ADHD & Desire Gaps, Part 1: High libido, low libido, or sometimes both

If you have ADHD and your sex life feels challenging, you're not broken - your brain just works differently. Maybe you have super high libido and use sex or masturbation to feel at home in your body. Or maybe your libido is low because sex hasn't been working for your body or you're stuck in your head and you don't know why or how to fix it. Or maybe you're both, depending on the day.

In this episode, we unpack why ADHD creates these extremes - from sex as self-medication to getting stuck in your head during sex to not knowing what your body actually needs. We also cover Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (why "not tonight" feels catastrophic) and emotional dysregulation (the intensity that confuses your partner).

Whether you're the ADHD partner or the non-ADHD partner trying to understand, this episode will help you make sense of what's been happening. No shame, just clarity. First in a 4-part series on ADHD and desire gaps.

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Transcript

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Welcome to the desire gap podcast. I'm your host, Dr Laura Jurgens, and whether you want more sex than your partner or less, you are not wrong, and your relationship isn't doomed. You just need better tools to solve the struggles of mismatched libidos. That's what we do here. So welcome and let's dive in. Hey everyone, welcome to episode 93 so today we are going to start on a multi part series. And I'm really excited about this because I have so many clients with ADHD, or who are partnered with someone with ADHD and or who both have ADHD in their couple. And, you know, I have ADHD, I was a late life diagnosis, and it's just really common. But also, even if you don't have ADHD, there are so many aspects of just humans needing different things that are relevant here, and none of it is bad or wrong when we have different needs for having the most pleasure and the most connection in our lives. There are some specific ways that ADHD can kind of affect and manifest, I would say, and it does differently for everyone, of course, because it's not you the population of those of us with ADHD, we're not uniform. There's so many differences and nuances within even that population. But what I want you to know is that whoever you are, whether you have ADHD or not, whether your partner does or not, knowing more about your specific makeup, your specific needs for intimacy and for relationship can really be super empowering and get you the most pleasure and the most connection possible in this life, which is absolutely what I want for you. So we're going to dive into some of the basics about how ADHD intersects with sexuality and desire, whether you have high libido or low libido, which can both be related to ADHD, or whether you even swing between both, which also happens, this will be helpful for you. So if you have ADHD and your sex life feels complicated, confusing or different from what you think is, quote, unquote normal, that itself is actually really normal, and you are not broken. Your brain just has some different needs. Your body has some different needs, and you probably have some pretty great intimacy superpowers once you understand what those needs are. And if you're partnered with someone with ADHD, this is going to be really illuminating for you too, and help you understand what might be going on that's related to your partner's ADHD for you, and how to kind of not have to over manage it yourself. Many people with ADHD are on both sides of desire gaps, either having higher libido with their partner than their partners, or struggling with desire. And both make perfect, sense when you understand how ADHD and sexuality intersect, because I work with so many people with ADHD, and I myself have it and have been on both sides of the desire gap. I really wanted to bring this episode to you today because there's not a lot of specialists who, first of all, there's not a lot of people who are specialists with desire and arousal, and then on top of that, there's not a lot of people who actually understand how ADHD intersects with those things. So I wanted to make sure to address this in this special series. So today we're just going to start with the basics. We're going to cover why some ADHD folks might be using sex as self medication and have notably high libido, and how that may be challenging in their relationship. We're going to talk about why other folks with ADHD have low libido and give a few of the examples. And we're not going to talk about every possible thing today. In fact, we're not going to cover really, some of the medication impacts. I'm saving that for a later episode, but we are going to get to it. One of the big things that we're going to cover today is how sex might not be working for your body and your mind, and how it's pretty easy to not to be really confused by that, to be trying to do things the way you think is quote, unquote normal, and have it just not work, and then have low libido as a consequence. We're also going to talk a little bit today about emotional dysregulation, the intensity that can affect everything, and how desire gaps feel and. Including rejection sensitive dysphoria. And so if you have experienced the sort of someone says, you know, not tonight, honey, and it feels catastrophic to you, rejection, sensitive dysphoria is a specific ADHD symptom that might be enhancing that experience for you. So we're going to start with all of these emotional and libido basics, so you can see how normal all of it is. And then we're also going to do an episode on the superpowers and the solutions to a lot of these things soon. So number one, I want to talk about the this sort of ADHD paradox of having sex and sexuality be a

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kind of go to self medication,

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and this can lead, for Some ADHD folks, definitely not all, but some to have really notably high sex drive. It's because sex feels like a way to feel at home in your body and to get out of your head. And so if all day long, your brain is really noisy, your body is sort of disconnected, and then during sex, you get to feel really present in your body and really embodied. It can give you a special kind of dopamine hit here, and it can feel really grounding. And that is lovely, right? And it sort of reinforces the goodness of being in your body and allows you that time and space to do that the dopamine hit of an orgasm also can be kind of a self medication for a nervous system that really needs a little bit more stimulation. The ADHD brain is just like all brains really constantly seeking dopamine, but sometimes even a little bit more so with ADHD, and it can become kind of a primary way that you regulate your nervous system. So I've seen a lot of folks with ADHD who are kind of have compulsions around masturbation or compulsions around sex, and on the positive side too, you know the power of hyper focus. It's it can be kind of a superpower for sex, right? You can be incredibly present, and your partner may even experience this as like the most connected you ever are. And it can really be amazing. But there is a shadow side to this too, where if sex becomes your regulation tool, you might be present during sex, but not actually offering a lot of emotional connection the rest of the time, and your partner can wind up feeling like a tool or like a medication rather than an actual person you want to connect with. It's like you want sex, but your partner doesn't feel like you actually want actually want them. And so the pattern can look like you being kind of distant and distracted and not emotionally available all day, and then all of a sudden, you want sex, and your partner just feels like you want their body and not actual intimacy with them as a person, so that can get people into some trouble in their relationship, and I want you to know that no one's wrong here. The non ADHD partner is not wrong for feeling kind of icky about that situation, not wanting to be a tool or a medication if your partner isn't offering actual emotional presence and connection outside the bedroom, their desire for sex can feel hollow and like they want the regulation rather than connection with you, and that is absolutely valid, and we want to really respect that. And at the same time, for ADHD folks, if this is you and sex has become a regulation tool for you, you actually do want your partner, and you do want the connection with this person, even if it's not really feeling like it to them, and it's really important that we help this we help them feel connected the rest of the time, that you help them feel connected. So part of the solution for that, right is that if you're only present during sex and checked out the rest of the time, then that's that is going to affect their experience, and it is fixable, but really having some empathy for the impact of that on your partner is absolutely critical, and absolutely step one, really owning that that's what you might be doing, and looking for ways to set up systems for yourself. You know, because everything is about adapting adaptive systems, set up systems for yourself. To remind you to really emotionally connect with your partner outside of the bedroom in a more regular way. And we can do that. I do that with people all the time in coaching, you may have some ideas of how you can do that for yourself, or you may be able to bring this to say, your ADHD therapist, and brainstorm with them some ideas of how to do that too. But it is really important to empathize with your partner and to understand and take ownership of that pattern, because it's it is a really difficult place to be on the other on the receiving side of that, and for you to continue getting a lot of sex that you really love, and it's not bad. It's not a bad thing to be enjoying embodiment through pleasure at all. That's a wonderful thing, but we want to do it in a way that is connected and does respect your partner as a as a being, rather than just a tool, right? So on the other side, on the flip side, one of the really common things that happen is there's a lot of different aspects of ADHD that can contribute to low libido as well, and that can be direct or indirect. So an indirect for example, would be a medication that causes low libido, and we're going to punt that for a future episode, but that is a reality of the situation, and it's definitely not a death sentence for your sex life either. We're going to talk about solutions for that, but there's a lot of reasons and a lot of things about ADHD that can contribute to low desire, and one of the most common things that's happening is that the sex that you've been getting hasn't been working for your specific body mind pairing, and you don't know how to fix it, because you don't see represented in the world of like porn and media, Which is pretty much all we get, you know, anything that really gives you the proper tools to how to get the sex that you need. And so if you're not getting sex that's working for your body, mind pairing, then over time, you will just stop wanting something that doesn't feel that good or that's not really working for you. So a lot of that problem, then is we need to really help figure out how to increase your pleasure. And one of the problems, one of the core problems, is actual inexperience, being in your body. Many of us, including my former self, spent, spend our whole lives, not in our bodies, like we're physically here, yes, technically, in our bodies, but the experience we're having is really like kind of a disembodied head. We feel like we're living in our heads, not really connected to all of our physical sensations, unless they become inordinately loud, we've learned to ignore our bodies because it's distracting or uncomfortable or it feels like too much is going on, and then all of a sudden during sex, we're supposed to be quote, unquote present in our body, but we don't practice that on a regular basis, and we don't really know how. We don't know what our body likes, needs or wants. We can't really tell what feels good versus what feels meh versus what's uncomfortable, until all of a sudden it gets really loud, specs us in the face, and we're like, ah, not that, not that, right? And so sex becomes this thing that we're sort of trying to do, but not really sure how to get what everybody else was talking about about this. And so, you know, an example a client I had, you know, she was really pretty dissociated from her body for many years. Felt like, you know, living a lot up in her head, and during sex, she could tell kind of what's mechanically happening, but couldn't really access anything other than the sensory discomforts that were distracting her. And she just sort of stopped wanting any sex because it was just a really she couldn't figure out how to get out of her head and how to get out of all those distracting sensory experiences. It just felt like she just didn't like it. She thought she was actually asexual, which didn't wind up being the case, but she didn't know her way into her body. So if you're not getting what your body actually needs, so for example, your specific sensory needs aren't being met, you may not even realize that's the problem. Sex might feel kind of met or uncomfortable, and you may think, I'm just not a sexual person, or there must be something wrong with me, but there. Reality is that you and your body just need specific things to experience pleasure and to you do need some guard rails to avoid some of the sensory issues that might be distracting you from that pleasure. So for example, you might need really firm pressure or intense sensation, and maybe your partner is really gentle and tender, and it just like doesn't work for you, or it's bad, or it is just not stimulating enough.

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You might also find certain touches irritating or overwhelming. You may find lights or sheets or sounds overly distracting, and you may have inadvertently started avoiding sex because of all those things. And so the low libido develops over time, because your body has learned that sex doesn't deliver good sensations, right? It just creates things for you to avoid. Another thing that can happen is that it feels impossible to ask for what you want, because a lot of times you don't know what it is. So you might be sensing something's wrong, but you haven't been able to articulate it. And some people with ADHD, not everybody, I'm like, hyper verbal, which is why I do a podcast. Some people with ADHD brains have a hard time translating their internal experience into words, and so we may need to find other ways than words for you to talk about what you want, demonstration. So I just did this with a couple the last few months, we worked on one person was really non verbal in expressing what she liked and she but when we played with it, and when we practiced in my office, it was she could tell yes or no on certain types of touches, but she hadn't really figured that out at a granular level in order to communicate it to her partner before, and he would constantly be asking her for words to direct him, and she didn't have words, and it just shut her down, and she kind of melted down. So those kinds of you know your partner might be willing to try things, but you don't know how to tell them what to try, right? That's another common system situation with certain types of ADHD brains. Another one is getting stuck in your head during sex, right? You got a constant tasks lists, you got random thoughts, you got analysis. And I know all about this one, and during sex, it can be really hard to turn your brain off enough to be present in your body. And you might be, you know, might sound like like, is this? Does this actually feel good? Am I doing this right? Is my partner bored? Did I send that email? What are we having for dinner? Did I finish the thing I needed to finish before? And then all of a sudden, the stuff that you forgot comes to the surface. Your Your body is like trying to have sex, but you're not actually experiencing any pleasure, because the whole thing is just you're just stuck in your head. Your brain is just spinning right? And it's really hard to sink into sensation. It's kind of exhausting. Doesn't really feel like pleasure, right? And so in all these cases, your libido is dropping because the sex isn't actually working for you. It doesn't mean that you don't want sex. It just doesn't mean. It just means that you don't want that type of sex where this is your experience, and your libido is actually appropriately responding to unsatisfying experiences doesn't mean your partner has been doing anything wrong or that you've been doing anything wrong right. It's just that the type of sex you were set up for by society not teaching you exploration play that works for you isn't working for your ADHD body and brain. So in all those cases, we got to get real specific about what is it that really works for you? What is it that really doesn't work for you? You know, Emily nagoski Has the metaphor of brakes and gas pedals, and I use that all the time. I love that you're going to have a lot of brakes, and you may have a whole list of sensory breaks. Well, you need to know exactly what they are, and we need to be able to communicate them with your partner and set things up in a way that works for you. You're also going to have your own unique gas pedals, and what really helps you, and some of those things might be specific techniques to help you get out of your head and into your body. I do a lot of that type of work with people, but just know that for you, you're going to have real specific needs, and that's okay. But it doesn't mean that, like there's something wrong with you, your libido is actually working really correctly, to tell you that this type of experience hasn't been doing it for you. So another thing I want to throw out there is one of the things that can happen is initiation paralysis. So this is where you actually might want some sex. You actually are having some spontaneous desire. And a lot of people with ADHD actually don't experience a lot of spontaneous desire. They tend to be more on the responsive side of things, where they need to really have it planned ahead so that they can prepare and get themselves turned on enough, or they need to play with their partner enough and have a lot of foreplay to really, like, build up that responsive desire. But there are some folks who do have some spontaneous desire, but then get stuck with executive dysfunction, where you don't know how to initiate, and it looks like, kind of like, I think I'm horny, but I don't, I can't get myself to figure I can't make a choice of how I'm going to approach my partner about this, and so I just don't right. So that can happen also, and that is also related to ADHD, and it is also solvable. Unfortunately, a lot of people are living with massive shame around all of this that is totally unnecessary, thinking that they're supposed to be different than they are. Thinking something is wrong with them, and none of that is actually true. You are made in just the right way. There is nothing that is wrong with you. You just have to figure you out and figure out your particular puzzle piece. What shape is your puzzle piece? And it is not going to look like porn in the media. Those are entertainment, and they only depict a very small, small, tiny, little portion, less than 1% I would say, of how people actually operate in sex in the real world, so please don't compare yourself to any of those things. Please don't expect yourself to be like responsive in the same way as a porn star. There is nothing wrong with you. You may have specific needs, and that's 100% okay. And in fact, it's wonderful once we figure out what they are, but sometimes the shame has shut you down, or the experience of like not really getting sex that really feels great to you has shut you down, and it can look to your partner like disinterest or avoidance or even rejection, and Your partner might think you don't want them, when actually you just haven't. Your body hasn't learned yet that sex can be really great for you, because you haven't been getting the kind you need to work with your particular makeup. So and if you're in the non ADHD partner, if you are partnered with someone with someone with ADHD, but you don't have it yourself, or you have a different kind this isn't a rejection of you. Your partner's body, just literally needs to learn that it can feel really good for them and relaxing, and that they can get out of their head, and once they figure out what their body needs, it can really shift everything dramatically. Okay, so let's also talk a little bit about rejection, sensitive dysphoria. So if you don't know what that is, RSD, it is a heightened emotional response to perceived rejection, and it's not just sensitivity. It's actually like an overwhelming, almost like physical or visceral pain that is really flooding, in a lot of cases, in response to a

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perceived rejection.

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And it is a common but not universal symptom of ADHD in a sexual context, it is really super challenging, and in no way do I want to minimize this. This is really intense for people, and because you are in your highest stakes relationship, your close, intimate partnership, especially if you've been partnered with somebody for a while and you really love them, and it's not a casual connection. Then this sort of like, I'm not there right now. I don't really feel like having sex with you tonight. That can doesn't just feel like a normal No, that doesn't just feel like, Oh, my partner's just not there right now, or they've had a busy day. Or, you know, is there some other way we can connect? Right? Like it doesn't feel just like what it is, which is just as understandable normal, not right now. It feels. Like proof that you are unlovable, too much fundamentally broken. It feels dramatically bad. And so our partner is sort of like, no, I'm too tired right now. Gets interpreted if you have RSD as I don't want you, You're disgusting. Something's wrong with you. And look, you don't have to have ADHD to have that be the case. This does happen for people without ADHD, but it's just a very common symptom that goes with ADHD, and so it can really worsen and intensify relationship conflicts around desire gaps, because what happens is then your partner starts walking on absolute eggshells. They're confused by the intensity of your reaction. They feel like it's not okay for them to say no. They all of a sudden don't feel safe saying no in their partnership, because you are sort of absolute, you are losing it and shutting down, and it can really impact your partner also. So what happens, you know, the partner, like one partner says, you know, I have a headache. Can we do this tomorrow? The ADHD partner hears, I don't want you, and totally spirals, and then withdrawals emotionally for potentially days, and the partner feels punished for not wanting sex in that moment and for just having a headache, and then both people wind up confused and hurt, right? So this is really important to understand, if this is going on, what's happening. Everyone's feelings here are valid and the intensity is real, but you need really good tools to manage this, so that you can enable your partner to be a human being who sometimes doesn't want to have sex and say no without triggering a crisis for you, and if it's you, so that you can have say no, also without spiraling into shame too. So this is really important to just call out, get familiar if this might be going on in your relationship, and you probably are going to need some help to work through it. Relatedly, RSD is just one piece of the emotional dysregulation that can come with ADHD. So a lot of people who have ADHD, their emotions feel really loud across the board, and we can get frustrated if something doesn't work quickly, we can get really frustrated and have like emotional swings. We can go from aroused to shut down in just a few seconds. And so it's really important if you do have a lot of volatility associated with your particular flavor of ADHD, that you are getting some help with that. Because it doesn't mean there's anything you know, you're not trying to be dramatic, you're not trying to be manipulative, but it is going to impact and worsen any place where you and your partner have anything that's not perfectly aligned, right? It's in a desire gap. It's going to really impact that. So it's important to have a lot of regulation tools, and we're going to talk about those in an upcoming episode. But for you to go to your ADHD resources and make sure you are applying them in a desire gap situation so that you're not escalating the situation because of your emotional dysregulation. Okay, so today we just covered some of the basics around how and why ADHD can cause high libido or low libido. We talked a little bit also about emotional dysregulation and RSD. And in the next episode in this series, we are going to dive into how the ADHD brain sort of influences the experience of sex itself, both in terms of sensory issues and sort of task list brain novelty needs, time blindness, and also, we're really going to focus on what you can do about it, how to kind of map your sensory needs with sex, how to stay present and how to work with your brain instead of against it. In that's going to be Episode Two in the series that I'm going to put out this fall and winter. In episode three, we're going to talk about the practical stuff, like medication, sleep issues, timing of sex, which can be really important, and how ADHD behaviors outside the bedroom can actually kill desire inside the bedroom, and how to solve that. And then I'm going to bring in an ADHD episode expert who is going to help me for episode four talk about comprehensive tools for covering these strategies, and I'm going to be sprinkling these episodes over the next few months. So stay tuned for all that. And if you are a person with ADHD or partnered with one, and you have a specific question that doesn't sound like I'm going. An address. I want you to email me and let me know, because I want to include it. And you can find my contact information on my website, which is linked in the show notes. But before we close, I want to just invite you, because I love exercises, and I think it's one thing to listen to a podcast. I think it's great. I so appreciate your time being here. I'm so glad you were here, because another thing to let the rubber hit the road and actually implement by doing a little bit of reflection on how this applies to you. So if any of this applies to you, if you have ADHD yourself, or you're partnered with someone, want to give you a couple reflection questions, open a journal, grab a pen, if you have ADHD, think about which of these patterns may be showing up for you and when high libido, low libido, sex is working for your body. Maybe sex isn't working for your body. When you think about your sexual experiences, do you feel like you're actually present in your body, or are you in your head? And do you know what your body needs to experience pleasure, and can you articulate it? And I want you to reflect on where emotional intensity and RSD might be showing up around sex for you if you are partnered with someone with ADHD, think about what how you feel. Do you feel like your partner wants connection with you? Do you sometimes feel like you might be more of a tool for self regulation? Do you feel like you might be walking on eggshells ever What do you need in terms of support? What do you need for outside support? And what do you need from your partner in order to feel more connected? And get really specific, like actually come up with things that they could do or say to you to help you feel more connected, if you feel kind of like they might be checked out and not present with you. And then think for both of you, what do you want to talk about your partner with? You know, in all of these just right? Don't censor yourself. Just let it be for you in your journal. You don't have to act on any of it right now, but just use it as a reflection. All right, my dears. So if you if this resonated with you, if you have low libido and ADHD, or high libido and ADHD, or you're partnered with somebody who does, you know, I hope this has helped you understand that it's not strange, it's not weird, but it might be related to your ADHD and just need to be worked with in specific ways. Thank you so much for being here and for spending time with me. I hope it's been helpful, and I'll see you next week. Hey, so before you go, I have some more free help for you. If you are okay with sharing your email, I will send you my free guide, five steps to start solving desire differences without blame or shame. This is a practical starting point for individuals and couples. You can opt out of my emails at any time, but I think you'll want to stick around. I am not a spammer. Go get it at www.Laurajurgens.com/libido. Make sure to spell my last name right and the link is in the show notes.