Getting on the Same Team, Part 2: How to talk about sex without fighting

You know you need to talk about your desire gap, but every time you try, it devolves into a fight. Someone gets defensive or spirals into shame, and you're right back where you started – or worse.

In this episode, you get the exact framework for having the conversation that actually works to get you started on the road to solving your issues together. You'll learn how to check if you're calm enough for vulnerability, how to express your feelings without blame, how to hear your partner's pain without making it about your own inadequacy, and the step-by-step process for getting on the same team.

This isn't theory – it's a practical, tested approach with real examples showing what conversations look like when you're adversarial versus when you're allied. You'll know exactly what to say, how to prepare, when to pause, and how to tell if it's working. Plus, clear signs for when you need outside help and what kind of support actually makes a difference.

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Transcript

Welcome to the desire gap podcast. I'm your host, Dr Laura Jurgens, and whether you want more sex than your partner or less, you are not wrong, and your relationship isn't doomed. You just need better tools to solve the struggles of mismatched libidos. That's what we do here. So welcome and let's dive in. 

Hello and welcome back to the desire gap podcast. I am Laura. I'm so glad you were here today. We are doing a follow up on last week. So if you didn't listen last week to getting on the same team part one, go back and do that, because today is getting on the same team part two, and these really go together. We are going to talk today about how to talk about sex without fighting, yay. And last week, we talked about why most couples approach desire discrepancies, unfortunately, as adversaries instead of teammates, and why it doesn't work. It was really important episode to set the groundwork for today, we covered how to get specific about the pain that you're both in, the real feelings underneath the sort of frustrated or fine or avoidant kind of patterns, and today we are going to talk about how to actually have the conversation that gets you on the same team and really starts you on that path together. I'm going to give you a step by step framework and actually show you what it looks like in practice and help you know when you need outside help to have that conversation. 

But first so let's talk about preparing yourself for this conversation. So the first thing is having a check in with yourself about whether you are actually calm enough for this conversation to go well for you, before you have this conversation, you need to check Am I actually in a calm enough place to be vulnerable and curious? I strongly recommend scheduling the conversation that you're going to have with your partner about sex in advance, not springing it on them when it feels urgent to you. That's not, in fact, that's a sign that you are not calm enough to have the conversation. Is it feels urgent like you have to do it right now, and if you schedule in advance, it works great, because everybody can do whatever they need to do beforehand to show up in a sort of calm, regulated nervous system state. So here's a few ways to tell. If you're not calm, not everybody can tell. And I totally get that when we're activated, we actually often lose a bit of the capacity for what's called interoception, which is the sense of what's actually happening inside of us. So what I want you to do is get familiar with this little checklist of how to tell when you're not calm, so that it reminds you when you kind of lost that sense of interoception. 

So one Your heart might be beating a little faster than normal, like you're feeling like you're either your heart or your thoughts are racing, if your thoughts are spinning, that is also another clue. So they can even be spinning in like sort of accusatory loops, like he always or she never or whatever. But even if your thoughts are just sort of running around like little Jurgens on gerbil wheels, that is a sign that you are not calm, you also may have an urgent need to make your point right now or to hash it out right now. Yeah, that means you're not calm if you are. Another one is if you are already defensive before the conversation even starts. And look, to be honest, most people can't tell that they're defensive when they are defensive. So this isn't the best one for everybody. I can't usually tell I'm actually defensive when I'm defensive, I can, but I can really, I've learned how to tell all the signs that I'm not calm, and one of for me, a lot of them are actually somatic. They're body based signs. So you may also another list for you to check in with is, is your jaw tight? Are your shoulders up by your ears? Is your and that's an exaggeration, but are they holding a bunch of tension? Is your breath shallow? Are you like deeply breathing, or are you noticing you're kind of skipping, or you're breathing really shallowly? Do you feel tension in the places where you normally store a lot of 10. When you are activated or triggered. Also, another thing that could be happening that's a good clue for you, is you're imagining how they'll respond and getting upset at your imagined version of your partner. That means that you are not calm enough to have the conversation, because you aren't in curiosity. You're in like it. You're in sort of like future fear, imagining what's going to happen in the future and then being anxious about it. If you are any of those things, you are not calm enough to have the conversation go well for you. So you got to calm your nervous system first. 

And here's one thing to try, putting your hand on your heart and really starting to feel feel the pressure and the warmth from your own hand. Take five slow breaths where you exhale longer than you inhale, so actually count the seconds and exhale longer than you inhale. Exhale all the way for each of those five breaths. Feel your feet on the ground, feel the air around you, feel that hand on your chest and remind yourself that you're safe in this moment that whatever happens is going to be okay. And ask yourself, can I be curious about my partner's experience right now, or am I only able to focus on my own be 100% honest with yourself, if the answer is I can only really focus on my own position right now, I can only really defend myself. Then you need more time, and that's okay. Just tell your partner, I want to talk about this with you, but I need time to really calm down first, so that we can have a productive conversation. Can we come back to this later and then set a specific time to return to it. Please don't use you know, I need to calm down as a way to avoid a conversation forever. That is just another form of withdrawal. But I do strongly recommend scheduling the conversation well in advance and then doing whatever you do to calm your nervous system. Hopefully you have some tools in your resilience toolbox to calm your nervous system. If you don't have any tools in there, then you get on a free consult with me ASAP, or reach out to a good therapist. Can actually help you with those too, but you will want to go to your calming things, whether that's taking a walk or taking a bath or whatever, right? It's not binge watching Netflix that's just a distraction, but like, do something that's actually calming. 

Okay, so once you're calm enough to have the conversation, everybody needs to be calm, and you've talked to your partner and checked in with them, and they feel like you're you're like, Hey, are you feeling like you're calm enough to have this conversation and well resourced and stuff? Then the next step is expressing without blaming. And this is really important if you want things to go well for you,

it's really important, because if you don't do this, you will get the exact opposite reaction that you want. So this is the difference between vulnerability and venting, right? There's a huge difference between expressing our feelings vulnerably and venting our frustration with blame attached. We talked a little bit about that last week, but blame sounds like things like, you never want me anymore. You're always pressuring me. You've let yourself go. You're broken. You don't care about my needs. Blame. Those are kind of obvious blaming things, but I want to caution you, because blame also includes kind of cheating with like pseudo feelings, that's what I call them, which are just accusations disguised as feelings. And look, we've all done this. I've definitely done it before, which is why I'm so familiar with it. These sound like,

I feel like you never ...

you see how it's like actually, what it is is the accusation is in there, you never, whatever you never, let's say it's You never listen to me. I feel like you never listen to me. That's not a feeling, that's not a vulnerable feeling, that's actually an accusation with just the words I feel shoved in front of it to try to make it sound like it's nicer and like it's a feeling. It's not a feeling. The person has not actually reflected on what their vulnerable feeling is. I feel like you never listen to me. Is just an accusation with a little like outfit on

to make it sound like a feeling. Going. So

if we experience our partner not paying attention to us, not listening to us, not letting us finish our sentences, not really absorbing or reflecting what we've said, it can feel really bad, but the chances are that the vulnerable feelings underneath that are something like hurt, ignored, unimportant, right? The feeling would actually be, I feel unimportant when you interrupt me, when you don't let me finish, when you roll your eyes while I'm talking, right? The feeling is unimportant. So remember, you got to identify those deep, underlying feelings and express them vulnerably, even though it's scary. This is what real courage is, I promise. This is why nobody wants to do it. It's because it takes bravery. You will be such a badass, and your relationship will be so much better, and your communication will be so much more effective if you embrace the idea that vulnerability will always get you farther than accusations, even if accusations feel more comfortable in the moment. Okay, so real vulnerability sounds like here's a few phrases that are just examples. I feel unwanted and I'm scared that means you don't desire me anymore. Or I feel pressured, and it's making me shut down physically even more. Or I'm afraid to tell you what I actually need, because I don't want to hurt you, or I'm worried that something's wrong with me because my desire isn't what it used to be, or I feel lonely in this and I don't know how to bridge the gap between us. Those are real admissions of actual feelings. Okay, re listen to those. Those are really examples of what actual vulnerability feels like, and when you listen to them,

Do you

see how you would respond to somebody saying, I feel lonely in this and I don't know how to bridge this gap between us. Imagine how that would feel versus you don't care about my needs, right? One is incredibly disarming and like, oh, I can hear you, and I can empathize with the feeling of loneliness, and I I see that you're coming from a good place. The other one is, oh, my gosh, I got to put my hackles up and all my armor on, because you're accusing me, right? So this is why we have to do the hard work, the courageous, vulnerable, brave work to get to our actual feelings and give the gift of that to our partner, even when it's scary. So let's just look at an example of a conversation that would happen with each approach you can probably imagine, right? So the blame version sounds like, Partner A is like, you never initiate anymore. I'm always the one trying. You clearly don't care about our sex life. And Partner B is like, that's not fair. I'm exhausted all the time. You don't understand the pressure I'm under. And Partner A is like, oh, so I'm the bad one for wanting to connect, right? And then Partner B is like, I didn't say that. Why do you always twist my words, right? So now they're actually in a fight about the fight, like they're not even they're just fighting about, like, word twisting and who's the bad one, and it's not even about the topic. They're getting absolutely nowhere. We've all been there. I've certainly been there. It doesn't make either of you a bad person. It just means that you need some better tools for having a conversation. So the vulnerable version that actually works way better would be partner a starting with something like I've been feeling really rejected lately. When I try to invite you for sex and you say, No, I start to believe that you don't find me desirable anymore, and that's really hurtful for me. And then Partner B can say, Wow, I didn't realize you were feeling so rejected and undesirable. I'm not saying no because I don't desire you. I'm saying no because, you know, to be honest, I just feel so much pressure around sex that my body feels like it's shutting down, and I feel really bad about it, and I just want to, I just don't want to think about it,

and then Partner A

has the chance to come back and say, I had no idea that you felt so much pressure, that it was so intense for you. Can you help me understand more about what that feels like? So now they are actually having a conversation. So do you see how the vulnerable version just opens up curiosity and understanding, while the blame version. Just creates more defense. And so this is really critical. On the other side of things is the listener right? And the listener also has a really challenging, courageous role to fill when your partner is speaking. The big challenge is hearing your partner without spiraling into shame,

which just makes it all about you,

not that there isn't stuff that is important for you, but you don't want your partner's feelings to become about you too. You've already got your own stuff, right? So when you are on the listener side of things, you want to be able to listen with an open heart and not also spiral into defensiveness. So here's what often happens is you know someone's partner finally gets vulnerable and tells you how they're feeling, and then, instead of hearing them, the listener immediately spirals into shame about themselves. And I'm going to go ahead and say, I think we've all been there too. You are the rare bird. If you've never done this, most of us have done it. It also doesn't make you a horrible person. Don't spiral into shame about having shame, please. My God, we've probably all done that too, but let's not do it now. So if your partner says something like something vulnerable, right? Like, I feel pressured when you ask me if I want to have sex in this way that feels like you're kind of planning on being hurt or upset if I say no, okay, so let's say somebody said that. What the reactive person on the other side hears is, I'm a terrible partner. I'm just terrible. I'm too much. There's something wrong with me. I'll never get this right. I'm failing. Blahdy, blahdy blah, right? Their brain automatically goes into me, me, me, me, me, I'm bad. And when we think I'm bad, we are so self focused on our badness, that we're actually not hearing the other person's feelings, and now we've also misinterpreted and actually made their feelings about us being bad when they never were saying that we are bad people. They're saying that they feel pressured, and we kind of totally missed it because we started to focus on ourselves. We're defending against our own shame spiral now, instead of being curious about their experience. And this can happen both directions, right? So if your partner says, I feel rejected when we don't have sex for weeks, and you hear, I'm broken, I'm inadequate, I'm failing as a spouse, something's wrong with my body, I'll never be enough again. That is disappearing into your own shame instead of staying present with your partner. 

And these things can be really tempting to do if you can't get out of them, that's one clue that you're going to need some help, and we'll talk more about that later. But what's happening in both of these cases is that your nervous system is interpreting their vulnerability as an attack, even though it's not, and you're going into like a shame based fight, flight, freeze response thing. And this is normal. It's not abnormal at all, but it is very unhelpful, and so it doesn't help you, it makes you feel miserable, and it doesn't help them. They don't feel heard, and it reinforces that they shouldn't even try to be vulnerable with you, which is a real big bummer, because then you have no hope for resolving anything in your relationship. So we need to interrupt this. So the important thing is to notice the pattern like, Oh, I'm having the I'm a failure. Thought again, notice it, and then name it out loud. You can just say, Okay, I notice I'm spiraling into some shame right now, I want to listen, but I am struggling to stay calm and not feel like a failure. Can you give me a minute so that I can really focus on what you're saying? So what you do is you name it out loud that's vulnerable too, but you're practicing vulnerability, remember, because it's your superpower in relationships. And so you name it out loud, and then you take a few deep breaths, literally. Take some big, deep breaths where you can really feel into your whole body. Don't let yourself run away into dissociation. Take a few breaths for, you know, a good solid minute, and ask yourself at the end of that time, can I listen with curiosity for how my partner is feeling without making it about me being awful, can I just listen to how they actually feel and remind myself that I'm a good person, even if I inadvertently contributed to their pain? Okay, so name it out loud. Notice it. Name it out loud, take that breath and start getting curious inside your head. And once you get curious inside your head, get curious out loud. So you want to tell your partner, okay, so what I heard you say is repeat back what they said, right? And then ask, is that right? Can you tell me more about what that feels like for you? And the goal here is to stay present with their experience, instead of disappearing into your own shame story, and remember that someone's feelings are not a Jurgens about your worth. They are not a verdict on your worth as a human being. They're just information about their experience. They don't make mean that you're a bad partner. Okay? So that's hearing with empathy, instead of going into a shame spiral. That is the second most important thing, as well as communicating vulnerably so rubber meeting the road here the practice of actually getting on the same team. How do you actually do this? How do you have the conversation that gets you on the same team? So those two things we just talked about are the key ingredients to having difficult conversations without getting in fights. And I have a whole entire framework for how to do these kind of difficult conversations that I teach all of my clients, because it is incredibly powerful. But we're just going to do kind of a short version, because it does take some practice and some effort, and we're going to do a little short version today and just kind of walk you through it. So you want to set aside some dedicated time. You want to make sure that's step one, don't try to have this conversation in bed right after a rejection, or in the five minutes before you need to leave to work right set aside a full hour when you both are calm and you have some privacy and your four year old or your grandma isn't going to like come in. So you need to set aside step one. Set aside the dedicated time. Step two, you need to make sure you're calm enough to have that conversation, right? And hopefully you have set aside that time and prepared yourself to be calm, right? Step number three is to start with some shared intentions and assumptions of goodwill. So this means start by actually naming that you both want this to get better, and that you both actually believe the other person has good intentions towards you, that they are not trying to hurt you on purpose. So you might say something like, Hey, I know we're both struggling with our sex life, and I want us to figure this out together. I am not trying to blame you or fix you. I truly want to understand what's happening for both of us so that we can work together as a team, right? And you may ask your partner, can we start on a with a shared assumption neither of us are actually trying to hurt the other person? All right? Step four, take turns sharing vulnerably and listening with empathy. Use the vulnerability language we talked about in last week's episode, and the homework that I gave you was to figure out your feelings underneath all of the surface, ones name those actual feelings, whether they're fear or shame or loneliness, pressure, inadequacy, be specific. Do not use accusations, no blanket statements of like you always you never right.

Avoid blame. And for the listener, this is sort of in concert, this sort of next step, but also kind of happens at the same time. Stay out of the shame spiral and listen with curiosity for the actual feelings, and reflect back what you heard, trying to imagine what those feelings feel like. So instead of responding, do not just respond. Actually repeat back what your partner said in your own words, really simple. Like, all you have to do is start with like, what I'm hearing is great. What I'm hearing is that you feel pressured when I ask for sex every night, and that pressure makes you feel like, really you don't want to have sex, is that right? This makes sure that you're actually hearing them, and gives them a chance to clarify if you're not really getting it right. And it also lets them know that you're not just waiting for your turn to talk, that you're actually absorbing and listening to what they have to say. All right, next step step six. That was step four. Reflect back what you heard step five. I should say Step six is get curious, ask questions, right? What does that pressure feel like in your body? When did you first start feeling rejected? What would help you feel less anxious about sex? What would feel nicer to you as. A way for me to initiate genuine curiosity really opens up understanding and a conversation, right? Sometimes your partner won't actually know the answer to your question and may need some time to consider it, but just your curiosity about it is a great place to start, and signals that you actually care about their experience, not just your particular side of things, right? All right. Next step, acknowledge the pain on both sides. Something real simple, like I hear this is really painful for you. I want you to know my experience is also painful in a different way. Can we just acknowledge that we're both hurting and that neither of us is wrong for feeling what we're feeling, right? That's simple acknowledgements that there's both of you are in pain without minimizing the other person's pain. What you don't want to do is just be like, Yeah, I hurt too, like, and then talk all about yourself, right? But you want to really hear that this is hard for them, and acknowledge that both of you are in pain and that you don't doesn't have to be about anybody being wrong. Most of the time, there's nobody wrong. Most of the time, it's just that people are in a different place. Two people are in a different place, and that's hurting both of them, right? Nobody has to be wrong for there to be an actual challenge. All right? The next two steps. Number one, just name your shared goal. We both want to feel connected. We both want sex to be good for both of us not feel like an obligation or a chance for rejection. Can we agree? That's what we're working on together, right? And then the last one is, please don't try to solve everything in one conversation. You just want to acknowledge the shared goal and start opening up a conversation about your actual feelings, where you can hear each other. You do not want to try to use this conversation to solve everything. It is not where you this conversation isn't where you figure out exactly how to fix your whole desire gap. This is the conversation where you just start getting on the same team. The solutions will come later, after you've established that you're working together rather than against each other. And you can't rush all that, but you have to do this first step. You have to get on the same team, and that's what this conversation is about. All right, so my dears, this is the game changer. This way of doing a conversation changes everything. So for example, right before the before this conversation makeover, you have an adversarial situation with a couple, and they're, you know, it sounds something like we need to talk about our sex life. We barely have sex anymore. I'm not okay with that. And then the other person's like, I'm doing my best. I don't know what you want from me. And the other person's like, well, you could at least try. It's like, you don't even care, right? And the other person's like, that's not fair. You don't understand anything about what I'm experiencing, right? It's just adversarial. But when you have this conversation structure, the conversation makeover, I should call it, you get on the same team because you're coming with real vulnerability empathy. You're giving intention and space to what needs to happen here, and you have a manageable goal for your conversation, which is just to find your common ground and your common goals and really have a chance to listen to where each other's coming from. So it might sound more like I want to talk about what's happening with our sex life, because I know we're both struggling. Can we take some time to really understand what's happening for each of us? Right? And then the other person can respond to that, saying, Yeah, you know, honestly, I've been avoiding this conversation because I feel like so much guilt around it, but I do actually want to talk. Let's, let's set aside a time, right? And then they have the conversation in a connected way that actually brings them closer together, where they wind up in a place where they're able to say, you know, I didn't know that. This is exactly how you felt. I really appreciate you sharing your real feelings with me. I've just been sort of focused on my own feeling like a failure, right? And so we get to a place where they're able to say, you know, can we what if we start taking some time to figure out together what would make sex feel good for you again, instead of like an obligation, right? They're able to start having opening up some of the important missing pieces that have been contributing to their desired gap. So we want so what happens when you have a conversation? This. Way is that you're on the same team. You're both bringing your experiences to the table. You're both trying to understand each other genuinely and from a open hearted place, instead of a defensive place, which is not a place of understanding, right? 

We're now, we're oriented towards solving the problem together, but sometimes you need help, and a lot of times, people actually struggle just to have this conversation. And that makes total sense, because this is new and different, and you may never have experiences this in your family of origin. So here's a few signs that you need outside help to have this conversation. So one, you might keep trying it, and it devolves into a fight every time. So there's some sort of missing piece. There's something that somebody's not getting. Okay. Number two, one or both of you cannot get calm and regulated enough to be vulnerable. Number three, one or both of you doesn't quite understand their own feelings enough to actually talk about them or articulate them like it just feels too hard to say you don't have the words. You need help coming up with the words you need help, like uncovering what your actual feelings are. Another clue that you need help is that the shame spiral is just too intense to interrupt on your own, and every time your partner tries, you just go into this, like, I'm a total failure, like I'll never do anything right, like drama land, which can either be kind of this, like crying shut down, or kind of like an anger version. Both of them are shame spirals. You need help getting out of that. Another clue that you might need help is that there's a history of broken trust between you or your childhood attachment wounds from your families of origin make vulnerability just feel absolutely impossible, like it is just way too scary to go there. Another clue is that you are stuck in patterns you can't seem to break despite trying and there. And last one is that there's some sort of contempt or defensiveness or shutdown that, just like, completely takes over despite everybody's best intentions, or one person one person's best intentions and the other person's, like, not willing, right? If any of that is true, please get help. It doesn't mean you're failing. It just means you're wise enough to recognize that you need support. I'm going to say that one more time, because it's so important. If you need help, it doesn't mean you're failing. You aren't supposed to have to do everything on your own all the time. It means if you need help, that you are wise enough to recognize when you need support that is brilliant and awesome, and that will you get to have all the credit for that? Yeah, so I recommend, and I am going to own my bias here because, but I will say

my bias is built on seeing a lot of stuff that didn't work for me and for my clients who sometimes come to me really frustrated with past experiences With other helping professionals. So I strongly recommend working with a somatic coach who specializes in couples and sexual intimacy. I cannot recommend for this traditional talk therapy where you sit on, you know, a couch and rehash complaints or get pitted against each other. I have heard that story from so many people that have come to me and said that they had really bad experiences, I want you to know that marriage and family therapy certifications typically require zero training in sexuality, so a lot of people are marriage or couples counselors and are not equipped to deal with anything related to sexuality, which sounds nuts, I know, because it is nuts, but it's the truth active engaged work where someone helps you practice vulnerability in real time and helps you regulate your nervous systems together and teaches you the specific skills you need to get on the same team. That is what you need. So that is why a somatic approach is really powerful, because it works with your body and not just your mind. It will help you notice when you're getting activated, it will which is what your partner is responding to. It's not your words. Your partner is not just responding. You could say all the words, right? And if you are not calm and you are triggered or activated, your partner will be responding to that. So you need someone who teaches you how to deal with that and how to be aware of what's happening for you, how to stay present with difficult feelings and how to cope. Regulate together so that you can have hard conversations without melting down. And most importantly, you need someone who helps you practice, and that's why I recommend coaches rather than therapists, although there are probably some great therapists out there who also know how to do that, and I would love their names if you know them, wonderful. Send them to me. But you do need to practice, because knowing what to do intellectually is very different from being able to do it when you are afraid, when you are afraid, and these are scary, because this is a high stakes relationship with your partner. Your partner is sitting across from you expressing pain, and that is going to freak you out. So that's why you practice with me, because I am a low stakes relationship, and I am not going to freak out. And so you practice so that you have a sense of what to do, and you feel confident how to do this, and you've already said the words once you know, like you've gotten that, like, first pancake out, and even though it's all wonky, right, like you've been like, All right, we're not gonna serve that one to guests. So you also need someone who will lovingly call you out when you slip into blame, and who will help you find the vulnerable truth underneath your defended position, who believes that your defenses are just defenses, and not the reality of who you are and who will guide you through the conversation in real time until you can learn how to do it on your own. And so that's why I love what I do. That is absolutely what I do. I love it. There are other practitioners who work this way too. Most of us offer free consultations. I know I do so you can find someone who feels like a good fit for you, whether that's me or someone else, but I do want to encourage you to get help and be wise enough to notice when you need help. Okay, so here's a few action items to close out today. I want to give you a few action items for what to try this week. Here's what you can do right now. You can practice checking in with yourself on your level of calm. So practice throughout the week. Am I calm right now? Can I be curious? Do I have bandwidth to be curious about my partner? Practice checking in with yourself and starting to notice your own cues. I gave you a list of them at the beginning of this episode. So go over that and see you know what you can learn about how you can check in with yourself. All right. Number two, you can propose the conversation to your partner. Try not to ambush them. Just say something like, Hey, I would love for us to talk openly about what's been happening with our sex life, not to fight or blame, but just to really understand what's going on for both of us. Can we set aside some time this week when we're both really calm to talk about it? Another thing number three, you can use the framework for that conversation. When you have the conversation, follow the steps that were outlined in this podcast, take turns sharing feelings, reflecting back what you heard without going into a shame spiral, right, getting curious, acknowledging pain on both sides, naming the shared goal, go back, follow all those steps. Another one is to notice. Another practice you could do this week is to notice when you're slipping in to blame or shame. So if you catch yourself, blaming yourself, blaming your partner, shaming yourself, shaming your partner, call it out. You know, I notice I'm getting defensive, or I notice I'm blaming instead of being vulnerable. And then try again. You don't have to be perfect the first time if you actually own it. Boy, does that feel good to somebody. When somebody just says to me, gosh, I notice I'm actually getting into blame instead of being vulnerable. Oh my gosh. So much respect. And the last one I want you to think about really doing is celebrate your attempt, even if things don't go perfectly with this first conversation, even if you mess up halfway through and turn into like a super defensive, like version of yourself, just acknowledge that you tried. You are practicing a new skill, and it may take time, right? This is think about this as a whole new sport. Be patient with yourself, and you will know if you are getting on the same team, you'll know it's working, because these, these are some clues you feel less alone in the struggle, even though nothing has been, quote, unquote fixed, yet, you at least don't feel alone anymore. Your partner's feelings start to actually make sense to you. Instead of feeling like attacks on you, you notice yourself being able to be more curious about their experience and less defensive of your own. You might catch yourself saying things like we instead of you, when talking about the problem, you feel hopeful instead of hopeless. You are both bringing ideas to the table instead of waiting for the other person to change. That's a great Hallmark. Of being on the same team. The conversations may feel hard, but they feel connecting rather than hard and distancing. So there's like a real different flavor of the hard and they actually feel connecting. Another one is you can hear feedback without spiraling into shame. You will know that is really a good clue and that you can share vulnerably without fearing it will be used against you. That is also a hallmark that you are getting on the same team. So getting on the same team is step number one. It doesn't mean the desire gap disappears overnight, but it means that you stop fighting each other and start facing the problem together. And that shift from being adversaries to allies is the foundation for everything else that needs to happen, right? We're talking about sex here. You both need to be doing it together. Not that you can't have a great life with self pleasure, but when we're talking about a partnership and a sexual partnership, it makes a lot of sense, right to be on the same team. You can't solve the desire gap from opposite sides. You just can't. And I know this because I work with a lot of couples who started out as adversaries. I did this myself and people, when you make this shift, you will wind up with better intimacy than ever before, and whether it's one person starting off ready or both people starting off ready to make this shift, the pivotal step is always getting on the same team. So I hope this two part series has helped you, and I look forward to being here to support you shifting your desire gap, getting more and better intimacy than you've ever had, and thanks for being here. Hey. So before you go, I have some more free help for you. If you are okay with sharing your email, I will send you my free guide, five steps to start solving desire differences without blame or shame. This is a practical starting point for individuals and couples. You can opt out of my emails at any time, but I think you'll want to stick around. I am not a spammer. Go get it at www.Laurajurgens.com/libido. Make sure to spell my last name right and the link is in the show notes.