I want to invite you to use for me, like the literal words. Use the words for me in your language, because that reminds them this is not and that reminds you too, it's not an issue for everyone. There's tons of people in the world who would not be turned off by whatever it is that this thing is that turns you off, right? So it's not so personal that everyone in the world would be turned off by them. So I would say something like for me,

25:47  
this thing is just not really working for me, or not helping me get turned on. Here's what works better, and that's the other thing, is try to offer something positive that does turn you on, either about them, or something that they can do, or something that they already do, that you like or you'd like more of, right? So those are the big things. The one thing is to be in care and compassion for the person. Above all, to not just blurt it out when you're frustrated, acknowledge any awkwardness or fear of hurting them that you have, emphasize the desire to be close and use for me, language and then offer something positive. Okay, those are the guidelines. In general. Hiding your turn offs is not a great idea. If it's something that can be changed. If you think about it, it really only creates distance that the other person doesn't understand but tends to feel. It tends to make people actually feel more rejected because they don't understand it. So they feel like and interpret your distance as if it's a rejection of them as a person, instead of just a thing that they can change. Most of us would rather know what that thing is. So for example, if I make some sort of like, awkward sexual joke on the regular, you know, our trivia pub night with our friends or something, and it just, like, totally turns you off, and you just get all like, weird about it, but don't tell me, then I'm not I'm gonna make up a story about why you're being weird and distant and why you don't want to have sex with me. I would much rather know that it was my weird sexual innuendo joke, and that is something I can control, and it doesn't feel like it's me as a person that is turning you off, right? So don't take away that knowing from your partner and pretend it's to protect them, or that it's to be, quote, unquote nice to them. It's actually not nice to them. It's to protect you from feeling uncomfortable bringing it up. So you got to be brave and give them the gift of knowing what it is that they can do to not hit your brakes, and we do it kindly and from love, and then it's really hard to go wrong if you do it from love, but please don't do it until you can have that conversation from love. If you are so activated by it and so upset by it, you need to spend some time calming down, trying to think of all the reasons why you care about this person and all the reasons that they may not intentionally be trying to hurt you with this behavior or this thing, so that you can actually have a conversation from love. Okay, that is my little guide to whether and how to tell partners about your turn offs, including when it's something that they are doing. So I hope that was helpful, and I really appreciate you being here. I'll see you here next week.

28:51  
Want to come to Hawaii with me. If you are a woman or you know any, send them right to my homepage. www.Laurajurgens.com the Maui retreat info is there, and it is open for Early Bird registration. Don't miss it, and I get to see you in Hawaii.