Desire Killers & What To Do Instead: Pouting When You Don't Get Sex

Tired of the cycle where you don't get sex, so you sulk, which makes your partner want sex even less? You're not alone – and you're definitely not getting the results you want.

In this episode, we break down why pouting, withdrawal, and passive aggression after sexual rejection literally kills desire and pushes your partner further away. If you're the higher-libido partner feeling frustrated and acting out, or the lower-libido partner dealing with sulking and guilt trips, this episode is for you.

You'll learn exactly why these behaviors backfire so spectacularly, what to do instead when you feel rejected or frustrated, and how both partners can break this desire-killing cycle. No shame, no blame – just practical tools to stop making things worse and start building the connection you actually want.

Perfect for couples dealing with mismatched libidos, desire discrepancies, or anyone who wants better communication around sex and intimacy.

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Transcript

0:01  
Laura, welcome to the desire gap podcast. I'm your host, Dr Laura Jurgens, and whether you want more sex than your partner or less, you are not wrong, and your relationship isn't doomed. You just need better tools to solve the struggles of mismatched libidos. That's what we do here. So welcome and let's dive in. Welcome everyone today to Episode 88

0:27  
I am really glad you're here. We are going to talk about desire killers and what to do instead, specifically pouting when you don't get sex, and all things related to

0:41  
that. So AKA, this is the how to stop making things worse series and what to do instead. And we're gonna talk about pouting, but let's be real that it can get a lot worse than that too and turn into sort of general passive aggression, withdrawal, sulking. We're gonna talk about all of that, how these things kill desire, and what to do instead, and how to get out of this trap. If you are in it, and look, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. You are probably just stuck and confused and you are sort of accidentally fallen into this trap of reacting this way and it is not helping you. Is not helping you get what you want. So we're going to talk today about how to actually get what you want more, and sort of why this is a problem, and you know what to do about it. So this is going to be a little series that I'm putting together for you on desire killers and what to do instead. There's going to be another series on sort of, you know, great things, solutions to work towards. And my general, you know, content about all things related to arousal, desire and fixing desire gaps.

1:58  
This one today is a really big one. I see it a lot in otherwise very functional, well meaning people.

2:06  
It is inadvertent, typically, usually inadvertent emotional coercion. And I'm talking about all these things related to passive aggression. So emotional withdrawal, sulking or pouting, silent treatments, coldness,

2:23  
most people don't intend to do it, but that doesn't mean they aren't doing it, and I see it, especially a lot with the higher libido partners who have not let themselves own the pain that they are in, and so They are externalizing it in this way that is really shooting themselves in the foot. It's not because they're bad people or intending to coerce and manipulate, but it's important to know this is not a turn on and it's really worsening the desire gap with their partner. So if you are in this situation, either you are the high libido partner or the low libido partner, or if you're not currently in a desire gap situation,

3:08  
you might be experiencing this in other relationships in your life, or for other topics. And it's really useful, whatever your situation is,

3:20  
to think about these behaviors, because they are easy to fall into and they are really problematic. It can also be hard to pinpoint what's wrong when this is happening, because it's often more subtle than other types of emotional coercion or coercive control, and the passive aggressive behaviors can kind of creep in with otherwise very functional people and leave the receiving partner kind of questioning their own perceptions and feelings and even sanity, or feeling like they're overreacting. But the thing is, you're not overreacting. This is actually a really big problem in a relationship, so if this is happening, all kinds of passive aggression, eye rolling, silent treatments, emotional coldness, all of that sulking, pouting. These are actually really big problems. They're problematic behaviors in relationships. They undermine relationships. It's absolutely not always the higher libido partner doing it either, but it is really common for higher libido partners to fall back on these kind of tactics when they feel rejected or like they're not getting what they want and they don't know what else to do. So I am here to help you today know what to do that works way better, and know why you don't want to get tempted by this tactic.

4:40  
It doesn't passive aggression doesn't just undermine your connection. It actually tends to give partners the big ick, like a huge Ick. So we're gonna unpack it today and help you know what to do better. So here's the thing, if it's you who's doing this, I want to.

5:00  
Really help you own it, because that is the first step in getting out of it. It is not helping you, and I want to help you out of this hole you're digging for yourself because it's actually making your situation worse. But I also don't want you to feel ashamed about it, even though it's not the best look to admit that you're passive aggressive. Sometimes, almost all of us have been passive aggressive sometimes right now. Look, maybe this got ingrained early on in life, or maybe it just like pops up occasionally when you get really confused about what to do, you probably know that you want to stop for even just your own sake and your own self respect, but also just for the general connection in your relationship, let alone your sexual connection.

5:45  
But there's a lot of good people who sort of accidentally fall into this pattern because they just don't know what to do and wind up in behaviors they're not proud of.

5:55  
Most people who are doing it because you're not very proud of it, are often in denial about it. This is really, really common. So if you're like, well, that's not me. I never do that. Just take a moment. Just take a moment. I invite you to admit that you're a human being. It's okay. I have done passive aggressive behaviors too.

6:17  
It doesn't make me a horrible person, but I do know that they don't get me what I want, and also they don't really make me feel very good about myself. So I have learned to own up to it and to work really hard to stop and I want to invite you to do that as well. But you do not have to feel like a horror. You're not a horrible person. It's just not helping

6:42  
if you stay in denial about it, though,

6:46  
because it's, you know, something that's hard to admit. Oftentimes, what happens is people wind up kind of doubling down on it, and it gets worse. So also, for those of you who might be experiencing your partner doing this. Tip number one is that shaming them about it is not going to help. It will tend to make them double down on it. So

7:08  
if you are in pain and trying not to be, and this is your responsive choice, or if you are noticing somebody is doing this, it's probably because they are in pain and they're trying not to be really important that we approach it with a lot of compassion, either for ourselves or for others, and it helps them know that it's not helping them. Right? Help you know that it's not helping you if you're the one who's doing it. And the best reason of all, look passive aggression, sulking, withdrawal, they are just not sexy. They will not get you more of what you want. They will not get you more sex. So let's talk about it. The problem with these behaviors so sulking, withdrawal, refusal to communicate. They're, unfortunately, really common ways, and especially, as I said, not always the higher libido partner, but really commonly, the higher libido partner may respond when they don't have a lot of communication skills and emotional awareness and they run into the pain of feeling rejected or not getting what they want.

8:17  
Unfortunately, these behaviors they one, they increase and deepen your conflict with your partner. And number two, they tend to make you come across as a pouty kid. And no one wants to have sex with a pouty kid.

8:32  
It is especially common with people who avoid talking about their sexual and emotional needs. So instead, what I often see happening is the person will suppress their needs for a while in an effort to try not to, like, put any pressure on their partner. Oftentimes, they're suppressing their needs out of care. It's not a great idea, but their intention is good. So they're suppressing their needs for a while, and then when they just can't suppress them anymore, it kind of comes out as passive aggression.

9:06  
None of that is helping, but it's understandable how you kind of fall into that trap, right? Like we can see that there's, like, sort of initially, these good intentions, but at the end of the day, pouting, sulking, all this stuff. It is actually a manipulation tactic to punish the other person and get them to try to comply with your wishes without actually having an adult conversation about them. And while the person, or, you know, maybe you've tried to have that conversation, your partner was avoidant, and now you've resorted to this instead of trying again, still not going to help, still not going to work. Okay,

9:48  
so

9:50  
the person who's doing this is often acting out of either feelings of rejection, anger or resentment, and those are all valid feelings. I.

10:00  
So this does not mean the behavior is very different from the emotions underneath it. The behavior is a problem, but the emotions underneath it are not a problem. It's okay to have negative emotions like anger, resentment and feeling rejected. That is understandable,

10:19  
but what we need to do is take responsibility for those emotions and express them vulnerably. Sorry, tough news, I know, but expressing them vulnerably and in an adult way through a clear conversation saying, Hey, I'm really feeling rejected here, and I'd like to have a conversation with you. I would like to understand where you're coming from, and we'll talk a little bit more about how to do this. But instead of having that adult conversation, we're acting those feelings out in a manipulative or childish way.

10:53  
And you know, it maybe was like, kind of cute at four. I don't know. I still don't, I don't actually, to be honest, I've seen a lot of kids sulking and pouting, and I never thought it was cute, but some people do.

11:07  
But ultimately, as an adult, definitely not cute, definitely not attractive.

11:13  
And the unconscious goal, and the key is that it's unconscious usually, is to manipulate or punish their partner into compliance.

11:22  
And we gotta own that when that's what we're doing. Unfortunately,

11:27  
it doesn't mean that you're consciously trying to punish your partner or coerce them into compliance, but there is an unconscious effort to do that typically, and that's what because when that's what we're doing, when we use passive aggression and coldness or withdrawal or sulking, and it creates, unfortunately. What happens is it creates a cycle of fear and shame and obligation for the receiving partner, because this unspoken conversation is that if I want to avoid your emotional punishment, I have to do what you want, right? And there's this threat of disconnection. That's where the fear comes in. There's a threat of disconnection or some sort of that, that sort of like, I'm not going to engage with you. I'm not going to love you and be connected with you and communicate with you openly, unless you do what I want.

12:25  
So unfortunately, I mean, or fortunately, it is very ineffective. It does not work. It literally always backfires in some way, shape or form, and usually way worse than the initial problem, the initial disconnection. So even if you get obligation sex from your partner, out of it, you have created a very non sexy relationship dynamic that will undermine your partner's long term interest in sex. So even remember, this is really important, even if you get obligation sex out of your pouting,

13:06  
you have set up a situation in which your partner's libido is lower in the future because of how that sex that you got, that obligation sex came about, and because of the fact that they felt like they had to have obligation sex with you, so you have worsened the situation for the future.

13:26  
Okay? So I'm gonna break down the six reasons why passive aggression, sulking, pouting, all that stuff is such a desire killer. Okay? One, it undermines trust. So creates this like confusing, emotionally unsafe environment. It kind of, over time, erodes the foundation of, hey, I can trust you to tell me what's going on with you. I can trust you to communicate with me and not try to, like, manipulate me, right?

13:55  
Two, it creates emotional distance. So when you use sulking to punish or coerce someone, the underlying issues are never addressed, right? So there's this unspoken tension that creates wedges in relationships, and it diminishes emotional closeness, and your partner may eventually just withdraw their affection or minimize contact with you because they don't want to encounter this sort of punishing behavior.

14:25  
It also breeds resentment. So instead of resolving the problem, the passive aggression, like sulking, allows the feelings to fester and intensify on both sides, so your anger remains unresolved, but your partner also now grows resentful of the manipulative behavior and the burden of kind of navigating all of that. So now you both are resentful, and it grows. Number four, it isolates you. So people tend to avoid other people who use these kinds of manipulative tactics. And it becomes.

15:00  
Becomes less effective, right? Because you're not going to be able to coerce somebody, if this is kind of your go to they just get freaking tired of it, and they just disengage. So now all of a sudden, you're isolated also, and they may even drop you. That's not uncommon, and it's not unreasonable. Number five,

15:19  
it can be interpreted as abusive, and it is abusive if it is pervasive and goes on for long enough so it it's a pretty potent form of emotional punishment and coercion, and it can be really damaging in relationships. It can cause a lot of harm for people and create a lot of fear in relationships. So this is emotional abusive tactic. That's not saying you are an abuser if you have occasionally been a little passive aggressive. That is not what I'm saying, but people who use it pervasively, regularly and over a long period of time, that is definitely part of the definition of emotional abuse. So you don't want it to, like, fall into the slippery slope where it starts being your go to because you don't want to be that

16:05  
person. Number six, it damages your own emotional, mental and physical health. So actually holding in all the anger and frustration and like that confusion of not knowing what to do with it, the like the feeling where you when you are passive aggressive, you don't get a good response from people, and so you're just like, wind up holding and holding in more. It can negatively affect your actual health. It can lead to increased stress and anxiety, and is even linked to like physical ailments like high blood pressure. So not good in any way, shape or form, right? And

16:46  
most of us don't like doing it. It's not very fun, doesn't feel good, doesn't get us what we want. Okay? So here's what we need to do. Instead, I'm going to give you seven critical action steps to if you recognize yourself in the pattern of if you have acknowledged, and hey, big kudos to you, and big respect if you are able to acknowledge that you are sometimes passive, aggressive, sulking, pouting, any of those kinds of things, or withdrawal or just like coldness, you're not bad, right? And I want to give you, like all the respect in the world for acknowledging that you sometimes might use those behaviors, because really, we all do. So here's some things that need to shift, and this is how you help yourself out of it, so you don't have to keep doing that, because it's just no fun.

17:39  
Now, they're not all easy, but to be honest, you've got to, just like, pick your pain here, right? So do you want the clean pain of something that's going to help you learn and grow and be more effective, or do you want the, like, messy, dirty pain of just like, continuing with this really uncomfortable behavior that doesn't get you what you want and makes things worse, right? So there's pain either way. So you just gotta pick which one you want. Do you want to clean out the wound, or you want to let the wound fester? That's kind of the choices here. So cleaning out the wound, these are the seven critical action steps to do that and to change this behavior.

18:18  
Number one is naming your real feelings. So yep, gonna have to start understanding and really being with your emotions. You're a human being. You're going to have negative emotions. You were designed for them.

18:33  
Before you withdraw from somebody, I want to invite you to pause and actually identify what is happening beneath your anger, frustration, whatever that feeling is. Look underneath it. There's probably some disappointment or hurt or fear of rejection. Say it out loud.

18:56  
Just say out loud to yourself. I am feeling rejected and scared. I am whatever it is that is actually underneath. I want you to identify it and feel it. I have a great resource, and there's you can just even Google it, called the feelings wheel. If you need some help identifying your feelings, I highly recommend it. I really needed help with this. If you're one of those people, like I was, who could only kind of tell like I feel good or bad,

19:23  
or like, maybe like you can be like, happy or sad, like, like, that's the level you could identify feelings at. That's where I started. The feelings wheel is a game changer. Just Google it, download it, print it out, carry it around with you. Some people even have, I have one in my office, a pillow made from it. It's really helpful. So one is naming and identifying your feelings, your actual feelings underneath the surface, ones that are like the anger of that's sort of like the responsive anger of, like I didn't get what I wanted.

19:57  
Number two, take a break.

20:00  
Yeah, not a tantrum. And now I'm a huge fan of actual tantrums. Like, like, close your door, have a private place and just like, punch the air and, like, kick your feet in the floor and have, like, a baby tantrum. I love it. I highly recommend it. If you need to do it, please do it. Do it on your break. It's a great way to move some emotion through your body, but I mean not like giving, like the sort of tantruming in the way where you're giving somebody the silent treatment, or you're withdrawing, or you're reactive to them. So in this case, instead, take a break when your emotions are running high, just say, hey, I need some time to cool down. Let's talk after half hour, whatever it is, instead of giving someone the silent treatment or performing some sort of sulking, set a specific time to return to that conversation. Do whatever you need to do, and I'm going to give you some tips about what to do

21:00  
when you do return to the conversation number three, speak as directly as you can and as vulnerably as you can about your actual feelings, those ones from number one that you figured out.

21:15  
So instead of sulking, we're saying things like, Hey, I'm feeling really hurt because, you know, when I invited you to have some sexy time last night, you really pulled away from me, and I felt like we couldn't really talk about it. And I want to let you know that I'm feeling really hurt about this, and I'd like us to figure this out together. That's just an example, but essentially speaking directly, saying, These are my feelings. Can we figure this out together?

21:46  
That's it. Focus on solving rather than punishing someone.

21:51  
Right number four,

21:54  
if verbal communication is hard, especially because it is for me and it is for a lot of people, right before you speak. So you may not be ready to talk about it yet. When verbal communication is hard, write down your feelings. Ask yourself questions. Here's a really powerful one to ask yourself, What am I assuming about my partner that's making me feel this way? This

22:20  
is going to help you separate facts from stories that you're telling yourself. Okay, so number four is right before you speak. Number five,

22:30  
get curious rather than defensive. So instead of assuming that your partner is actually trying to hurt or intending to reject, you ask a curious question, like, Hey, would you help me understand where you're coming from? And do it from real curiosity, not from like an angry tone, right? Seek understanding and seek understanding before trying to get yourself understood. Try to make sure you're understanding the other person, because there may actually, maybe they're not trying to reject you. Maybe they just need a different type of initiation, because that's what works with their own patterns of desire and arousal. Or maybe they had like a really crazy day, right? So seek understanding. Get curious. Number six, soothe yourself first. So we need, we all need to learn self soothing so that we don't have to make our partners responsible for managing our feelings. I'm going to say that again, because it's so important,

23:36  
learning to comfort your own hurts, your own emotions, instead of making your partner responsible for managing your feelings, is absolutely critical. When we have comforted ourselves, we can ask other people for help, but we have to take primary responsibility for comforting ourselves first, and this might mean, and this does not mean distracting yourself from your feelings. So this doesn't mean scrolling, drinking, venting at somebody, blah, blah, all kinds of whatever your distractions of choice. It means actually feeling and soothing those feelings. So it might mean something like deep breathing, a walk, a bath, a workout, but just make sure that whatever your sort of self soothing of choices, that it actually gives you time and space to get perspective and is not just a distraction. Doesn't mean you can't distract yourself sometimes, sometimes you just need to distract yourself, but don't imagine that that's actually soothing. It's not it's just giving you a little bit of distraction space. So then you need to still soothe, which means you actually need to know what those feelings are. You need to look at them. You need to let yourself feel them and comfort yourself with some self compassion, like actually be.

25:00  
The best parent you could imagine to yourself, that person doesn't indulge great parenting isn't over indulgent, but it is compassionate, right? It's like, I understand you're having really tough feelings, right now, that's hard. Yes, you still have to go to school. No, you can't eat the entire cake, right? Compassion still sets boundaries and sets realistic expectations for behavior, but it does so lovingly. So do that for yourself. Soothe yourself. Okay, that's number six, and number seven is just own your emotional experience.

25:41  
Remember your own perceptions are creating your emotion, and all of our perceptions are subject to being wrong.

25:52  
We are often reacting to things that we are stories that we made up in our mind. I might feel rejected even when my partner is not really intending to reject me, right? I feel rejected because I'm perceiving that they are rejecting me when they might not mean that at all.

26:11  
Right? So owning my emotional experience means that I'm saying, Oh, I'm actually responsible. That doesn't mean other people aren't contributing. If somebody says something really nasty to me, it makes sense that I have an emotional reaction, but I'm still gonna own that I am putting weight on what they're saying, right? I'm deciding that that actually matters, or that they're trying to hurt me, as opposed to they're just having a really, they're just bad at coping with their own emotions, and so they're lashing out at me, right? So we want to take responsibility for what we can that doesn't mean that somebody isn't always, you know, sometimes somebody is rejecting you. Sometimes, if they're your partner, chances are it's not personal. They're not like trying to reject you for who you are, they're not, but see if you can take as much responsibility as you can for your own emotional experience. That's number seven. So the bottom line of all this is, ask yourself,

27:13  
Could there be more power for me in acknowledging my feelings directly, instead of being passive aggressive. Could I get better results for the relationship that I want by owning up to my own emotional experience and taking as much care of it as I can rather than being passive aggressive? I promise you the answer is always yes, always

27:38  
and for the lower desire partner, if you are experiencing this type of passive aggression from your higher desire partner,

27:49  
I want to speak to you for a moment, and I'm not letting you totally off the hook, because you also might be passive aggressive about stuff too, and I want to invite you to investigate that. But for this desire gap situation. It's really common, in particular, that it's a higher libido partner that's doing this, and that might not be the situation in your case, right? So own up to it if you're doing it too, but if you are on the receiving end of the sort of sulking from a partner who wants more sex,

28:20  
I want you to know a couple things. One is that you are not crazy for feeling upset about the passive aggression. You are not wrong for not being interested in sex under those conditions, and it makes absolute sense for you to say no. In fact, it's your body, so you are always entitled to say no. And I mean, whether you're married or not, I cannot believe how many of us still have this subconscious idea that just because we married somebody, they are somehow entitled to our body. That is not the case. No one owns owes anyone else sex ever period, right? So we may know that intellectually, but a lot of us have sort of this like idea in our bodies that we somehow owe it to our partners. That's not helping you either. Future episode on that, but I don't want you to feel crazy for not being turned on when someone is sulking, not sexy. It is completely okay to be turned off by that your body and mind are actually responding very appropriately by not feeling safe, connected or aroused, right? That's your nervous system working exactly as it should in that situation, and it's absolutely okay, and in fact, often really necessary for you to tell your partner how their behavior feels to you.

29:39  
You can model the self aware vulnerability that we're talking about here, and that you wish they would show,

29:46  
and it's absolutely okay to set boundaries around how you will respond when your partner sulks.

29:52  
You may need some help figuring out how to do that, how you want to handle it, so you can get the best result you can. And it is really normal. And.

30:00  
Smart to need some help for that. So reach out if you want some help. What I do not suggest is having obligation sex to placate them. Really bad idea, likely to make things worse, taking their behavior personally, making accusations or threats about it, or pleading with them to stop none of those things actually tend to help or will actually solve the problem or make you feel better. Everyone deserves to feel safe and respected and genuinely desired in your relationship and not manipulated into compliance. Okay, so remind yourselves of that, my dears. So as we kind of bring this to a close, I just want to say things about getting help, because it's an area where you often, in fact, very, very often, need third party help.

30:52  
If you are the one who tends to suppress your needs and then get mad and sulk, you need someone who will lovingly call you out, who does not make you into a bad person, but who will tell you when that's happening and help you not do it. Help you know how not to do it, and help you even practice what to do instead and how to help you feel entitled to owning your needs and your desires and your feelings

31:21  
if you are on the receiving end, you need someone who will actually help you practice how to have the conversations with your partner, setting the boundaries and lovingly calling them out. And you need that practice buddy, because it will be very scary for you if you have been on the receiving end of coercion tactics that involved withdrawal, emotional withdrawal or sulking in the past, because you can be really afraid of that disconnection. So most of the time, this is absolutely solvable, but a lot of times it's easier with a third party. I do recommend couples work, especially with a somatic, focused coach like me or someone similar, a somatic approach will help you address the physical sensations of unresolved anger and the emotional distress from both sides of this so instead of just talking about the past or about the problematic behavior, A somatic approach will help you actually develop the emotional awareness, the self regulation, and sort of know where your boundaries are and what you need to say, and give you a healthier way to express yourself. And a coach approach will help you practice doing that so that you feel confident and comfortable doing it, so that's going to address the underlying unspoken anger, build self regulation, support better communication, and bypass all those you know, cognitive the brain defenses, sort of knee jerk habits that get us stuck in these patterns. Okay, so just remember all the passive aggressive stuff isn't helping. And if you want more connection, more intimacy and more sex, those behaviors are literally just getting you the opposite. Everyone you deserve. You absolutely deserve to have your needs met, your feelings heard and your relationships to be thriving. And what we need in order to have that happen, is true, vulnerability, self awareness, direct communication and taking responsibility for our own emotional experience, right? So I just want to say this is, this is all about getting on the same team, solving desire, gap issues and a lot of other relationship issues and sex. Can sexual connections that are off. They're about getting on the same team.

33:49  
And so I want to invite you to just ask yourself, have I been playing on the same team with my partner? If I have 1am,

33:58  
I and if I don't right now, when I last had a partner, was I really playing on the same team? Have I been tempted or actually done passive aggression type actions like, Have I emotionally withdrawed? Have I given them the cold shoulder? Have I given the silent treatment? Have I and silent treatment is very different than taking a little space and time to process. That's a totally different thing. You know, what a silent treatment is. It's like that middle school situation. Have I been, you know, pouting or sulking?

34:30  
How does it feel in my body when I do it? Does it actually help? Does it feel better? Chances are no, right? So I want to invite you just to take a little time and self reflect, and don't freak out if that's been you, but go through this podcast at least one more time if that is you, and really make a plan for yourself, like write down a plan of how you want to approach it instead, and pick a time and start that's what I want to offer, is you.

35:00  
You can do this. You can absolutely do it. And I hope this has been very useful for you. And I will be here next week with another episode, and I hope you will be too. All right, see you then, hey. So before you go, I have some more free help for you. If you are okay with sharing your email, I will send you my free guide, five steps to start solving desire differences without blame or shame. This is a practical starting point for individuals and couples. You can opt out of my emails at any time, but I think you'll want to stick around. I am not a spammer. Go get it at www.LauraJurgens.com/libido. Make sure to spell my last name right and the link is in the show notes you.