Your brain is keeping you stuck in a desire gap (here's how to override it)

You know your desire discrepancy is a problem. You've known for months, maybe years. So why haven't you done anything about it? It's not laziness or lack of care—it's your brain doing exactly what evolution designed it to do. Here's how to override it. 

This episode helps you understand the neuroscience of "the comfortable pain trap," the real cost of waiting, and how to override your brain's resistance. Whether you're higher-desire or lower-desire, this episode will help you finally take action. 

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Transcript

0:01  
Laura, welcome to the desire gap podcast. I'm your host, Dr Laura Jurgens, and whether you want more sex than your partner or less, you are not wrong, and your relationship isn't doomed. You just need better tools to solve the struggles of mismatched libidos. That's what we do here. So welcome and let's dive in. Hey everyone, welcome to today's episode. I am really glad that you were here, and we are going to talk about something super important, which is why you haven't fixed your sex life yet, and why that's actually about to change. So I want to start with a pattern that I see all the time. A couple knows their sex life isn't working. They've known for months, or maybe even years, and they might talk about getting help, sometimes with other people, sometimes with each other, and they say, you know, we really should do something about this. And then they don't. They stay stuck in this kind of comfortable pain trap. That's what I call it. It's the pain you know, rather than the discomfort of the unknown, right? That discomfort of change that humans are, unfortunately, really avoidant about.

1:30  
And if this is you look, it's all of us as it relates to some things. It is all of us at some point, and it's pretty much everybody with a desired discrepancy in their relationship at some point. So there is zero shame in it. Your brain is actually doing exactly what it's designed to do. Evolution wired us to avoid the unknown,

1:56  
and it's normal and it's natural, but it's also exactly what keeps us stuck? So today we're going to talk about how to get unstuck. We're going to talk about the real cost of inaction to help your brain ease its way into really understanding the balance sheet here, because usually what's happening when we are stuck is we're really not properly calculating the costs to ourselves. And we're going to talk about why our brains resist change even when we desperately want it, and how to override that resistance if you want to. And so pro tip, this really applies to anything you're avoiding and changing in your life, but because we're podcast all about desire gaps, we're going to talk about it in this context,

2:47  
and I'm going to be really direct with you today, as I always am, because I have so much respect and love for you. I know what it's like to be on both sides of this issue. I also know what it's like to be stuck with all kinds of other habits and patterns that I am avoiding. Changing

3:09  
and staying stuck is a tendency of all humans, right, not just you. So I want to help you take control of the process of getting unstuck for yourself so that you can be the director of your life and not just a victim of default brain evolution. And when I when somebody did this for me,

3:30  
around a lot of issues that I had, especially my first foray into coaching, which was around my extreme negative self talk that was causing me massive depression. It was such a gift when I got this sort of I mean, you can think about it as tough love, but I actually think it's just love, love.

3:54  
So welcome. I am glad you're here and we are going to help you take the reins of your brain so that you can make choices rather than stay stuck in the comfortable pain trap. All right. Okay, so here's the deal.

4:12  
One thing you need to know is what actually happens when you don't take action on this.

4:20  
And I think some of the things that we also have to really acknowledge that there's some real fears here about the change, about potentially changing from the comfortable pain trap. And I mean, it's not comfortable, right? It's really uncomfortable. I know that the pain of desire discrepancies, where you feel distant from your partner, you feel like you're really not getting what the relationship that you want. You're really feeling uncomfortable or pressured or rejected, and none of that is comfortable, right? It is. It is really painful, and it is really painful to contemplate. Maybe this isn't the right relationship for you.

5:00  
To, maybe, you know, a lot of times that's what people go to right their default brains go to like, maybe I need to get out of this. And, in fact, it's a leading cause of divorce. We're going to get to that later, but, or maybe I'm just not set up for maybe I'm not built for relationship, maybe I'm broken all that stuff. None of that is true. None of that is true, but it's really easy to feel worried about that when you're in this position. So I know the pain isn't actually comfortable, but there's a reason that you're not taking action, and a lot of times it's either because, well, there's a lot of this default brain stuff we're going to talk about today, but there's also the idea that if you're the low libido partner, there's this misunderstanding that taking action to solve the desired discrepancy problem with your partner somehow means just pressuring yourself into having more obligation sex. And that is absolutely not true. That is absolutely not a good way to go forward. It will not help in the long run, and it is not how we solve this. So that's that's not what we're doing here.

6:13  
Coaching is not about pushing you to do something you don't want to do at all, and just because you don't see the path forward doesn't mean I don't see the path forward for you, and doesn't mean that when you're not in the soup of it, you can't see the path forward. So we need to have a conversation. Figure out what you need and what both of you need to help you unblock your connection together and move forward in a way that feels good and within both of your boundaries, right? So don't assume, please, don't assume, that what I mean by solving and getting moving on this issue means pushing a person into doing something that they don't want to do that is not the solution. Okay? So that said, I want to start what happened with what happens when we just avoid the topic altogether.

7:10  
And here's what I've learned after years of working with people on desire discrepancies in their relationships, they do not resolve on their own. They just don't they don't resolve on their own, and I wish I could tell you that they do, but that would be a lie

7:27  
without intervention.

7:30  
They tend to follow a very predictable path, so the first stage one is awkwardness.

7:38  
Sex becomes uncomfortable to talk about someone stops initiating to avoid rejection, the other person might feel relief, but also guilt.

7:48  
You start avoiding the conversations.

7:53  
Both of you know something's wrong, but neither of you is addressing it directly in a way that is actually non defensive and able to be heard by the other person in a constructive way. All right. Stage two resentment builds. The higher libido partner feels rejected, unwanted, usually angry, frustrated. The lower libido partner typically feels pressured, guilty and like they are failing their partner, like they are some sort of disappointment. This really sucks for everyone. Small annoyances outside the bedroom become really big deals. You notice that you start sort of getting snippy about things. You start keeping score like, we haven't had sex in three weeks. And you're like, you know exactly how long it's been, or it's something like, they asked again, that's the fourth time this week, right? And you keep score, and then you oftentimes will, this is the stage where we a lot of times we see complaining to other people, right? Emotional connection starts to really fray here in stage three, the distance creates a chasm. You stop trying to connect at all. Conversations become transactional. About logistics, kids or bills. You really feel like roommates, affection pretty much disappears. It's not just sex, but, you know, touch, closeness, vulnerability, that's not really happening anymore. You start feeling like you're living parallel lives in the same house, and some people have affairs at this stage looking for connection elsewhere. That is, again, not to say being dishonest to your partner is a

9:37  
reasonable response, necessarily, but that's something that often happens at this stage. Stage four, contempt sets in. This is a real danger zone. They're all danger zones, but this is like you're getting. This is pretty serious. You're looking at your partner with disdain. There might be actual obvious.

10:00  
Disdain, like passive aggressiveness, like eye rolls and sarcasm and dismissiveness, you've built a story about who they are, like they only care about sex, or they're broken or they don't even try.

10:12  
And the thing is, you know, John gottman's research really does show that contempt is the number one predictor of divorce, so at this stage repair is much harder when you're in contempt, and stage five is typically divorce if you're married, or resignation, so either the relationship ends or you resign yourself to a distant marriage where neither of you are happy. Both options are incredibly painful, and both could have been prevented. Some couples actually speed through all five stages, and some take 30 years to get through all five stages, but without intervention, this is the predictable path, and the couples who sort of just wait a little longer or will fix it, later

11:02  
find themselves facing much deeper damage that's actually harder and more expensive to repair, and

11:10  
really the best time to address your desire, discrepancy, challenges, the pain of what's going on for the two of you is now. I mean, the ideal time would have been beforehand, right before now, but now is the right time, not after the holidays, not when work calms down, not when the kids are older, not when you know you have, like, a bigger nest egg or something, prioritizing it Now, because the longer you wait, the more damage accumulates, and resentment becomes harder to undo. It takes a lot longer distance becomes harder to bridge, and contempt is incredibly challenging to let go of once you get to that point, early intervention is so much easier than late stage repair and so much more fun when we catch it early. We can clear out the resentments really quickly. We can actually start playing together and really finding the

12:15  
like, finding the core of what brought you together in the first place, right bringing you back to this exploratory sort of teenage land that's really fun for both people, connecting in a way that you never have before and the way that you've never connected to yourself, understanding your own desires and understanding your partner in a way you've never understood understood them.

12:40  
And what you learn through that process will transform not just your sex life, but your whole life. You will have confidence in so many areas, and you'll be comfortable with real intimacy and vulnerability, and you'll be modeling that for people around you and your children if you have them, it's really empowering and wonderful. So why do we avoid it, right? Why do we avoid that beautiful process of solving this really painful situation in the most important relationship in your life?

13:15  
And there's a lot of reasons that are based on just default human brain evolution. Why we avoid we're going to talk about those in a minute. First. We're actually also going to talk about the real cost of avoidance, and this is money, because our brains need to know. A lot of times they don't understand the financial reality and they're thinking, I'm going to have to make an investment of time, effort and money in order to change this thing. I also don't like I'm a brain. I don't like change, and I don't like investing resources. So if they don't understand the cost of inaction, it can be really tempting to stay stuck, but the financial reality is that the average cost of a contested divorce in the US is 30 to $40,000

14:08  
for a couple, and complex cases cost much more. This does not include the cost of splitting assets or additional legal fees if things get really ugly, and the real truth is that sexual dissatisfaction and intimacy challenges contribute to the majority of divorces in the US also. Now those of you with low libido, do not read this as you should be having obligation sex in order to not get divorced. Please do not hear it that way having sex out of fear or obligation will make everything worse. What I'm saying is get help. Get help so you can have joy and connection for both of you, not so you can capitulate to someone else's desire for frequency. It's not about frequency, it's about quality and.

15:00  
The genuine enjoyment of all the physical pleasure that your body is capable of offering you in this life, not doing stuff that you don't want to do. It's about finding what you do want to do and turning that knob up. So I just want you to compare that divorce cost 30 to $40,000

15:21  
for the cost of intervention. So coaching with someone like me, yes, does cost a few $1,000 usually less than a quarter of the cost of a divorce,

15:32  
and you actually get a massive return in joy as well. And I know coaching isn't accessible to everyone financially, I know that a few $1,000 sounds like a lot to some people. I totally get that, and I have absolutely been there if that is your situation. Right now, my free guide that you can find how to get at the end of the episode is a great place to start. This podcast is a great place to start. This is episode 94 there are a ton of episodes here that will help you, and there are books and resources that can help too. But if you can make this investment in coaching, it is a fraction of the cost. If you are even thinking that you might have to contemplate divorce,

16:17  
or thinking that you might just have like live with this pain, right? You don't have to live with this pain. And coaching is a very effective way to create structure and actually help you get through the process of solving this a lot faster. It's not the only way, but it is definitely, in my experience, the best way. And most people make this I have this weird idea that whatever problem they have in our relationship now with our current partner, they are somehow not going to take into the future relationship with another person. And it's total bullshit, because I promise we humans always take our baggage with us. Whatever patterns going on another person is not necessarily the answer or going to fix it, so even and even if you decide ultimately that you aren't compatible, having a non contentious divorce without resentment. I've helped people do this, and it is a beautiful thing. And the emotional cost money isn't even the biggest cost, but the emotional cost of waiting is years of pain and discomfort, oftentimes, damage to our self esteem, damage to our partner, modeling a disconnected relationship for our kids, if we have them lost years of intimacy and just like feeling good about ourselves that we can't get back and real grief at realizing we could have fixed this years ago, I've had clients streaming tears on my couch about having not found me earlier, because after a few weeks, they felt so much better that they were in tears that they had not found me earlier, and I really feel for them. I'm absolutely overjoyed at the progress they're making now, but I understand that grief

18:10  
every year we wait is a year of potential joy, pleasure and intimacy that we're missing, and that just sucks, and it's just wild, right? That people will tolerate years of pain in their relationships, but won't tolerate a few minutes of the discomfort of doing something new to book a consultation call, like a free consultation call, the five minutes it takes to go to my website and book it is like our brains freeze and are too intimidated to do something new, right? Or with another practitioner, right? It doesn't have to be with me. We would rather stay our brains. Want us to stay in familiar misery rather than risk unfamiliar action. And it's definitely not a character flaw. It's just how humans are built. So we're going to talk about that all right. What is happening with why our brains keep us stuck? And here's the deal. I know, you want to fix your relationship. You want your sex life to get better. You want to feel connected to your partner. Why are we not taking action? It's not laziness, it's not lack of motivation, and it's not that you don't care enough. It's literally your brain and body doing exactly what they're designed to do. Your brain and your nervous system are wired to resist change. So

19:31  
think of it this way, your current patterns, even the painful ones, they run on autopilot. They're like super highways in your brain. They're easy, they're fast, they're efficient. This is sometimes why I head down the wrong road when I'm driving somewhere new, right? My brain just defaults to the familiar route, because that's what brains do.

19:53  
And change requires building new neural pathways the first time we do something new, it's not a superhighway.

20:00  
It's like bushwhacking through the forest. It's really hard, and it takes effort and energy, so our brains literally prefer familiar pain over unfamiliar action because it's more energy efficient. I know it's crazy, but it's true. Here's what else is happening.

20:17  
Your brain's primary job is survival, and it categorizes change as potential threat. So when you think about calling a coach, reaching out for help, even having a hard conversation, your amygdala, your internal alarm system, is literally saying danger,

20:36  
and it's releasing fear hormones. You might feel anxious, you might procrastinate, you find reasons not to act right? It's an internal conflict happening because the front of our brains, our prefrontal cortex, is like the adult in the room. It it can plan, it can make decisions, it can think about the future, and it's saying we should really get some help. But deep in our brain, we have parts that manage habits and automatic behaviors. They prefer routine and safety of the known, even if the known is no fun, and that is popping off a bunch of thoughts like, what if it doesn't work, what if it's awkward, what if it's a waste of money and Okay, right? When those parts are in conflict, the habit based part typically wins, because it's older faster, and it's connected to our fear response, right? So our brains also don't cope well. When the outcomes aren't clear, right? The uncertainty itself is part of what makes us uncomfortable. What if it doesn't work?

21:47  
What if you try and and can't change and then feel bad about yourself? And that's the thing at the end of the day, all humans are ever afraid of is having feelings that we don't like like, we're literally, that's all we're afraid of, is feelings if you're dead, you're dead, and you're not having any feelings if you're not dead, the fear is that you're going to have some feelings that you don't like, and at the end of the day, you're going to have negative feelings, whether you do something or don't do something, right? Because negative feelings are part of life, so our brains are really trying to avoid those feelings, but we're going to have negative feelings anyway. So we have to decide whether we want to have negative feelings in the service that discomfort in the service of our future self, in the service of change, and not staying stuck and actually having the life that we want and the connection that we want, or if we just want to have the negative feelings of avoidance

22:50  
and our current comfortable. Or maybe it's not so comfortable, but it's known pain, the known pain, right? And here's the other crazy thing, and it really helps, is if you tell yourself you're going to shame yourself in the future, you will avoid whatever that thing is that might lead to shame. But if you tell yourself, if you make a pact with yourself, that no matter what happens, you are going to be proud of yourself for diving in and trying. You are going to be proud of yourself for just booking the call and talking to someone, even if they, even if you don't feel like they're going to be a good fit to help, right, even if you decide you don't want to do it, you're going to be proud of yourself for just trying. If you do that, it will make it so much easier to do it because you are promising yourself that you're not going to indulge in those negative feelings of shame and blaming yourself that you're so scared of.

23:49  
So that's an important brain hack. Keep that one in your pocket. Always plan to applaud yourself for trying,

23:58  
try with something small first, and I promise it'll work like maybe flossing your teeth or something, right? Tell yourself you're going to floss your teeth today, and you're going to be really proud of yourself for just picking up the flosser and doing it and even trying to do it, even if you only get through half a tooth.

24:15  
Here's what I really want you to understand, that known or comfortable pain trap, the pain of disconnection in your relationship is real and sometimes substantial, but because it's familiar, it feels safer than unfamiliar action, and that's what keeps people stuck so you're not broken, you're not weak, you're not uncommitted, you're just following an evolutionary default. That's what kept our ancestors alive, right, avoiding the unknown, in a lot of cases, until they were pushed to until they had to. But for us, it's not helping. It's keeping us stuck. We know from all the research, the biggest predictor of happiness in life is the strength and connectedness of our most intimate relationships.

25:00  
So if you're pursuing happiness in all kinds of other directions, but avoiding this, this is the core thing. It's important to know that. So we're going to talk next about how to get unstuck. And there's really good news here.

25:16  
Coaching is actually exactly what you do to help override your brain's resistance. That's why I do coaching. That's why I have coaches that help me.

25:25  
Our brains can change. It's called neuroplasticity, and it's our brain's ability to rewire itself throughout our life, and coaching is specifically designed to work with your brain to override that resistance, to change that is getting in your way.

25:42  
So here's how

25:44  
the first thing is that coaching creates a safe, non judgmental space. Remember how the brain interprets change as a threat. When you feel threatened, the thinking part the prefrontal cortex, literally shuts down.

25:58  
You cannot think clearly. When you are in Fight, Flight activation when you are fear, in fear, right? So it's really important that coaching provides a safe environment that helps keep the thinking part of your brain online. We are not going to actually push you way out of your comfort zone. That is actually totally counterproductive. So it's really important, whatever you do, to try to address your desire discrepancy, that you're not just pushing one of you, or both of you out of your comfort zone. You want to work right at the growing edge, right at the growing edge, really gently with support, not just because it feels nice, though it does, because you literally need that sense of safety to be able to learn and change.

26:44  
And second, coaching directs your focused attention, so without a coach, your attention is going to naturally go to the problem. Everybody's brain has a, what's called a negativity bias. We all have it. Some of us learn to kind of work with it, override it, notice it, pat it on the head, send it's on its way. But we definitely all have it. It is built in our ancestors, who were paranoid as fuck about that rustling in the bush every single time it wrestles. It's a fucking lion. They did, actually, over time, survive just a little bit better than the people who are like, Nah, it's a breeze. It's totally cool, right? We have a negativity bias to think the worst and to focus hyper focus on problems. So coaching helps you direct your attention to new possibilities, to the desired changes in how you communicate, in how you approach yourself, in the patience that you offer yourself and your partner, in your in changing your interest from avoidance to exploration, from judgment to curiosity, right? Is really helpful to have a coach who also respects your real you, who you are, and is curious and interested in who you are as a person and what makes you tick, so that you don't see everything about you as if it's some sort of problem, because I promise you, it's not right. You want someone to help you see the positive, and that focused attention from someone else helps you create and stabilize those new neural pathways. And you we literally like, I can't do this on my own. I teach people to self coach. I self coach all the time. It helps a lot, but I always run up against my human brain, and that's why I also get help. Thank God. Shout out to my business coach, Karen Gillan. I'm not my first coach. Talk about that maybe, if we get to it, but it's really helpful to have someone else providing the guardrails from your your catastrophizing negativity brain, all right. And third, coaching provides accountability and structure, so our brains need repetition to build those new neural pathways of how we approach ourselves, how we do relationship, how we think about intimacy, how we even connect with our own bodies and our own pleasure. But our defaults want to pull us back to old patterns, and a coach will help you stay on track, even when your nervous system wants to retreat into familiar territory, like anxiety avoidance, blame defensiveness, all that stuff. A coach will help you provide the structure to stay in your new neural pathways and not backslide. And we break the process down into very small, manageable steps to stay right at your growing edge so that you are not outside the structure, pushing into discomfort and feeling unsafe

29:58  
without that kind of structure.

30:00  
Sure. What happens is our brains want results like if we decide we're going to change, we want to have done it yesterday, right? This is pretty much the true for everybody.

30:11  
We always bite off way more than we can chew. We see, and you'll see it like every January 1, right? With the people who want to be ripped by the end of the month. And

30:21  
when they don't get immediate results, they quit

30:24  
every time. Every gym I've ever belonged to, January 1, we get, like this whole new crop of people, and literally, by the second week, most of them are gone. They didn't see immediate results right away. They didn't have the patience to stick with a new habit that was different. All their brains default kicked in, and they didn't know it. They just thought that was reality. They just thought that was their truth. They didn't realize they were just following a predictable pattern based on eons of human evolution, right? So what we really need for sustainable change is to break things into small steps, have support and allow gradual change that actually lasts. Not expect everything to be done in one fell swoop. And for intimacy and relationship issues, specifically, I will say that for me, from my perspective, you also need somatic coaching, which works with your body and not just your mind. And I think that's true for a lot of issues, actually, but it's really important for intimacy, because our prior experiences are not just stored in our mind, they're stored in our body. And relational traumas are stored in our body. Our body remembers things that our mind has forgotten, rejection, pressure,

31:42  
feeling like our only value is as a sexual object, disconnections from childhood, misattunements,

31:49  
our nervous system remembers all of that. Our body holds it, and it can really be a part of why and how we approach intimacy the way we do, and we need to get curious about those things in our body, not just in our mind, in order to really feel into what our full potential is for connection in this life. Sex is an embodied experience, right? We need to work with the body to help it release patterns of deep, bracing, right pattern, protective patterns that made a lot of sense, maybe years ago, but maybe don't make so much sense to us now. Aren't helping us. Aren't helping us relax into pleasure, and we can't do that if our body is tightened around human interaction or bracing against rejection or abandonment,

32:39  
and I know a lot of you will probably want to go it alone. I totally get it. I was a go it alone person myself, and I'm really glad that I stopped,

32:50  
because actually learning to reach out for help has connected me with humans who feel safe and are brilliantly able to help me see what I can't see has allowed me to experience really deep joy and acceptance that I never thought possible. And we can't see our own blind spots. So when you're inside the system, you actually need an outside perspective. Our brains will always pull us back to familiar territory. You need someone who can see what you can't, who can help you interact patterns you don't even know you're running, and who can help you regulate your nervous system when you're tempted to shut down or run away.

33:30  
Okay, so that's not a weakness, right? Elite athletes have coaches. CEOs have coaches. I have coaches. I really suggest getting a coach too. Whether that's me or someone else, is 100% up to you, and you don't have to work with me. Specifically, it helps to work with someone. So let's just talk about how you find the right help. So if your primary issue is intimacy, desire discrepancies, relational dynamics in your romantic connections, and you want somatic, body based approaches as well as mindset and communication support. That might be me, that's definitely what I do. If you want someone who is direct and won't let you stay stuck, you want active coaching to make change, not just therapy, to talk about it for what you know years, that's me. But if your primary issue is something different, maybe your actual primary issue is something like addiction or unemployment or a kid with special needs, and this isn't the top of your list right now, or if you just connect better with someone else who has a different approach, that's 100%

34:39  
okay, there are many good coaches out there, and yes, there are some who are not great. Just like any profession, you have to decide for yourself whether someone's the right fit. So I really suggest asking a lot of questions, checking in with your gut, getting a sense of whether you feel like you could actually trust this person. I have had a couple bad coaches.

35:00  
Coaches, and I've learned to be really discerning, but I haven't decided not to get coaching because of that. I kept looking for the right fit, and it's been awesome. And frankly, I really only want to coach people who I'm the right fit for, getting my clients results that bring them harmony and joy is a really big part of why I do the work I do. So it's important to me that I'm the right fit, and a good coach will feel that way, and you will be able to tell that from them when you talk to them. So here are some hot tips for finding the right fit. I want you to ask yourself, What's my biggest pain point right now? If it's primarily intimacy, relationship pain, that might be me, if it's something else, find a different specialist. There's a ton of great coaches out there, but please don't stay stuck because you can't find you know who you think is the quote, unquote perfect helper. You can always change people if it's not working.

35:59  
Also be really sure to look for someone who isn't promising massive changes with very little support. So I suggest being very careful of hands off online classes or membership programs where you never talk to the person, even if the person is famous for relationship and sexuality issues, you are going to need hands on support. I guarantee it, if you are looking for someone who's really hands off, it's a kind of a clue that you might be really worried about talking vulnerably about your issue, and that's not going to be helpful.

36:39  
So think about

36:43  
whether, because you need to be able to talk vulnerably in order to solve this issue, it's actually part of being able to solve this issue. So, so if you are scared to talk vulnerably to somebody about it, and you want to avoid doing that by taking sort of impersonal like online classes from some whoever,

37:05  
or some sort of like membership program where you don't get a lot of hands on. I want you to see that as a red flag and an invitation to actually challenge yourself on that you want someone who creates non judgmental safe space so that you can learn how to talk vulnerably, and who will support you doing so. But you also want someone who's going to be able to kindly push you at your growing edge, right, and make sure they have a method, and not just sort of, like, you know, some, some sort of grand promise, but like, they can't explain how it gets, how to get you there.

37:39  
And so let's be real about investment. Yes, it will cost some money. A good coach is not cheap, and they shouldn't be. They should not be cheap, right? Do not let your brain use that as some sort of excuse to avoid change because you think that like you shouldn't invest in yourself, or it's selfish to invest in yourself, or like it's fine to buy a designer a handbag or have a $40,000 divorce, but like, not invest in actually changing the relationship before it gets to that point. Like, don't let your brain do that to you. Quality coaching is an investment in the years of connection and intimacy you'd otherwise lose. Is it in your happiness it is going to have, I mean, it should have the same priority, or a higher priority than, you know, car maintenance and vacations and home repairs and stuff like that, right? This is your relationship

38:32  
when you walk away from good coaching when you graduate, which you will, it's not like therapy. I don't want to see somebody for 30 years. You will graduate, you will have incredible confidence compared to where you started. You will have an deep self knowledge compared to where you started. You will have a menu of intimate options that work for both you and your partner. You will have better quality sex than you ever thought was possible. And you will have a relationship where both partners feel seen, heard and valued, and know how to handle challenging times together. That's what's possible. It is incredibly joyful to be in that place.

39:12  
So I know this has been a lot, and if you're thinking, yes, all this makes sense, we totally need help, but maybe we should think about it more. Maybe after the holidays, maybe we're not that bad yet. I just want to go back and remind you, okay, there's my brain trying to keep me safe, right? It's not a personal failing, it's just my neuroscience. And I want to challenge you to create a positive future vision and really reflect deeply what would it feel like to have an intimate life that works for both of you, to have a sex life that feels great to you. What would it feel like to feel free to say yes or no based on what your body actually wants in the moment with no gain?

40:00  
Guilt. What would it feel like to feel like you could talk easily with your partner about whatever is happening for you and your body and your sex drive with no risk of conflict that would just blow out of proportion, right? What would it feel like to have that be your relationship.

40:25  
What would change in your life if you solved this? Imagine how it would feel. I want you to let yourself imagine that and then take the smallest possible step forward. You do not have to fix your entire sex life as the next step that is not realistic, right? Just reach out to one person who might be able to help book one call, send one email, right? Ask me one question. You can email me Laura at Laura jurgens.com ask me one question. You are not committing to anything, right? Just take one small action, and I really want to challenge you to act before you feel ready, because we never feel completely ready for change. We always will find reasons to wait. That is our brain's job, right? Action actually creates readiness, not the other way around. Seriously, you take action before you feel ready, and then you realize that you are ready. So please reach out if you want to work with me. Just go to my website and book a free consultation call. We'll figure out if we're a good fit. If we are, we'll get started. If not, I'll point you in a different direction. If I have resources that are better fit for you. But the truth is that desire discrepancies don't resolve on their own. And if you're staying stuck, it's just because your brain is resisting change, which is absolutely normal, but you have to choose to take a small action to overcome that. Don't expect it to feel easy. That's absolutely okay. You can do hard things. You can do hard things as a gift to your future self, and the end of the day, the discomfort of reaching out for help is really temporary, and the pain of staying stuck is really quite permanent, and often gets worse. So that's my invitation to you. Reach out a little bit before you're ready. And if it's not to me, let it be to somebody else. And if it's not on this issue, let it be on your top issue. Get help and move forward. Please don't just stay stuck, just because the pain is known. And if you're listening and you're just not ready yet, like way more than just slightly not ready, you're just really not ready. I want to invite you to realize that that is okay. It really is. Keep listening to the podcast. Work with the free resources, and when you are getting close to getting ready, give yourself that nudge and remember this episode that your brain is going to want to keep you from making change, but that you get to decide for yourself, and then you'll get to take that step when you are on to yourself about it, because you can kind of tell when you're just about there, but you're like, Oh, I'm in discomfort and I don't want to do something new. You can tell that's different. That's a different place than being like, truly just not ready and not in it, or not in a life place where it all makes sense for you, you are discerning, and you can tell the difference. I want to encourage you, if you are in that place where you kind of know you're ready, but there's just the discomfort, that's where you really want to start reaching out all right, and I'll probably talk to some of you soon. Take care, my friends. I'll see you here next time.

43:47  
Hey. So before you go, I have some more free help for you. If you are okay with sharing your email, I will send you my free guide, five steps to start solving desire differences without blame or shame. This is a practical starting point for individuals and couples. You can opt out of my emails at any time, but I think you'll want to stick around. I am not a spammer. Go get it at www.Laurajurgens.com/libido. Make sure to spell my last name right and the link is in the show notes. You.