When holiday stress kills desire (your sex life doesn't need to be a Hallmark movie)

If you're not tearing each other's matching pajamas off for holiday romance, you're not broken - you're normal. The holidays come with dreamy visions of mistletoe magic, but the reality is stress, family drama, overbooked schedules, and exhaustion.

In this episode, we tackle:

• Why holiday pressure kills intimacy
• The common patterns that widen desire gaps (and how to avoid them)
• Low-pressure ways to stay connected when libido is low or mismatched
• How to communicate without pressure if you're the higher-desire partner
• How to free yourself from holiday expectations if you're the lower-desire partner
• How to redefine holiday intimacy for your actual relationship

Real love doesn't care about picture-perfect presents. It cares about being seen, heard, and connected, even when life is messy.

Perfect for those navigating desire and relationship challenges during the most stressful season of the year. Zero shame. Real help.

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Transcript

0:01  
Welcome to the desire gap podcast. I'm your host, Dr Laura Jurgens, and whether you want more sex than your partner or less, you are not wrong, and your relationship isn't doomed. You just need better tools to solve the struggles of mismatched libidos. That's what we do here, so welcome and let's dive in. Hello, my dears, I am so glad you are here today. We are going to talk about the holidays and holiday expectations versus reality. So welcome. Grab yourself if you are not driving, grab yourself a cozy beverage if you are driving, maybe you already have one. And let's talk about why your holiday season does not have to look like a Hallmark movie, and what to do when you aren't feeling super connected to your partner already and you wind up sort of crashing into this set of expect, cultural expectations that are all foisted off on us, that the holidays about what our relationships are supposed to look like, and it can really worsen the pain of desire discrepancies and the which is really about the pain of the distance between the people in the relationship. So I want to support you in not worsening that pain this holiday season and actually having some connection that feels really good to you in the way that your body is up for, and that your partner's body is up for, and that you're able to fit in and not get all weird holiday perfectionist fantasy about so the holidays come with like these dreamy visions of candlelit romance and twinkly lights and cozy nights and all that stuff. But what if just you know you and your partner are tired, stressed, overbooked with family stuff, or just not on the same page? So today, we are going to talk about reality. We're going to talk about why holiday stress and expectations can actually kill intimacy regardless of how much you love each other. We're going to talk about common patterns and pitfalls around the holidays that widen desire gaps and how to avoid them. We're going to talk about easy, low pressure ways to connect that feel real and not some sort of Hollywood perfectionist fantasy. What to say and how to say it if you are the higher desire or partner who's feeling unseen, and if you're the lower libido partner, how to free yourself from some of the top holiday libido killers and the expectations that might be weighing and pressuring you in a way that's like squashing any libido that you have left. And we're going to talk also about how to kind of redefine holiday intimacy for you and your relationship. So that's what today is about. Because we really, you know, real people, real love between real people. We don't care about like the perfect snowflake and the picture perfect presence, right? We don't care about the matching fucking pajamas. Why are they always in matching pajamas? But we care about being seen and heard and connected, right, even, and maybe even especially when life is messy, like it is often around the holidays. So okay, for many couples, especially those navigating a desire gap, the reality of holidays, and even if you're not navigating a desire gap, the reality of holidays is not so cozy and romantic for most people. It tends to be really stressful, fatiguing. There's like, expect, weird expectations in the air from your family, from your kids, from your partner. We're all trying to, like, fill all these other people's desires and hopes for the holiday and make things perfect for people in some way, shape or form, which is, gosh, that is a tall order, and usually it is impossible to make things perfect for other people. So we might as well not right. We can still try to make, you know, be good, like, make them good and show up authentically. But oftentimes it's just a man, it's a month of like, overextending ourselves, trying to deal with like crazy relatives, travel, people, being sick, all kinds of stuff, right? That's the reality. So whether you actually celebrate any winter holidays or not, you know, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Chris. Miss Solstice Festivus, whatever your jam is or not, nothing this month still comes with a heap of socialized expectations. We are now in December. As I speak to you, it is December 3, 2025 you will hear this next week, but like this month just comes with all these socialized expectations about making it sparkly, right? And also, commonly, a lot of family drama that ratchets up stress for everyone. So if you are not tearing each other's matching pajamas off and jumping into like some sort of holiday season romance montage, like a dirty version of a hallmark scene. You are not weird. You are normal, normal. So it is really helpful, though, to just understand and unpack some of this stuff that gets pushed into our subconscious right now, because it can really worsen how we relate to each other and ourselves. It can really increase pressure on us, increase pressure on our relationships, if we're not onto it, if we're not like, Oh, I see you, and I know what you're doing here. Because there's movies, there's ads, there's media that is just like hyping up all this, like holiday romance, mistletoe, magic stuff that sets up fantasies, and it can be really easy to ratchet up expectations in a way that harms us. And in reality, we have a lot of holiday stressors, right? That actually are clinically shown in research to reduce desire so things like travel, hosting, family, busy, social calendars, disrupted routines, lack of sleep, extra emotional and mental load of like planning cooking gifts, getting to the neighbors or like, Were your family's house, right? The reality is that holiday stressors are going to generally decrease sexual desire for most people. Now, there are a subset of people. There's a it's not a majority. It is, I would say it's a minority, but it's not nothing. There's a fair group of people who, when really stressed, tend to look to sex as a stress relief. And it's not that sex is a bad stress relief. It's not, but it when we're doing it as a stress relief. We're not really there to connect with our partner. We're actually just trying to relieve our stress and get some of those nice, feel good hormones from orgasms and from physical pleasure, that's actually not that useful in a relationship where you need to connect with another person and also care about where they're at. So if your go to to relieve stress is just to be wanting sex, to relieve yourself, I would say the best thing you can do there is go have a wink, masturbation. Have a nice orgasm. It'll give you some of those yummy chemicals, and then you can save you can have your actual connection be with what your partner is available for during this really stressful time, okay? Because most people, when they're really in stress and overload, it tends to decrease libido, and it also just squeezes out the time and energy right for intimacy. And so that can just be a really hard kind of one two punch for relationships, that we have these cultural expectations around the holidays, and then we have the reality of increased stress, and it can make us almost tell ourselves that we're doing things wrong, like I should want this I should want more sex at the holidays. Why? Just because a Hallmark movie tells you that like these people, like you know, are, like, gonna live happily ever after, we never see that, right? We never see the happily ever after, because it doesn't really exist in the real world.

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Right? People navigate challenges all the time. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or your relationship, and you not wanting sex while you're having extra stress in your life is really normal, and it's okay, but what we don't want to do is totally check out from our relationship or totally withdraw because we're afraid that our partner might want sex. And that's something I see a lot with the lower libido partners is that they just start kind of withholding everything and just avoiding, avoiding avoiding, and that sends a signal to your partner that they don't matter, that their needs don't matter, that connection, connecting with them doesn't matter, right? We don't. Want to do that. So we're going to talk today about a couple things. The next thing I want to talk to you about is the understandable but unhelpful patterns that show up and this sort of pitfalls around the holidays. These are really understandable, but it's useful to notice and acknowledge them, and these are the things we want to about ourselves and our brains when we encounter holiday stress and expectations. And I want to offer this really important point that when you know about these tendencies, it can be really tempting to weaponize them against your partner, and we'll talk about that a little bit more once we talk about what they are, because it'll become a little clearer. But I just want to put out there right now, and I'll put out a couple more times later, that being on the same team to come closer together as a couple is step number one to solving the challenges in your relationship. So anytime you are tempted to weaponize something and throw it in the face of your partner to accuse them of doing something, rein yourself in. Remind yourself that the most important thing is to be on the same team, so acknowledge that it's probably coming from a place of hurt and defensiveness and blame, and that blame is the enemy of solving anything in a relationship, blame is always going to be the enemy of solving it. Blaming yourself, blaming your partner is not helpful. Nope. Nobody actually has to be to blame I know that's a shocking concept, and it's one that I spend a lot of time in my coaching practice, helping people really understand that people can be different and be coming from different places, and there can be some sort of dysfunction or disconnect, and it doesn't mean anybody's actually to blame. Nobody has to be wrong, nobody. So I'm going to tell you these things because they're pitfalls, but we're going to talk about not weaponizing them against your partner. Okay, so number one, avoidance via busyness. So in the holidays, this is really tempting, especially but people do this all the time, all year, this idea of leaning into being really quote, unquote busy, or overbooking yourself with like holiday plans because you are scared of your partner's expectations. Like, I don't want my partner to want sex. So what I'm gonna do because I don't want to have that conversation, I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to feel pressured about it, and I'm scared I'm going to feel pressured about it. So what I'm going to do instead is I'm going to overbook myself so that I am either exhausted or actually do in the middle of doing something so the person can't ask or so I have a quote, unquote, legitimate excuse. This tells me that one you are judging yourself because you think you need to create a legitimate excuse to not want to have sex and you it's okay for you just to not want to have sex without having to have an excuse. You could be laying around doing absolutely nothing all day but relaxing and like, you know, petting your cat or whatever, and not want to have sex, and that's absolutely okay. You don't need to create busyness to have an excuse. It also tells me you're probably avoiding conversations. You know, this sort of, like, I've got too much to do. We'll reconnect after the holiday chaos ends. Like, just be careful if you are avoiding via busyness. Now it may be very true. It's not to say busyness doesn't happen, right? You are the only one who will know whether there might be a part of it that is trying to avoid or trying to justify to yourself your own lack of interest in sexual play with your partner, and you are the only one who can own that if you are a higher libido partner, please don't weaponize this against your partner. You can gently ask them to have a conversation with you, and we'll talk later about what the good strategies are, what are the beneficial things that you can do. But just know we don't want to start accusing people of these things. They're the only ones who really know what's going on, and if they're doing them, it's because they feel like they need to, right? If you're doing this, it's because you feel like you need to. We want to help you not feel like you need to. We want to help you feel safe to have that conversation instead, or safe to feel no safe to say you. Feel the no inside you and then say the no and safe to do those things is really important. If you don't feel safe, you might be in avoidance via busyness, right? There's so no judgment, just useful to be on yourself about it. Okay? Number two Pitfall, inflating your expectations for sex because of the holidays. So this is really common too, especially for higher libido partners. They're like, looking forward to the holidays. We're going to have some time off. It's going to be sparkly, it's going to be romantic, and you start building a fantasy about what this is going to create in your relationship, believing that the holidays must bring these like this spark that's been missing, and then when reality doesn't match that expectation, when reality sets in and the holidays are stressful or they just don't magically Change your partner's libido, it leads to even more disappointment and resentment. And sometimes people even get, like, grumpy in advance, sort of like, they inflate their expectations. They imagine what a holiday could be in their fantasy with a partner who really wanted to have a lot of sex with them over the holidays. And then they think to themselves, I'm not going to get what I want, so why bother trying to connect at all? And they kind of do some emotional withholding or passive aggressive behaviors, even just kind of grumping around or like withdrawing affection, giving, like thoughtless, crappy gifts, is a weird, passive aggressive thing I've seen people do, but just be on to yourself. If you are inadvertently in your brain creating a holiday fantasy about how it's going to magically change the dynamic between you and your partner, is really unlikely to do that, especially given the stress around the holidays. There are very good strategies, and we're going to talk about those, about how to become more close over the holidays. But having a perfectionist fantasy in your head that the holidays are going to sort of magically change things is not one of them, and is not going to help. It's generally going to set you up for feeling worse. And we don't want that, okay? And that kind of goes with the next one, which is really comparing to this, like ideal holiday romance standard,

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and that's just generally neglecting how frazzled people really actually are during the holidays, right? So I want to invite you to be really gentle with yourself here, as always, I want to invite you to do that, but also like, gently, gently accountable, right? I don't, I don't want to invite, I want to invite gentleness around self accountability and self awareness, not like a self indulgent kind of thing where you're just like, well, what you know, whatever I think is like, or whatever I need, is more important than anybody else, but just a gentle call out for yourself. So if you find yourself thinking, I know I should want sex right now because it's Christmas Eve or whatever, but you don't, and there's a should in there, right? I want you to really gently become aware, oh, I am shoulding myself, and this is actually not a reasonable expectation for myself. Just because it's a certain day of the year or a holiday doesn't mean I should want anything. Okay? And if you find yourself attaching a should to your partner, my partner should want something, I should also gently call yourself out. Okay, I am creating a fantasy in my head, imagining that they should want something at this time of year, that actually it's probably even less likely than they're gonna want it because it's so stressful and weird time of year. Okay, so watch out for the shoulds. Always that if you take nothing else from any coach, you ever hear from any life coach, including me, please start getting a handle on your shoulds, because they are, I promise you, they are not helping. They are shaming and they are not helping you accomplish anything that you actually want to accomplish. They're just creating baggage for you to drag with you. All right, that was my little hot take on shoulds. It's always here. You'll hear it a million times. All right, next section. So that was pitfalls. The next thing I want to cover about the holidays for you, in my effort to help you have a much more relaxed experience, is rewriting the holiday script. So we talked about what not to do, let's talk about what to do instead, and what we need to do is focus on practical. Is low pressure, real world strategies to stay connected, even if your libido is low or mismatched. This is not a time when you are going to magically fix your desired gap without help, right? There's not that many times when you are but like sometimes, it's much more feasible. Holidays are not one of them. I mean, I do have, I will say an exception in well, it's not really an exception because they reached out for help. It's totally not an exception. I caught myself on that, um, I have a brilliant couple of new clients who actually reached out to me to start this week, gifting each other a coaching package for the holidays. And that was so smart, right? So they are reaching out for help. But this is not a time when holiday magic is going to, like, magically fix your desire gap in your partnership. So we need to focus on practical, real world strategies. What are they? Number one, resetting expectations and redefining intimacy for the holidays. So instead of having this like holiday sex fantasy that it's going to be just like magical and perfect, we want to reframe the holidays as a chance for closeness regardless of what's happening, and even more so, because of any sort of chaos or stress. Let's look at the holidays as a time when you know it's in the northern hemisphere. Anyway, it's getting dark. Really a lot, a lot of dark going on here in the southern hemisphere. Y'all are getting some really nice, long days. But if you are in the northern hemisphere, which most of my listeners are, it's getting dark. It's a time for reflection and connection. What kind of closeness can we find? That's the question we want to answer. What kind of closeness could we find that feels good to both of us? How can we increase our connection? And that may mean physically with, like non, any sort of like non penetrative expectations, activities, some just like snuggles, right, mutual back rubs, long hugs, holding hands, emotional closeness, bringing more understanding and grace, giving more grace to your partner for being human and for having their own needs and struggles. Right. Being more vulnerable together brings more emotional closeness, being more honest, or simply just being seen and seeing your partner and just saying, I you know, I know we're not on the same page right now, but I see you, and I see where you're at, and I care about it, and I want to hear, I want to listen, right simply being seen and heard and even resting together like you might really deeply need some rest in this season, I know when it gets dark. For me, I really need rest. December for me is like this, like composting. Month. My birthday is in December. It's December 13. For anybody who wants to send me a happy birthday message, I have such a long history of drama with my birthday, but now I don't have it anymore, so I'm taking myself on a little mini scuba trip, just for, like, the weekend. I'm so excited. But my birthday is in December, and it always kind of brings up December brings up this, like, deep reflective energy for me. And I just get really reflective about where I've been, where I'm at, where I'm at in my life in general, and like, kind of what the coming year is. And it's like, kind of almost like a composting process, and I just really love it. But deep rest is something that I really crave, and resting with my partner is beautiful, like just being able to be cozy and rest together, right? So this shift from holiday sex fantasy to reframing your and getting curious about, how could we have more closeness, emotional closeness, physical closeness, really seeing each other, maybe resting. What do you need right? And then the second part of that is, you know, thinking about realigning your expectations together, having a conversation with your partner can be really helpful about what you actually both realistically want and need this holiday. And so this is where we ditch the shoulds. Instead of assuming what should happen, just getting curious about what your desires are what your partner's desires are for how you want to show up together for this holiday season, ask yourselves what you can match up around. What are you both a yes to? Okay. And here are some places to start. So this is number two. Number one was reset. The expectations and redefining intimacy for the holidays. Number two is building small low pressure rituals of connection. And the key here is like small low pressure and rituals, which means they're like, important and repetitive. So we try, try things like simple activities like, instead of, like, a kind of one of those quickie hugs, where somebody like pats you Yeah, no patting, do, like, a full 30 seconds of just hugging, where you like breathe together and you just hold each other, no padding, no running off to do something else, holding right? That's one small, low pressure ritual you can fit into any sort of holiday situation,

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even if you are like running to catch 45 different flights to see 45 different family members, you can fit in a 32nd hug just being present with each other. Another idea is going for quiet after dinner walks right, watching, planning on watching some sort of cheesy, your favorite cheesy holiday movie in sweatpants together, right? Doing a gratitude check in together where you really like talk about what you're grateful about in your lives and with each other, or just even going to bed early for some snuggles, right? All of these really simple, low pressure rituals of connection, trying to do them regularly, like we're going to do this every day, or we're going to do this five times this week, that can hold so much more intimacy weight than any sort of high pressure attempts at Holiday sex. And the research on couples actually around the holidays recommends small, manageable connection rituals, rather than over planning, over planning, just creates stress, whereas these little, small, manageable connection rituals actually relieve stress, literally in your body, relieve stress. And if you're traveling with family or kids, just think about like stealth intimacy, connection moments, right? That daily extra long hug, a whispered like, I appreciate you a hand squeeze under the table right setting aside time to purposefully cuddle before you go to bed. So you know, if your schedule is really chaotic, you can even add in, like, sort of like, mini check ins, like, just five minutes to ask, like, how are you feeling? Put a reminder in your phone. How are you doing with all this stuff, honey? That goes really far. And just remember to practice like I statements right to explain your own energy or desires, not like you. Statements like, where you're blaming somebody you. Statement someone's always come across as blame. So try I statements like I feel like I would really love for us to connect a little bit more around the holidays, even though it's really stressful. Would you be willing to find some time so that we can do that? It doesn't have to be big, right? Could we find five minutes a day? So number three is so that was number two, and that was just to build these low pressure, small rituals of connection. Number three is to use the season to reflect, but without pressure. So one option is to schedule a conversation. Schedule a check in conversation to reflect on what worked or what didn't in past holidays about intimacy and expectations, like, say, you know, really just ask, like, hey, could we, like, we're going into the holiday season, some things have been really crunchy for us in the past. Would it be possible for us to schedule, like, an hour just to sit down? Maybe we'll go to a coffee shop, or maybe we'll just do it in the living room and talk about what worked and what didn't work for past holidays, and how we want to do things this year and moving forward, right? And you can talk about what felt good about how you connected in the past, what felt forced or disappointing. What do you want more of? Right? Try to stay focused on the things that worked and what you want more of, way more than you focus on any place that has felt bad. You can bring those up, not saying, hide them under the rug, but make sure that it's not just the litany of complaints. So that is a check in where you can use the past to kind of help inform how you want to do things in the future or in the present. You could also use the season to reflect by creating a new tradition that honors your reality. So that might be like PJs and takeout evenings, right? We're going to do this, or we're going to do a post holiday debrief chat, or we're going to do like cozy movie nights, creating a new tradition. Conversation that honors just where you're both at, but allows you to connect and centers connection over performance. Okay, so those are three really good what to do insteads. Number one, resetting expectations, redefining intimacy for the holidays. Number two, building those small, low pressure rituals of connection. And number three, finding a way to use the season to connect without pressure, connect and reflect. All right, so I want to just offer a couple words to the higher desire partner about how to handle this season in particular, because you may be feeling like disappointment, longing, frustration, totally understandable, and your needs matter, even if the holiday doesn't magically fix your like, make your partner's libido exactly the same as yours and magically fix what you see as the problem. But so your needs matter. It doesn't mean that you're necessarily like the holiday isn't a time when it's just gonna all be different, and that can itself feel disappointing and frustrating. So the best thing you can do right now, if you want to be in this relationship and you want to work on your sexual connection together is acknowledged that it's not going to be magically different during the holidays, but that you can use this as a time to practice mindful connection and offering affection without expectation. The more you can do that, the less pressure your partner will feel, and the more access they will have to their Yes,

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having a partner who

31:48  
really deeply is open to what to offering affection without expectation. That's hard when you're the higher libido partner, and you feel like you're not getting as much sex as you want, but it's also absolutely critical, and these situations don't resolve unless you figure this out. This is a muscle you need to build. Is affection without expectation and enjoying that connection. And if your partner is somebody who's been running away from any affection, it might be because it always feels like there's an expectation. I'm not saying it necessarily is, and I'm also not saying it's your fault, so don't read blame, instance, but it might be because they perceive that there is some sort of expectation that they, you know, quote, unquote, put out if they get any affection, so they run away from affection. And that's not necessarily the case. There's also people who just, like, don't really physically express a lot of affection. That's not how they were raised. Maybe they they were affection was withheld, possibly from them, or they're just their makeup is such that that's not part of their love language. So there's other reasons, but this is a great time to practice affection without expectation and really trying to mindfully and emotionally connect with your partner. It is also a really good time to practice compassion in your communication, so remember to use those I statements and share your feelings without pressure. So something like I'm feeling lonely and I'm really longing for closeness. Can we find a way to feel connected, even if sex isn't on the table tonight? Also offering alternate options, offering non sexual touch, offering rituals that are, you know, physical connection, rituals that respect both partners, boundaries, offering emotional closeness. Those are really good things to practice over the holidays. Okay, the other thing I want to speak to the low libido partners for a second too, and that is, it's really tempting over the holidays to have those shoulds just bury you under a pile of pressure and to feel like you are letting your partner down, and to start hiding and to start shaming yourself, if you haven't already to heap more shame on yourself, please don't do that. It is you are okay. Putting pressure on yourself is not going to help, the situation. Is not going to make you feel better, and it's not going to change anything. It's actually going to make it worse. So you don't need to go into avoidance. Let's see, is there do you want connection? Is there? What kind of connection do you want? Actually, asking yourselves, what would feel good to me? And start there. You have to start somewhere. We can't go from zero to 100 all at once. You're going to have to start somewhere. And starting with what feels good to you is exactly where to start. So asking for that type of emotional and physical closeness that feels. Feels really like a yes in your body, like you're like, I crave this. I want this. This is exactly what I want. And letting that be enough and okay is always step one, and the holidays is a perfect time to practice that. Okay, so last up when to seek some more support, because sometimes the desire gap and holiday stress and other relationship patterns, right? Mean you might need more help than hot tips on a podcast. So I want to invite you to consider whether you're ready for this or you're not quite ready, but actually maybe want to get yourself ready or do it anyway, even before you're ready, because that's always what I suggest for people, for any goal that you have in life, do it before you're ready, because oftentimes you're never going to feel ready when you're ready enough that you're like, Yeah, I think I'm a yes. I want to encourage you to get some help doesn't have to be from me. It can be if you want, feel free to reach out for a free consultation. I do them all the time. You can find the consultation link on my website. Laura jurgens.com just says, book a consult. Just do it. It is a safe, structured place to talk about how to move forward, even if you decide not to continue. And a lot of other coaches and therapists also offer free consultations. If it's not clear whether they do, I suggest reaching out to them and asking for one if you are feeling like called to take the next step, even if you're not ready 100% and I also want to really encourage a lot of self compassion and patience right now, because holiday stress is very real, but it is also temporary, and sometimes people even have seasonal libido fluctuations that have to do with light or have to just do with the stress. So your aim is really to weather this and maybe even get to come a little closer, but not to magically solve a long standing relationship problem over the holidays. Your aim is for long term communication and alignment to improve, and that is going to require some real self compassion, some patience and some compassion and openness to your partner. So it's okay if your holidays don't look like a, you know, romance movie and whatever they look like this year, I want to encourage you to feel true to yourself, connected to yourself, and as connected as possible with your loved ones and with your lover. So I also want to

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invite you to send me your like holiday movie versus reality stories,

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if you want. I always love to hear people about people's real lives and what's really happening for you, what lands, what helps, what you want to hear more of so share your feedback, shoot me an email, and just know that I'm thinking of you, and I am wishing you the most wonderful holiday season, as stress free as possible. And I just want, I hope, that you find some wonderful way to connect with the people you love and who love you back. All right, my friends, I'll see you soon. Hey. So before you go, I have some more free help for you. If you are okay with sharing your email, I will send you my free guide, five steps to start solving desire differences without blame or shame. This is a practical starting point for individuals and couples. You can opt out of my emails at any time, but I think you'll want to stick around. I am not a spammer. Go get it at www.Laurajurgens.com/libido. Make sure to spell my last name right and the link is in the show notes.