Getting on the Same Team, Part 1: Stop venting to friends and start solving the problem together

You're both in pain about your desire gap, but you're processing it separately – venting to friends, talking to therapists, building separate narratives about what's wrong. Meanwhile, the gap between you keeps widening. Sound familiar?

Most couples approach mismatched libidos like adversaries: one person wants more sex, one wants less, and now you're fighting about whose needs matter more. But when one of you loses, you both lose.

In this episode, you'll learn why the adversarial approach never works, how to get underneath surface feelings like "frustrated" or "fine" to the real pain you're both experiencing, and why suppressing your feelings or only venting to others actually makes your desire gap worse. This is the foundation for everything that follows – getting vulnerable enough to stop fighting each other and start solving the problem together.

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Transcript

0:01  
Welcome to the desire gap podcast. I'm your host, Dr Laura Jurgens, and whether you want more sex than your partner or less, you are not wrong, and your relationship isn't doomed. You just need better tools to solve the struggles of mismatched libidos. That's what we do here. So welcome and let's dive in.

0:22  
Hey everyone. Welcome to Episode 91

0:26  
I am so glad you are here. I'm always glad you're here, but this is an extra special one, and so I'm extra glad, extra Glad you're here. Today. We are going to talk about getting on the same team, and this is going to be a two-parter, and they'll probably be more parts in the future too, but for now, I'm going to do a two part series, because this is just so important for Solving desired gaps. So part one, why to stop complaining or venting to your friends about each other and start solving the problem. How to do that? Okay, so I'm going to start with a story about what not being on the same team looks like. So I want you to imagine, let's say Sarah. Let's call her Sarah. Let's say she's out for coffee with her best friend, venting for the third time this month about how her husband never initiates anymore. She's getting reinforcement from her friend that, yes, he should absolutely be trying harder, and yes, this is a problem, and yes, she has every right to be frustrated. Meanwhile, at home, her husband, let's call him, Matthew, is on a therapy call talking about how pressured he feels, how guilty he feels that he can't seem to want sex as much as his wife does, how anxious he gets every time she gives him that look, but both of them are in pain, and both of them are talking about it, but neither of them is talking to each other about it, and here's what's happening. Every conversation Sarah has with her friend hardens her position a little more. And every therapy session Mark has without bringing Sarah in to the conversation and not talking about it when he gets home creates a little more distance. They're both getting support, and they're both processing their feelings, but they're doing it in separate corners. They're like building separate narratives about what's wrong, and they're getting further entrenched in their own story about it, and they're getting further and further away from actually solving the problem together. And this is what it often looks like when you're not on the same team, it doesn't necessarily look dramatic. And in fact, people can even make jokes about it or think it's a stereotype. And I think sometimes that's because they don't actually feel like there's really solutions. And that is so sad. But this is incredibly common. You are not alone if you were doing some version of this, but it is a really big problem that's keeping you stuck. So we're going to talk about this today and how to start getting out of it, and we're going to talk about it more next week. So the core problem here is a you versus me mindset, instead of an us versus the problem. And the problem isn't that one person wants sex less. The problem is all of the disconnect, all of this. There's a sexual disconnect for both parties, and there's emotional disconnect for both parties. Most couples are approaching desire discrepancies like they're on opposite sides of a negotiation where one person wants more sex, one person wants less sex, and now you're in like a standoff, basically about whose needs matter more and who's being unreasonable or who needs to change. And that is an adversarial approach. It's you versus me. It's easy to fall into. It doesn't make you bad people. It's really common to fall into, but it is not helpful, because in the framework of you versus me, somebody has to be wrong and somebody has to lose. But the thing is, when one of you loses, you both lose, because you're not actually opponents. You are partners who are struggling with a problem of connection that is affecting both of you. So getting on the same team means shifting from the you versus me to the US versus the challenge we're having, instead of. Of you know you never want sex anymore, versus you're always pressuring me for sex, it becomes we have a desire discrepancy that is causing both of us pain, and we need to figure this out together. Doesn't that feel better? And it sounds simple, but it's actually really profound, and you can't really solve this with if you skip this step.

5:26  
Once you're on the same

5:27  
team, you can bring both of your skills, creativity, intelligence, care, to solving the problem instead of defending your position. And I'm going to tell you, the first step on the path to getting on the same team is absolutely, fundamentally required. You can't skip it, and it is vulnerability. I'm sorry that is hard news for some of us. I know because I used to be really, really scared of vulnerability, and I didn't know what it meant, and I didn't know how to do it, and I felt like it was really abstract. And I also felt like at the end of the day, I felt like it was really unsafe, and I that was a bunch of my own baggage. See

6:17  
the attachment wound episode from last week, but the deal is--
6:23  
vulnerability is the foundation, and it is teachable and it is understandable. It is absolutely learnable, even if you didn't learn it in your family, it's totally okay. Vulnerability has to come first period. And I don't mean the kind of vulnerability where you cry and say you're sad and that you want your partner to fix it, or whatever, not that crying is bad. Crying is not necessarily bad. Crying might happen. It's totally okay, but vulnerability doesn't equal cry and vulnerability doesn't equal sad. Sometimes sad is a part of it. Sometimes crying is a part of it. But what vulnerability is naming your core feelings, the ones at the bottom of all the other feelings, the really specific ones, where you admit what you're actually afraid of, where you let your partner see the tender, scared and hurt parts of you, instead of just the top level feelings of anger, frustration or defensiveness, and most people skip this step. They try to problem solve before they've created any emotional safety, and it doesn't work. They try to have conversations about really emotional topics without creating emotional safety of using vulnerability doesn't work at all, and then they wonder why they can't communicate with their partner, or why conflict is bad for them when conflict can actually bring couples closer. But it's because they're skipping this step. I used to skip this step a lot, and it went really badly

7:57  
for me. I can't tell you how badly, so badly

8:01  
when we try to do what I've did in the past, which is like, negotiate solutions before, actually, like from almost like a lawyering up perspective. That's what I call it, like lawyering up, when I try to make all these like logical arguments from a very defended place without actually acknowledging my actual feelings, what was really happening for me and what I was really afraid of. It doesn't work, because when we try to do that without vulnerability, every suggestion, every desire expressed, every recapping of what happened, it all feels like accusations, because it's coming from a defended place. It actually comes across that way as an accusation. Every boundary winds up feeling like a rejection. Every attempt at connection gets filtered through this like protective, defended stance, and nothing actually lands right for the other person. We don't accomplish what we're trying to accomplish with our conversation, with telling our partner how we feel, with saying what we need, we don't accomplish actually getting those things unless we start with vulnerability first. So you have to get really specific about the pain that you're both in and for the higher libido partner, if you are in that place right now, I suggest you get underneath feelings like frustrated, angry, annoyed. Those are surface feelings. What is really happening? A lot of the feelings that I see in the higher libido partners, or that I've had myself is a sense of rejection, not just a sexual rejection, but the actual fear that you yourself are being rejected as a person, that you yourself are not desirable or not wanted or not in. Enough a sense of a feeling of unworthiness can be there, which is like this kind of creeping belief that something is fundamentally wrong with you. There can be a real, deep sense of loneliness, even though your partner is right there. You feel profoundly alone in your needs, your desire in your body, you can really be craving touch. There can be a lot of fear. Can be fear about your really that maybe this disconnect means your relationship is failing. Feel that you'll never get better. It'll never get better. Fear that your partner doesn't find you attractive anymore, and that that won't change. There can be grief, and it's valid to have genuine grief over the loss of sexual connection, spontaneity, maybe of grief over losing the early days when sex felt really easy and mutual. There can be shame. There can be shame about having needs in the first place, shame about wanting sex, shame about feeling like you might be a predator, shame about how you've been acting when you don't get the sex you want. And so those are just a few of the feelings that are often underneath the anger and annoyance, frustration, and you might want to interrogate yourself and see what feelings you actually have. I highly recommend just Google the feelings wheel, and you will see a really great resource that will help you identify some feelings. It doesn't have every possible feeling in the world on it, but it will have a lot of feelings named in English. There's probably feelings wheels in other languages, but I don't have them. I haven't seen them, but I bet there are. So if English isn't your first language, you could probably also find one. But let me give you an example of what it looks like when you can name the real feelings underneath, versus when you can't. So without being able to name those feelings, it sounds like I'm just so frustrated we never have sex anymore. I feel like I'm the only one who even cares about this relationship. Like, that's an example. It feels like complaining, but when you can name your specific feelings, it sounds more like when we don't have sex for weeks, I start to feel rejected, not just sexually, but like you don't want me as a person, and then I feel ashamed for even having these needs, like there's something wrong with me for wanting connection this way, and I'm scared this means we're drifting apart, and I don't know how to stop it. Do you see the difference? The second one is vulnerable. It's very specific, and it gives your partner something real to respond to, instead of just an accusation to defend against. Okay, so let's do the same thing for lower libido partners, getting really specific about pain points and the painful feelings. If you are currently in a lower libido position in your relationship and you have this desire gap with your partner, you also need to get under the surface feelings. You may have feelings of resistance, like, I don't even want to talk about it, I don't want to think about it. I'm tired of it. You may have a surface feeling of tired, right, annoyed, or even something like, fine, it's fine. Those are surface feelings, but actual feelings that might be underneath there, things like pressure, pressured, kind of this constant, unrelenting pressure that feels like you just want to shut down and run away. You might feel guilt. Sometimes people have just crushing guilt that they're they think they're failing their partner, that they're not enough, or that you're somehow the problem you are. You are yourself, who you are like can feel like a problem, which is never true, but it can feel like it inadequacy. You can have a feeling that you are broken or that something's wrong with you or your body or your desire. You can also be afraid, especially a fear of disappointing someone, someone that you love. That's a hard feeling. Every time you say no, you see your partner's face fall, and it's just killing you, like that, fear of disappointing someone can be really acute and really painful. You might have anxiety about sex itself. So it might be have become associated with performance anxiety, with feeling like you're kind of on the hook to put out with pain, or that you're just. Going through the motions, which is really a horrible feeling that can lead to a lot of anxiety about sex. Feeling like an object. This sense, you can often have that feeling if you're a partner, if you feel like your partner wants your body but doesn't actually see you or care about your actual experience, it can really feel like you're an object. You can have a lot of resentment, resentment about the expectation for sex, about initiations of sex, or about how sex is initiated, or about flippant jokes or put downs related to your sexual desire or lack thereof, about the sulking when you say no, all of those things can make you feel really resentful. You can be experiencing the pain of shame also, and a lot of times, shame for lower libido partners is like this idea that there's something wrong with you for not wanting sex like you're quote, unquote, supposed to or the shame of feeling like you're disappointing your partner again, or that you're failing at something that somehow, quote, unquote, should be natural to you, that there's some part of you that's missing that can feel shameful. And just to give you the same kind of example, here's what it looks like when you can't name those feelings. It sounds like things. Is just an example. I'm just not in the mood. I don't know why you keep asking, Can we just not talk about this right now? That's what it sounds like. If you can't actually name the feelings, if you can name the feelings with specificity, this is an example. When you ask for sex, I feel this wave of pressure and guilt because I know I'm probably going to say no, and then I'll watch you be hurt, and I feel like I'm failing you, or I'm scared that I'm broken because I don't want sex the way you do. And honestly, I feel anxious about sex itself now, because it started to feel like something I owe you rather than something I actually want. So again, do you hear the difference? The vulnerable version gives your partner real information, and it helps them understand what's actually happening for you, instead of just experiencing your no as a rejection of who they are, or as a rejection of connecting with them. So it is very important for both of you to get vulnerable and get really specific about your feelings. And you probably will. You might need some help. You don't necessarily, but most people need help with this, you may also really need to spend some time reflecting, especially if you're not going to reach out for help, or you have dedicated time with somebody helping you figure it out, then you're going to really need to take some time with yourself to figure out what your actual feelings are.

17:58  
And I want to talk a little bit about what some of the other options are that people often take to avoid vulnerability. So one of them is suppressing our feelings, and the other one is venting to others. And to be honest with you, neither one of them will work. They are kicking the can down the road. They are generally going to make things a little bit worse. Certainly delay you in solving this problem. And to be honest, as someone who helps people with this stuff all the time, the longer you delay, the worse it gets, and the harder it is to solve. And that doesn't mean it can't be solved. It's just going to take more time, because you build up kind of like, it's like you keep putting items in the closet of resentment for each of you, and we have to unpack every single one, and if you don't deal with it for a really long time and just suppress or event to other people. I mean, this is a leading cause of divorce, like one of the top causes of divorce, and divorce is very expensive. So if you care about nothing at all but money, which is, I'm sure not the case, because that is not the case for the vast majority of people. If it is, you probably should be divorced. But even if you are just thinking monetarily, divorce is very expensive. I think the average divorce is $40,000 just in fees from lawyers. So kicking the can down the road by suppressing or venting to others is more painful in the long run than getting vulnerable. So I want to really encourage you to get vulnerable and also to get help. But here's what we're going to do. We're going to go through what happens when you suppress and what happens when you vent to others. Because I think these are the two defaults that we've all I've done them. I've absolutely done them. They're the two defaults that people tend to think are good ideas, and they are not good ideas. And I'm going to I want you to understand why. So the problem with. Suppression, when you suppress your feelings about what's happening, when you make light of it, when you make a joke about it, or you just, like, tell yourself, it's fine, I can deal with this. I just need to be more understanding. Or I, you know, I can just ignore it. It's I can just the feelings will go away, right? But they don't actually go away. They just go underground. And what happens when they go underground is that they leak out in other ways, so things like you get irritable about unrelated things. I've done this, you know, your partner loads the dishwasher, wrong or something, you withdraw emotionally. I've actually done this. I think I've done all of them. Yeah, totally speaking from experience here, you withdraw emotionally. So you can be less affectionate or less present, just more distant. You might develop passive aggressive patterns, giving the silent treatment, making pointed comments, sighing heavily. I don't tend to do this one, actually as much, just because it's not my MO, but it is a lot of people's. Another one is your body will start speaking for you. So if you are suppressing your emotions and your pain this way, you can develop tension headaches, digestive issues. You can be exhausted all the time. It's a fundamental stress, and it is affecting everything in your life. If you are in a situation where there is pain from a desire gap, and if there's a desire gap that's caused some sort of arguments. There's definitely pain. Look, this is a serious stress in your life. Relationships are the biggest predictor of our happiness, and if we are not feeling connected to our partners because we have this challenge in our sexual connection, it will start affecting you physically at some point another, you know you can also just have resentment that builds up silently over time until one day you just explode. Right? None of that is helpful, and it makes everything worse to do that kind of suppression, because now your partner is dealing with your unexpressed feelings showing up in confusing, hurtful ways, and they have no idea what's actually wrong, and so now there's a subtext that's causing even more problems. Okay, so that's why not to suppress the other option that people often take is venting to other people. And this is not always bad, but let me explain why this also doesn't work, and whether it's talking to your friends, and I will also throw in talking to your therapist, because a lot of times your therapist is not actually trained in sexual intimacy repair, and a lot of times your partner is not there with you, and venting with the therapist doesn't actually necessarily get you anywhere. Some, sometimes people have a therapist that can be helpful in this situation and help encourage you to talk to your partner in constructive ways. But here's the thing, so venting to other people isn't inherently bad. Sometimes you do need to actually externally process your feelings with someone safe before you can bring them to your partner. Sometimes you need some perspective, and sometimes you need validation that your feelings are real and understandable. But if you're only ever talking to other people and not talking to your partner, that's a problem, so if you talk to other people first, in order to help get yourself calmed down, get some perspective, get some validation, kind of clarify where you're at, practice what you might want to say to your partner, that's useful. But if you're only just complaining to other people about your partner and you're not actually talking to them, you build an echo chamber. So your friends kind of tend to validate your perspective, which is really nice, but it also kind of hardens our position. And every time we tell a story about how frustrated we are, we reinforce our own narrative. If you're not getting your partner's perspective, you're not actually building a multi sided understanding of the problem, right? You're you're only building a one sided understanding of the problem. Another problem with only talking to other people is that you create distance every conversation you wind up having about your relationship with someone who isn't your partner, winds up being a conversation you're not having with your partner, right? That's time and emotional energy going somewhere else, and sometimes our partners can even sense that we're talking about them to other people, which creates mistrust, as well as just sort. The other types of emotional distance from the emotional energy going elsewhere. Another problem is that you're actually avoiding the vulnerability of direct communication, and you're reinforcing the idea that other people are safe and your partner is not safe to talk to. Talking to your partner feels scary, but the scary conversation is the one that one can actually change things, but also two gives you the chance to have it not be as scary in reality when your partner actually listens to you, especially if you come with vulnerability, and then you get to learn that it's safe to talk to your partner. And the last one you know is you kind of make your friends complicit in your avoidance. So if your friends know all about your sex life problems, but your partner doesn't really know how you feel, then something is backwards. So I am not saying don't talk to other people ever. That is not at all what I'm saying. I'm not saying don't get support or process your feelings, but I'm what I am saying is that your partner needs to be in the loop, and the conversation you're having with your friends needs to also happen fairly soon with your partner. And if you have a therapist, and you're talking to your therapist, you should they should be helping you prepare for and actually practice the conversations you need to have with your partner, not replacing those conversations. And if your therapist doesn't know how to do that, you need additional help, not that you can't keep your therapist, but you also need more specialized help of somebody who actually knows how to help you? Because ultimately, your friends can't solve the desire gap, your therapist can't solve your desire gap, only you and your partner can solve it together. I can't even solve your desire gap. I can help you solve it, but you and your partner together are the ones who have to solve it. So you do, if you get if you want to talk to somebody else, make sure you're talking with someone who will help facilitate you getting on the same team and talking real with each other and vulnerably. Okay, so in the next episode, next week, we are going to walk through exactly how to have that conversation that gets you on the same team. I will give you a step by step framework, show you what it looks like in practice and help you know when you need outside help. But for now, I want to give you a couple things to sit with.

27:38  
What are your actual feelings about your sexual desire, gap with your partner, I will really want you to ponder that deeply. How do you actually feel, not the surface feelings, the real ones underneath. I want you to write them down, get specific, because that vulnerability is actually the foundation for everything else. And if you are a listener who's actually not currently in a desire gap, but you are in a relationship. Or if you are not in a sexual relationship, but you want one, I want you to reflect on what feelings you have or have had in past relationships that you haven't shared with your partners, but that you maybe should have. Okay, so action items for you this week, if you want, if this is an issue for you and you want to solve it, I'm going to invite you on this mission. Should you choose to accept it, to write down those specific feelings. Move from frustrated or just like avoidant to the real emotions underneath. Number two, I want you to check in with yourself about whether you're suppressing or venting or both. If so, I want you to call yourself out on that and just own it. And then, number three, I want to invite you to notice when you're in adversarial mode. So just pay attention. You don't have to work on shifting it yet. I'm going to give you the framework for starting to do that next week. But for now, just pay attention to when you are thinking it's me versus you, instead of us versus our challenge.

29:25  
Okay? So

29:27  
just to close your desire gap is not a referendum on your relationship. It is not proof that one of you is broken or wrong. It is just a problem that requires both of you to solve together, and the first step is really getting vulnerable enough to get on the same team. So next week, we'll talk about exactly how to do that, and I will see you here. Then Hey. So before you go, I have some more free help for you. If you are okay with sharing your email, I will send you my free guide, five steps to start solving. Desire differences without blame or shame. This is a practical starting point for individuals and couples. You can opt out of my emails at any time, but I think you'll want to stick around. I am not a spammer. Go get it at www.Laurajurgens.com/libido. Make sure to spell my last name right and the link is in the show notes.